The Queen of Relationships

Today I decided to have a guest blogger. Aren’t you excited? I wanted to mix things up a bit.  Instead of force feeing you a woman’s stand point, I thought I would welcome aboard a friend of mine to give you the man’s version. His name is Mark Shepard. He is a muli-talented musical man with many gifts. Take it away Mark….

Some things chicks do that drive a good man crazy and basically kill attraction:

1. Call too much. In the beginning I do appreciate a call or e-mail from a woman because it helps to know she is interested. But texting me and calling more than once a day is not a good sign. It not only says “desperate” but it’s like “don’t you have anything better to do?” I’m a busy guy living a fully engaging life. Connect once and it’s nice. Connect a bunch of times and it starts to be an interruption and an annoyance.
2. Getting hurt and pissed off because I didn’t answer every single one of your 20 calls and text messages (is there a pattern emerging here?) (yes people this really happened)
3. Valentines Day. If we’ve been dating for a year this could be a day of celebration. But if we’ve been out on 3 dates and I’m not even sure I want to be more than friends with you, please don’t send me 15 pounds of milk chocolate. First of all, I don’t like milk chocolate. I’m a dark chocolate guy and one small bar of a high end dark chocolate will definitely endear you to me. But I’d rather have nothing than a bunch of crap that I don’t like and that is frankly not good for me. The moral is stop doing to others as you would have done unto you and start finding out what other people are into and act accordingly.And secondly it will be weird because I most likely will not be sending you anything. I might send a card. But in the past when I’ve sent valentines day cards to women I was just starting to get to know they took it like “Oh my gawd! We’re in a “relationship” now.” No ladies. If a guy sends you a card he has either learned that women dig it and is trying to get into your pants or he is smitten. But when I really like a girl? I hand write her a note on plain white paper and I send her a painting I made or an mp3 of a special song. So if your potential love interest is making you stuff or writing songs inspired by you. (no matter how dreadful they may be) he is very in to you. This is not a green light to start texting and calling him a hundred times a day. (please see item #1 above)The reason this whole over giving thing is bugging me is because, as a Modern Jedi student of human behavior,(see http://ModernJedi.com) I am aware of unconscious stuff like “the law of reciprocity.” It is a basic human law that if you give me something, I feel kind of obligated to give you something of equal value back. If you go overboard and give me way too much. Then I feel kind of weird and awkward and maybe even a bit resentful.Guys do this probably even more than women. I was once waiting for a woman at a restaurant and mentioned it was a date to the waitress. The waitress said, “what! No flowers?” This was when I was recently divorced and somewhat new to dating (okay I didn’t have a friggin clue!). So I thought oops! I’m supposed to bring flowers? I didn’t get the memo!”  So I went next door where there just happened to be a florist shop, and was going to get a single flower but then I got all carried away and got her this really nice bouquet…when she showed up and saw it…it was just really weird and awkward…She said “What’s this?” She distinctly did not say “Oh Mah Heee-roe”. My bad. I over did it. Needless to say there was no second date. I called her a bunch of times but for some reason she never returned my calls! Huh?
4. Do not try to solve my problems. If I feel comfortable enough to let down my guard a bit and share something I may be struggling with (this recent economic thing really kind of clobbered my business and I was re-evaluating what my next moves were. Money was tight but I felt like ultimately it was a good thing for my long term health and happiness as it gave me permission to really pursue my music http://MarkShepardSongs.com) but this woman totally misinterpreted it and started trying to “fix” it. She knew nothing about business and had always been an employee. She started spouting all this Law of Attraction stuff which I also believe in but she hadn’t earned the right to be my business coach. All I wanted was to be real and authentic.My bad for sharing too much probably. But I didn’t want mislead her and give the impression that I was Mr. Money bags either. I’m looking to be authentic. When she started in on how I had to read this book and that book and my money problems would magically disappear… I started losing attraction (because I’d read all those books already, I teach the damn stuff!). No doubt the very fact that I wasn’t presenting myself as the Big Hunter, made her lose attraction for me. But she started getting really bossy and pushy and I stopped taking her calls. Any time  you think you know what someone’s problem is and that you can fix it. You are in dangerous territory. If you think he’s so screwed up that you need to start fixing him. Have the Just Be Friends Talk and go find a guy you admire.
