There has always been a double standard when it comes to men/women and sex. We can deny it all we want but it’s there and it’s not going anywhere. Oh come on, you know what double standard I’m talking about. You know, the one where the man sleeps with a million women and he’s a pimp and the woman sleeps with 30 men and she’s a slut. What is that about? The more women and man has under his belt (literally) the more heroic he seems to become but if a woman sleeps with the same amount she’s labeled a whore. There’s no reason to even try to go against the double standard because there’s no use. The only thing you can do is take it for what it is and just go with it.
There’s nothing wrong with having some good, passionate, ‘yeehaw’ sex. There is nothing wrong with being in touch with your sexuality. There certainly isn’t anything wrong with wanting to bump nasties. But ( I know, I hate the “buts”) it must be the right time, the right place and with the right person. Oh no, I’m not preaching..I’m just telling it like it is. So, is it okay to have sex on the first date? Oh, hell pecker no. If any man tells you that it’s okay he’s either a) lying or b) lying. If I were a man I wouldn’t want women knowing that “first date sex” isn’t cool, hey..I might miss out on some potential booty.
Men hold women to stricter sexual standards than they do themselves. You know, every one wants to sleep with “Francis The Freak” but no one wants to marry her. When a man falls for someone, he would like to think there was no penis before him. . Men get freaked out by the thought of his woman being with another penis. Hell, I get freaked out when I think about my mate and another vagina. Ew, double ew! I just continue to tell myself that I’m the only vagina he’s ever seen..I mean..errr, I’m a virgin.
I don’t care how much you have in common. I’m not really concerned with how great the two of you get along. I don’t care if he had you at hello. I don’t care if your vagina is spitting venom (ew)…Do Not Sleep With Him. You can not sleep with someone on the first night and expect for them to see you as marriage material call you back. Oh they might call you back but trust me, it’s probably going to be late at night. See “The Booty Call” post!
If you sleep with a man on the first date or too soon, he’s going to wonder how many other people you slept with on the first date. I mean, it’s an honest observation. Really, how many other people have you slept with on the first date? What makes him think that he was the ’special one’ to get it so soon? Oh, you know what the popular line is? “Um, I just want you to know that I don’t do this all the time” or “I don’t want you to think I’m a whore”. Most men chuckle when they hear this. Sorry chic, but he does think you do it all the time and he does think you are a whore. Do you know how many times guys here these lines? No man believes this line. You’d be better off saying, “Yes, I do this all the time and I am a whore and damn proud!”.
It’s a test, ladies. Women sleep with men because they hope for emotional attachment down the road. Men sleep with women because well, they are horny. Can you blame them? Yes, they do it because they are horny but they also do it to see if you are going to give it up. This is how a man can filter the good girls from the bad. If you give it up to soon, you’ll be tossed aside with all the other fallen angels. If you wait until there actually is some sort of relationship or emotional attachment, you’ll probably get your halo. We’re not just talking about full blown sex either, oral sex goes the same way. Men are always amazed at the women who will put some random penis in her mouth. Hello, you don’t know what he’s been stirring his penis in. Why don’t you get to know him before you blow him. Tip: If you blow to soon, he will blow you off.
When it comes to sex, most women probably think that men are not idealistic or conservative but they actually are. They might be a little bit more conservative than we are, well…when it comes to choosing a wife. While men won’t mind and probably will enjoy you giving it up on the first date, they will be keeping their eyes open for something better. A man will always have his eye out for that special woman he can love and trust. I know, it doesn’t seem fair? Why do they get to have all the donkey sex and we are suppose to act like prudes with our legs shackled shut?
With that being said, No..you should never have sex on a first date. Why would you want to have sex on the first date? You barely know the dude or his winky tinky. While sex is fun, it’s even more fun when there is some sort of emotional attachment going on. Having sex with someone early on can push the relationship to be nothing but sex. Now, you don’t want that to happen now do you? Take time to get to know one another and see if you are a match. You might realize that he’s not all that and having sex with him would have just been a wasted number. Oh snap.
