Well I’ll be, looks like it’s time to talk about what turns women off. Yeehaw. I have been turned off many a times in my day. Actually, I think I’m been turned off more than I’ve been turned on. What the hell is that all about? Don’t you men read the manuals that we come with? Don’t you know what to say and what not to say? It’s written right there, Chapter 2, page 8. Get with it, people. Us women are simple creatures, it really doesn’t take much to turn us on. Did I just say that? I think I just lied. Okay, so we’re not really that simple but our turn-offs are not as complex as we are. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Just in case you missed the memo, I’m going to shout it from the mountain tops what turns us off. *gets on mountain top Soap Box*
What Turns Women Off
1) Pooty Wooty:What is it when men and farting? Where the hell does it all come from? I used to date a guy that farted in the tub and popped the bubbles with his teeth. He farted in the morning, he farted at lunch, he farted under the covers and he farted on me. He was a total fart head. Look, it takes a lot to embarrass me. You can pull my pants down in the middle of 3rd and 5th street and I would jiggle my booty for everyone, but if you fart on me…I will blush on myself and run for cover. Women do not sit around and tell jokes and fart like you guys do. Well, most of us don’t. Please keep your gas in your ass. I don’t care how long we’ve dated you, we will never be comfortable smelling, tasting, or hearing your dirty, juicy, wet poots. If you are so proud of farting, please go into the bathroom and fart in a jar and you can share it with “the guys” later on. Women do not like farting. Also, women DO NOT fart…..they fluff. This turn-off stinks to high heaven. *poot* Oops, excuse me. I hate it when they slip.
2)Potty Mouth:Okay, cursing is okay every once in awhile. It’s okay when you stub your toe or when your favorite team lost the game. It’s not okay to say f*ck (all the time) in an ordinary conversation. I used to date a guy that cursed like a sailor. I kept telling him that he had a potty mouth and asked him why the hell he always cursed. “It’s just how I talk”. (*Note- this cursor was also the farter, boy did I have a weenerwinner). These days bad words are just a part of our vocabulary. It seems like it’s not cursing anymore, they are basically just popular adjectives. If you want to get a classy woman, you need to watch your tongue. If you’d like to date someone that has a mouth as bad as you, feel free to drop the F bomb all you want. Class or trash? The decision is all yours.
3)Bushy Sausage:Some people might like this, I’m just speaking for part of my generation. Why must you keep it bushy? If your penis as an afro, please do us all a favor and trim it. We go down there to do business, not to rest our head on your bush and take a nap. Plus, while we are doing our oral deed, we don’t want to have bush in our teeth. Gone are the days that people have bushes, shaved is in. Get with the program. If you have never shaven before, I recommend renting out a bush hog to tackle your pubic-fro.
4)Stanky Stank: There’s nothing worse than a man that does not take care of himself. Look if you are a bum on the side of the road…you are exempt from this turn-off, but if you aren’t- listen up. Women do not want to smell your stinky pits. Please don’t put your arm around us and kill our brain cells. Women do not like hair in the ears. What are you trying to do? Build a bird nest? Hairs hanging out of the nose is gross. It only makes it look as if any second Tarzan is going to come down swinging on one of your hairs. Shave it, buzz it, pluck it…hell, whatever it takes. I’m sorry but women do not like hairy men. If you have a hairy back, go get it waxed. Please take a bath and wash your balls and for God’s sake, GET THE LINT OUT OF YOUR BELLY BUTTON!
5)Basement Dweller: I know, I know…you don’t have to tell me. You’re trying to save money. Wait, no, you’re trying to pay off your credit card bills. There will never and I do mean NEVER be a good enough excuse for living in your parents basement. (Oh, unless you have a sick parent and you are taking care of them) This is a great way to stay single the rest of your life. Ugh, I’ve dated guys that lived with their parents, some were still blessed with a curfew. If you are over the age of 25, get a real job and get a real roof over your head without your parents underneath it. The women that date men who are living with their parents are the women who are still living with theirs. What a cute couple the two of you will make. You two can take turns eating dinner with the parents. How sweet. Get OUT of the house.
6)Pick-Up Disaster:I have on bullet for the person that came up with pick-up lines. Haven’t you realized that we’ve heard every one in the book? Pick-up lines are dripping with cheesiness to the point of making us nauseous. When you drop pick-up lines on women, it only tells us that you weren’t original to come up with something on your own like, “Hi, I’m Bob…what’s your name?” See how easy that was, Bob? If you want to pick-up a few laughs and see a dozen eyes rolled, use your little corny pick-up lines. If you want to make a good first impression, be yourself and say what comes natural. If you can’t think of anything to say, go back to your parents basement. I’ll never forget the guy that used a pick-up line on me, “Nice shoes, wanna f*ck?”
