The Queen of Relationships

Now, I am not one to judge on whether you or ugly or not. Personally, I don’t care what you look like because we are all God’s creatures, right? Yes, I said “creature”- many times, men cheat with just that “a creature”. Let me start over- if you have been boinking, sexting, sending dirty pictures of your roast beef sandwich, dirty e-mails to MY man (not yours), I feel as if I have the right to chew you up and spit you out (judge you). Of course, some women have no idea that a man is in a relationship but 9 times out of 10, the ugly knows the story and just wants her page in the book. Ahhh, a good portion of my life, I have been in relationships involving cheaters and I will not count (because I don’t have enough fingers) how many times I have been cheated on with the uglies.

One would think that if you were going to get cheated on, it would be an obvious ‘upgrade’ to first class, but not so much. Remember the first time you found out there was another woman. You started to imagine what she looked like; long black flowing hair, crystal blue eyes, olive skin tone, a figure to die for and boobs purky enough to bounce a quarter off of. It’s natural for immediate jealousy to set it. “Geez, I totally get why he wanted to be with her, she’s beautiful…f*cking slut”. Then, the day comes…it was one of those days where boredom took over your soul and forced you to start thumbing through Facebook and…what? what’s that? O-M-G, for real? That’s HER? He cheated on me with HER? This is a joke. Are you meaning to tell me I have been duped over a hairy troll? I mean, look at her, she’s practically stepping on her own titties. It looks as if her nose is about to eat her face, “Nice to beak you, I mean meet you”. Can you say MOLE? Mole-e-mole-e-mole-e. Oh shit, is that a hair coming OUT of the mole. Double shit and triple mole. I’m puking now.

If her face looks this bad, me only imagines what her vagina hoo haa looks like. Oh, hello Mr. Roast Beef…mmm, I’m thinking Arby’s.Don’t worry, there’s enough roast for everyone! Read the rest of this entry »

I know what you are thinking, “Duh, we all know Madonna is a whore”. *cough* I’m not really talking about “THAT” Madonna. No sir, the Madonna I am talking about doesn’t vogue nor does she live in a material world. Through the years, you’ve probably heard all the stories about men trying to bone their partner, getting the popular, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache”. Society has conditioned our minds to believe that all men want sex and women just do it to shut them up. I’m sure there are a few truths to this. Yes, I admit it, I have had sex just to shut someone up. It didn’t work. The more they get the more they want, right? Can you blame them? Needless to say, this isn’t the direction I wanted to go in, excuse me while I do a 180. *superhuman zip zap doodle 180*

Ever heard of women that can’t get sex? Well, I mean, I am sure there’s always someone that’ll do them but I am talking about women not getting sex from their man. GASP! Oh yes Jeana, it happens and it happens a lot. This topic was spawned through deep thinking, chanting and looking back on my own personal situations. Yes, I have personal situations. Wanna hear about them? Pull up a chair. Let me first say, I was hesitant to even write about this because it’s somewhat personal but since most of my readers are out in cyber sexspace, I convinced myself that it was okay. The way I see it is, if all my bitching and moaning helps just one person- my work is done here and I will get my crown in heaven…or whatever is after the after. Hot Dog, anyone?

Let me first start off by saying, deep down- I know I ain’t ugly. I don’t think I’ve gotten hit with the ugly stick. Now, I’m not saying this to come across as conceited because if you knew what kind of shape I was in (regarding this situation) you would notice that conceited is the wrong term, more like beaten down and oppressed. Damn, that seemed kind of sad when I typed that. (I would like to invite every one to my pity party tomorrow at 4:00.) Read the rest of this entry »

Yes, all you old timers are probably *gasping* at this, but hey it’s 2009. My dad craps a pickle every time I tell him “I met him online”. In order to prevent cardiac arrest, I have come up with a new way to drop the news.