03/23/09 Sex 26 Comments
I say YES!! Bare that booty!! Show that winky tinky!! Do it loud and proud!!
In all seriousness though this is a difficult one for me to comment on and I’m not quite sure why. Is it because of what society thinks or is it because my own personal feelings on the subject tend to go against what society thinks?
It’s my opinion that two consenting adults can do whatever they want so long as no laws are being broken. To hell with what society thinks. It’s none of their business anyway and if society wants to make it their business and call somebody a slut or a whore, let em. If somebody has to stoop so low as to call somebody a name like that (unless it’s a pet name. Yes, they can be pet names) with the intention to demean the person that person is just jealous because they didn’t get any and to go look in the mirror to try to figure out why they didn’t get any.
I do realize that women in general need, want, or desire the emotional aspect of sex but does it always have to be that way? I also know that it can be difficult for women (in general) to understand the concept of having sex without being “in love”. Men are hard wired to procreate with as many women as possible. It’s instinct for us. With that being said, is it an excuse for men to cheat? Of course not! I’m just trying to explain to the best of my ability why men think with their “other head”.
On to another one of your points. Not all men will think less of you if you choose to “bump nasties” on the first date. I honestly don’t have a lot of experience with dating. I was married at 19, separated 10 years later, and bounced between a few women from the time I was separated until the time I met the woman I’m currently in a relationship with. Speaking of my current relationship, we had sex the first day we met and we’ve been together 2 years.
I guess what I’m trying to say in all of my ramblings is … use your own judgement. If you want to have sex on the first date go for it. You have no reason to feel bad the day after if you do.
Drew
Man, I really should start my own blog just so I can comment on yours.
Drew Shake that winky tinky! I think you are right when it comes to societies views. I think the term ‘whore & slut” lose it’s touch as you get older. You don’t see too many grown women calling each other sluts and whores. Usually, and most always, if a woman calls another woman a slut- it’s due to jealousy. My favorite one, “You’re a fat slut”. Oh snap! While most women only have sex for the emotional attachment, some of us (as in me) like to have sex just to ride the donkey. I think you really have to be confident enough in yourself and your sexuality. If there are two consenting adults that want to bump nasties, then they should be able to do it BUT if it’s after a first date…no matter how hard he doesn’t want to…the man will wonder how many nasties she has bumped. I really would like to think that this isn’t as big of an issue the older we get. Of course if you are in your early twenties bumping it on the first date, you’ll easily get labeled as a hootchie-mamma. With that being said, let’s have a toast…”here’s to your winky tinky!”
To me, I think your right on the money Queen. I’m a guy, and I know plenty of Men that would definitely question a woman’s self respect, or lack of it; if she even leads on that she would have any sexual contact any where near the first date. That’s why they call it being “easy” for a reason; Its either true, or isn’t. I agree, it makes no sense that society seems to ignore the man-whore issue, as if it doesn’t exist. But I know plenty of women who are appalled at the notion of dating such men. I actually think that it is just a lie that Hollywood has tried to put off on us, I don’t believe many women want a man-whore. Unless they have such a shameful past, that they think, they can’t get any better. People do a lot of things out of fear.
I understand the whole thing about not wanting to think about someone’s past. I’ve been down the road before of wanting only a virgin myself. Its not that my standards have lowered, I just really am not bothered with it anymore. If a girl has slept with one person, or if she was a prostitute, makes no difference to me. What matters to me is, if I see evidence of a changed heart. As long as she can see the damage that results from a lifestyle of casual, meaningless sex, and doesn’t want any part of it anymore. And you can tell if she’s changed, if she has come to her senses; by how coarse, or crude or insensitive, even boastful she is about the subject. Personally, I would want to see humility, openness, honesty, and brokenness about the mistakes of the past. Not that she would have to live in condemnation or regret for the rest of her life, or hate herself for it. God forbid! But I would need to know if she can indeed be trusted. So it’s definitely not in a woman’s best interest to have sex outside of a serious and committed relationship, if she intends on winning his heart.
