Would you believe me if I told you that I used to be a player? Oh yes, yours truly! I spent so much time in player mode, I mastered the skill. Of course, this isn’t something I’m proud of and don’t talk about often but it was a chunk of my life. Honestly, if you could look inside a player’s mind, you might be surprised at what you will find. They seemingly are the most egotistical people with the most insecurities. They need instant gratification and constant admiration. Being adored by one person isn’t enough, the more people they have wrapped around their finger..the better they feel. Selfishness and insecurities drive people to thrive in player mode. They don’t really think about other people’s feelings because they are only tuned into themselves and their needs. You see why I’m not proud to say I used to be a player? On the surface, players seem to be really ‘wanted’ people but it’s their manipulation that draws others in, it’s not because they are “a good catch”. So, are you wondering if you are involved with a player?
1. Is there cell phone always on vibrate?Mmm, sounds fishy. Why are they so worried about the phone ringing. Okay, I must admit- back in the day when I was in player mode..I didn’t have a cell phone. Don’t laugh. This probably made things a lot easier but if a guy came to visit, I never answered the phone when it rang. Why? There was no telling who was on the other end. I didn’t want to get stuck in a conversation with one dude while another dude was visiting. If the person you are seeing is shady with their cell phone, this is a red flag. Of course, my SO always has his phone on silent and I think I’ve seen him answer the phone once or twice through out the relationship…things that make you go mmmm.
2. Do you catch them in little lies? Look, I’m going to be the first to admit that I suck at lying. I never was really good at it. I would more less hold back information rather than lying. If you are dating someone and you catch them in small lies, you must wonder what else they are lying about. If someone takes the time and energy to lie about something small..you better believe they are going to lie about something big. Oh snap!
3. Do they tell you what you want to hear? This was my secret weapon. I knew what they wanted to hear, so I made sure I said it. I spent most of my time stroking their ego which in return made them like me more. If someone is saying the perfect things from day one, look out. Of course, there are a number of people who are really sincere but if you have someone telling you everything you need to hear and you have a gut feeling, always go with your gut. Players spend a lot of time telling victims sweet things, the victims are so taken back, that they get blind sighted.
4. Do they take you out in public? Why would I want to go out in public with you when there is a chance I might run into boy #3? It would be too much of a risk. A player feels more comfortable staying indoors watching a movie because it’s safe. If someone is not taking you out in public, this is a huge red flag. If you ask them to go out with you and they squirm, be sure to run.
5. Do they flirt with other people in front of you? I was never one to flirt with guys in front of another guy. I always thought this was rude. Yes, I did have some player morals. If someone is willing to flirt with another person in front of your face, please tell me what they are doing behind your back.
6. Do they call you at a certain time?Unless they are anal, you might be put on a schedule. If they seem to call you at the same time every day/night then you might be involved with a player. The schedule might look something like this:
3:00 pm- Sarah
4:00 pm- Lisa
5:00 pm- You
6:00 pm Lacy
7:00 pm Elise
7. Do they disappear for days at a time? It’s hard juggling so many people at once. It’s no wonder that players sometimes forget to call someone. When someone is talking to so many different people it can get confusing and sometimes one or more people will be put on the bottom of the list. If you are involved with a person that can go several days without talking to you, they might just be a player.
8. Do they have trouble making plans with you? Players have trouble setting something in stone because they are always afraid that something better is going to come along. Players don’t really make plans, they just go with the flow. If someone will not ’set a date’ with you, it might be because they have set it with someone else. Also, you might be dealing with a player if they break plans with you over and again.
9. Have they invited you home to meet the parents?A player will never take you around their family. A player is not looking for commitment and meeting the family screams ‘commitment’. This is another red flag. If you feel as if they are hiding something from you, then they probably are.
10. Do you feel as if they are too good to be true? If someone seems to good to be true, they probably are. Players are pretty good at not showing their flaws and seem to make the relationship all about you without opening up and giving a piece of themselves.
I have been on both sides of the playing field. I have been a player at times and have been played a dozen more. No one deserves to be duped like this. No one deserves to be strung along and had their feelings toiled with. If you have a strange feeling, a gut feeling that something is wrong..it probably is. Remember that relationships should make you feel somewhat secure and they should be enjoyable. If you are always wondering what’s really going on, it’s not worth it. If you find yourself trying to play detective, it’s not worth it. Now that I’m all grown up, I look at my player mode as just a lost moment in my life. Remember, players are just insecure individuals that usually do not love themselves so they need constant love and admiration from a number of people to make up for it.