Dad says, “Where did you meet this gentleman?”
I SAY

“I pulled his name off of the sex offender list; just kidding…I met him online.”
“I ran into him at the strip club…haha, I just met him online.”
“It said, “For A Good Time Call XXXX”, so I did; oh, I really met him online”
“I bumped into him at a gay night club, oh Dad, I just met him online”
“I met him at a marriage retreat; Okay, I met him online..and his wife!”
“I met him on a herpes dating site, well..kind of..minus the herpes”

So, you see? I try to soften the blow by making it sound off the wall and then when he hears I met them online, there is a small sigh of relief…not a big one, but a sigh none the least. What is so wrong about meeting people online? Why are people so snoodish (no, that’s not a word) when you tell them you met your SO online? Why are us online daters somewhat embarrassed to say, “I met him through the online personals”.

Dad- the way I see it is, I could either be at a bar picking up on drunk, toothless men or I could be in the comfort of my own home, scanning profiles, looking at pictures and picking out the man of my dreams. Why must I wait until I bump into him at some stupid coffee shop? What are the chances of me running into him at my best friends wedding? Duh, my best friend got married five years ago and he wasn’t there. Yes, I know what you say…”If you go looking for something, you will find it”. Great, that’s just the mind set I need. So, what you are saying is I’m going to go look for prince charming and then I will find him. That’s perfect. Let me guess, that’s not what you meant? I love you Dad, but you got to get with the program.

People that shy away from online dating, it’s really due to a lack of knowledge. “But there are a lot of crazy people out there”. Oh really? You know what? You’re right. I run into crazy people every day and I don’t think I”ve seen their face on www.match.com. What are you scared of? How is it different than meeting someone for lunch that you met at a bar? How is it different than meeting someone for coffee, someone that your co-worker set you up with? Mmm? It must be fear of the unknown and not have a personal relationship with your computer. People that do not know there way around the Internet or their computer tend to think that online dating is dangerous, scary, corny and for losers. Honestly, the ones that turn their nose up at it are the ones that are losing out.

Dating online has some serious perks. First of all, you don’t have to shit your pants trying to figure out how you are going to approach someone. It’s just with the click of a button. Blind dates are a thing of the past because now you can check out some one’s profile. Some one’s profile can basically tell you everything from their favorite color, to the job, to how much money they make, their beliefs, their likes/dislikes, what they like to do for fun, etc. Honestly, who wants to sit through a dinner date trying to learn all of these questions only to find out that they are all wrong for you. You can bypass all the bullshit and get straight to the juice.If you are worried about meeting someone that’s koo koo, then you must live under a little rock in Egypt. You’re chances of meeting someone koo koo are probably just the same as meeting someone in “reality”, “reality”- isn’t that what you call it?

Honestly, after dating online I’ve become extremely close to finding my “Ideal” man, comparing it to the men I’ve dated before the computer- it’s been way more promising. Now granted, I’ve met a few koo koo’s but I take caution like I would with any serial killer dater. I’m not trying to totally sway your opinion, I’m just throwing mine out there. You can’t really judge online dating unless you’ve done it before. It doesn’t work for everyone but it might just work for you. I’ve got a handful of online dating stories that are funny, dramatic, traumatic, blissful, weird, magical, etc. I’d love for you to share any online dating tips or stories.

ONLINE DATING DOCUMENTARY PEOPLE!

There is a documentary in the making about people who date online. There is a tv series in the works and they are looking for people who have all sorts of stories when it comes to online dating. Of course, you know I’ve already submitted mine because I can’ t keep my damn  mouth shut. So, please bounce over to their website and spill your guts about all your online adventures. Their website is www.meeting-stories.org. Tell’em the Queen sent you.

AWESOME ONLINE DATING BOOKS PEOPLE!

Also, I just read a great book by Cherie Burbach (cool name) about online dating. If you are hesitant about dating online, feel clueless, don’t know where to start: This book is for you. It’s called “Internet Dating is not Like Ordering A Pizza”. I love the title. She totally breaks down online dating into a way that all of us can understand and learn from. She also wrote a previous book called At The Coffee Shop, which if you are EXTREMELY new to online dating, you should read this one first! To learn more about Cherie and to read more of her work, please visit www.TheDifferenceNow.com.