7)Titty Sucker: Yes, I know…what’s so bad about being a titty sucker? Don’t most men like to suck on nipples? Well, of course they do but it’s a little weird when it’s your mother’s tit. It’s called LEAVE AND CLEAVE, dude. Look, it’s been 35 years already, there is no more lactating and no reason to continue to suck. Women DO NOT like the mamma’s boy. We want to be the woman in your life and we don’t want to have to worry about you running to your mother every time something goes wrong. If you are going to suck on titty, it had better be mind.
8)Wondering Eyes: Look, why are you even with us? Oh, because you enjoy being with us? I couldn’t tell considering you have looked at every woman that has passed within the past 20 minutes. Don’t think I don’t notice, I have eyes in the back of my head. You might as well go up and grab her boob. We know you are visual creatures and that’s fine but you need to be a visual creature with respect. Did you get that? Do not talk about how other women are hot in front of us. Do not whistle at women in front of us. Do not stare at women in front of us. If you want those women so badly, go after them and don’t waste our time. If you want to have several nights in the dog house, keep feasting your eyes on others.
9)Kiss-N-Tell:Yes I know, you want to be the “cool guy”. You want your friends to think that you are some kind of pimp. We know and we get it. Sleeping with us and then running and telling everyone is a great way to never get in our pants again. Most women are very to themselves when it comes to their sex life. The last thing we need is you shouting it from the mountain tops. One of our fears is that you will come out looking like the pimp and we will only be labeled a slut. If you want more nooky, I suggest you keep your lips sealed.
10)Negativity: If we wanted to hear sad stories all the time, we would go visit Debbie Downers. Wonk Wonk Wonk. Why would any woman want to be with a man that is full of negativity? We get enough of it living in the world today, we don’t need it from you. Talking bad about others, yourself and life in general is a total turn-off. Women want to be with someone who is positive and that can had meaning to their life. Negativity is contagious and we don’t want to catch it.
*Honorable Mention*
Cross Dressing- Yes, it’s okay for me to wear your boxers, it is not okay for you to wear my panties. The last thing I want to see is your balls hanging out of my g-string. It’s just not fancy. I don’t care if you tuck or not. If you feel the need to steal my panties, please keep it to yourself. We don’t get it and we really don’t want to know about it.
04/11/09 Women's Turn-Offs 28 Comments
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Aaron- Yay, I’m so excited that you found my blog. I love to get new readers. I am curious as to how you found me on google. I didn’t know that google was my friend.
Don’t be a stranger! 
Once again, very funny post and absolutely true!
I love the one about the guys who still live with their parents. I don’t care how much money they’re saving, it’s so not cool, lol
You know, I’ve cut several men some slack and looked over the whole ‘living with the parents’ thing. I told myself to give them a break, that they were just trying to save up money to get out. I could slap myself for listening to this excuse time and again. So, where are they now?
1)Ex #1- Living with his brother, while his brother pays the bills- still a bum.
2)Ex #2-Moved out for a month and ended back up at his parents where he resides now-still saving money (He’s 31)
3)Ex #3- Bounced from girlfriend to girlfriend, ended back up at parents finally joined the army at the age of 30.
Of course, these aren’t all my Ex’s, these are just the ones that lived with their parents. So, yes the “I wanna save money” line is a cop out. They just want their laundry done and a home cooked meal. It’s gotta suck to be 30 and still have a curfew. It’s a double standard though. Girls can get away with living with their parents, men just can’t do it.
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. The laughs are so delicious; thank you. Keep up the fabulous writing, girlfriend. You have a gift!
Rev. Anne- Thank you so much for the compliments. I actually read a comment just yesterday that basically told me that my blog made it seem as if I was on a high horse. I was totally taken back and confused. I guess you have to start reading a lot of my previous blogs to get the ‘tone’ of it. Of course, I’m here to be funny and help others but I would never want to come across as being on a high horse, plus I’m allergic to horses anyway…especially Mr. Ed!
Great stuff!
I do have a theory though, wanna hear it? Ok, it goes something like this:
Men are visual by nature, you know, like things that are natural to the ladies, men need to see stuff. #8wandering eyes is an offshoot of that. There is good news though, #8 can be worked on, maybe even decreased by 50%.
Hope this gave some insight…free of charge of course
Bobby- Thank for not charging me, can you put it on my tab? I always enjoy you stopping by and reading your words fo wisdom.
Thank good I learned the wandering eye thing young. I will NEVER check out another girl when I am with one. However alone with sunglasses on I nearly I have the peripheral vision of a chameleon.
Once again hilarious…
You know what kills me about the bushy sausage? Most men expect women will do something to their… area. Be it trimming, cropping, or complete removal. But most of those same men never think to return the favor. Seriously? You don’t like it but we should? I think not.
In my experience about half of those men are willing to rectify the situation if you’ll speak up about it though. Just make sure you’ve attended to your own bits first!
Jane- lol Yes indeed, you are so right. They want our bits to be taken care of but sometimes don’t attend to their own bits or should I say “kibbles n bits”?
