No, I do not have a weenie..nor will I ever have a weenie. Let me rephrase that, I will never have a weenie attached to my body and no I do not own a strap on. Where am I going with this? Good question. Mmm, what IS my point? I’m trying to tell you that just because I lack a schlong, penis, johnson, winky tinky, or taliwacker…doesn’t mean that I don’t know what men do and do not want. I’m sure some people probably think, “How can she possibly know what men are thinking?”. HEY, I KNOW PEOPLE! No really, I’ve dated enough, listened enough and researched enough to know what turns men off. You’ll learn pretty quick that it doesn’t take much. Oh Snap! So, me and my taliwackerless self put together a list of some things that probably make the penis limp.
Men’s Top Ten Turn-Offs
1) Stanky Wanky- Look, I’m putting this as #1 because I feel as if it’s the biggest turn-off for men. Men can’t seem to stomach a stanky wanky. If you are confused as to what a ‘wanky’ is, it’s THE vagina. Get it? Yes, a ‘wanky’ is a woman’s vagina. Please do not even think about stealing my word, I will ban you from the island. So, if your man refuses to lick your wanky, you might want to sniff things out. If he has to go ‘down’ with a clothes pin on his nose, please seek medical help. Sometimes women can’t help a stanky wanky. I’ve read several places that your diet has a lot to do with your wanky smell. “You are what you eat”. I had a friend tell me the other day that every time she eats onions…you guessed it, her wanky smelled like onions and indeed it was stanky, dinner anyone? I knew another woman that had a bad wanky reaction to tomatoes. Personal hygiene is so important. It’s one thing for the wanky to stanky because of issues you can’t help but if you are not washing your wanky…well, shame on you. Tip: It’s been said that Cranberry Juice helps eliminate the wanky odor. Another Tip: Never ask your man to go to Walgreens to buy you a douche.
2)Calorie Counter- Please tell me why women feel the need to count calories in front of men? Please tell me why women feel the need to order a salad every time they go out with a man? Hell, you’re human and human’s gotta eat. Men do not care how many calories are in the melba toast. They do not care if you think it’s going to go to your thighs. Don’t be a picky eater. Look, if a dude takes me out on a date..I’m going to eat my dinner, his dinner and then will probably swallow him whole. I’m just an oinker like that. I’ve never been afraid to eat in front of men. I mean hell, I’m a curvy woman…it’s obvious that I eat. Plus, I’m not going to pass up a pork chop. *smacks lips* What’s for dessert?
3)Ex-Rated- If you want to totally turn off a man, please talk about your exes. Men love it when you go on and on about your previous boyfriends….Not. Out of all the conversation topics in the world, why must we talk about the exes? I mean, hell, if they were so great and worthy to be brought up…why aren’t we still with them? Or, if they were so terrible to us, why are we still talking about them? I’ll admit it, I’ve talked about my exes a few times with my current boyfriend but usually I’m just telling a story. I don’t go on and on about it, or at least I don’t think I do. Do I? If you must tell stories about your exes, wait until the relationship is at the “taken” status. Once the two of you are “Boyfriend/Girlfriend or Man/Woman” and you feel comfortable enough to talk about past relationships, do it. Brining up exes in the beginning of a relationship is a double no no.
4)Make-Up Madness- I’m pretty sure that men are not attracted to Marilyn Mason. I’m not sure why b/c he’s just ’so’ hot. Men like make-up that is natural. Please, if you are wearing base..make sure it matches your skin color. Please don’t have the base line, you’ll only embarrrass yourself and me. If you like to wear gobs of make-up, please save it for when you go work the corner. Trust me, you’re customers are sure to love it but you’re love interest? Not so much. Tip- You may be exempt from this tip only if you are trying to cover up the uglies.