I found your article on twitter! I loved it! Had me laughing the whole time! Thanks! Very entertaining!
-Nigel
I used to feel “evolved” for sleeping with men early in (or out of) a relationship. Now, I won’t even think of sleeping with a man before I feel a pretty intense emotional connection (and not the kind that develops after a lot of alcohol has been consumed). It’s getting much harder for me to trust men, and that means that future BFs will have to wait even longer… but I’m worth the wait. And the sex is 200% better when there is a deep emotional connection and trust. So much better, in fact, that once I experienced sex AFTER love, I never looked back. Why bother. Anonymous /first date sex can be thrilling, but it isn’t AMAZING. And I deserve amazing.
C- I totally agree, you and I are both worth the wait! Snap! And you’re right about the sex being better if there is a deeper connection.
I think the perspective changes as we get older. I think it is always better to wait. NEVER on a first date if you want a second! It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with having sex, but 90% of the time, it will backfire. It makes things more complicated than it needs to be and it is never good for your emotional or mental health. I am with Joel and ‘C’, it is better when you wait and men will respect you more.
Just like Melissa, I think there are some rare cases where the man is MAN enough to realize we are to grown adults that want some nooky, but most of the time it does backfire. I think it’s better to form some sort of emotional attachment. When you have sex first, you kind of do things backwards. You bump nasties and then you get to know one another.
I think there is no hard and fast rule to this. Do what feels right!
I slept with my “now” husband the first night I met him. And I told him not to bother to call me again, since ya know, it was a one-night stand. We’ve been together 13 years…obviously he called again
Melissa, Shazam! You go girl. haha I’m laughing about you telling him not to call you again. 13 years, uh? Who-da-thunk?!
I’m kind of jealous right about now!
Okay are you ready for this? Can you keep a secret? Are you sure? Okay…here goes. I did the wild thang with my hubby on the first date. Does it sound less slutty if I told you that we talked for a couple months before we had our first date? No? Okay, can’t blame a girl for trying. If that makes me a slut or whore, then he must be into sluts and whores. LOL!! But I know what you’re saying, normally speaking you want a semblence of self control and to leave SOMETHING to the imagination. I mean Hells bells, who’d a thunk he’d buy the cow when he got the milk on the first damn date!! Okay now all of your readers are going to see this and think “whatta slut!!” To that I say, I’m happily married to my pimp daddy since 2004. Great post, you know I luv ya!
That must have been some good milk Liz *wink*.
I enjoyed your comment. You made some great points. At this age now, i realize that it depends more on the woman. I know quite a few self assertive women who don’t mind being intimate on the first date and don’t care what impression thinks because this is what SHE wants. Do I think you should? In my younger days, I would say sure! Now, the fun is in the wait and the anticipation.
Society views mostly just drive me up the wall. I do agree on the fact that a man will probably not think much of you if you sleep with him on the first date. I have met men who tell me that is what their momma taught them. Thus said, I also believe that society programmed everyone so that we are always looking for relationships and someone to be there for us. We are not looking for true love, and that one person that is ment for you. I believe that when you meet THE ONE it will not matter when you sleep with them or how many wrong steps you take he will still fall in love with you just for the simple fact that he can’t stay away.
I realize that I’ve been out of the dating game for a long time (like, since the early 80s), but have things really changed all that much?
Obviously, we’re talking about relationship sex, because if it’s just for the sex, there’s no argument here. No relationship. Nothing to screw up.
Whatever happened to dating an honest guy, discussing it openly, and making the decision work for you?
Wow. I’m not really as old-fashioned as that sounded.
I just really don’t think that sex on the first date screws everything up.
Or maybe I’ve been deluding myself for 25 years?
Isn’t sex on the first date a one night stand? I shouldn’t admit this, but I had one of those turn into a boyfriend. Of course, then it’s hard to get him to take you out on dates after that!