[...] blog post, it’s real funny and if you’re a guy, you better read it. It’s from The Queen of Relationships and its on stuff that turns women off. It would do all of us guys good to read this stuff. [...]
Girl, I love this one. Wash your balls and a pubic-fro! Love that!
Darlene- Never underestimate the power of the pubic-fro.
brilliant article lol xx
I love getting my brazilian done, for us girls its a once you get it done you just dont go back..but I dont like guys shaving their bushy sausages i love a guy ‘au naturelle’…what do you think ladies? am I totally strange?
Jenibelle- No, I don’t think you are strange at all. I loved the bushy sausage until I saw the bald sausage. I just got so tired of getting hair in my teeth and having people say “You got something, a little something in your teeth” and me having to pull out a long, pubic hair..needless to say, I got tired of having to come up with excuses as to why I had hair in my teeth. My parents never believed that I ran out of floss.
OK, the whole fro thing had me blushing and laughing at the same time.
Also, glad you put the guys on notice about the roving eyes. You would think that one would be a no brainer, but I see guys do this all the time.
Tina- Don’t men know that we have eyes in the back of our head? Hell, even if we don’t actually SEE you do it, our gut tells us you did. We’re just magical like that. Men should at least give us enough respect to do it while we aren’t around. I mean, if you think she’s so hot that you have to turn away from me, go get her number and let her wash your dirty socks!
hahaha great post! I shared it on my facebook. I think most women find these things to be turn offs. In LI (where I live) tons of older men still live at home with their parents under the cover of “it saves money” well I’m with you. I think it’s a huge turn off! Grow up men!
Jen
http://www.afterthelater.com
Jen- Oh yes, I’ve dated the men that live with their parents, it was a huge turn-on…Not! If you can’t even take care of yourself, how the world are we going to move forward in the relationship? Oh, I get it you want me to take care of you like your mommy did. Well, that’s not going to happen, I already have a two year old..I don’t need another one. Oh Snap!
Great list. About 20 years too late but great list.
Howdy Beth- Thanks for stopping by, sorry it was twenty years too late!
Male one-up-manship. I was out with my grown son the other night. He is very much like his Father, who thinks he knows everything, but on this particular night, I was sitting between him, and this other guy we know. My son lived in North Carolina near the mountains for a short time, and loved it. So he was fondly talking about where he lived, not at all being his usual know-it-all self. The other guy, a former truck driver was the one that decided to use the mountains as a way of belittling my son, and attempting to make himself appear superior. I had already requested earlier that if they wanted to keep up their testosterone driven banter, do move away from me, I was tired of sitting between it, which cooled this guy down for a short time, until the mountain topic came up, and he jumped on another opportunity to attempt to make himself out to be better. I finally had all I could take and called him out on it, which started a whole argument, with others in the general area chiming in, and telling him I was right, after he turned his attack on me. Poor guy left with a full beer sitting there
If you guys want to belittle each other to make yourselves feel superior in some way, do when your with the guys, but women can’t stand this he-man behavior, it makes you appear extremely small in our eyes.
Searchin Within- This holds a great bit of truth. Women do not like men who put down other men to seem bigger and better. If we see another man doing this, it totally embarrasses us and we think they are only doing it because they are insecure.
Hi, nice post. I have been thinking about this issue,so thanks for blogging. I will likely be subscribing to your posts. Keep up the good posts
With This Diet I Lost Thirty Pounds- So what diet are you promoting? Um, so I have this friend..yeah a friend that needs to loose some weight and I, I mean she is curious as to what you are talking about!
I read your blog here. Um you seem to trying to speak for everyone. BUT allot of women like hairy men. Not so much the sausage thing. But love a hairy chest. Allot of women also love their own nipples sucked. So I suggest you lead ALL your articles as “I am saying this about me…..” Not saying it is this way for all. WE are all very different. And mostly the young visit your site and many believe you and others are telling for every woman.
I read your blog here. Um you seem to trying to speak for everyone. BUT allot of women like hairy men. Not so much the sausage thing. But love a hairy chest. Allot of women also love their own nipples sucked. So I suggest you lead ALL your articles as “I am saying this about me…..” Not saying it is this way for all. WE are all very different. And mostly the young visit your site and many believe you and others are telling for every woman.
Mystic- Are you hairy? Just curious, I’m wondering if I struck a nerve.
I think people know and understand that what I write in my blog is not set in stone and these are only the opinions I have gathered via Internet. I didn’t just come up with the Top Ten Turn-Offs on my own. I did a lot of reading before I compiled my list. I think it would be silly of me to assume that all women think exactly like me. People come in all shapes and sizes and no matter what I blog about, I don’t think it’s going to change someone’s minds. If I posted on here that most men hate nipple sucking, I seriously doubt that men around the world are going to quit sucking nipples. I am sorry if I struck a nerve but again, ALL of my articles are not about ‘me’, there is a lot of researching that goes into writing my post and it’s based on more than one opinion. 