5)Spitters-Back in the old days the question was “Paper or Plastic?”….nowadays it’s “Spit or Swallow?”. Even if they don’t admit it, men are turned off by you spitters. Hey, I’m not pointing any fingers..I don’t much blame you for not wanting to swallow a wad of something that smells like clorox. Sometimes you got to take one for the team. How would you feel if he went down to your wanky and came up and started spitting your goo everywhere? “What… is my GOO not GOO-d enough for you?”. If you want to be a trooper and turn a man on, swallow your pride and swallow the goo. Tip: Just so you know, you can get STD’s from swallowin goo, so you might want to make sure that the goo is not infected before you do the deed.
6)Gold Diggers- “There’s gold in them thar hills”. I have never been a gold digger so I don’t have much experience in this area. All I can tell you is that men DO NOT like gold diggers. I don’t blame them. Who the hell wants to date a woman that is only after his money? Now, if you were after his taliwacker, it might be a different story. If you are a gold digger, you can at least be discrete about it. Don’t pull out your ‘want’ list on the first date. Tip: You should be passionate about a man for who is he and not the size of his penis wallet.
7)Bad Panty Picker- I am going to start a petition to ban granny panties forever. All grandmothers across the country will soon be sporting thongs or going commando. Do not wear granny panties unless you are a granny. Hell, I don’t even think that grannies like wearing granny panties, but it’s the only underwear that will hold their depends and hemroids. If you want to turn a man on, buy sexy thongs and underwear. If you are clueless as to what to buy, take him with you. He’ll love it.
8)Negative Nancy- Negative Nancy is where the word “bitch” derived from. The last thing a man wants is a negative, whiny, bitching girlfriend. If this were the case, they would have just married their mothers. You don’t want to be a constant Debbie Downer. Don’t blab on about how your too fat, how your hair is messed up, how he spends too much time with his friends, how it’s that time of the month, just shut up already. Please bitch to your girlfriends, that’s what they are there for. Men do not get bitching and will never be able to decode your bitchiness, so there’s no reason to even go there.
9) Insecure To The Max- I’ve dated insecure people and it’s hard work. You feel as if you constantly have to reassure them that they are a)good looking b) smart c) funny d) wanted e)sexy ..need I go on? Man, it’s a full-time job. It’s okay to have insecurities, we all have them but don’t let them consume you. Men like confident women, it’s a turn on. Even if you are insecure about who you are, just fake it. Don’t be one of those women who are extremely jealous and insecure, this will make a man run for the hills. Don’t be needy. Men like to know that they are needed but they don’t like knowing that your world revolves around them. They want to know that you can stand on your own two feet. Be confident in who you are!
10) Fantastic Faker- Ohhh oh! Oh yeah baby! Oh my God, Oh no no Ooh! Ladies and gentlemen, you have just witness “The Queen” faking her first blogasm. Yes, we all do it…we’ve all faked orgasms at least once in our life. I’m sure I’ve done it a few times myself, err..I mean, I’m a virgin. Why do we fake orgasms? Because a) the sex is bad b) we want to make the man feel good about himself c) sex for hours hurts and we want it to be over with d)he doesn’t know what he’s doing e) we’re tired and didn’t want sex to begin with f)we’re embarrassed that it takes so long to orgasm that we just fake it and get it over with. Faking an orgasm is a turn off. They might not know it in the beginning but pretty soon they’ll catch on. Men are not stupid, well..not all of them. You are the one missing out when you fake it. Take control over your own orgasms and don’t just leave it up to him for you to recieve pleasure. Don’t fake it, make it happen.
Class dismissed.
P.S.- Comments and opinions are appreciated!
04/7/09 Men's Top Ten Turn-Offs 52 Comments
I will agree with all of them, except maybe the panty one – I like sexy undies on a lady, but if we get to that point, they ain’t staying on long enough to worry about anyway. As for number 10 – tell the guy what you want him to do – most of us don’t realize that it takes different tactics for different women, we just want to get on to the sex part. Besides, what guy doesn’t like a little dirty talk.
I have never been a dirty talker. I tried once and I got my words backwards and I looked like a complete idiot. Example: I said “Mm, good you so feel”, what should have been said “You feel so good”. Are you meanin to tell me that you like Granny panties?