03/21/09 Dating 30 Comments
I married a player LOL And yeah, he stayed a player. And then he knocked up one of his flings, and we got a divorce. Still close to him, we still have a lot of *fun* together, and yes, he’s still a player. I’m realistic about that, always was. His girlfriend, however, isn’t so realistic about that LOL
Oh wow, “Dear lord, please do not let me marry a player, Amen”. That’s always been one of my fears is hooking up with someone that is a player. Of course, I played around when I was younger..we’re talking 17-23 but when you get a certain age..I think it’s time to hang up the “player mode” and some how settle down. He’s still a player? Maybe it’s genetic lol
youre stupid for still fucking him, dirty pigeon
don’t be crude, it’s not your place to judge.
Not judging, just telling it like it is.
Ahhh, I have dated my share of players. Never was one myself. Now that I’m no longer of “player” or “playee” age, I call them “groovers”. You can spot them a mile away. Male or Female. Thinking they are too cool 4 school (I’m aging myself with that saying). God should have a flashing red light above their heads. “WARNING, You’re about to lose minutes, days, months, years of your life”
I don’t date players anymore, either. lol At least, I don’t think I do. I think, with age, we learn how to spot them out better. You don’t see too many players my age these days. Most of them have grown up and out of it, but of course some don’t and never will. Bless their hearts.
Now take what you just said and apply it to your previous post. I know, I know, easier said than done.
Drew
Oh Drew, you are a wise one!
Oh, yeah, he’s still a player, at 34. It’s a self-esteem issue. He was the dorky outcast in high school, but he aged very, very, very well, and is a charmer now. He’s making up for lost time, I guess… LOL
Wow, “dork” turned “player”. Mm, 34? He should have already been through his player stage, unless he is just ‘coming into his skin’. Believe me, he’ll get tired of it eventually and want to settle down…or maybe not. lol Some men are perfectly fine being with a different lady every night. It does wonders for the self-esteem. I would like to think that eventually he would rather stay in one place and with one woman to form some sort of connection. Who knows, he might always be chasing that next high.
I love the tips for spotting a player. You are right on. The one that really sticks out is does he have a hard time making plans with you. Wow! You would think we would be able to figure that one out. The one about disappearing for a few days is hilarious. I actually know someone in a relationship like that and I try to hint to her that ummmm, something, ummmm something may be up
Thanks for sharing the female players perspective, I find it rare to come across. I also see many similarities between male and female player styles. And congrats on changing your ways
Spotting a Player is easy, what about someone who has awesome Game? BIG difference between the two kinds of folk.
I would love to hear your opinion about the difference between a player and someone how has a lot of game! There must be an extremely fine line!
Great Article! I really think the one about catching them in little lies hits the nail on the head. You asked how to subscribe to my blog.
Here is how: http://www.queenofthedirt.com/feed/
Hi Fellow Queen! Thanks for stopping by, I’mma run over and subscribe!
Some tops tips for spotting a TRUE player before you end up in a relationship with one!!
-He is not outcome dependent as he has so many options. So take note if he takes a while to respond to messages. This is just a game for him, he doesnt NEED to always win.
-He plays himself down while at the same time managing to highlight desirable attributes therefore giving them more gravitas.
-He is extremely comfortable in your presence. No signs of nervousness or anxiety on a first date.
-He doesnt attempt to kiss you on the first date, and in turn creating more sexual tension and desirability. He knows he has created a spark of chemistry and will wait. Why settle for sparks when you can have flames?
I will post some more soon. Hope this helps
Fonzie
First real tips for spotting a pickup artist ive seen. Go Fonzie
ofcoz he could just be a confident guy with alot going on. There is a difference between a player and some guy who has game. many players have it naturally and havent read about it, and alot of people who study seduction are not really players even tho they are better with women then most self-taught player types. The problem is that the game is like 10k years old. no way to tell if its learned from a book or natural (taught by his father or by coincidence figuered it out on his own)
Whoa, I never thought of a ’self-taught’ player. I thought you were either born or player or you weren’t. Mmm, maybe it’s a skill that comes with time, something that is mastered.
Some tops tips for spotting a TRUE player before you end up in a relationship with one!!
-He is not outcome dependent as he has so many options. So take note if he takes a while to respond to messages. This is just a game for him, he doesnt NEED to always win.
-He plays himself down while at the same time managing to highlight desirable attributes therefore giving them more gravitas.
-He is extremely comfortable in your presence. No signs of nervousness or anxiety on a first date.
-He doesny attempt to kiss you on the first date, and in tufn creating more sexual tension and desirability. He knows he has created a spark of chemistry and will wait. Why settle for sparks when you can have flames?
I will post some more soon. Hope this helps
Fonzie;
learning pickup/seduction changed my life. I used to hate women now i love them
Trying to screen out people who have studied this stuff (have game) is like screening out every guy who turns you on and makes you laugh, bad idea lol. Flirting should be taught in sex-education in school imo.
Im out of the game hopefully for life coz this girl is amazing!.. took me awhile to find the right one tho. and I still enjoy making people laugh and making girls feel special (all girls including the old woman that works at the diner!).