I think it really has to depend on what your long-term goals are. Are you in it for a relationship? Are you looking for a husband? Well, then sex on the first date probably isn’t such a great idea. First time sex can be so awkward, no matter how many other people you’ve been screwing! If you want to have a long-term relationship with someone, you kind of need to know them well enough to be able to really laugh with them before having sex.
But if you’re not looking for a long-term relationship? If you just want to get laid without the complications (like me!!!) then I say go for it. But you really have to be able to separate screwing from loving. Not a lot of women can do that. I can
sex is just sex, and I know this from experience. I’ve had friends who just wanted a one-night stand, and ended up falling really hard for the guy. And it never ended well, because he was just in it for a one-night stand as well. Of course, with my view of sex and ability to detach sex from emotions, I’ve had it the other way around. I’ve had guys who were supposed to be one-night stands turn around and fall for me. So no matter which side you are on, you need to go into any sexual encounter fully aware of your own motives, and aware of the motives of the other.
And for god’s sake, don’t go around screwing people who just got out of relationships… Because male or female, they aren’t looking for a one-night stand… they’re looking for a replacement partner.
I love the perspective here and understand the male side of this. That being said, I have to say that I wish to know on what date is it ok to have sex?
Also, is this mindset the same for all men? In my opinion, no. I think part of the problem has to do with feelings. If two people want a lifetime partner and have sex on the first date, they may have a lifetime partner in each other. On the other hand, they can wait until marriage, or there about, to have sex and still be part of the “over 50%” divorce rate.
Stereotypes are true many times, but can also destroy possibilities.
Although I agree that double standards are there (and very unfair), I don’t accept that there’s nothing we can do about them and just accept them. I don’t agree with double standards and it’s up to me, as an individual, to change them. We all have the choice I think.
Great article and it brings a lot of very good points to light. I appreciated reading it!
Cheers!
Love this post! Do I agree with it? Who knows! When you’re a dog, you don’t go on dates. BUT (yes, I know you hate “buts”) is it really anyone elses business who sleeps with who? If she wants to put out, tell her to go ahead. If he has game enough to get her to put out, was it really him or her? Hmmmm, questions!
I think there’s no hard rule to follow by. Waiting past the first date for sex usually enhances the connection…. for relationship.
But at the same time, if you 2 have something good and special…and it feels right. Why would you wait and create your own barriers to what is natural?
David- I think you’re right to a degree, “If it feels good do it”. But, most men can’t sleep with a girl on the first night and not wonder who else she’s been with.
I believe in living in the moment and if a man and woman connect with chemistry and communication on the first date and end up in bed, so be it. YES, the man wonders if the woman ever did “it” on the first date before, but in a kinky sort of way, that’s a turn-ON if she did….as long as she seems like a discretionary sort of gal.
Some of my best and longest relationships were with ladies who “loved” me on the first date. It was a womderful experience knowing we hit it off so well so soon. We got the questions about whether we were intimately compatible out of the way quickly.
Men don’t like the date number rule – in other words, ladies who make you wait until the 3rd or 4th date before they give it up. A couple can spend weeks getting to know each other, but if the sex isn’t good, there’s no future.
So, I’ve always tried to be very non-judgemental toward ladies who were willing to be intimate with me on the first or second date. Even if a lady had had a number of previous sexual relationships – unless she seemed “loose” – I always figured she was like me, she just hadn’t met the right person yet.
It took a lifetime, but I think I finally have found my match……and we did “it” on the first date too….although she says I’m the first one who she did that with. Well, even if she’s fibbing, doesn’t make any difference to me.
Willy- I like the way you think, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Can I borrow it?
Another aces blog from the Queen! Kudos!
Kyle- You’re too kind, too kind!
I think it’s based on what the two people want out of it, and the connection and comp-ability they have. I had sex on the first date, i barely knew the person, but till this day we’re still together, and pretty much in love and pretty much very serious. I think It really depends on the person themselves. In my head, I kept think, “Oh, wow. I’ve never done this before”. Sometimes you gotta go for it, let there be chemistry. Maybe it also depends on how the date went.