The Queen of Relationships

In my last post “How To Keep Your Man”, I had a lot of men respond asking about the flip side. I am only assuming they are asking for “How To Keep Your Woman”. Come on guys, you know what you need to do. I am willing to bet that 95% of you know, you just don’t want to do it. Hey, I’m not coming down on the men because women are the same way. We all know what it takes to impress one another but we just get into our comfort zone and all the rules go out the window. Let me be the first to tell you that relationships are hard work. You should wake up every morning and say, “What can I do to make Bob happy?” or “What can I do to make Sally happy?”. I know it sounds cheesy but it really works. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the more you put into a relationship, the more you get out of it. Don’t believe me? Try it for a week and see how things go, come back and tell me how it went. If it didn’t work, I’ll eat my foot. (Disclaimer: This post will not work on high maintenance woman)

Take Her Shopping: Ring a bell? There’s nothing like the sound of a credit card being swiped. Cha-Ching. Excuse me, there’s nothing like the sound of YOUR credit card being swiped. Do you want to make a woman simply adore you? Take her on a shopping spree. I’m not asking you to take her to Tiffany’s or to the Louis Vuiton store. I’m not asking you to blow thousands of dollars on her. Hell, take her to Walmart if you want. Wait, no..don’t do that. There’s just something about a man taking a woman shopping. When I go to the mall and see a couple together with the man holding all the woman’s bags, I think to myself..”Now, there’s a REAL man”. Look, you don’t even have to buy her anything, just go along with her and watch her try on clothes. She’ll eat up the attention and might give you a little present when you get home.

Call Her Baby Girl: Eeeck, I love it when a man calls me by a pet name. Call me cheesy but I just can’t help it. It takes a man with huge balls to spit this out. Most women loved being called pet names. Sometimes we feel as if you picked out the name especially for us, even if you called all your exes by the same name. Examples of pet names are: Baby, Baby Girl, Baby Doll, Sweetie, Precious, Sweet Baby, Honey etc.

Tell Her She’s Pretty: Why would you NOT tell your woman that she’s pretty? Every woman needs to hear this. I don’t care if she is a super model from England, she still needs to hear it. Even if she is as confident as they come, she still needs to hear it. She needs to know that the man she loves is into her. She needs to know that you find her attractive. No, you can’t just tell us we’re pretty once and then be done with it, we forget. We forget that we are pretty and we need to be reminded. Most insecure men have trouble telling women that they are pretty. Don’t be insecure, if you think she’s pretty then tell her. If you don’t think she’s pretty then lie…I mean, then why are you with her in the first place?

Open All Doors For Her: I don’t care if you are 18 or 92, you should always open doors for ladies. Okay, so you don’t have to open ALL doors for her. I think she might look at you a little weird if you were opening the bathroom, closet and fridge door for her. You get my point, though. Come on now, be a lady’s man. I promise you will get hundreds of cool points. Again, this is not something you can do once. This has to be done pretty much all the time. Please don’t tease us by opening the doors every now and again. This will only confuse us.

Send Her Flowers: Um, hello genius…what woman doesn’t like to get flowers? I admit I hated getting flowers for a bit because the only time I ever got them was when I got cheated on. Of course, I’m over that now. Sending her flowers will let her know that you took the time to think of her. You took time out of your day to pick out beautiful flowers and send them to her. You will be “The Man” if you do this every so often. You can’t do this all the time or it will lose it’s flavor. You should possibly try to do this at least once a month. You want it to be somewhat of a surprise and you never want her to get to the point where she expects it.

Let Her Go Out With The Girls: Dude, if you are not letting your woman have “me” time, you should be spanked. Give your woman some space and allow her to catch up with the girls. Don’t worry, she’s not going to get into anything. They will probably just grab a few drinks, go shopping, catch a movie or talk about the latest “he said/she said”. You know what would be cool? If you offered to watch the kids so she could go spend time with the girls. Oh, how sweet of you. You would be the “Man Of The Year”. I know, you are probably freaking out but I’m not talking about every weekend. You know, just every now and then. You want it to be special not expected. We don’t want her walking all over you, now do we?

Tell Us Your Feelings: Why is it so hard for men to tell their feelings? I know, I know you weren’t brought up that way. If you want to keep your woman, you have to be honest and open with her. Women love a man who can express his feelings. This is extremely healthy and totally attractive. I know you have no trouble expressing your feelings when you are mad, this is not what I am talking about. I’m talking about the days that the two of you are getting along, express yourself. Tell her why you are with her. Tell her why you love her. Share with her those deep feelings, put your guard down and quit worrying about getting rejected. Please be vulnerable, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Be Affectionate Towards Her: There’s nothing like a man’s hand touching my body. Hell, I don’t care what you touch. You can touch my big toe for all I care, just as long as you touch. Women need touch. We need touch to feel that connection to keep the romance going. If you are unaffectionate, this is something you ‘really’ need to work on. The only woman that is going to be okay with you being unaffectionate is the ‘unaffectionate’ woman. Most all women love to be held and caressed. We love to feel treasured and pleasured. Please don’t be afraid to love on us in public. I mean, don’t go jamming your tongue down our throat, a nice peck on the cheek will do. Come on, hold our hand, slap our ass…please,…. give us something.

Ladies First Please: Look, I don’t care if you are a minute man or how long you can last..there is NO reason that you should not wait for your woman to have an orgasm. It’s not fair for you to jump on top of us, get yours and then get off. How is that fair? You got all the pleasure you need and now we are more frustrated than before we even started having sex. What’s so wrong with taking time to please your woman? Please don’t ever think that just because your winky is in her that she is 100% satisfied. You aren’t THAT good. Okay, so maybe you are..but still. Show her that you care and that you want to take time to make sure she is satisfied. I mean, what man doesn’t want their woman to be satisfied? Take pride in knowing that every orgasm she has from now on will have your name all over it. Tip: Don’t be afraid to bust out the vibrator.

Ignore Her Bitching: Look, we’re women and we like to bitch, okay? It’s just what we do. Well, not all women but most of us. You’ve got to learn how to filter the bitching. It really takes a real man to learn this process. It’s called “selective” hearing. Let it go in one ear and out the other. I must warn you that you can only let bitching go in and out, if you allow other statements that require a response to go in and out..you might be in big trouble and then you will be the reason for the bitching. Whatever you do and I do mean, WHATEVER you do…never say “Stop your bitching, “Quit your bitching”, “All you do is bitch”. Only say these if you are in the mood to hear more bitching.

Give Her Undivided Attention: Yes, please. I’ll have the hamburger, a large fry, small Coke and YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. Get the point? We need you to listen to us. You don’t have to acknowledge the bitching but you do need to acknowledge the fact that we are talking to you. Oh, so the game is on? Pause it. Oh, so you don’t have Tivo? Turn it off. Women need to know that they are heard. We don’t like telling you something and then have to repeat ourselves ten minutes later. Why don’t you try to come home from work a little early? Why don’t you plan a fun getaway, just the two of us? Why don’t you just listen?  You must give us attention, we crave it, we need it…now please give it.