5. As I mentioned before, bossy and pushy do not build attraction. Just because I’m willing to be open and communicate from a place that is somewhat vulnerable does not mean I am weak. Misjudge this and start pushing and I will just go away. I will probably not explain it to you.
6. For long distance start up/potential relationships: If you suggest flying in to see me and I’m not like Oh yeah baybee! That’s not a good sign. If I offer to fly to see you (as a  full time musician and artist I do not have the big bucks for jumping on airplanes just yet) it’s a serious indicator of interest. Might I suggest that the two of you go on line immediately and book a flight? That way he will be less likely to change his mind. But don’t be bossy about it! Say “Oh that’s great! Let’s see what kind of deals we can get on expedia…”If you have a gazillion frequent flyer miles and are due for a free ticket you can offer to travel to him. Or you can offer him the ticket. It’s probably not a good idea for you to pay for his ticket otherwise. If he’s in to you enough he will find the money. If not. There really are plenty of fish in the sea. Don’t get hung up on any one guy!
7. Pick up on the clues. Why guys are not always honest about not being into you: We hate tears. We hate confrontation. We hate having to tell someone they are not everything we’d hoped for. I’ve found out the hard way that as difficult as it is, I have to sometimes be blunt because women (men too) seem to hear only what they want to hear. But when a guy says, Listen I think we should just be friends. Don’t keep chasing him. That is called stalking. Deal with it and be grateful that he was honest with you because he just saved you a lot of heartache later on. Most guys will just kind of pull away or start acting weird in the hopes that you’ll get the message and gracefully break it off.
8. Too many long, drawn out relationship talks. Why we hat them? Because they are upsetting. They never seem to resolve anything and they take up a lot of valuable time when we could be doing something important like making money or watching a movie.. or hanging out with a chick who “gets” us and isn’t so high maintenance. And if after only a few months (or days) of seeing each other you suggest we go to therapy to work on our communication skills…just take it as not a good sign.At this point in my life I would rather be single and totally alone than spend a whole lot of time with someone who wants to drag me to therapy. In fact, given the experience I’ve had with “therapy” in the past. I’d rather just be tied to an anthill and left to die. No, I have an idea, just stick needles in my eyes. HELLO! BTW this does not mean that if I was with someone who I was really into that I would not want to improve my communication skills. I do . I want to communicate and connect deeply and intimately with my woman. But if the whole thing is a pain in the ass before we even start having fun, If you are tossing out a bunch of emotional land mines that I am accidentally stepping on and triggering your stuff…Then let’s just let it go and move on. Okay? The person who needs to do some therapy might be him but then again it might …. Be….YOU. Sheesh. Now please hand me the remote!
9. You’ve heard this one a million times but it is also a basic human law. Don’t be too available. Don’t be too unavailable either. If I ask you out and you can’t see me for 3 months…I probably will not climb that hurdle. I’ve got too many other options. Some dorky desperate guy with no life and no options might chase you to the ends of the earth but that won’t be me. I’ve got stuff to do…On the other hand if you are totally available to see me any time any day any where…that does smack of desperate and needy on your part. Again there is a balance here. And if I’m really “in to you” and you are willing to actually make yourself available it can be magical… The main thing with this is basically have a life. Be living a fun, compelling and interesting life. I am. And I want an equal. Not some clingon.I’m sure you ladies would feel the same way if a guy was always available and at your beck and call. YOU would lose attraction and respect for him pretty fast. This is one of those universal laws that applies in business as well. Scarce commodities go up in value. Plentiful ones go down in value. But too scarce or too expensive and we look for other solutions. When oil was through the roof last year it stimulated all kinds of interest in solar, wind, hydrogen etc.  So don’t get so full of your self and you wonderful hotness that the kind of guy you actually want can’t even get an appointment. Think about it.

So that’s it for today. Just some random thoughts from the front lines of “grown up” dating where good people learn how to work on their “stuff” so they can attract and nurture the kinds of positive relating experiences they truly want.
- Mark Shepard http://MarkShepard.com