Okay, now that I’ve got that off of my chest- I’mma go stalk the personals. I’m the koo koo online dater that your friends warned you about…MuaHAHAHA!

TODAY IS NATIONAL VAGINA DAY! OKAY, NOT REALLY BUT…………

I’m going to let you in on a little secret of mine. No, I don’t have a talking vagina but I do have a musical one. It definitely takes the term “vibrato” to another level. Yes, I have one talented va-j-j. (Pff, that’s what he said) Considering I am very musical inclined this works out great for me, and on those days I’m feeling somewhat down, I just spread my legs and listen to the latest Top 40. On those not so clean days, you can find me and my vagina singing a duet of “Rubber Ducky”. When I’m feeling happy or excited, my vagina and I blow bubbles. Um, I’m not sure what that had to do with music but err, I just let that one slip. So many women around the world are blessed with talented vaginas. I envy the ones that have talking hoo ha’s. If only I could get my cute, little dildo box to talk to me. I wonder what she would say. What would your vagina say? WWYVS

1. Stop poking fun at me.
2. Quit sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.
3. Can’t touch this. (I’d like to thank M.C. Hammer for making this possible)
4. Who turned out the lights?
5. Okay, who farted?
6. I’m starting to get the feeling we aren’t alone.
7. It really is the inside that counts.
8. You can’t just cum in and out of my life like that.
9. Give me puberty, or give me death!
10.  Whew, I’m stuffed.
11. Clit me with your best shot!
12. I’ve got an asshole for a neighbor.

 Tell me what you think your hoo ha/ding dong have to say!!!

Today’s useless and uninformative post was sponsored and brought to you by No Nonsense Pantyhoes.

So, is your man always beating down the bedroom door trying to get in to your dildo box? Is he coming home from work like a mad stallion ready to pounce the second he walks in the door? Is your man chasing you around the house with a raging hard on? Don’t you worry your pretty face, there are several things you can do to make his willy go wonk, wonk, wonk. If you are tired of saying, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” or “I think I need to wash my hair” or “I’m just too tired” or “It’s that time of the month”, get on board and start utilizing these steps to make his Willy Wonka sad. Now, I can not be held responsible for the outcome, which will be…viola…no sex. There will be no bitching nor whining after you have done the limp willy deed. Please proceed with caution and please remember, willy’s have feelings to.

Make Pee Pee/Poo Poo:When your man comes home from work, you must make sure he catches you in rare form. “Honey, where are you?”…”I’m in here, dear”. Let him follow your voice all the way to the bathroom, where you will be squatting down on the toilet making a fabulous shadoobie. Or, you could be peeing…better yet, be peeing standing up- this will really freak him out. Men do not want to know that we have bodily functions. They would rather believe that the things just magically disappear. So, letting your man in on your little (or big) shadoobie secret is enough to make willy wonka go wonka wonk.

Past Sexual Relationships: The next time you have one of your “headaches”, go ahead and proceed with the booty making. Now, you must wait for the right moment for this one. Allow him to give oral sex and right in the middle of it, you need to say, “Wow, that was amazing…you did it just as good as Jeremy, if not better”. You must be prepared for a wild, psychotic response. This should do the trick though. Don”t be surprised if you never get sex again, isn’t that what you were going for anyway? Score! So, comparing your man’s sexual performance to others is a quick and easy way to make Mr. Happy not in the mood.

Faking It:I shouldn’t even write about this one because you are probably already doing it. This one requires a little bit of pizazz and Drama 101. Yes, we are talking about faking an orgasm. Now, I’m not talking about the believable fake orgasm. I am talking about the “She’s totally faking it” orgasm. It’s surpasses “When Harry Met Sally”. You will need to scream at the top of your lungs, pull your own hair out, possibly start snorting, twitch, foam at the mouth…you know, the usual. He will be so turned off by your poor attempt (great attempt, in my opinion) at an orgasm that he’d probably rather just masturbate from here on out. Yeehaw! So, faking a obvious, dramatic, psychotic orgasm…ending it with a generic “That was great” (kind of like MORE OVALTINE PLEASE)will make his taliwaker want to run and hide.

