The Queen of Relationships

My lovely people, G’day! Yes, I do apologize..I have been hiding under a small rock. If you can just imagine two big booty cheeks with a rock in the middle, that’s me. I wish I could say that I’ve been vacationing at the Virgin Islands taking away virginity left and right but that isn’t the case. The only excuse that I have is that I have been designing some sort of plan for world peace? Does that work? I’ve been extremely busy and the one thing I love to do jumped on the back burner. Ok, enough with my excuses…this is a long one, you might wanna grab a beer and some nuts…roll that beautiful bean footage!

So, most of you that know me and those of you that don’t either know or don’t know that I have been dating a guy man for the past err, eight months. Holy Moly, that screams commitment. Hold me, I’m scared. I’ve had a few,little,minor major breaking points in the past week due to, what I would call, emotional neglect, not enough sleep, too many supplements, PMS and a partridge in a pear tree. With that being said, I would like to say that there is a difference between someone who neglects on purpose and someone who doesn’ t know they are neglecting. No woman wants to say “Hey there buddy, you are neglecting my feelings, my needs and my vagina”. We would rather give subtle hints and let you figure it out for yourself. We should know by now ( I should know by now) that you men do not know the term subtle. All you know is the term ’blunt’ and I’m not talking about reefer. (Just Say No!)

So, yes, the man and I got into a little cat fight debate. These seldom happen and when they do, it’s not the kind of situation where someone wants to be the winner. Also, I am almost 100%  positive that he thinks I am a loon with psychotic tendencies. I have to admit that I surprised myself. I am not someone that flies off of the handle when the shit has hit the fan. I am not someone who cries at the drop of the hat. I was at the end of my rope, feeling drained, empty and broke.  This is all because he never showed his feelings. He never complimented me, wasn’t very affectionate, didn’t think about sex and sometimes didn’t really converse with me. Some people mentioned that this could be toxic and some form of emotional abuse. I didn’t think that he would do anything on purpose to hurt me, it did feel toxic and it did feel like neglect. I eventually found out that this is his first serious relationship ever. I am cutting him some extreme slack. He didn’t know any better. I told him that I was in good shape before I met him. I was confident, had great self-esteem, was sure of myself..and all of that jazz. Now, I’m not. My confidence is somewhat shaky, I questioned my appearance now, I’m not sure if I have any good jokes left and sometimes my booty jiggles. Why has this happened? I told him I need validation, women need validation. And this is where it baffled me. He said:

“Why do you need me to validate who you are and how you feel about yourself?”
Say what?
Oh, for a second there I thought you said “Waka Waka Waka”

The question stumped me. I looked as if he just had just given me the magic formula to Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Jawbreakers. I was confused and usually “Oh little one with good comebacks” was speechless. I understood the question, I understood what he was saying…it was formulating feelings in my gut that was the problem. I could feel why I needed validation but I couldn’t say it. Why did I need him to feel pretty? Why did I need him to feel accepted? Why was I so confident before and not so much now? Why did I need sex from him? Oh, that one’s easy..I was horny. Why did I need him to hold me, touch me, caress me, fondle me? I love the word fondle. The combination of it all is summed up in one word…validation.

Look, I don’t know why we need validation. I could go without it if I didn’t need it so much, um, that made no sense. So, listen to this: Are you ready? Can someone please give me a drum roll?

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us– in other words, that THEY matter to us. By “mirroring” some one’s feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us.

It’s no wonder I felt so empty. I had been complimenting him, touching him, laughing atwith him, giving him gifts, trying to have sex with him, trying to spend quality time with him, etc. I did all I knew to do. When he didn’t mirror the things that I did, I started to think he didn’t appreciate them, he didn’t appreciate me, he didn’t care about me, he wasn’t attracted to me, he was bored and I became broken and had no more energy to proceed with loving him. Most of you have read the “Five Love Languages”. We all speak different love languages in order to keep our love tank full. If we give and give and receive nothing in return…our love tank dries up and we begin to run on empty. I was running on empty. Now, he didn’t just sit there and do nothing. He was always running around the house doing things, fixing things, mowing the yard, anything and everything under the sun. I don’t speak the language of acts of service, maybe that was his love language. So, naturally, when I was getting back what I put out…I felt denied, rejected and neglected. My love tank had straight up gone kapoot. I lost it.

I don’t think men understand how powerful validation is in a relationship. It seems to be so minor but when practiced can have major positive affects. When we go to our men with issues, problems, situations..their natural response is to one to fix it. “There must be a logical way to fix this situation”. Look, we aren’t asking you to fix anything. We are looking for some sort of validation. We are looking for understanding. We are looking for sincere affection towards the situation. We want you to listen and then make some sort of comment to let us know that you understand, that you care, that you heard us, that you love us. Men- wouldn’t it feel great to not have to feel the need to fix, when all you have to do is listen and show signs of concern and compassion? We want you to stand in our shoes for a moment, to see things from our point of view…not to be so cut and dry and needing to fix.

Please don’t think  that because a woman/person needs validation that they are insecure. I think at some point or another every one enjoys a little validation. I see validation as a small gift wrapped in a cute, little bow. When someone validates another person, it helps us to feel as if someone ‘gets’ you, ‘understands’ you; it also makes us feel as if we aren’t alone. It feels good to know that our actions, words and feelings make sense to another person. It’s easier to relax around someone and keep down your guard when there is validation. With validation come an extreme sense of connection. I crave connection and I can’t seem to feel it without some sort of validation. Does this make me needy? I think not.

