The Queen of Relationships

Getting rid of a guy is fairly easy. Most of the time you can just say, “I’m not into you”, or “It’s not you, it’s me”. Sometimes they just don’t get it or maybe you don’t have the courage to face him. It takes a real woman to tell a man  that she doesn’t want to be with him anymore. It’s much easier to go the passive-aggressive route, right? So, if you lack the balls (which I hope you do), you should follow my advice. If you are wanting to come across as an extreme psycho, please follow and use every single one of these steps. Are you excited? You are on your way to becoming a crazy, loony, nutty, wacky, demented and delusional psycho. You go, girl!

*Warning: This post is for entertainment purposes only. If you try to act out any of these tips, please go to your nearest mental hospital*

Day 1:
Call Him As Much As Possible:

Guys love to talk on the phone, right? Um wrong. The last thing a guy wants to do is sit on the phone for hours holding a intellectual conversation with you. Of course, some don’t mind this but they are few and far between. Today you will begin your phone marathon. Be sure to get your fingers ready or better yet, just put him on speed dial. Start calling him the moment you wake up. If he answers, just hold a short conversation with him and let him go. Call back immediately and ask him what he is doing. Eventually, he will start avoiding your calls because you are annoying the hell out of him. You are doing great! Now, it should be going to his voice mail. Leave as many messages as possible.

Examples:

“Hey, just calling to see what you were doing”
“I miss you, baby”
“It’s me again, are you there?”
“Why aren’t you answering the phone?”
“Why aren’t you calling me back?”
“Hey baby, just seeing what you were doing”

Be sure to leave so many messages until his voice mail is full. This will allow others not to be able to get in touch with him or leave him a message and this will irritate the hell out of him. This is something you need to do everyday until the day he dumps you. If you slack at all you might lose the chance of..well, losing him.

Day 2:
Always Question Him:

Before you begin your ‘question’ journey, you must be prepared. Get out a pen and some paper and come up with every aggravating question known to man. Look, you have to be as insecure as possible. If calling him nonstop isn’t enough, you must kick it up a notch. Start questioning him about anything and everything. If he didn’t call you at 12:00 pm like he said he would, question him. If you haven’t seen him since ten minutes ago, ask him where he’s been. If you seem him talking to a girl, ask him, “Who the hell is that bitch?”. Be sure to ask if him if he likes you at least five times a day. If he tries to tell you that he does, tell him that you don’t believe him. Ask him why the two of you don’t have sex more and accuse him of cheating. Ask him if you are pretty and if he tells you that you are say, “Are you sure?”. Ask him to validate the relationship and tell him that you need to know where the two of you stand. Do this at least once a day. Once you have reached the bottom of your ‘question’ list, go back to the top and repeat.

Day 3:
Talk About Your Exes As Much As Possible:

This is a good one. This will literally make him want to pull his hair out. Hey, bald men are hot, right? You need to make sure that you talk about your exes as much as possible. It is extremely important that you compare him to every single boyfriend you have ever had.  Be sure to tell him that all of your boyfriends were psycho and crazy and you were the only one that was sane. Explain to him that even though they were crazy, they still did things that you enjoyed that your boyfriend doesn’t do. Tell him he doesn’t send you flowers like “Bob” did. Tell him that he doesn’t call you all the time like “Danny” did. Next, tell him you wish he were as good in bed as “Tom” was. It’s a must that you tell him that you are still friends with all of your exes and you talk to them on a daily basis and sometimes go out for coffee.

Day 4:
Talk Like A Baby:

It’s probably a good idea to start doing this before day one. You will want to make sure that you talk in a extremely high pitch voice. You also need to make sure it’s whiny as hell. Be sure to whine and drag out the word “baby” every time you say it. You must say “baby” before and after every sentence. You don’t have to talk like like this all the time, just when you are whining but be sure to whine a lot. Besides tone, you also need to talk to him in baby gibberish. Talk to him like as if you were both two years old. This will drive him wild and not in a good way. Try to say, “Does my itty bitty baby want to cuddle uddle wuddle?”. Or say, “Who’s a big boy, you are!” You must make sure that you do all of this in your whiny, high pitch voice..if not, he will not get the full effect.

Day 5:
Don’t Impress His Family:

Most people are very concerned about what their friends and family feel about their partner. In your case, let’s hope he’s extremely close to both. When you meet his family for the first time, make sure that you are wearing the shortest skirt that you can find. Also, you need to wear a tight top and a push-up bra. Wear as much make-up as you possibly can, cake it on.  Please make sure that your boobs are hanging out, don’t be afraid to show a nipple.When you are visiting, be sure to pretend like you dropped something, oops, and bend over right in front of his Dad. You also need to make sure that you drop the F bomb at least four or five times while visiting. Some other things you can do is: grab his balls in front of the parents, whine in front of his parents, talk to him like he’s a child, talk about how you love your job as a call girl, etc. Also, spend a lot of time trying to stir up drama in the family. Listen to everything that his parents/family/friends say and then twist it and turn in into something it’s not. Play the “He Said, She Said” game. You don’t really have to lie, you can just accidentally “misunderstand” something someone said.