Vaginal Flatulence:This is the perfect way to scare the hell out of your man. We all know what vaginal flatulence is, also known as “Queef”. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s just how it is sometimes but if you all of a sudden got a really bad queefing problem, you’re man is more likely to read the newspaper than fill you up. I am not the one to teach “Queefing 101″ but there are many tutorials on the Internet that teach you how to do this on command. It’s a good idea to bump nasties a few times and let a few slip, “Oops, sorry honey” and then work your way up to a “Queef Off”. Look, we need to hurry this one up…I’m getting embarrassed hanging around in this tip. So, letting your man think you have croaking frogs in your vagina will most likely have his ding dong running for the hills.

Bossy Bitch Sex:The last thing your man wants is for you to be “Miss Know-It-All” in the bedroom. What you are going to do is be ‘the guide’ in the bedroom. Next time ya’ll are in the sac, you call all the shots. You will act like you are orchestrating the entire butt session. “Okay, not it’s time for some foreplay”, “I need you to go down slowly on me and then come back up and say Poppernickle” “You’re going to slow” “You’re going to fast” “What do you think you’re doing” “Pull my hair” “Slap my ass” “You’re pulling too hard” “You’re not pulling hard enough” “Who taught you how to ***?” MOVE IT SOLDIER! Okay, maybe the soldier part was a little bit over the top. Now, you will end this Bossy Bitch Sex with “Is it in yet?”. So, being a bossy bitch will put you on the top of his “Not To Do List” in a hurry.

The Corpse: If you haven’t scared him off by now, (what a trooper) this one will not only scare him off but bore him to death. Yes, it involves having sex again but simmer down, we’re almost done. This one is easy as pie. Now, when ya’ll are in the bed together and he starts to feel you up, touching you, caressing you…just lay there. When it starts sticking his tongue in your hoo ha, just lay there. When he mounts you and starts panting, just lay there. If you want to look at your watch a few times, this works also. After you have used so much sexual energy to just…well, lay there…and while he is still panting heavy bust out with a snore. So, playing the dead corpse will definitely put a damper on his idea of sex, again, he would probably just rather masturbate so willy will be happy.

Poor Hygiene:This step/tip does not involve intercourse because by the time he smells your funky ass, he’ll have hauled ass. This one takes a few weeks to work on though but is a win/win. Stop shaving your legs, under your arms and don’t shave your dildo box. You want to make sure you have the wildest Afro on the block. Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with a Macy Gray Afro but the armpit and leg Afro will freak him out. Also, we are going to go against our dentist’s recommendations and skip on the whole brushing our teeth thing. The one thing that will scare a man off though is a stinky tinky winky. Look, I don’t know how to make that happen and I really don’t think I want to talk about it, you can figure that one out on your own. So, looking sloppy, being messy, smelling god awful, being bushy and having an armpit Afro….his Johnson will have no choice but to go to the dark side.

Say His Name:You’re probably wondering what saying his name is going to do. I didn’t say WHOSE name! This one will will be the big finale. The two of you are getting at it, it’s wild, it’s hot..It’s GIRLS GONE WILD (oops, wrong post) it’s passionate, it’s dramatic, it’s _______ and _______. Wait until he starts huffing and puffing, go in for the fake orgasm, be dramatic, start screaming “Oh yes Oh yes…OMG JEREMY Don’t STOP, Jeremy Don’t Stop” (his name is Bob) I am willing to bet my left nipple that he never wants to have sex with you again. This is a victory, my friend. Not only will you be booty less, you will also be manless. Congratulations!

Warning: This post is for entertainment purposes only. If you really want to dodge having sex with your man THAT bad, then maybe you should find a new man. If you really feel the need to complete any one of these steps, please run to your nearest mental institute, I’ll be waiting for you!

