The Queen of Relationships

I’m not saying that I’m 30 or even over 30 but if I “were” to be 30 or over 30…I would wonder where the hell a 30-year-old woman might find a stud muffin of a man? Okay, he doesn’t have to be a stud, or even a muffin but if he is a stud…bravo and if he is a muffin…damn, I hope he’s blueberry.

Before you go on the search for your soul mate, read my recent post about learning how to “Settle For Your Soul Mate”

Women in their thirties (and older) are not “Old Maids” for being single…

I always wonder who put the “Old Maid” label on single, older women. Did you know that in other countries, if you are not married by a certain age…you are considered flawed? Mmm, Let me think…I’m married or I’m flawed? I’ll take flawed for $200, Alex.  As if the “old maid” stereotype isn’t enough, men seem to be non-existent when you reach a certain age.  Well, there is penis everywhere, but being surrounded by sausage doesn’t exactly mean there’s an open invitation to the meat market. Damn, weren’t the college years fun…when everyone was single and the word “commitment” was more less putting a deposit down on your first apartment? Times,  they’re-a-changing …while biological clocks are ticking. Tick Tick Tock

Sitting at home, waiting for Mr. Right will give you a pot belly and a hairy back…

Who knows, maybe there is a ding-a-ling shortage or maybe it’s our own short comings that keep us from finding Mr. Right and the picket fence. Look, I don’t know much but I know this much: You will not meet Mr. Right while sitting on the couch eating pizza. Well, unless you have a thing for delivery boys and anchovies. You must use the force, Melba!

Find yourself, then find “the one” oh, and the golden ticket! You did it, Charlie!

I don’t feel like going into my whole “you need to find yourself before you find him”, let’s just assume you found yourself this morning, had an ‘aha’ moment and are ready to meet the hottest sausage on the market, the muffin market. Oh, do you know the muffin man? Where’s a girl woman to go when she’s looking to fall into the lap of luxury Mr. Right? Oh wait, mental note- don’t go looking for love, you are on a mission to get out of the house and socialize. If you make ‘finding a man’ your top priority, trust me- you will find one, but he’ll probably be more of a “Mr. Right Now” than a “Mr. Right Up My Alley”.

If you haven’t read my recent post …”Why It’s Great To Be Single”, you should!

Look, let’s cut the crap here: You wanna talk about where to meet the men and I got a 10:00 with a cucumber and a nut so let’s just get this over with, okay? “Bus driver…MOVE THAT BUS!

How to Meet Men After Thirty!
(step away from the potato chips)

Get A (night) Life
(Upscale Bar, Night Club, Sports Bar, Bar & Grill, Happy Hour )
Do the words ‘upscale’ and ‘bar’ go together? Why does the word “bar” make me feel so dirty? Oh, maybe it’s because when I think of the word “bar”, dirty sluts and pop-up penises come to mind. You might not believe this but not all bars are dirty, just like- all sluts are not dirty, wait…what’s the difference between a slut and a dirty slut?  Moving on. I’m sure the last thing you want to do is go to a damn bar, but be reminded that there’s a sleuth of nightlife out there that might just align with your own, unique taste. If you want just booty, go to a club where people are juiced up on GHB and dancing to 1999 techno. If you want someone with class, try visiting some sort of wine loft or something. If you’re looking for a macho-nacho man, go hang out at a sports bar. Or, we could just get a cheap box of wine, watch chick flicks and cry in our fruit loops.

Married people are the plague
(Hi, my name is Third Wheel)
Well, maybe this is not totally true but it could be a plague to your single life. Married people are fine and dandy but they aren’t single. It’s just peachy to hang out with them but it’s not where you’re going to meet the muffin man. I know, sometimes they might have a single friend or two but “like attracts like” and most married people are going to hang out with ‘their’ peeps (other married people). Hanging out with married people is a wonderful way to gag yourself stupid. It’s just another reminder that you have not been initiated into their club.

A good way to meet single muffins is to have single friends. Single girlfriends are more likely to have a single, different lifestyle than the married lifers. Also, it never hurts to have a few single guy friends, even if you aren’t interested in them- you never know when their friend “Babe-ilicious Bob” will show up. You can’t be single and live the married lifestyle, it won’t work. You’ve gotta get out there, meet and make new friends with people who are in the same boat. It’s not time to “go granny” just yet, so throw out your old panties, get some thongs on your fine ass and get out to play “meet & greet”.

Get online and go get it, girl
(Beware of stalkers, psychopaths and peewee herman)

I know, you’re saying “duh”…no really, I’m saying it with you. Really, would this be a legit list if I didn’t add the online shiznit? Come on, everyone’s doing it. I wouldn’t be surprised if, in the near future, people start meeting their muffins on social networking sites: LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, etc…please, no Myspace. I can’t even remember the last time I went to my Myspace account. Honestly, go browse through this site and tell me how many thugs you see. I mean, thugs are cool but shorty don’t wanna be a thug. Facebook is seemingly more professional, while Myspace seems to draw in a younger crowd.

Of course, we can’t overlook the dating sites. I wrote a post awhile back about dating online, check it out. It’s unreal how many dating sites are out there. I’m telling you, they have one for every group imaginable: different nationalities, disabled people, people w/ herpes (no lie), millionaires, sugar daddies, and the list goes on. It’s really about your personal preference because all of the dating sites have different things to offer. Don’t be stupid, be safe and listen to your gut when dealing with muffins on these sites.