Aural sex…talking dirty is a matter of practice. Wanna crack yourself up? Practice in the mirror. Once you see and hear yourself say it, you will have no problems saying it to him! A glass of wine helps too. ~~Dee
Yes Queen… “busting out a Yoda impression in the bedroom” deserves honorable mention.
And ladies, if you can’t figure out how to make your voice sound sultry and sexy, then ix-nay on the dirty talk. Nothing turns us off faster than hearing the Crypt Keeper tell us to “slap my ass and call me a bitch.” It’s the equivalent of your man saying, “Oh my God… I love you so much, (insert his ex’s name here)!”
What a hoot! Love, love, LOVE your style, and your sass! Thanks for the great laugh this AM as I am waking up. Yes, and your Yoda impression was yummy… Keep up the terrific work, girlfriend!
Ha! I love that you tell it like it is! As a married woman I think all those things still apply. The difference is that I would just have to listen to my husband tell me about it rather then a guy being turned off. I’m not sure what’s more embarassing! I do my best with the sexy underware (although sometimes I do like the regular panties..lol). As for gold diggers I think that is a huge turn off, and it coincides with the make up and salad…no guy wants high maintenence. I don’t think most men are wired to handle it!
Jen
http://www.afterthealter.com
I am so happy I found this site. And this post made me laugh, hard, because it’s so true.
About dirty talk, I’ve always been good at writing dirty little messages to my lovers. It delivers the message and does the job
What a great list and I could not agree more – I still have a few single friends who break some of those rules and they wonder why they are still single
LOVED this. And I’ve had several men *really* appreciate the lacy boyshort/tanga…OK, mostly *after* sex, but still.
AND, I am proud to say have recently begun adjusting to No. 5…I don’t hate it…in fact it’s kinda powerful…
Aural sex. HELLS yeah. I love a dirty talker. And I do believe in giving and receiving there too.
Queen, I think you could add waxing/trimming to No. 1 too…
Staci- Man, why didn’t I think of that. The number 1 turn off should be a furry muffin. I think I might go back and edit that. Great idea!
I must agree with all of those things. We single girls appreciate you saying the truth and not being gentle with it!
note to self: Toss out all the granny panties asap
There should be a national holiday for “Burning Granny Panties”. Women around the world would get together and burn all of their granny panties.
Oh Queen This was a good one. there may be a song inspired by your posts one of these days…
rock on Gurl!
Mark
http://MarkShepardSongs.com
Yes, I hope I can inspire you! Yes, you need to write a song about men’s turn-offs! That would be a funny one!
I just read a Redbook article – the top five turn offs. Just FIVE. And of course they were all different, and several really dumb. “Don’t pee in front of your man (and they include husbands)…So then why does Husband come in the bathroom and dig thru the closet whilst I pee? Can you say “I don’t care?”
as always you rock – and are WAY better and more insightful and funnier than Redbook. WAY.
Oh Heidi, You know I love you girl. I wish I could have the chance to write for a magazine liek Redbook. We can always dream can’t we?
As a guy – nothing eats at me more than #3! Drives me crazy!!!!
As a man, I can vouch that these are very true. My favs are #8 & #9
Hi Ron! Glad you had a favorite and thanks for stopping by
Clorox huh … *makes note to eat more pineapple*
Yes, please eat more pineapple and stay away from onions.
Nothing like straight talk and telling it like it is girl!! I don’t have a weenie either, but men are pretty simple. It is us women that make it so complex! Hope life is treating you well!
Man, you are so right about that. Men are such simple creatures and we think they are so complicated when really WE are the ones that are complicated. Damn emotions. lol
My hat is off to you, my dear. Love your stuff.
Thanks Mr. Jed, I totally enjoy your blog also. It’s always a good read!
Wow, you just tell it like it is. I thought I was going to blush through the whole thing after reading tip 1, but I only blushed through about a third of it. I think that many men will be surprised at how well you described their turn offs.