Articles:

10 Things That Turn Off Men
His Biggest Turn-Offs

Last night, I zoned out. Not surprising,eh? I started to think about the past….past relationships. If you knew me and you knew my past, you would know that it was extremely complicated, painful, and onehell of a learning experience. Growing up in an unpleasant environment where my parents literally hated one another, there was no example of real love, commitment, communication to follow. I had to figure it out all on my own…don’t we all? With each relationship, I picked up something new and carried it to the next one….almost 15 years later, I finally grasped the ingredients for a healthy relationship. What have you learned from all of your past relationships? Let me fill you in on what I took from them:

1. Love is never enough:  My definition of love was somewhat demented in the beginning. I don’t really think that I knew what love was for years but when I finally figured it out, it wasn’t enough. I thought love conquered all. I thought love stood the test of time. I though love was enough. It wasn’t. While love is important, other things need to be in line, in balance for a relationship to work out. You can have love but if the relationship lacks compatibility, communication and compromise…it’s destined to be doomed.

2.You can’t really love unless you love yourself: I searched over and again for love. I just wanted to be loved. Over and again, I found myself in the wrong relationships and couldn’t figure out why. I had no idea that the answer I was looking for was with me the entire time. How can you truly, 100% love someone if you don’t love yourself. In order to experience true love, you must experience self-love.

3.Always go with your gut: I denied my gut feeling for years. I would see red flags, one after the other and I would  make excuses..I would ignore them. I didn’t trust my own intuition. I learned how to listen to my own feelings, my own instincts. Most all the times I had gut feelings about a certain relationship, they were right. I learned to be in tune with my intuition. I learned to trust myself. I learned to listen to my gut.

4.You can change noone: I was a fixer. I didn’t really see it as trying to change someone at the time. I would always date the dudes with all sorts of problems and I would swoop down to protect, to fix and to change. When  I think about those guys now, none of them ever changed. I realized that I was actually putting so much focus on bettering the other person that it took away from me bettering myself. No matter how much you love someone, people don’t change, unless they want to.

5. Sex can either confirm or complicate a relationship:There were certain relationships where sex either brought us closer together or it just made things really weird. There is an appropiate time for sex. It’s all about timing. It’s what is good for the both of you, not what is good for one or the other. Getting pressured to have sex too soon is a great way to feel resentment and complicate things. Have sex only when you are ready.

6.No one deserves to be abused:It’s typical for most of us to make excuses for an abuser. “I deserved it” “He just is having a bad day” “I should have done this” “I should have done that”. Look, I don’t care how psycho you are, how clumby or forgetful you are, it doesn’t matter what your faults are…no one deserves to be abused. To me, I think mental abuse is the worst kind there is. My first abusive relationship was mental and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I just knew that I felt crazy, questioned my logic and my sanity…it was extremely damaging and it took a number of years for me to figure out that it was mental abuse, took an extra number of years for me to recover. No one deserves to be abused.

7.You teach people how to treat you: All the times I let them get away with abuse…calling me names, cheating on me, hitting me, spitting on me…all of those times I turned the other cheek…I was basically telling them “You can treat me like this and I will stay”. I had no idea this is what I was doing. I thought I was being the bigger person by letting it roll off of my back but now (looking back), I realize that I was teaching them how to treat me. Don’t ever settle for bullshit like this. The first time it happens, you can either walk away or give them one more chance…the second time it happens..you better head your ass to the hills.

8.Doing it for the kids: For some reason, when people have children out of wedlock..they feel as if they have to get married to make it better. I got pregnant without being married. I had a tremendous amount of pressure on me, coming from my father, family members and my own fiance to get married. This is one time I listened to my gut and didn’t do it. I knew one mistake had been  made and there wasn’t a valid reason to make another one. In the end, I was right. The fiance and I didn’t work out and no piece of paper, no “I do”,..nothing could have made us compatible. Marriage doesn’t fix things. It only amplifies. Tying the knot will not make the relationship better if it’s bad, it will only put more strain on the relationship. Do what your heart tells you to do.

