The Queen of Relationships

For some reason, my father always turns his nose up when I tell him I am dating “on line”. *gasps* Why do people always see us as ‘desparate’ because we are going the ‘online’ dating route? Come on people, it’s 2009. My father’s response is, “If you go looking for something, you are going to find it”. I’m thinking…”Great, then I should get just what I am looking for”. He would rather me meet someone at church. Oh, you mean, the same place he met his current wife? The one who he is completely miserable with?No thanks, I’ll pass.

I am not ashamed to be an ‘online’ dater. Let’s see, I could either go to a bar and mingle with sloppy drunks who are just looking for a cheap orgasm or I could go ‘online’ and cruise profiles. I find it completely fascinating that I can view someone’s profile and get an idea of what kind of person they are. I can see what there interest are, learn about their career, their hobbies, if they have children, their education,etc. It beats the hell out of someone approaching you at a bar and saying, “Come here often?”.

So, I met my ex-fiance on yahoo personals. His profile fit the description I was looking for. He had his own company, he liked to travel, he seemed witty and looked to be like a perfect match for me. To make the long story short, I am thinking about talking to yahoo about getting a “mental stability” section on the profiles. You know, where you can check off whether or not you slash tires, stalk, hear voices, or still suck on your mother’s tit. Needless to say, we didn’t work out but that didn’t stop me from jumping back online to search for something even better.

I have been on several dates from online dating sites. Many of them didn’t go past the first date but I did gain a few friendships out of it. I met my current boyfriend on one of those sites. Please don’t tell my father this because he thinks that we ran into each other at a party. Why are we so embarrassed to tell people we met online? Why can’t people just scream it from the mountain tops? I started to tell my father, “Oh, we met at strip club”, then when I proceed to tell him we really met online, it wouldn’t seem so bad.

If you are thinking about dating online, do not be embarrassed. If you are like me, you do not come in contact with a great deal of people through out the day. Also, some of us work from home and others don’t have time to go out and search for “the one”. If you are thinking about dating online, the first thing you must do is set up a profile. You are basically going to be selling yourself to the opposite sex. That sounded funny. Your profile is what will reel people in. You must make sure it’s practically perfect in every way, just like Mary Poppins. Yes, I said it. Since I’ve been stalking dating sites for over five years, I have a few tips that you might could use and enjoy. Here are some important tipsters on your profile!

1)Profile Picture: Okay, look…please don’t put up a picture during the time you thought you looked the best. So, what if you aren’t looking your best now? Don’t you want someone to like you for who you are rather than who you were? I’m sorry but a prom picture from ‘85 just doesn’t cut it. Show people your personality in your picture. The pictures that attracted me most were the ones where the men were smiling. This let me know they were capable of having a good time didn’t seem to take themselves too serious. I don’t want to freak anyone out but a ‘web cam’ picture creeps me out. For some reason, when I see a web cam picture I think, “Why does he have a web cam, does he spend hours showing people his pecker?”. I have always seen it this way and it will never change.

Also, do not take a picture of yourself in the mirror. What? Do you not have any friends that can take a picture for you? This makes you look lonely. Do you want to look lonely? I didn’t think so. And for the love of God and a Popeye’s chicken biscuit, DO NOT put up a picture of you on the cell phone. What? Is that thing so attached to your ear that you couldn’t take a picture without it? It only leads me to believe that you are obsessed with your phone or working. Another thing, there’s nothing wrong with being “big boned”. Don’t you want someone to love you and your extra love? Don’t mislead people into thinking you are athletic when you aren’t. All you are doing is wasting your time and theirs if you try to pretend you are something you aren’t. Don’t you think they are going to find out on the first date anyway?

2)Your Headline: Have you ever put your resume on career builder? Would you ever put, “I’m desparate for a job” or “Asshole Bosses Need Not Apply”, well, why would you want to put it on your profile. Your headline says a lot about you. Time and time again, I see people putting “lonely” in their headline. Well, why are you lonely? Is it because no one else wants you? No, I’m not saying that but this is what people will think. It also makes you come across as incredibly needy.

You need to show that you are witty and if you aren’t witty, at least show that you have some sort of humor. My ex-fiance’s headline said “Enter Witty Comment Here”. Yes, I know…I’ve seen a lot of people use that sense then but it’s just damn funny. Another one that I find extremely amusing is, “I’m kind of a big deal”. I think that’s a quote from Anchor Man, the movie. Do not say, “Come Here Often?”. It’s just cheesy. I actually put it in my headline once but I was only being a smart ass, I think it was obvious. Do not put “No Drama Queens”. Ugh, I hate it when people put this. This lets me know that even though you seem to hate drama that you always attract it, which leads me to believe that you thrive better in chaos. So, your headline needs to be catchy. This is what is going to push people to click on your profile.

3)About Me Section: Ah yes, the beautiful “About Me” section, where you get to boast of all your accomplishments and how funny you are, or not. Sorry dear friend, but you shouldn’t brag in your “About Me” section. My ex-fiance bragged a bit about how successful he was but at that point in life, I was so lonely I looked over that minor red flag. He did indeed turn out to be cocky and arrogant. Do you want people to think you are arrogant? I didn’t think so, save your accomplishments for your resume.

If you write about how you love long walks on the beach and candle light dinners *insert puking noise*, people are going to laugh. Okay, that might not laugh but that’s just totally cheesy. Do you REALLY like long walks on the beach, especially considering there isn’t a beach for a least 300 miles? Also, please do not put that you like to live life to the fullest. Well, duh..who doesn’t? I can’t count how many times I’ve read this, it’s so not original and don’t you want to be unique?

Look, you need to be honest. There is no reason to lie about who you are. If you do feel the need to lie about who you are, you might want to seek therapy. Also, don’t you think that the other person is going to figure out that you aren’t who you say you are? Save yourself the embarrassment and just be you. If you can’t be “you”, then you might need to take some time off from dating and learn who “you” really are.

Don’t talk about how your friends say you are funny, show them you are funny in your profile. I could care less about what Bubba says about you. I don’t know Bubba. This is your first impression you better make sure it’s a good one and you better make sure it last.

So, these are my tips for your online dating profile. When you respond to people, please do not send the same message to everyone. Read over their profile and get to know some stuff about them and then respond. I can tell when men would sen
d me a message they sent to everyone else. It was extremely vague and completely boring. I couldn’t hit “delete” quick enough. If you have any questions about online dating, please feel free to e-mail me. queen@queenofrelationships.com

P.S.- Comments Are Appreciated!