The Queen of Relationships

You probably have seen the movie, “How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days” or maybe you read my blog about “How To Lose A Guy In A Week”. It’s pretty easy to get rid of a guy considering that most of us do things that scare the hell out of them. Losing and getting a guy is the easy part, it’s trying to keep them that seems to be a challenge. So, maybe you have found the man of your dreams and you are trying to figure out how to make him stay. Well, it’s not the easiest thing in the world but I’ve come up with a few tips of my own to keep him coming back for more.

Cook Like A Pro: You have probably heard that in order to get to a man’s heart, you’ve got to go through the stomach. Look, I’m not saying that you have to be Betty Crocker but you do have to cook. Most men grow up thinking that women were born to cook. Umph, I wasn’t. My mother never took the time to teach me how to cook. I spent most of my college years eating noodles and hot pockets. So tasty. The chances of you getting the hang of cooking immediately are pretty slim, that’s why you have to practice. Honestly, most of my practice meals ended up in the dog’s bowl. Go purchase an easy, step-by-step cookbook and take baby steps. Even if your meals aren’t spectacular, he will still appreciate it. Hey, it’s the thought that counts. Tip: Be sure to taste all of the food before you serve it so you’ll know whether to put it on the table or throw it in the dog’s bowl. I will never admit that one night I ‘ordered’ out and pretended that I cooked it. It was delicious and the best dish I ever “cooked”.

Let Him Go: Look, just like you need time with your girlfriends..your man needs time with his..um boyfriends? Don’t be an insane psycho who tries to keep him by the side 24/7. You are going to smother the hell out of him. So, he wants to go hang with the boys? Just let him go. You need to give him the chance to miss you. You can’t stay up each others butts all the time. You need time away from each other. You need to show him that you have your own life and that you don’t count on him to make you happy. Go out with your girlfriends, do some catching up on the latest gossip, go to the movies, go out for drinks, etc. So, he wants to go to the strip club? I never really understood why men need to go to the strip joint when they have their own ‘personal’ vagina at home. If you want to keep him, let him go….he eventually will get tired of it. If he doesn’t, let him go…as in dump his ass!

Love The Mother: Ever heard the term, “Fake it til you make it”? This is where you will pretend over and again that you actually like his mother that soon it will feel like second nature. Whew, this is a tough one..especially since his mother is Satan’s spawn. If he is still sucking on the tit, you better believe that if you don’t get along with mamma then you are eventually going to get the boot. “Ain’t nobody happy unless mamma’s happy”. Get my drift? Play nice and bite your tongue. Of course, you might be biting your tongue for awhile if you plan on being with your mate for the long haul. What’s the magic potion for dealing with a toxic ‘mother-in-law”? You kill them with kindness, works like a charm. They absolutely hate it but they can’t charge you with anything because all you have been is…well, kind.

Just Say No To The “C” & “M” Word: If you want to keep a man, it’s a good idea to never even think about saying these little words: commitment and marriage. You’re man will run like his ass is on fire. Men have always had some sort of fear of being tied down. Even if they are in a ‘unspoken’ committed relationship with you, they usually don’t want to confirm it. Why don’t you let him bring up these two little words? I mean, if he’s really feeling you then he will eventually bring it up. If he doesn’t? Say buh-bye.

Never Go Shopping: You will seem like the coolest bitch on the block if you admit you hate to shop. Honestly, I really DO hate to shop, but that’s just me. Most women do like to shop, though. If you want to annoy the hell out of your man, take him on a shopping trip. Please be sure to purchase as much as you can on his credit cards and then make him follow you around the mall, holding your bags. Look, shopping is for the birds girlfriends. Do not take your man on a shopping spree unless he asks you to go. Some men might not mind going shopping but most would rather pull their eyelashes out.

Pamper Him: What man does not like to be pampered? I’m sure they all do. What HUMAN doesn’t like to be pampered? You need to make your man feel special. Give him the quality time he deserves. When he comes home from a long day at work, be waiting for him when he enters the door, sit him down and start giving him a back or foot massage. The next time the two of you go out to dinner, you pay. Of course, don’t ever let him get used to this because then it won’t be as special. Pick a night out of the week to cook his favorite dinner. Does he like beer? Always make sure there’s a six-pack in the fridge. A good way to pamper a man that most women probably don’t think about is some “alone” time. Some men like to go off in their own little world and don’t like to be bothered, give it to him. “Alone” time is completely harmless and can sometimes be good for the relationship.

Do Not Call Him Pooky: I know, I know you are dying to call him Pooky. You want to scream it from the mountain tops because he is, in fact, your little pooky. He might think that it’s cute in the bedroom…hell, he might not even think it’s cute at all. If you must call your man by a pet name, do not ever do it in public. This is the quickest way to embarrass a man. It’s bad enough that they have to listen to it at home, why the hell would he want to be called “pooky” in front of the guys? You probably should consider just calling your  man by his original name instead of coming up with some ‘baby cakes’ replacement. Men like to be men, they like to feel mannish and calling them names like pooky, baby cakes, froo froo and Mr. Penis Wrinkle somewhat attacks their  manhood. Don’t be the attacker, put pooky to rest and call him Bob. Tip: I am going to go out on a limb and say that pet names for peni is okay. Who doesn’t have a pet name for their man’s penis? As long as it isn’t winkie, stinky, Mr. Smalls, itty bitty, teeny weeny, or Mr. Thumb…then you are in the clear.

