The Queen of Relationships

Holy Moses, I think I have figured it out. After doing loads of research and trying different formulas, I think I have come up with the magic formula for remaining single…forever. Forever is a long time though, right? Just imagine it, you won’t ever have to answer to anyone, you’ll have all the free time in the world, you can come and go as you please, you don’t have to worry about picking up dirty underwear off the floor, …hell, you might not even have to cook anymore. Are you excited? I mean really, relationships and dating are so overrated anyway, right?

<comes back to reality> Okay, so who wants to do all of that “til death do us part” gibberish? *raises hand* You know, I don’t know too many people that want to be single forever. Of course, there is a small minority and most of them will be bachelor/bachelorettes til the day that they die, more power to them. But, for most of us, we are all looking for the ying to our yang, the ham to our burger, the meat to our pie, …get it? Mmm, I love meat pies. If you want to remain single forever, I suggest following this list accordingly. If you do not want to remain single, you might want to read the list and see if you can relate.

Talk About Your Biological Clock: We all know it’s ticking. You are having extreme ‘baby fever’ and it’s written all over your ovaries face. If you want to remain single forever, you’ve got to set the alarm on your ‘clock’ to go off every time you go out on a date. Example:

<You’re out to eat with a date at a local diner>

“Mmm, this food is so tasty”,she said.
“I know, I’m so glad we came here,” he said.
“Whoa, do you hear that”, she said.
“No, hear what?”,he said.
“Tick Tock, it’s my biological clock”,she said.
“Check, please”, he said

You must talk about your clock every chance you get and how you’re not getting any younger. You don’t even have to wait for the ‘right’ time to have this discussion. Bring it up on the first date if you like. Yes, the sooner you bring it up the better. While talking about your clock, be sure to mention a few baby names. They need to know that you are serious about this and have mulled it over and planned it accordingly.

Leave Out Medications: The first place, I’m sure, that every man wants to look is the medicine cabinet. Men want to know if you have the ‘crazies’ or not. They want to know what they are getting themselves into. Look, I’m not talking down on mental illnesses. Believe me, I know all about them. It doesn’t matter if you have Bipolar II, Mania, Depression, OCD, General Anxiety, Panic Attacks, PSTD, etc. If you want to remain single forever, you must expose yourself in the first few dates. Be sure to leave your medicine out on the counter so he can see it. Feel free to take them with you on dates and try to pop lithium during conversation. Hey, telling him you’re Bipolar is a great conversation starter, right? If you hear voices, be sure to answer them back during the date.

Have Several Kids:If you want to remain single forever, I suggest you go ahead and get started on this one. Does Octo-mom ring a bell? Letting a man think that you run a small orphanage will send him on his way. You can’t just have three children from the same father, this will not work. You must have several children from different men. Trust me, this works every time. Also, on the first date, you need to explain that you are looking for a father for the children, a care taker. Again, having a small number of children will not work..you must think big!

Have Several Cats:Yes, I know you are a animal lover and that’s great. You need to start rescuing every single cat that you can. Be sure to stock up on loads of kitty litter and food. For some reason, men are extremely hesitant to date someone with a great number of cats. I haven’t done the research as to “why”, it’s just something I’ve heard over and again. Some people (not most) that have a large number of animals tend to trust the animals more than they do people. Okay, I’m not talking about everyone..it’s only a small handful. When you meet for dinner, you must let him know how many cats you have. You must go on and on about “kibbles” and “froo froo” and “dixie”, as if you have nothing else to talk about. You must make it seem that the cats are your life. Please tell him to refer to you as “The Cat Lady”.

Live In The Past:Living in the past will keep you from moving forward with a healthy relationship. You need to always ponder on the bad relationships you have had. You must strive to think about all the negative things that have happened to you. No matter how hard you want to let go, you must not. Living in the past will be painful and you really will not want to trust anyone, must less date someone.

Be A Bitter Betty: You must go on and on to  a man about how crappy life is. You get extra points for talking bad about your exes. Again, you must focus on the negative and forget about the positive. Being positive will not help you to remain single. You must gripe and whine about everyone and everything. Try to gripe about your job and how you hate it. Think about ways to gripe about your friends and how they aggravate you. Every chance you get, complain about how fat you think you are. The more insecure you look, the better.

Spill The Beans: If you are wanting to remain single forever, you must spill the beans on the first few dates. Spilling the beans refers to telling all of your dark and intimate secrets. Secrets include: how many sexual partners you have had, molestation, rape, black mail, abusive parents, abusive relationships, insecurities, fears, etc.  Topics like these usually don’t come up until later on down the road, so if you tell him in the beginning..it will totally freak him out.

There are probably a hundred other tips as to how to stay single forever. I just wanted to touch on a few of them. Being single forever might sound like loads of fun but you must really know what you want before you go into ’sabatoge’ mode. If you don’t want to be single forever, I suggest you study the list and make sure you aren’t do any of these. This list is a sure fine way to keep you single forever! Good Luck!

Good Read: “How To Stay Single Forever”