The Queen of Relationships

You are in a relationship that is fulfilling  and you feel as if the two of you are perfect for one another, you get along great, you do all sorts of things together, you respect one another, you are somewhat compatible, you make one another happy BUT ….HUGE BUT…you do not have sex: This IS not a romantic relationship THIS IS a FRIENDSHIP!!

Women can only go so long without sex until they start to see their mate as a good guy friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? If you are not bumping nasties with me on a routine basis, you are not going WITH me to a deeper level therefore you will slowly get pushed into the friend zone. Yes, we all need friends  but some of us are looking for someone to take the majority of our heart. There’s three parts to the heart IMO:

Section 1: Family
Section 2: Friends
Section 3: Children in Ethiopia
Section 4: Fuzzy Feelings.

Now, the fuzzy feelings take up the majority of the heart and is reserved for that one special person. This part of the heart is where all the romantic mushiness resides. It’s where love blossoms and it’s where the deep connection blooms. Now, let me explain to you how a ‘deep connection’ is stimulated in a woman. You’re probably thinking that “Section 4″ of the heart can be bought, you are mistaken- my friend. No diamonds, dildos or donuts will do. Disclaimer: The auther of this post is speaking from her own Section 4, not women of America’s Section 4 You want to know how women get and keep that deep, soulful connection? Sex. Yes, sex. Now, how hard is that? Obviously not hard enough.

Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying and get the idea that I am simply saying sex is all we need. We need all that other bullshit like validation, appreciation, understanding, and SEX. You see? I have loads of friends and it’s understood that our friends validate us and appreciate us but we don’t bang our friends. Oh wait, some of us do but then we skate over to the “Friends With Benefits” zone and that’s another post in itself. So, in order for us to differentiate the difference between you and our good friend Bob, you must inject the penis. Disclaimer: These are only the psychotic, demented views of the author Yes, we know that you guys bond by doing stuff with us and sharing those Kodak moments and we have no problem going along with the bonding process, but we need and want intimate, touching, romantic, hard core,  monkey, hanging from the rafters, embarrassing your mother SEX. Okay, it doesn’t HAVE to be wild sex, any penetration will do- as long as it’s not in the booty. I’m sorry but I will lose my deep connection with you if you go deep into my ass.

We laugh together, converse together, play together, cook together, solve problems together…all of these things create a semi-circle around Section 4, if you want to complete the circle..there must be sex. Yes, we know, sex is more of an action to you…it isn’t bonding, unspoken emotions, connecting..it’s just sloppy slam bam thank you mam. It’s just another moment in life where you have to raise your heartbeat, get sweaty and shoot mini you’s. Sorry pal, women don’t see it that way. Think of it this way- the closest you can be to someone (physically) is to be inside someone [The closest you can be to someone (emotionally) is to be inside their Section 4]. Sex is putting the cherry on top of the relationship. We don’t confirm our friendships by banging our same sex friends, do we? “Oh damn, that Cindy was something special, Whew Wee, I can tell we’re going to be GREAT friends…” When women have sex with a man, they are letting you into their world. They are letting you have a piece of them (piece of ass) and their Section 4. Unless their whores, you should consider having sex with a woman something special.

Now, we know you banged the hell out of us in the beginning because it was vagina and you were all excited and twitterpated. We were just as excited as you were, but all of a sudden…DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD and so is your ding dong. All of a sudden, life seems to grab you by the balls and you’re too busy, too stressed, too tired, too hungry, too impotent, too f*cking your secretary. How can you NOT want to bang me? Now, you’ve gone and done it. Women are conditioned to think that every man wants, eats, sleeps and dreams about sex. We are dumbfounded when we stumble upon one that thinks otherwise. First, we research all outside resources to see if and what might be impacting your boner. Then, we do the womanly thing (we all do it) and starting point the boner at ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you are too tired, too hungry, too busy, too stressed, too limp….Let me tell you what a woman thinks when her man does not want to have sex with her:

1. He’s f*cking someone else
2. I’m not good enough
3. I must suck in bed
4. I must have an ugly body and he’s not attracted to me
5. My breasts must look funny, he’s laughing at my vagina
6. My vagina must smell like armpit
7. He’s embarrassed to see me naked, now I”m embarrassed to be naked
8. I guess I just don’t do it for him
9. He’s f*cking someone else
10.He’s just not that into me (I hate this phrase n0w)

These are the things that run through a woman’s mind when her man deprives her of much needed booty. Most men should know how some of this feels considering a lot of women…”Oh not tonight honey, I have a headache”. If you are one of those men who are being selfish with the booty then you probably have NO idea what it feels like to feel somewhat rejected, unloved, and unwanted by your partner…because if you did, you would bang your partner every chance you got to prevent them from having these harsh feelings.

I need an explanation from a man from the “I’m Too _____ For Sex” group, please. Why would a man want to be with a woman and not be passionate with her? Why do some men just jump on top, orgasm and jump right off..forgetting the word ‘foreplay’, ‘caress’, ‘enjoyment’, and/or ’all nighters’? Why can some men go a number of months without passionately kissing their partner? Passionate kissing= tongue, slobber, heavy panting. How can some men have sex without even thinking about pleasing their partner? Pleased partner= foreplay, soft touching, oral sex, caressing, finger f*cking, squeezing, holding, ORGASM! It’s beyond me why some men not only ignore the needs of their partner but they short change themselves out of one hell of a f*ck. Disclaimer: These thoughts are only pouring out the author’s little pea brain, no Oprah’s.