Turn Over The Remote: Look, I’m just saying…if you want to keep your man you gotta learn how to turn over the remote. When men get home from work, they usually want to relax and watch a little tv. They might want to catch up on the news or sports. Just let him do it as long as it’s not the playboy channel..then we have a problem. I mean, it’s just television. You aren’t going to die because you missed an episode of Sex In The City or Desparate Housewives…well, you might but it’s highly unlikely. Tip: Give him the remote and let him think you are kindly letting him have the television. He doesn’t have to know that you tivo’d all of your shows earlier that day.

Don’t Blow His Phone Up: Most men do not really like to talk on the phone. Of course, in the beginning of the relationship, you might have stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking on the phone. This probably will only last a month, if that. When you talk to men on the phone, most of them like to get to the point of the conversation and then hang up. Don’t call your man 500 times a day to tell him that your butt hurts, your hair won’t work, you miss him, you want to know when he’s coming home,  etc. The only reason you should call him is to tell him you have a flat tire or ask him what he wants for supper. Again, separation is good for a relationship. You want to give him a chance to miss you to keep sparks going. He can’t miss you if you are blowing up his phone non-stop.

Always Look Fierce: Yes, you’ve been together for months now. Look at yourself. The hair is up in a clip, the make up is off and you are in sweats. Get yourself together, girl. You should never stop trying to impress your man. Yes, there will be times when you are going to bum around together but don’t make it a habit. I’m not telling you to go to bed with make up on, I’m just saying. You need to look good for your man. He probably was attracted to you in the beginning because of your booty beauty, don’t help him lose the attraction by bumming yourself out. Making yourself pretty will not only turn him on but it will make you feel great about yourself. There’s just something about getting dolled up, it’s great for the self-esteem.

Live Your Life: I spoke about this earlier in the “Let Him Go” section. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean your life stops. Men do not like women that cling to them once a relationship starts. You had a life before him, you should have a life during the relationship just like you will afterwords. It’s very important that you take time to yourself and spend time with your friends. You do not want any man thinking that the world revolves around him. This will  make him extremely nervous. You do not want your man to think that he is what brings you happiness. While he should be a part of your happiness, he shouldn’t be the primary focus. Please continue to stay active. Do not change your activities just because you are in a relationship, just work the relationship into your activities.

Let Him Be Right: Look, I’m not telling you that this is right..I’m only here to tell you how to keep your man. Doesn’t every one think they are always right? This might be extremely hard for you to do if you are strong or hard headed. Just let the man think he’s right. There’s no reason to argue over it. I mean, yes..you can plead your case but then shut it down. Do not go on and on about how he’s wrong and you are right. Most men really don’t want to hear that they are wrong. You don’t have to agree with him but you don’t need to get in a huge fight because you think he’s wrong. It’s a waste of breath and time. Just let him think he’s right and it’s smooth sailing.

Boost His Ego: This is a good one. Men need to be stroked. Don’t be perverted now, I’m only talking about egos. You need to lift your man up. You need to compliment him. Men love compliments. They love to be told that they are good at something. Tell him he looks handsome today. Tell him his ass looks great in those jeans. Whatever you do, don’t boost a guys ego because you want your own ego to be boosted. It won’t happen. You must boost with no strings attached. Tip: By pass all the other sappy compliments and go in for the kill, tell him he’s the best lover you’ve ever had!

Fulfill His Needs: Yes, I saved this one for last because it’s important. You need to make sure your man’s needs are always fulfilled. Yes, I am talking about that cute, I mean, big penis. Let’s face it, men just love sex. Can you blame them? It’s fun, it feels good and did I mention it’s great exercise? Be sure you are available at all times for sex. Again, I’m just telling you what you need to do to keep your man. Be adventurous in the bedroom. Don’t be afraid to try new things and every now and again wear something sexy for him. If you aren’t into oral sex, you might want to rethink it. If I were a man and my woman asked me what I wanted for dinner..I would say “chicken spaghetti and a blow job”. Always remember that most men love a classy woman during the day but a freak at night. I’m not a man, but I’ve heard that a few times…I’m just saying.

So, there are probably a hundred and one ways to keep your man but I just wanted to touch on a few of them. Again, I do lack a penis so I can’t go on and on about how to keep men but I can talk about what I have experienced on my own and what I’ve learned. The best thing you can do to keep your man is give him unconditional love and treat him with respect. You should treat your man just as you would want to be treated. Before you go on a mission to try to keep your man, you might want to make sure that he’s worth keeping.

PS- Comments are Appreciated!!!