I am torn. I knew this guy was a player he has always been honest, I met him at a party and left with after he was there with another girl. He has opened up to me so much and told me things that I know he would never tell just anybody. They are little dark secrets. He always makes the comment that he wonders can I be so cool after marriage. I have know for the last 5 months of us being together that he still sees the other woman, but was kind of sucked in on a pipe dream that he never felt they could end up in a realtionship. Now it is NYE and I find out the wedding he went to for the week is with her. Why do I feel so bad I did this to myself I left a party with a man who came with another woman. I guess after time I thought things would be different between us.
My ” player ” played me for 6 yrs before i knew the truth of the matter , When i dumped him , he acted like it was he that was done with me … as if !!
Poor Lucy, this guy is totally playing you. He’s using you because he can. He gives you crumbs to keep you hanging on so he doesn’t have to be alone, all the while playing other women as well. I am sorry he’s breaking your heart and I pray you find the strength to leave him and not be stuck in a marriage with him. If he really loved you he wouldn’t see other women, PERIOD! You say he’s honest with you, yeah right…if he gives you tidbits of truth mixed with lies, it’s still lies. Sorry girl, dump this asshole and if you make the mistake to marry him, I hope you don’t commingle your finances with him or bear his children…what an ass hole, I hate selfish people who use others like that!
Players always lose because they can’t connect with love. Actually, I just thought of this, because I (within the 90 day time frame) finally identified a man I really liked as a player after two dates…they manipulate and control and they are out of control inside (insecurity). It is a sickness, sort of an addiction, to prey on women. They’re out for sex or money, and if they don’t get one or both, they’re gone. I wonder just how many years a player can live with the memory of some beautiful women who loved them for themselves and carry on with their cheating hearts, knowing the impression was made and the women knew who they really were either all along, all at once, or after the disappearing act. It’s stealing, really and very emotionally unhealthy for a woman. They hit you just when you believe they recognize your unique qualities or share something deep…men are just dumb. In some American Indian societies, the women do the choosing, and that’s it. We are way too fooled by “men have the power” thing. I’ve taken back my power and even then some, having studied this game I will warn every woman that Italian men are macho, delusionally entitled, brutal, verbally abusive and sick. Give me a nerd with a pure heart and I’ll be happy. He won’t want my sex or my money; he wants to take me out and have fun, watch sunsets, play guitar on the beach, buy groceries, not get bored, not have hang ups, just enjoy life while we have it. He’s into me because I’m beautiful and one of a kind. Amen. Sorry this got so long-winded, I just had to write it out.
Thanks so much for this discussion. I have gotten somewhat involved with a man who I think is a player. One of the things that has been stated here is so common with him and that is he leaves messages and then I don’t hear from him for a day or two. Another thing he does is he uses like short one-liners that I have felt he probably uses with various women. Never my name just “I really love you” OR “you’re so beautiful” OR “you’re so precious to me”. And that’s it until next time. Lines that he probably picks out for the day and sends to a dozen or so women until the next day or even the next week. Even though he says he “loves me” I may not hear from him for a week.
I’m not young and neither is he. We have never met but rather only talked on the internet. I think that he has this mind set that to play a women he must talk about wanting to take care of her and cherish her (me) and he obviously has not heard a word I have said about me being very independent. So thank you all for substantiating what I already felt to the case.
Hey Queen, I posted an article on the player and used your blog as a source!
Hope you don’t mind…I didn’t copy anything, your blog was just apart of my research. Here’s the link, if you want to read it.
http://quizilla.teennick.com/stories/16867885/how-to-spot-a-player
Ladies Beware!~Here’s some more info so that other women don’t fall for internet dating players. The one I met does the following:
1. Is on multiple Internet Dating sites including at least 1 naughty chat site
2.His dating profiles have very little info up about him ( no pics apart from nature ones etc ) and shares almost nothing about himself
3. Describes himself as looking for ” a very good friend” and “just wanting to have fun”
4. Flatters like crazy in online chat
5. Takes ages to respond to emails and only ever writes a witty line or 2
6.Has more than 1 email address and uses more than 1 surname
7. Sends 1-2 word texts
8.Always has his phone in his pocket & on vibrate
9.Avoids making definite plans, instead just ‘goes with the flow’.
10.Disappears online for a day/2 at a time
11.Is ‘recently online’ on another dating site not long after you were chatting to him online
12.Is sexually over the top on your first meeting
13.Forgets what he’s emailed you
we were talking about marriage etc.. but apparently that wasnt what he wanted(maybe it was – having his cake and eating it too).. his phone was always on vibrate but i met his family, friends introduced me as his wife.. we were together for 6 years. He cheated, we both (me and the other) have a child with him. When he begged to come back for over a year, I gave him another chance only to find out he was cheating on me again with his other baby mama.. hard as it is, i have to do whats best for me and my child. that is not an enviroment that fosters security. (Ask yourself what will his next parting gift to you be?? HIV??)