Let me tell me what most women need, let me tell you what “I want (hell, I’m most women). I want spontaneoussex. I want to be taken back for once with some unexpected, wild donkey sex. Please, no mechanical f*kers need apply. I want it on the kitchen counter, the bathroom floor, the jacuzzi tub, the kitchen table (unsanitary? Damn right it is), the washing machine, the rocking chair, the guest bedroom window seal, and every now and again the bed. I want it when I lease expect it and when you come onto me when I ‘lease’ expect it..I want there to be lots of foreplay. I want it to be where neither one of us can keep our hands off one another. I want to be forced to unleash the freak you never knew about, no more holding back. I want quickies and lots of them, giving and receiving. I want us to go out in public places knowing that neither of us can’t wait to get home to bang the hell out of one another. I want to be kissed passionately, the more slobber the better…tongue please and lots of it. I want my hair to be pulled and my ass to be slapped, I would like to scream a few obscenities and possibly scream a name. I want to be whispered to. I want to be told that it’s the best shit ever, there are no substitutes. And then, I want generic love making. The typical slow, rhythmic sex that let’s me know you are into me (Oh yes and literally), no screaming, barking or chanting..just the sound of the bed softly hitting the wall while we are both in tune to one another and each other’s body. I want my head to be held, the hair brushed away from my eyes, a kiss on my neck and a whisper of “I love you”. No part of my body will be ignored, every piece will get it’s fair share and so will yours. Did I miss anything.

*comes back down from Cloud 9*

Are you getting the point yet? You’re probably saying, “Um, why don’t you just shut the hell up and masturbate?”. Yes, masturbating is fun when you are getting the sex you need. Masturbating when you are NOT getting sex feels extremely lonely and somewhat…desperate. “He won’t do me so I have to resort to these damn double a’s”. Look, it’s extremely hard to cuddle up with a 6 inch piece of plastic, it doesn’t work..I’ve tried it. If men continue to deprive women of their ‘must have booty sessions’, they will have no choice but to start fascinating about other men when they DO masturbate and DO orgasm by their OWN hands and not yours, not a fun pill to swallow. The last thing you want is your woman thinking about David Hasselhoff naked while she’s rubbing one out.

Cheating? Why do people cheat? People cheat for several reasons, women cheat for several reasons. WHAT? WOMEN CHEAT? Shuddup. When women do not get their needs fulfilled from the person they WANT to fulfill them, they start to get a wondering eye. Trust me, most women DO NOT want to have a wondering eye. They will hold on to as much hope as possible…praying that one day you’ll come home with a boner but eventually, one can only take so much…or should I say..not so much. Other men will become appealing. Each man that passes her by, the thought will zing through her mind, “I wonder if he could make me happy”, “I wonder if he would be attracted to me, love me, touch me, caress me, bang me”. Humans, in general, can only go so long in an unfulfilled relationship. But, why is sex such an issue? We get along, we have fun together, we laugh together, we cuddle, we play…yeah, all of those things are great but again, sex forms the full circle and it connects all of these wonderful things together and makes them even more important. Sex is just another form of validation that is not optional.

We’re not stupid, though. We’re not telling ourselves that men are like this just ‘for now’ and that when the relationship is taken to another level..say marriage? that things will start going accordingly. No, we know that if you are not banging us once a month now that when the relationship gets kicked up a notch..there will be no sex. Some of us will be passionate enough  to hang on to you in hopes that one day you’ll get horny but all of us know (in the back of our minds) that we can’t make you want us. We can’t ‘turn’ it on for you, ‘make’ you horny, ‘make’ you attracted to us, ‘make’ you want to bang us…this is your ball and it’s in your court. We know that the only thing we can change is ourselves. What more can we do though? We’ve taken it as personal as we can. We’ve done a double self-check. We’ve already dealt with the rejection and the feelings of being unwanted and unpretty. All we CAN do is focus on self-validation, loving ourselves, remaining confident through it all and putting band-aids on our self-esteem. There is a time limit on all of this and not too many people can hang in there for long.

Women, Men, Humans, and Gerbils all have needs. You aren’t with a certain someone for the hell of it, you are with them because they do something for you, there is some sort of gratification but sometimes there isn’t enough gratification to make the relationship work. When someone feels empty because their partner is denying them the deep connection they long for…the relationship will slowly die because she will eventually push you into the friend zone and lose her connection with you.

What a sad day it will be when you have to tell your friends that ‘it’s over’ because you didn’t bang her. I know what you are thinking, “What are you some freak, relationships are not about sex?”. Oh, well..you must be the one that is holding out then, pfft. Sex IS needed in a relationship and most of ALL healthy relationships have a good dose of butt grinding and bumping nasties. It’s totally normal for two people in a relationship to want to have sex. It’s a way of showing how much you care, how much you are into them, how attractive you are to them, how much you love them, how much you need them, how much they turn you on, how you can’t live with out them…it’s saying all of that and this without saying a thing.

Yes, I know that there are a dozen things that women are doing wrong or things they aren’t doing but this post isn’t about that. People need to learn how to maintain a deep connection with one another. Okay, so sex might not be your way of showing it but it might be that way for your partner. It’s called compromise. No, you don’t have to have sex at the drop of a hat, whenever she feels like it, whenever it’s a day of the week, whenever she’s horny, whenever she takes a breath..life is about balance and life is about compromise. It’s evaluation time, it’s time to sit down and talk to one another, it’s time to make sure each partner is being fulfilled, it’s time to make sure that the relationship is right where it needs to be, it’s time to validate, it’s time to push for that deeper connection…it’s time to get laid.

*Disclaimer: There are numerous reasons why a man might not be having sex with a woman. Some of these reasons might be on the surface but some go deep, straight to the bone. Sometimes if you dig a little deeper, you might find what you are looking for. Ever heard of the “Madonna/Whore complex”? You should read it*