*sigh* Intimacy. Intimacy is both the ability and the choice to be close, loving, and vulnerable, and typically requires well developed emotional awareness to sustain for any length of time. Did you get that part, Willis? It said the choice to be CLOSE, LOVING, and VULNERABLE. Honestly, the word “vulnerable” scares the hoo ha out of me. Who in the hell wants to be vulnerable? I sure as hell don’t.
Growing up, I was in and out of relationships…well, more “in” than “out”. I honestly can say I spent most of my life with “boyfriends”. There was not a single relationship built on complete trust. This is only because I went into every single relationship with a great amount of fear. First of all, I feared being alone and this is why I was in numerous relationships to begin with. Second of all, I feared rejection. I feared being abandoned. I feared being cheated on. I feared love. All of these factors contributed to my fear of intimacy.
I think it’s very important to understand that “intimacy” and “sex” are two totally different things. I can have sex with a man and not be intimate, in my opinion. You can have sex with every Tom, Dick, or Harry but real intimacy is something that comes with time. It’s not just having heated sex, someone screaming your name and slapping your ass. It’s more than that, it’s more than this.
I would have to say that most of my relationships were based on sex and sex alone. There was no common ground. Most of the time the person was 100% wrong for me but that goes back to the fear I had of being alone. Loneliness will make you do outlandish things. My sexuality and soul were not attached. Why would I want to connect the two and risk being rejected or abandoned? Why would I want to put my soul into someone I knew I couldn’t trust?
Today is a new day. The past is nothing but a faded memory and all the fears have fallen elsewhere. I’m no longer afraid of combining my sexuality and soul. I am no longer afraid of being vulnerable. I have come to the conclusion that life is full of risks. You know, sometimes if you don’t take the chance you might miss out on something beautiful. Now, I crave intimacy.
I crave for that special someone, two souls intertwined. Two souls that are connected. The closeness, man I crave the closeness. I need it, I need this. I need someone to be on the same page as me. Someone who is willing to give up their fears and allow themselves to be vulnerable. The wounds of the past have healed and I’m ready for the one thing I use to fear most, intimacy.
Do you fear intimacy? Here are a few things that might help you figure out if you are fearful or not:
1. Lack of affection with loved ones ( I was never affectionate in any of my past relationships, I hated it, especially cuddling)
2. Critical of yourself or others (I wanted to place the blame on other people for relationship problems when it was really my fault)
3. Feeling angered or discomfort when someone tries to voice their opinions/ thoughts (Hello, me!)
4. Withdrawing when others talk about their talks and feelings (I was lucky, no one wanted to ever talk about their feelings)
5. Trying to protect yourself (Me, again. I had the biggest guard up known to man)
So, can you relate to any of these? The good thing about have the fear of intimacy is it doesn’t have to be permanent. As always, the first step is acknowledging it. You can’t change some you don’t recognize. Maybe you should dig a little deeper and try to figure out what is causing your intimacy fears. You know, you’re not alone in having fears dealing with rejection and abandonment. I think most everyone has been burned once or twice before. I know it’s hard but you can’t allow the past to interfere with your future. You deserve to be happy and you can’t be happy until you let go of your fears and be vulnerable.
Here are a few things you can do to work on your intimacy fears:
1. Realize that you are putting your guard up and know how unhealthy this is for a relationship.
2. Be honest with your partner. Let them know that you do not feel comfortable opening up and begin to work on this together.
3. Start to notice when you are closing yourself off. Remind yourself that you need to be open and that you need to communicate.
4. Getting your fears out in the open will help tremendously.
5. It’s all about baby steps. Don’t try to jump in head first, take it one step at a time.
6. Don’t be ashamed to seek the help of a therapist.
In closing, intimacy can sometimes be a scary thing but it doesn’t have to be. Remember to first identify the problem and then take action. The sooner you start working on your fear of intimacy the closer you will be to finally having that deep connection, that closeness with the person you love.
P.S.- Comments Are Appreciated!
