The Queen of Relationships

You know what’s funny to me? I can’t count how many times married couples have told me, “Do NOT get married!”. While the married people are bitching about being married, the single people are bitching about being single. Each of them think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I think that single people want to get married because they feel as if they are missing out on something, and married people want to be single because they know they are missing out on something. Crazy, eh?

You know those girls that have their wedding all planned out, the ones that want to be married by a certain age? Not me. After seeing my lovely parents rip each other new assholes day in and day out, I decided to pass on the whole marriage thing. Sorry folks, it just didn’t seem to be something I was missing out on. After growing up a little (just a little)I decided that I MIGHT (huge might) get married but only after I finish school and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I was smart in thinking that because we all know most of us never really decide what we want to do with ourselves. Geez, marriage is just so…forever. I always said I would get married when I was fifty because that was less time I had to spend with the bastard. Am I wrong for that?

Okay, look, I’m really not a bah humbugger like you think I am. Marriage can be a good thing, if it’s with the right person. I just don’t understand why so many women want to rush to the alter. They hurry up to the alter, hurry up and have kids and ….then what? Most (not all) girls that get married young end up miserable years later and end up trying to relive their youth because they missed out on it. What am I trying to say here? Embrace being single. It’s not so bad. Being single isn’t forever, marriage is. Okay, well some aren’t…well, a lot of them aren’t…hell most of them aren’t but dammit, when I get married it’s ’til death do him part’.

I think most of us single people tend to look at the negative side of being single. You know, every time you go out to the grocery store..you see the young couples holding hands with the shiny wedding rings on…they make you want to puke. Why? Jealously..just a little. Instead of focusing on how lonely you are, how every night you sit at home and eat ice cream, or how you always go to the movies alone, or how you have to make out with your pillow cuz no one will kiss you, vacations by yourself, dinner for one, ….oh, well you get the point…why don’t you think of reasons why married peeps should be jealous of you? It’s called a half full glass, ever heard of it? Yes, embrace being single because it’s not going to be this way forever, unless you are a total loser with a farting problem.

Reasons Why Married People Should Be Jealous 

1) Living Alone: We have all the privacy we can stand. We can do whatever we want to our house, paint the walls pink and blare New Kids On The Block as much as we want. We can sleep on the couch naked with no questions asked. We can keep the house as messy or as clean as we want. We can watch all the stupid soap operas and reality TV without having to share the remote. There’s no need for TiVo in the single world, well, unless you work when Oprah’s on. You can finally walk around the house and wear those nipple tassels you love. You can burp, fart, pick your nose, hock up your lungs and smoke crack if you want to. You don’t have to hide your vibrator or tampons. The toilet seat is always down so you never fall in. Nobody’s home so enjoy it. Ahhh, peace and quite.

2)Time: When you’re single, time is on your side. You have all the time in the world. We can do whatever we want when we want. We don’t have to tell Bob we’re meeting Betsy for dinner. We can go and come as we please without having to answer to anyone. We don’t have to explain where we’ve been or who we’ve been with. We can make last minute plans, go out for coffee at odd hours, spend days at the bookstore, hell…sometimes we don’t have to even come home. Yes, it’s the single life…all the time in the world. tick tock.

3)Finances: All your money is yours. Every single penny that you have to your name is yours. You don’t have to share it with Bob. You can buy whatever you want, shop as much as you want, save or invest as much as you want. It’s all yours, baby. You don’t have to explain to Bob why you need that cute pair of Jimmy Choo shoes, or why you totally needed that Coach bag. You are not financially obligated to anyone but yourself. No more hiding receipts. It’s your  money and you’ll spend if you want to.

4)Friends: Let’s face it, friends sometimes get pushed to the side once someone is in a relationship. Hey, it happens…but not when you are single. Friends play an important role in the single world. You can hang out with your friends as much as you want without any questions. You can go on trips, go shopping, gossip, talk on the phone, it’s whatever. Of course, it’s your single friends that will be the most fun because they have the same benefits that you do. Example: No curfew.

5)Dating: The sky is the limit when you are single…and dating. You can date,  kiss, screw whoever you want. You aren’t tied down to one person and you are free to roam the earth, scouting out whomever you please. You can flirt as much as you want with whoever. You have all the time in the world to find the right person. You have time to date around, get to know different people. Being single gives you enough time to play the dating field and increase your odds of beating the divorce statistics.

6)Focus: Since you have all the time in the world, and since the sky is the limit, you can take all of that time and focus on your career. I mean, hell, you might as well be productive while you’re single. You have the time to get shit done with yourself and your life. You can work late nights, long hours and weekends without having to bother Bob. You don’t have to worry about a demanding relationship with your demanding career.

7)Compromising: We all know that every healthy relationship comes with a heavy dose of compromise. There is no compromising when you are single, well..at least not in a relationship. You don’t have to find that middle ground during an argument. It’s just you and yourself. There’s no fights to worry about, no partner, no compromising.

8)In-Laws: Yes, when you’re married, not only are you married to your mate but also to their family. In-Laws are not popular for being the coolest people on earth. Why bother with the MIL hating you because you took her son away? You don’t have to worry about family reunions or gatherings.You don’t have to stress over the advice they force feed you.  Yes, in the single world, it’s an “In-Law Free” zone.

9)Pain: If you are in a relationship or married, someone is bound to get their feelings hurt or their heart broken. When you’re single, you don’t have to worry about your mate cheating on you, lying to you, hurting your feelings or secretly wearing your panties. You don’t have to worry about huge fights. The only thing great about a huge fight in a relationship is the make up sex and you can go make up and out with whoever the hell you want.

10)Discover: The #1 reason you should be excited to be single is self-discovery. Yes, I know, pretty cheesy but oh so true. Don’t think of this time as a lonely period in your life, think of it as much needed time to yourself. It’s time to figure out what YOU want out of life, who YOU are, and where YOU want to go, and eventually who YOU want to come along with you.

Okay, so maybe some of my reasons were a bit shallow but dammit, if it makes us single people feel better then so be it. Yes, it’s cool to be married but it’s also double cool to be single. Yes, I said double cool. People need to realize that no matter what side of the fence they are on, there is happiness and blessings for both. Did I just say that? I could puke right about now. Whether you are married or single, well shit, just embrace your life dammit.

If you don’t comment, my single ass will eat you! Be afraid, be very afraid!