Take leisure classes and/or continuing education
(Find a man while you’re hitting the books)

Sometimes I think that a number of college girls go to college just to find a man, not a bad idea. I mean, if you’re looking for a guy with ambition- hello, college campus. I remember my college days, I was like a kid in a candy shop. Well, these days, men and women are going back to school to continue their education. If you want to avoid being in the classroom with the younger folks, you should see if they have ‘adult classes’.  Here in Baton Rouge, LSU has a program for getting your master’s and it’s somewhat catered around the working professional. I’m not saying to sign up for a class “just” to meet a man, because you can easily hit two birds with one stone. Think of it this way, go back to school, get educated- I’m pretty sure it will up your chances of finding a man or well, at least a study partner.

Go to church, can I get a amen, sista?
(The church bells are ringing, the back pew is waiting)

Not everyone is into the church thing and that’s okay. There are so many different beliefs and religions out there, you’ve got to go with what works best for you. Many churches have ‘single groups’ or ‘single bible studies’ that you can join, which would be a great opportunity to mingle with singles and meet new people. Of course, out of an entire congregation, you are going to have a sleuth of different beliefs. You don’t want to try to date someone that says ‘no sex before marriage’ if this isn’t what you believe…you will end up extremely frustrated. Trust me, I’ve dated a youth pastor before and I’m no preacher’s wife. If you already go to church, bounce from the back pew to the middle and get involved. The more involved you are, the more likely you will meet new people and maybe even that special someone. Now, go tell it on the mountain!

Daycares, Day camps & Single Daddies…Oh my!
(Think of all the single dad’s in the world, one of them could be yours)

If you are single with children, most of us want to find someone that also has children. Sometimes it’s hard dating someone without kids because most just don’t get it. Now, I’m not saying use your children to meet someone cool, it’s all about getting out there and meeting new people. You are not going to find someone while you’re sitting at home watching Maury. You should get your children involved, also. Think of all the T-ball games you could be going to, go team. I have seen a lot of hot Dad’s, dropping their children at daycare…mmmm, spicy porkchop. Don’t forget to look at the ring finger, don’t wanna be creeping on someone’s hubby. Finding the right place to mingle is the first step, learning how to start a conversation is the next. Involving yourself in activities and conversation is the core of socializing.

Get involved in your community
(Volunteer, join a supper club or something…)

The community that you live in can have an affect on how much socializing you can do. If you live in a small town with one red light, I suggest you run like hell to the bigger cities. I mean, I came from a small town and after I had already dated everyone, I figured it was time to move on to bigger things. There’s something unsettling about dating a guy who you know used to screw Wilma. In a small town, everyone knows your game and your business and eventually, you run out of people to date. I’m just saying. Get your hands on your town newspaper or magazine, usually in the back- they will have advertisements for classes you can take, volunteer opportunities and events. Look, my town was so small…I drove an hour away just to find something to do. Yes, I drove an hour to belly classes, it actually took two hours because my belly was dragging behind. Piggy.

Be passionate about something
(When I say something, I don’t mean eating ice cream and reading “O”)

I think you might find that if you get passionate about something you believe in, you will eventually group up with people that have the same passion as you. If you are passionate about sprucing up your home, go hang out in the front of Home Depot. Just be sure to set up a table with a sign that says you are taking ‘donations’ for a hubby. Probably not a good idea, though. Look, I’m just saying to find something you love to do, be passionate about it and let everything else fall into place. You never know, with things falling into place…you might just fall into love, or not or maybe or not.

Go skipping to the gym
(The gym is —-à that way)

Listen, I hate working out but I love eating out. I like doing curls but only with my fork. I’m not trying to brag but I can bench press an entire cow while curling string, bean casserole with my toes. Yeah, I’m pretty fabulous but don’t take my word for it, ask my ass. I do not do co-ed gyms, sorry. The last thing I want to have to worry about is whose face my jiggly underarms are going to slap next. I mean, it’s fine if it’s another woman (I look at it as encouragement) but a dude? That’s embarrassing. I only go to work out at facilities for vaginas. But, (grunt) there are some of you (damn you) that have the figure to bounce wherever you want (I will eat you), so you should take advantage of that and go lift weights with the penises. I would stay away from the jocks that are at the gym 24/7, this is a turn off for me. It’s great and all that you care about your body, but when you are more concerned with every rip and roll on your body- no, thank you. I don’t do abs, I do flabs. So, for all the bold, people out there- make your way to the “Glorious Co-Ed Genital Gym”, mingle and what not- I’ll be at home stuffing my face with tacos.

All things sports related
(If you play it, they will come)

The city I live in seems to have a number of co-ed sport teams. Let’s see, there’s kick ball, softball, tag football, basket weaving- not really. I haven’t met a man yet that didn’t’ seem interested in sports. Well, there was that one guy but he was sweet as sugar and a little light in his loafers. Getting involved and joining a team is not only loads of fun, there will be penis everywhere. Just think, you’ll be in ball heaven: kick balls, softballs, footballs, tennis balls, soccer balls, and scrotum balls! Can I get a “go team”? Time for a huddle! Now, get your ass out on the field and I don’t wanna hear any lip!

Okay, I’m wrapping this baby up in a pretty red bow and sending it your way. Here’s the kicker: Men are where they are and you won’t run into them unless you find out where they are, go where the men are. Go, my child. Go out into the wilderness and be sure to look divine. It’s like this, think of the guy of man you are attracted to. Are you picturing it? Now, think: “If I were a man that ______________, where would I hang out”? Now, it’s up to you to fill in the blank and find the balls. Narrow down what kind of man you want, figure out the typical ‘hang out’ spot, grab a friend, your purse and get off your pretty ass and go mingle!