9.Growing up and out of love: Sometimes you don’t need a extreme reason to end a relationship. Sometimes people just grow out of each other. I dated a guy for four years and within that four years, I went one way and he went another way. We were young but growing up together. Sometimes couples grow separate ways and what they wanted before is likely to change to something else. It’s okay to just end it because you want different things.

10. Men can’t read minds: This one I’m still battling with but I’m starting to get it. Men don’t get ‘beating around the bush”. I’ve been beating around the bush for years and no one has YET to get it, probably because they just don’t….get it. Hell, sometimes I don’t even get it. If you want a man to know something, tell him-straight up. If you want him to spend time with you, don’t assume and don’t beat the bush. Tell him upfront, otherwise he is not going to have a clue.

These are my top ten learning experiences. Of course, there are several others but I didn’t want to write a novel today. We’ve all learned things from past relationships but the  most important is that you implement what you have learned. You will not get anywhere in your relationships if you do not take something from each one and use it. Your relationships should get better with each one that you are in. What have you learned from your past relationships? How has it affected your current ones?

During sex, we suddenly remember that Macy’s is having their ” 75% off ” sale on all shoes and accessories, mmmm….what to do…continue having sex and miss out on those fabulous Jimmy Choos or fake it like a roaring tiger and haul ass to the market? Can’t we just fuck at the market? Hey, it’s a win-win!

I read an interesting post with a different point of view of “Women Who Fake Orgasms” . Well,  it didn’t actually have the answer as to why women fake orgasms but more less another woman ask why the hell other women do it? I think the author has a great concept of why we shouldn’t fake the “Big O” but if only it were that simple. While she has some valid points, for some of us, if we had sex until we ‘came’…the cows would be home. Some of us take forever to “Yeehaw”, and sometimes we just want a little bit of lovin’ and not a sexathon. Most of the time, men play off of us. The “few good men” who won’t “Yahoo” until we “Yeehaw”…well, it could turn into an all night’r. This is just one of the reasons women are fakers. I listed a few below but I’m sure I’m missing a chunk of them. Please add to the pile if you know another reason women ’sike-the-dingaling’! Read the rest of this entry »

You are in a relationship that is fulfilling  and you feel as if the two of you are perfect for one another, you get along great, you do all sorts of things together, you respect one another, you are somewhat compatible, you make one another happy BUT ….HUGE BUT…you do not have sex: This IS not a romantic relationship THIS IS a FRIENDSHIP!!

Women can only go so long without sex until they start to see their mate as a good guy friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? If you are not bumping nasties with me on a routine basis, you are not going WITH me to a deeper level therefore you will slowly get pushed into the friend zone. Yes, we all need friends  but some of us are looking for someone to take the majority of our heart. There’s three parts to the heart IMO:

Section 1: Family
Section 2: Friends
Section 3: Children in Ethiopia
Section 4: Fuzzy Feelings.

Now, the fuzzy feelings take up the majority of the heart and is reserved for that one special person. This part of the heart is where all the romantic mushiness resides. It’s where love blossoms and it’s where the deep connection blooms. Now, let me explain to you how a ‘deep connection’ is stimulated in a woman. You’re probably thinking that “Section 4″ of the heart can be bought, you are mistaken- my friend. No diamonds, dildos or donuts will do. Disclaimer: The auther of this post is speaking from her own Section 4, not women of America’s Section 4 You want to know how women get and keep that deep, soulful connection? Sex. Yes, sex. Now, how hard is that? Obviously not hard enough.

Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying and get the idea that I am simply saying sex is all we need. We need all that other bullshit like validation, appreciation, understanding, and SEX. You see? I have loads of friends and it’s understood that our friends validate us and appreciate us but we don’t bang our friends. Oh wait, some of us do but then we skate over to the “Friends With Benefits” zone and that’s another post in itself. So, in order for us to differentiate the difference between you and our good friend Bob, you must inject the penis. Disclaimer: These are only the psychotic, demented views of the author Yes, we know that you guys bond by doing stuff with us and sharing those Kodak moments and we have no problem going along with the bonding process, but we need and want intimate, touching, romantic, hard core,  monkey, hanging from the rafters, embarrassing your mother SEX. Okay, it doesn’t HAVE to be wild sex, any penetration will do- as long as it’s not in the booty. I’m sorry but I will lose my deep connection with you if you go deep into my ass.

We laugh together, converse together, play together, cook together, solve problems together…all of these things create a semi-circle around Section 4, if you want to complete the circle..there must be sex. Yes, we know, sex is more of an action to you…it isn’t bonding, unspoken emotions, connecting..it’s just sloppy slam bam thank you mam. It’s just another moment in life where you have to raise your heartbeat, get sweaty and shoot mini you’s. Sorry pal, women don’t see it that way. Think of it this way- the closest you can be to someone (physically) is to be inside someone [The closest you can be to someone (emotionally) is to be inside their Section 4]. Sex is putting the cherry on top of the relationship. We don’t confirm our friendships by banging our same sex friends, do we? “Oh damn, that Cindy was something special, Whew Wee, I can tell we’re going to be GREAT friends…” When women have sex with a man, they are letting you into their world. They are letting you have a piece of them (piece of ass) and their Section 4. Unless their whores, you should consider having sex with a woman something special.

Now, we know you banged the hell out of us in the beginning because it was vagina and you were all excited and twitterpated. We were just as excited as you were, but all of a sudden…DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD and so is your ding dong. All of a sudden, life seems to grab you by the balls and you’re too busy, too stressed, too tired, too hungry, too impotent, too f*cking your secretary. How can you NOT want to bang me? Now, you’ve gone and done it. Women are conditioned to think that every man wants, eats, sleeps and dreams about sex. We are dumbfounded when we stumble upon one that thinks otherwise. First, we research all outside resources to see if and what might be impacting your boner. Then, we do the womanly thing (we all do it) and starting point the boner at ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you are too tired, too hungry, too busy, too stressed, too limp….Let me tell you what a woman thinks when her man does not want to have sex with her:

1. He’s f*cking someone else
2. I’m not good enough
3. I must suck in bed
4. I must have an ugly body and he’s not attracted to me
5. My breasts must look funny, he’s laughing at my vagina
6. My vagina must smell like armpit
7. He’s embarrassed to see me naked, now I”m embarrassed to be naked
8. I guess I just don’t do it for him
9. He’s f*cking someone else
10.He’s just not that into me (I hate this phrase n0w)

Read the rest of this entry »

Oh me, I remember my “Want” list years ago, well… 2 and a half years ago to be exact. What  happened 2 1/2 years ago? I popped out a baby. Yes, I know…it was quite an experience…stretch marks, constipation, epidural, blood, amniotic sac, FETUS… wait, where was I? Oh yes, my want list: I think it looked a little something like this:

1)Must Love Dogs
2)No Kids
3)Must Love Chicken
4)No Kids
5)Must Love Vibrators
6)No Kids

You get the point, right? Married men and men with children were 100% forbidden, well for me anyways. Silly,uh? What was my reasoning? I didn’t want something who had already..well, been “had”. I didn’t want a ready made family. I didn’t want someone to have to call me “Miss Lindsay”. I didn’t want to deal with a crazy ex-wife. I didn’t want to write out a check for $1000 a month for child support. I didn’t want a constant reminder that my man and some other woman f*cked. I mean, to me, kids were just little f*cking reminders. I know, I should be ashamed of myself but I’m not. I mean, come on, can you blame me? I was a single, independent woman who had no clue about children. They scared me. I would be lying if I said they still don’t scare me a little, just a bit. Anyway, all I know is that one day I woke up and every man on the planet (it seemed) had children. I searched high and low for a man that hadn’t populated. You see, I had this cool idea of never getting married or ever having kids. I was going to be the small town “Angelina Jolie” and adopt Asian babies and wear cool sunglasses. Then, I stumbled on a dude that had no kids, no ex wife and yeehaw, there was gold in them thar hills. Needless to say, we saw, we came and then we conquered and by the time it was all over I was Miss Mommy Lindsay.

