The Queen of Relationships

You know, one of my favorite all time movies was the fabulous comedy with Jim Carey, “Liar, Liar”. I probably could recite it word for word, “The pen is blue, the pen is blue…the GD pen is blue”. Oh, I guess you kind of had to be there. Ole Jim, Gotta love him. If only I could invent the magic formula, pushing people to be brutally honest without the ability to tell even the smallest, fluffiest “little white lie”. Honestly, now that I think about it…I do not want my friend to know that she looks like a ‘pig in a blanket’ when she wears that pink dress, nor do I want my mother knowing that her butter bean casserole tastes like cow dung and personally, I do not need anyone telling me that I have dimples in my ass. Hey, if you see the dimples…you’ve created a smile.

So, it’s obvious that fluffing the truth is something that we all do on a day to day basis and anyone who says they don’t fluff, is lying.

You said: “Oh, those shoes are to die for!”                You wanted to say: “You wouldn’t catch me dead in those!”
You said: “Girl, who cut your hair, it’s the best!”   You wanted to say: “Whoa, that shit looks like a birds nest!”
You said: “You’re the best lover I’ve ever had!”      You wanted to say: “You’re the best lover I’ve ever had…within the past hour!”

I don’t think that fluffing makes us liars, in a twisted way…it sort of makes us compassionate. There are truths that sometimes need to be diluted, because some people just can’t handle the truth. *raises hands* Without a little bit of flattery, the world would be bold, blunt, raw and cruel. So, it’s evident that we all fib through life, mostly to fluff up the truth, avoid hurting someone’s feelings, and possibly to get out of a lunch date with Dennis that works in the cubicle next to you.

Now, I’m not going to get in a pissing contest, comparing men against women as to who lies the most. Besides fluffing, all of us have the ability to tell a humdinger. But, (huge but) women and men tend to lie about different things. Since I am a woman, (hear me roar) I believe that women are more prone to lie about

mundane things like who many partners they have slept with, that their man is great in bed, …”Why yes, that was a real orgasm”, etc. I’ve known a few women that are true, pathological liars but not to rip on the men, the ones with the weenies are usually the ones that not only tell bold face lies but are pretty bold in doing it.

People, in general, think they are sneaky when it comes to lying. Hey, some of them suck at it and some of them were born with a natural talent (talent, pfft). I mean, people get away with some shitty shit because the term ‘lying’ as a loose definition. Lying is not just about saying a statement that is not true. While this is the popular definition of lying, it totally puts all the sneaky, manipulating lying under the radar. This allows liars to justify their own bending of the truth. Let me give you an example of a lie outside the typical definition:

You: “I can’t believe you slept with that bitch and didn’t tell me”
Him: “You didn’t ask”
You: “Oh, no you didn’t”
Him: “You’re right, I didn’t….as in DIDN’T TELL YOU, oh snap in your face”.

Now, let’s look at some different types of lies. I know, this topic can be somewhat complex especially since the definition of a lie might vary from person to person. I actually stalked Wikipedia on most of these. I found more lies than this but I just wanted to touch base on a few of them.

A lie is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement, especially with the intention to deceive others
(Wikipedia)

1. Bold Lie: When someone makes a statement that is 100% false, untrue and bullshit.
2. Half-Truth: When someone tells you something and leaves out an important fact. “I went to the store at 5 pm today (HALF) and I screwed your mother
mother on the way home (TRUTH). So, someone telling you half of a statement without including the most important fact, that is a half-truth and bullshit.
3. Fluffy Lie: This could be blowing the truth out of proportion. “I screwed your mother 100 times and she had a vagina the size of Texas”. and bullshit.
4. White Lie: A white lie, even though deceptive, usually is beneficial to the listener. “You are just as pretty as your mother”. and bullshit.
5. Bluff Lie: This is a lie people used to act as if they have an intention or capability that they really do not have, commonly used as a tactic and bullshit.
6. Careful Lie: When someone wants to avoid exposing certain information so they tip toe, speaking carefully without wanting to lie, using carefully-phrased statements. They don’t really answer the question but are seemingly so good a blowing smoke up your ass…it might have sounded legit.
7. Absent Lie: This is where someone just doesn’t tell you something that is deceptive. You know, they fail to mention they slipped into Tina’s vagina earlier at lunch. To me, being deceptive is lying.

There are so many ways people lie, some of them easily justify it because they assume lying is just saying a bold face lie, not true. And now, I will leave you with  a funny clip from my favorite movie, “Liar, Liar”.  (Jim Carey’s is a lawyer in “Liar, Liar” and his son made a with that he could never tell a lie. This scene is where he is just figuring out that he can not tell a lie and he tests it out on a blue pen, trying to say it’s red but obviously can’t lie…so..it’s funny)