The Queen of Relationships

The fight started with something extremely minor. It was something about how the dog has snapped at him. It was my dog, you know, I was pretty protective of her. To be honest, I loved that dog more than I did him.  I wasn’t a good fighter and he was even worse at it. And we were off. Why is it that every time we fight we bring up issues that happened years ago? It hasn’t nothing to do with the current situation but we always feel the need to bring it up and throw into each other’s face. Yes, we were “dirty” fighters. He would call me a bitch and I would inform him that he had a little weenie and was clueless in the bedroom (okay, not really). You got to hit’em where it hurts right? Wrong. Fighting dirty might make you feel good short-term but in the long run it will only have negative effects on your relationship.

1)Repeat What Your Partner Is Saying: Geez, I can’t tell you how many fights I had with my ex-fiance that were based around miscommunication. We would argue about something that the other person didn’t even say, it was only assumption. If your partner says something in an argument, repeat it back to them to make sure that you are hearing them correctly. “So, what you are saying is that you don’t like it when I _____?”.  Before you have any sort of response, you need to make sure that you understand them 100% before you talk back.

2)Time-Out: No, I’m not telling you to put your mate in the corner. Although, that’s not a bad idea. When things get heated, both of you know that you are going to say things that you don’t mean. It’s probably a good idea to give each other time to cool down. Have you ever been in a fight where you seem to be going in circles? It’s okay to give each other a break and have time to cool down. Try to regroup, think things over and then come back to one another once the two of you have had a good time-out.

3)Buzz Words: Okay, people, I’m not saying this works but I’m just letting you know what a therapist told me once. You and your partner need to pick out a “buzz” word. A buzz word is a word that the two of you can use when things get too heated. The “buzz” word lets the other one know that they have gone too far or that you need a break from the fight.

My ex-boyfriend and I picked out a word. Oh yes, we did. We decided on the word pickle, it was neutral enough, right? So, things got heated and one thing let to another, “You son-of-a-no-good…..pickle?” No really, neither one of us ever said “pickle”. Who the hell wants to blurt out “pickle” in the middle of a fight? I sure don’t. So, this might work for some people but as for me, when I’m in a pickle..I do not feel the need to say “pickle”.

4)Set Boundaries: In a perfect world, before the relationship even gets going, we would be able to voice what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior in the relationship.  Since it’s not a perfect world, you and your partner might have already had several fights. It’s time to sit each other down and agree to certain boundaries that the other will not cross during fighting. Some examples are: no name calling, no “your mamma” jokes, no violence, no mocking, no putting one another down, etc.

5)Get Rid Of “You”: Okay, so I’m not saying that you need to leave the relationship, by any means. I am just saying that you should take the word “you” out of your vocabulary when you are fighting. “You” will never get the response you want when you scream it at your partner.

1.”You” never take out the trash.
2.”You” are always working.
3. All “you” do is watch tv.
4. “You” never help me with the laundry.
5. All “you” do is shop.Now, let’s take the “You” out and see what we get!!

1. I would really appreciate it if you took the trash out more.
2. It would be so nice if you came home from work a little early tonight.
3. I would really enjoy spending time with you without the tv on.
4. It really makes my day when you help me with laundry.
5. Instead of shopping, why don’t we go to a movie?

There are probably dozens of other tips out there to teach you how to fight fair. I just wanted to touch on a few that hit home for me. Remember, when it comes to fighting, the most important thing is communication. The two of you need to learn how to communicate effectively and also compromise. I know of several “healthy” relationships and all of them involve both communication and compromise. If you have applied all of these tips and you are still having trouble fighting fair, please visit www.drphil.com.

P.S.- Comments Are Appreciated!