SCORE! I made Tina blush! Mission Accomplished!
R u trying to say that the reason I’m single is because I don’t bathe? Damn!!!! And I just bought Steve Harvey’s book. Is he gonna tell me the same thing? hahahaha
Queen, you did it again!!! You managed to crack me up again with… THE TRUTH!!! I love it, and I am going to have to share this with my mom’s best friend. I know she’s going to love it… maybe even more than me.
I’ve been meaning to buy Steve Harvey’s book. I picked it up the other day and read through it but I just bought 10 books from Amazon so I’m going to be busy for awhile. I’ll probably pick it up in a few weeks or so.
Stanky Wanky! LOL. One of the characters in my book has one of those LOL.
Oh really? What book are you writing? Is it a relationship book?
Stanky Wanky? OMG! I have never heard of that term. And must agree #3 is huge for me.
You’ve never heard of Stanky Wanky? Well, I just kind of made it up. I think I might copyright it. lol
~Hahahaha~
“Absolutely beautiful, blunt, enchanting, sexy, true and righteous”
The undefeated champion of relationships and undefiled Diva of dating. We worship thee!
~Hail to the Queen~
Oh wow, you’re too funny. Thanks so much for the compliment, that made me feel warm and fuzzy!
Thank you for the understanding of it all. Well I understand it better from your view and its so real. lol I love it and it is very sound and good advice. I mean come on (oh btw im wearing the g panties) sorry but love how they cover. I know not sexy but helpful at the right time of month. then they go bye bye till next time.
Your wearing Granny Panties? Girl, don’t worrr your secret is safe with me. Hey, granny panties wouldn’t be all that bad if they had a little bling to it.
Aside from #5 (I just don’t know) and #10 being something that needs to be heavily communicated between a couple, I agree with all of your points.
Wanky, huh? hahaha love it
While you ladies are throwing out the granny panties throw the stained ones out too. Don’t like those wanky stained panties.
Willy- This statement made me gag a little!!
Lindsay, as always, you charm with a silver tongue and a razor wit. I will be down this coming weekend, let’s have coffee and compare notes! I don’t know if you’ve checked it or not, but I’m starting an incendiary political blog over on the Facebook page; we’re of course having tea parties in Shreveport, Baton Rouge, Lafayette, AND New Orleans. Our lovely Congressman will be attending, and you might wanna check it out! Again, Linds, PERFECT blog. Congenial and incredibly smart, as ALWAYS! Keep up the amazing work!
My GOD Lindsay, now we are gagging in unison lol
Heidi- I couldn’t think of any other person I would rather gag with than you!
Oh I love it!!!! #5 too funny!!!! (BUT TRUE…) sometimes you have to take on for the team … LOL Just make sure you choose wisely ladies…
Hey Lindsay
My sides are aching after reading your Mens and Ladies top 10’s – you are well funny honey – LMAO
Hi Tim, thanks for the compliment Mister. I try to be funny, people are way too serious these days so I’m here to spice it up and make you giggle…wait, men don’t giggle. Okay, I’m here to spice it up and make you ‘manly’ laugh.
I agree with all but the spitter. Ladies, my advice is…if you’re not into swallowing then just lick and suck. There’s no need to swallow! He’ll appreciate the oral just as much if you don’t swallow…that comes after the fact anyway.
Jane-I don’t know what it is about men but they always love a woman that swallows. IMO, they should be pleased with the fact that someone is putting it in their mouth. lol Beggers can’t be choosers!
You got number 1 dead on right! There’s nothing worse. And that’s a dealbreaker for sure.
Hi, interesting post. I have been pondering this issue,so thanks for posting. I will definitely be coming back to your blog.
Well, finding good information on steve harvey’s dating advice ( dating advice or relationship advice) is not always common. But the information here about The Queen of Relationships » Blog Archive » Men’s Top Ten Turn-Offs is enough. I see now what has been cooking in your head.Keep up.