So, it was a surprise and a beautiful one at that. Dammit, if I knew this mother thing was going to be so cool..I would have started having babies years ago. Ok, not really. Somehow I managed to go from Miss Lindsay to Mommy Lindsay to Single Mommy Lindsay. Funny how that kind of works out. For awhile, I never thought about dating but as months passed I started to wonder what kind of man would want to date a woman who had a little baby? Warning: Here comes random thought: It’s amazing how selective we get once we have children.I stayed single for almost a year or more because I became incredibly picky and choosy. No, I wasn’t looking for a father for my son, he already had one but I was looking for someone that would be a positive influence. Damn, slim pickings. I actually told myself that I would probably never find a compatible partner that would accept me plus my cute little baggage. I prepared myself to be single and decided that I would rather be single than be with someone who didn’t accept my little one. Eventually, I started dating a dude. I find it somewhat comical that he (like all the others I’ve dated) had no children. Am I wrong for thinking “YES!”? Am I wrong for thinking that one kid is all I can handle at the moment?

*Sigh* How do I always manage to crap up my post with complete bullshit before I even get to the damn point? So, this is really my first relationship since the wonk wonk wonk ex. It’s extremely new for me to be dating someone other than my son’s father. I can only imagine how new it is for the dude because he’s never dated anyone with children. Is it okay to say it’s the blind leading the blind? Anywho, moving on to bigger and better balls..err, I mean things. I wanted, for my own therapeutic selfish reasons, to post about issues and tips concerning dating with children.

1. Scare Tactics: The quickest way to scare the hell out of someone on a first date is to focus 101% on your children. I know, you’re a proud parent but for some reason, it can easily freak the other person out. Pulling out pictures and talking about how Bobby’s balls just dropped isn’t something someone really wants to hear about in the beginning. I think it’s important to mention that you have children and tis okay to tell the ages/sex/etc but leave it at that. It’s okay to focus on yourself or someone else for five minutes, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Slowly progress into doting on your children. Of course, if the person you are going out with has children also- this whole tip might as well go down the drain.  Read the rest of this entry »

Happy “Baby Daddy” Day everybody! Yes, it’s that special day where ‘baby daddies’ around the world come together to celebrate the joys of being a father. Okay, so maybe they don’t all come together but I’m pretty sure that most are celebrating, right? So, I just got back from my ‘baby daddy’ house. I actually put together an album of pictures of my son and him for Father’s Day. I know what you’re thinking, I’m a damn sweet baby mamma. Damn straight and damn skippy.  Most women would turn their nose up at the idea of giving her ex a Father’s Day present. Look people, the  man is going to be in your life for the next 18 years so you might as well make the best of it.

I know, I’m sure (like most relationships) it probably ended pretty shitty (hey, that rhymed) and there might be a little bitterness, maybe a tid bit of resentment. I had my moments of being pissed, I’m human..you know. At one point, I didn’t think I would piss on him if he were on fire. At one point, I wanted to be the fire starter. At one point, I thought I could murder him in his sleep…just slowly put a pillow over his head and watch him squirm as he slowly drifted off into la la land. At one point, I’m out of points but you get the point…I was one pissed off bitch.

If you are in the situation where your ex is the father of your child, the relationship can go one or two ways..good or bad. I mean, I’m sure it can be ‘luke warm’ in the middle sometimes but mostly it’s from one extreme to the other. I gave myself time to be pissed at him, hate him, despise him, throwing imaginary darts at his face and then I got over it…only after I hit bulls eye about a trillion times. *sigh* The good thing about pain is that it doesn’t have to last forever. At one point, the pain can and will pass but it’s up to you to move on. You can dilly dally all day in a big puddle of pain but as Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working for you?”. Read the rest of this entry »