Not only am I the “Queen” of relationships, I am also the “Queen” of making dumb mistakes in relationships. Yes, I admit it. I know most of you assumed that I was perfect but *sigh*, I’m not. The only thing that’s perfect about me is my toe nail polish. It’s pink, just in case you were wondering. Okay, back to the dumb mistakes I made. It’s all about learning and growing, right? All my relationships have been loaded with mistakes on both sides. I’ve learned so much in each relationship and learned from every single mistake I’ve made. It’s okay to make mistakes, you just need to make sure that you learn from them. Remember, if you try to do something more than seven times expecting a different outcome, you might want to check out the definition of ‘legally insane’.
Eeck! I have been in a relationship before where the person I was with was not intimate. Ouch. That’s gonna leave a mark. Just so you know, I don’t think it’s possible to have intimacy with someone after you first meet them. This is usually lust and infatuation. It takes time to build real intimacy. I think that intimacy is more emotional than anything. Wow, I should probably take my own advice on this one right? There is nothing healthy about forcing intimacy on someone. Man, talk about pressure. Again, I am eating my own words as we speak, okay?
While it is possible to form a relationship on forced intimacy, it seldom becomes a healthy relationship. Your partner should never become pressured or pushed. If you are forcing intimacy maybe you should take a look within yourself and do a self-check. Yes, I am doing a self-check as we speak. Forced intimacy feels somewhat unnatural and really uncomfortable. It’s like having a wedgie. Okay, probably not the best example but you get my drift. If you continue to force intimacy on someone, you will not get the response that you want. He/She will withdraw and you will only start to fight harder for the intimacy that you are craving.
You might want to think about why you are forcing intimacy, I know I am. You might have a need for love and approval that you didn’t get as a child. Most women force intimacy with men because they are seeking the love and approval they didn’t get from their father. Yes, I know, it’s always about the inner child. Bear with me, please. Did you know that most of the people that push intimacy are the main ones that fear it? Strange, eh?
I am about to quote Dr. Phil, you might want to put your ear muffs on. “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge“. First, you need to recognize that you are forcing intimacy. The key is learning how to recognize it and learning how to stop the pattern. If you are in a new relationship, don’t have sex too soon. You need to invest in the relationship slowly and gradually.*Free Tip- Never sleep with someone that you wouldn’t see yourself marrying* Do not have sex with someone until they are emotionally invested in you. People force intimacy because they are not getting their needs met in other relationships and in other aspects of their lives.
If you are seeking an intimate relationship, think about these tips first :
1. Do not give more energy, time, love or commitment that you receive.
2. Do not make the relationship to easy for the other person. Do not let them think that you value them more than yourself.
3. Remember, you teach people how to treat you. Start the relationship by encouraging the treatment you want.
4. Do NOT have sex too soon. I know you’re horny but try to hold off. Just dry jump the couch.
5. Voice your thoughts and let them know what you want from the relationship and what will happen if you do not get it.
6. Do not give him the power to make you feel great about yourself. When you do this, you give the power to also feel bad.
7. Do not hide your strengths or accomplishments.
8. Let them know that you want them to be open/honest. If you see they are not, stop revealing yourself.
There will always be a point in your relationship where you might need to step back and re-evaluate things. Sometimes you might have to monitor your behavior and possibly bull back to rebalance things between the two of you. Always remember that if you start to force intimacy on someone, they will have no choice but to pull away. It’s just a natural reaction. Instead of forcing intimacy and doing all of the chasing, why don’t you turn the tables and have them chase you?
P.S.- Comments Are Appreciated!
02/14/09 Relationship Mistakes 3 Comments
With age comes wisdom..lol
Any advice on getting a partner back after they’ve fled because of forced intimacy?
Fear of intimacy is so strange, basically because in the beginning of a relationship we are humping like monkeys but once we realize that we must combine love and sex (which puts all of our eggs in one basket) most of us tuck our tails and shy away from the situation. Also, the fear of intimacy alone is a bitch but then when you feel some sort of pressure about it- it intensifies it even more and sometimes it’s not exactly about the person pressuring us, it’s more to do with the fact that we don’t want to deal with it, question it, acknowledge it or breath life into it. I’ve been on both sides of the bed on this one. I’ve been in a long term relationship that started out like humpy monkies and when things calmed down, I didn’t want sex. I actually thought that I wasn’t attracted to them anymore but I think I was mentally putting up blocks to avoid the pain and ignore the problem. The more I denied the sex, the more heated it got, the more aggravated the other person began to get…which made me even more aggravated. “What, all you want to do is screw, is that all you think about?”. This was my way of flipping it onto the other person to point the finger in their direction, instead of mine. During all of this, I was almost unaware of my own issues but knew something must be off…either with me or him. Now, flipping to the other side, being denied sex from someone you love is a terrible feeling. It does extreme damage to your psyche, your security and sometimes chips away at your entire being. Yes, it might seem a little much and some will say “you shouldn’t allow a person to define who you are”, well…tell me this after you have been involved in this sort of situation with someone you love. I remember a week would pass, two weeks would pass- I would be dying on the inside but not wanting to say anything. I mean really, who has to ask for sex? How embarrassing. I would go as long as I could without mentioning it because I knew when I did, I would only be pressuring him which would make things worse. It was somewhat of a ‘lose-lose’, in my case. If I waited and tried to avoid pressuring then I would wait to the point where I would emotionally explode and demand reasons and answers. Eventually, mistrust began to creep into the equation because as far as I was concerned…if he wasn’t doing me, he was doing someone. It wasn’t that he didn’t want sex right? He just didn’t want it with me because of the combination of love and sex which would create the intimacy factor that he couldn’t handle. Anyone that have battled the denial of sex, people need to know that the worst thing that they can do is go inward with it. You will rot alone if you do. Find good friends to discuss this with or someone who has been through the same issue, be weary of half-ass friends that find it amusing to throw it up in your face every chance they get. Here’s the thing: sex is a two person thing, that stupid phrase “it takes two to tango”, well…if you are in love with someone that has an intimacy problem, it’s going to take the two of you working towards some balance. If the other half is in denial and/or doesn’t want to face what’s really going on, the real question is…how long can you go on living a life like this? How much of your life do you want to sacrifice waiting for someone to ’see the light’? Toward the end, it’s almost as if you are wanting approval from the other half, as if them having sex with you confirms that you are a good person and that you are accepted. It would be much easier if we could all understand that the ‘fear of intimacy’ was there way before we came along, in regards to your other half. You didn’t cause the fear nor can you eliminate it, but you can easily add fire to it and watch it grow…which is what I did mostly. So, my question to you is- If you want your partner back, you are going to have to prove in some sort of way that you are not going to push the envelope when it comes to being sexual. With that being said, not pushing the envelope might mean you having to sacrifice that part of your life/soul that allows you to show another how much you love and care for them. Some of us go emotionally dead when we sacrifice this part. What’s more important at this stage in your life? I’m sure the other half is just taking a breather because they know that being away means no pressured sex but when and if they come back, if the ground work hasn’t been laid…this will become a vicious cycle that is never ending and the pain will grow to be unbearable on both sides.