When we first got together, the relationship was pure bliss..we were running on straight chemistry and chemicals. Of course, the honey moon always dies and you come back down to earth. What’s left? You can either let the relationship run on auto-pilot or you can practice validation which nourishes the relationship. How do I validate my man? Oh and BTW, he is 100% man. I’m so over dating pansies. Validating him is letting him know how much I appreciate and value him. It’s the little things. Look, it would be one thing if validation costs as much as a Louis Vuitton purse but it doesn’t, it’s free…it just takes work. You must use your thinking cap when using validation, you must be in tune to your partners personality, preferences, tastes, and communicate it verbally to have an impact. I can’ t help but go back to the “Five Love Languages”, it talks about several ways to validate some one’s feelings and how to show someone you love them, care about them and want them to be happy.

 THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

1.)  Gifts: (sweet notes/cards, flowers, dinner, candy, perfume,etc)
2.) Words Of Affirmation: (You’re Pretty, You’re So Funny, Dinner Was Great, You Smell Good, You Can Do It, I Love You, I Love Being With You, I Need You, You’re Special To Me, Cute Dress, I Cherish You, Nice Ass)
3.) Acts Of Service: ( doing the dishes, folding clothes, mowing the yard, babysitting the kids, cooking dinner, taking him/her out, it’s basically doing things for your partner to show that you care).
4.) Physical Touch:(holding hands, playing with her hair, smacking her ass, massaging her back, licking her nipple, sex, kissing, caressing, gettin wild and freaky, using the strap on)
5.)Quality Time: (good conversation, spending time with no outside interruptions, activities)

So, I feel a lot better. Yes, sometimes I write for my own selfish, therapeutic reasons. I hope some of you can walk away having learned something and maybe decide to put some of it in your back pocket for later. Remember, validation isn’t about insecurity…it’s really about looking for some sort of response from another person…just to let us know that you care, understand and that you are ‘in tune’ to our feelings and our needs. Amen. Church is dismissed.

 

To validate some one’s feelings is first to accept some one’s feelings. Next, it is to understand them, and finally it is to nurture them. To validate is to acknowledge and accept one’s unique identity and individuality. Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge their feelings, and hence, their individual identity. When we validate someone, we allow them to safely share their feelings and thoughts. We are reassuring them that it is okay to have the feelings they have. We are demonstrating that we will still accept them after they have shared their feelings. We let them know that we respect their perception of things at that moment. We help them feel heard, acknowledged, understood and accepted. Sometimes validation entails listening, sometimes it is a nod or a sign of agreement or understanding, sometimes it can be a hug or a gentle touch. Sometimes it means being patient when the other person is not ready to talk.

 

Non-Validating Conversation (self-oriented)

 

Louise:  We sure didn’t spend much time together at the beach.

 

Mac:  I don’t know why you say that.  We got up together and walked on the beach at least two different mornings.

 

Louise:  It just didn’t seem like you included me in your plans very much.

 

Mac:  Well, I guess that my priority was to spend time visiting with my brothers this week.

 

Louise:  It seemed like you carved out special time to spend with your mother, your brothers, and one of your sister-in-laws, but there weren’t any special efforts or plans for us to spend time together.

 

Mac:  I didn’t know you felt that way.  You should have said something.

 

Louise:  You had three days to yourself at the beach, before I arrived, to spent time anyway you wanted to and I just expected that when I arrived I would have gotten more of your time and attention.

 

Mac:  Well, Louise, I can assure you that I wasn’t trying to avoid you.  I was just trying to spend some time with Barry and Chris.  I don’t get to see them very often and just wanted to make the most of my time at the beach.

 

Louise:  It’s no big deal.  I was just hoping to spend more time together.  It seemed like everybody was going in different directions and doing their own things.  Then, when I had to leave to go to my conference on Friday morning, it didn’t feel like I had had much of a vacation with you.

 

        VALIDATING CONVERSATION
(partners feelings are heard)

 

Louise:  We sure didn’t spent much time together at the beach.

 

Mac:  I can see how you would feel that way.  You were only able to be there for three days and a lot of the time I was hanging out with my brothers.  However, if I remember correctly, we did get up to walk the beach together on two different mornings.

 

Louise:  Yes, and I appreciated those walks that we did take together.  It just didn’t seem like you included me in your plans very much during the rest of our time at the beach.

 

Mac:  It sounds like you really missed me and felt left out since our time together was so brief and unpredictable.  Meanwhile, I was spending lots of time interacting and doing things with other members of the family.  I guess that my priority was to spend time visiting with my brothers this week.

 

Louise:  I realize that you don’t get to see your family very much.  They live in New York and Pennsylvania, and there aren’t many opportunities to get together.  It’s just that you carved out special time to spend with your mother, your brothers, and one of your sisters-in-law, but didn’t seem to make any special plans for you and me to do things together.

 

Mac:  Wow!  I had no idea that you felt that way.  Sounds like it really did appear that I was making special efforts to connect with everybody except you.  I’m sorry that I got caught up in the excitement of seeing my family in a way that kind of left you on the sidelines.  I sure wish that you would have said something at the beach while this was all happening.

 

Louise:  I can understand how easy it was for you to forget about me a bit when you were so excited and charged up about seeing Barry and Chris.  It’s just that you had a full three days at the beach, before I arrived, to spend anyway you wanted.  I guess I envied you those extra days and had hoped to be a little more at the center of your attention when I finally arrived.

 

Mac:  That certainly makes sense.  After all, this was our vacation too and we didn’t spend all that much time with one another.  I can assure you, Louise, that I was not trying to avoid you.  I guess that I just had some tunnel vision with regard to connecting with my brothers. 

 

Louise:  It’s no big deal.  I was just hoping to spend more time with you.  It seemed like everybody was going in different directions and doing their own things.  Then, when I had to leave to go to my conference on Friday morning, it didn’t feel like I had had much of a vacation with you.

 PLEASE COMMENT OR I WILL HAVE TO CUT YOU!!! HAMMER TIME!