Day 6:
Totally Freak Him Out:

This tip is even more so important than the others. On this day, as if you haven’t freaked him out enough, we are going to go in for the kill. Even though ya’ll have only been dating for a month, we are going to throw a bit of crazy up in the  mix. I want you to start telling him that ya’ll are soul mates. I want you to tell him that he is the one, the one that you have been waiting for all of your life. Explain to him that you can’t live without him and that you are in complete love with him. Don’t expect a reply, you probably won’t get one. He’s too busy urinating on himself. After you have confessed your love for him start talking about marriage. Go buy a bunch of wedding magazines and start showing him the dresses that you like. Start telling him that you’ve already picked out the bridesmaids dresses and that you want a wedding on the beach. If he hasn’t peed himself by now, push a little harder and go for the baby topic. This is where you will tell him that you are ready to have kids with him. Tell him that you at least want
six kids. Be sure you already have the names picked out so you can show him how ‘prepared’ you are. After you finish telling him all of this, in your whiny baby voice ask him when the two of you are getting married. If he doesn’t answer, start drilling him about why, when, where and how. Also, refer to him as your “husband; add baby talk if you would like.

Day 7:
Don’t Give Him Space:

You must consume all of his time. Make sure you make plans with him in advance so he never has a chance to see his friends or family. He is going to be as miserable as hell. Another great idea is after he has begged you to let him spend time with his friends, let him go. You need to be sure to find out where he is going. As soon as you give him enough time to get settled in with his friends at the determined location, drop by just to say “hi”. Be sure that you are wearing the same outfit that you wore to his parents. You know, the short skirt and tight top. When you stop by to say hi, go on and on about how you miss him, again in a whiny voice. From now on, every time he ask or tells you he’s going somewhere, ask if you can go with him. It doesn’t matter if it’s to the grocery store, to the post office, to work, or to the bathroom. You want to be there every single second. Pretty soon he’ll feel so suffocated that he will be dying to get a breath of fresh air.

Day 8:
Talk Bad About Other Girls:

One of your main goals is to show him that you are totally insecure. You want to bash every single girl that passes, even if it’s his mom or his sister.
You need to go on and on about how a certain girl thinks she’s “all that” and maybe throw in that fact that she is a slut, whore, gold digger.. even if it his mother. While I’m on the topic of other girls, try to locate a few of his exes. Try to find them on myspace, twitter or facebook. Once you found them, give them 20 questions about what it was like to date them. Then, you can nicely tell them that they need to stay the heck away from him or else. Inform them that he is 100% happy with you and that he told you that they were all horrible girlfriends. Tell them that the two of you are planning on getting married and that pretty soon you are getting a ring. It doesn’t matter if he hasn’t talked to these exes since high school. You must learn how to stir the pot. Eventually, some of this will probably get back to him and he will be floored.

Day 9:
Stalk Him:

By now, he’s probably losing his mind and going bonkers. He is going to do whatever it takes to get a little break from you but don’t give it to him. He probably thinks that the safest place for him is at work. Not anymore, buddy. Show up at his work with flowers and tell him that you were lonely and were thinking about him (in whiny voice). Show up at the gym where he works out and start working out next to him. Tell him you had no idea he was going to be working out. Follow him in your car as much as possible. Try to wear a baseball cap so you can look as if you are trying to keep him from realizing it’s you. This will totally let him know that you are being sneaky and stalking him. Of course, the fact that he knows it’s you and your car will lead him to believe you are a total dumb ass which will be another plus for you. If you really want to stir the pot, catch him when he’s eating lunch with a client and bust up the conversation. It won’t be long before you will have him running for the hills. Are you starting to feel psycho just yet? Great!

Day 10:
Have Bad Personal Hygiene:

If you haven’t gotten rid of him by now, he’s either a soldier or desparate. Now, it’s time to go in for the kill. This is when you let yourself completely go. Try to see how long you can go without washing your hair. You want to go for the ‘grease ball’ look. You will want to quit shaving all together. Do not shave under the arms or your legs. Please wear sleeveless tops and try to lift up your arms as much as you can. Again, since your aren’t shaving your legs you will want to wear short skirts to show off your furriness. Also, do NOT shave “down there”. You want to look as if you’ve got buckwheat in a headlock. It’s probably a good idea to load up on garlic and start consuming it. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to go back to your old self soon but he is about to reach his breaking point. Do not brush your teeth and be sure to kiss him as much as possible while you are giving him whiny baby talk. This is not the time to primp and look pretty. No make up, okay?
It’s day ten. By now, your boyfriend should have dumped you if he hasn’t already. He will now see you as a psycho lunatic and will probably never call you again. You must be 100% positive that you want to get rid of him before you do these steps. I can tell you that this “Lose Your Boyfriend” plan is 100% satisfaction guaranteed. I do not know one person that has tried this and failed. If you have done all of these steps and still can’t seem to get rid of him, you might want to consider moving out of the country, change your identity, or fake your own death.

P.S.- Comments are appreciated!