The Queen of Relationships

Every one please gather ’round and form your chairs into a circle. Therapy session is about to begin so sit back, grab a drink and please refrain from lighting up during the meeting…unless it’s reefer and you feel like sharing. Oh, the first lesson of the day is “Don’t Do Drugs”. The second lesson of the day has a little something to do with relationships. I know, it’s hard for you to believe, right? I know I told you I only think on Tuesdays and Thursdays but today was a special day. I had a tiny, extra brain cell from the previous week that I leeched off of. So, you are all in for a ”Tiny Tim”  treat and I do mean ‘tiny’. God bless us, everyone.

In between brain farts today, I started to think about some of the main reasons relationships end. I mean, we all know the obvious ones like your boyfriend bitch slapping you because you bought the wrong kind of milk, or your husband sticking his winky in someone else’s stinky or you found out your man likes to take it up the rear, ouchie! …those are the obvious.  I wanted to go a ‘tiny’ bit deeper than that and look for some other reasons that people seem to over look. Hell, they might be obvious to you…if they are, just throw me a freaking bone, fancy me and read it anyway for shitz and giggles. Well, minus the shitz…there’s no time for a clean up on aisle 3.

1) Pinky Sware:It’s probably a bad idea to go through a relationship keeping secrets. The constant fear of the other person finding out will eat you alive. Most people save the secrets until right after the honeymoon is over. “Oh honey? One more thing, I used to be a man, babay!”. If you hold all your secrets in and then dump them out later on in the relationship, your partner might walk. I’m not talking about walking to the store, I’m talking about walking out of your life. I’m not saying you need to spill your green beans on the first date because there is a time and place for everything.  If you think that someone is not going to accept you because of some dark details, then they are probably not the person for you. If someone proclaims to love you, they will love you even if you did have a penis before, I think. So, if you see that the relationship is moving in a serious direction, it might be time to sit down and have “Story Time”. Oh and after “Story Time” comes “Show-N-Tell”…my favorite part!

2)Infatuation: Oh, I love this phase, this infatuation phase. This is where you the hormones do the talking and the penis does the walking. For example, let’s say you hate inverted nipples. You end up meeting this hot chic/dude that you fall head over heels for. You totally overlook the nipple part. You keep telling yourself that one day they’ll pop out, just like the thermometer on a turkey during Thanksgiving. Eventually, you get settled into the relationship, get comfortable and cozy. The nipples start to aggravated the hell out of you. They weren’t as cute as they were before. You have been bitten by the infatuation bug. Things are so foggy when you are in this stage. Peni looks ten times bigger, boobs look a million times purkier and nipples definitely do not look inverted. Sometimes, as soon as people snap back to reality, they realize the other person is totally wrong for them and end the relationship and say good-bye to the nipples. Damn nipples.

3)In-Laws: Oh yes, some people have ‘those’ in-laws that seem as if they’ve come from the pit of hell. Most of the time it’s the Mother-In-Laws, but Father-In-Laws? You are not exempt from this topic. Some mother’s just can’t seem to keep their tit in the bra. They seemingly continue to force feed their 30 year old children. They stick their honker into business that isn’ t theirs. They manipulate, control and sometimes throw hissy fits when they don’t get their way. Countless relationships have been ruined by the  SatanHell-In-Laws. Some of you need to grab your balls or your boobs and stand up to your parents. Don’t let them live your life, unless you are comfortable with being treated like a two year old…if that’s the case, isn’t it time for a diaper change?

4)Unresolved Issues:Umph, I can’t think of anything funny to say about this because it’s really just NOT that funny. many of us are consumed with issues from the past that bleed over into our previous relationships. Issues like abandonment, molestation, abuse, rape, neglect…need I say more? Certain issues from our past effect how we act in future relationships. It’s important to get a grip on unresolved issues before you get into a committed relationship. If you have had many failed relationships, you might want to search out for possible issues that haven’t been faced.  Know that ‘issues’ are not permanent and you don’t have to be tattooed with the pain for the rest of your life.

5)Greener Grass: You know what they say, don’t you? Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side. When are we finally going to learn that there isn’t any damn grass on the other side? Some people have it so good in a relationship that they want more of it and the more the better, right? People tend to think that if it’s this great on this side, imagine how great it would be on the opposite. If you continue to bounce from one side to the other, you might want to do a self-check as to why you are not happy no matter where you are. Now, if you are in an abusive situation or have a bad ‘gut’ feeling about a relationship, yes the grass is probably greener on the other side…only because it wasn’t really green to begin with. I’m talking about the people that can sit still in a relationship because they are always looking for something better. If you have a good relationship and you think the grass is greener, 9 times out of 10 it’s probably not.

6) PooMatch.com:  Oh penis wrinkle, some of us get into relationships knowing they are all wrong for us. Oh, hello loneliness. Yes, other’s come carrying huge, red flags and we choose to ignore the hell out of them . We doubt our gut feeling and go with it anyway. What is that about? I mean, eventually…you must know that it’s not going to work out. Yes, in the end it will be over and think of all the time you wasted on a poo match. People don’t realize how important compatibility is. If you see that the two of you aren’t compatible int he beginning, you will not be compatible in the end. Don’t go searching for love just because you’re lonely, by a dog and then a dildo.

7)Different Languages: If you’ve ever read the “Five Love Languages”, you know what I’m talking about. Good read. Most couples that end up being together don’t speak the same love language. For example, mine love language is words of affirmation. My boyfriend assumes that my love language is his, which is acts of service. So, while he’s busting his balls mowing the yard and fixing things, I am wanting him to tell me he cares and that I’m pretty. You see, he’s showing the way that he cares in his own love language, a language that I don’t speak. Couples miss the mark with this and sometimes label themselves as incompatible. This isn’t the case. If you are compatible but feel as if you are speaking in two different languages as far as affection and attention go, please read this book.

I could have went all the way to ten but I didn’t want to dig deeper into the obvious. I didn’t mention my favorite and that is boredom. Dammit, sometimes people end a relationship because they are so completely bored and want something new and exiting. Hey, it happens. Well, that’s it for today class. Please go out into the world and share you knowledge and lay off the reefer!