The Queen of Relationships

Holy Batman Balls! So, you’ve been seeing thisdude for a few months now and he’s finally popped the question! No, that “THAT” question but the “Parent” question. “So, wanna meet the parents?”. I know what you’re thinking, “Hell no, I don’t want to meet your parents, I’m not in the mood to be tortured!”. This is what you are thinking but this is what comes out of your mouth, “Oh, sure baby cakes”. FAKER! Okay, so before you meet the whole fam damily.. you must prepare! You could possibly be entering a war zone so you must be armed and ready. There are two directions a ‘family introduction’ can go…good or bad. Look, I can only give you the tools to use, it’s up to you after that.  Oh, if you are looking to get rid of your man the best thing you can do IS make a horrible first impression. If this interest you, let’s talking about how to scare the hell out of his parents. Oh, goody goody gumdrops, this is going to be fun.

How To Scare The Hell Out Of His Parents 101

1) Dress Like A ”Pretty Woman”: Yes, you know what I’m talking about. You know, Julie Roberts? Pretty Woman? Hooker? It’s important that you find the shortest skirt in your closet. If a booty cheek is not hanging out then it won’t work. Also, the more cleavage the better. The better the chances are of a nipple popping out, the better off you’ll be. Parents love nipples! Feel free to talk about your exposed nipples at the dinner table. Tell his parents how each nipple has a name.  “The left nipple is named Oompa Loompa and the right nipple is named after your son”. Aw, how sweet. Who can resist the “nipple” conversation?

2)Flirt With His Father: You must be sure to flirt with the dude’s father. If his father isn’t there flirt with his brother. If his brother isn’t there, hell, just flirt with his mother. When you first walk into the door, go straight to his father, give him a huge hug while rubbing your boobs on his chest, then reach around and grab his ass..saying “Oh, so firm”. You need to make it seem that you are more into the dude’s father than the dude himself. Things that make you go hmm.

3)Forget Your Manners: Who needs manners anyway? They are so overrated. During dinner, it’s important that you let out the hugest burp known to man. During your burp, you should say “I’m in love with your son’s tinky winky”. If you can not burp this out, think of something shorter to say that is repulsive. Also, if you would like to “fluf” (pass gas), please feel free to. Just be sure that as soon as you do it, look around the table and then blurt “Whoa, that’s gonna leave a mark”.

4)Piss Off The Mother: If you really want to ruin things, go straight to the Queen. “Ain’t nobody happy unless mamma’s happy”. At dinner, look at his mother and say “Boy, you sure know how to make’em”. You can also make comments about her big booty or how her brocolii casserole taste like a horses’s ass. The booty comment probably won’t get to her like the casserole comment will. Women are weird about their cooking capabilities.

5)Treat Your Dude Like A Two Year Old: You need to boss the dude around. Totally disrespect him in front of the parentals. “Did you wash your hands?” “Do you need to go potty?” “Did you eat all of your veggies?” ….That’s a good boy, then pat him on the head.

How To Really Impress His Parents 101

1)Dress Accordingly: Look, I’m pretty sure it isn’t going to be ‘happy hour’ at mamma’s house so don’t dress up like you are going to a club/bar. You don’t need to dress like Sarah Palin either. You must find a happy medium. Do not show booty, do not show nipples. If you want, you can go in your nun outfit…this will get a lot of laughs and will make his mother feel safe knowing that her son is never going to get laid.

2)Be Nice To Furry Friends: Look, pets are people to. Usually, parents get pets after the children have gone off to college and they treat them as if they are one of their own. You will get warm, baked brownie points if you sucker up to the pooch. “Aw, what a cute dog..what’s its name?”. Be sure to show the dog attention and pet it. This will show the parents that you are compassionate.

3)Mind Your Manners: When you are at the dinner table, there will be no fluffing, burping, smacking or picking. Please save all of this for when you get back home. Be on your best behavior. It’s probably a good idea to bring a dessert, this will show that you are considerate. Be sure to address the parents by Mr. & Mrs. and be sure to use your “Yes mam and No sir”. It’s also a great idea to help with the dishes afterwards. Don’t wait until someone asks, just go ahead and do it. You can DO it!

4)Engage In Conversation: Don’t just sit there like you are speechless. Try to join in on the conversation. Of course, don’t talk too much, you don’t want to seem like a motor mouth. Just make sure everything that comes out of your mouth has some importance to it. No one wants to hear you go on and on about how your butt has gotten big and how you ate too many calories that day.

5) Connect With The Mother: Take time to connect with the mother. Hey, what mamma says usually goes. I can tell you that if mamma don’t like you, there’s a good chance that you might get the boot. Whatever you do, do not act fake. Women can pick up on this in a second. You will only create a red flag if you do this and your character will be questioned.

6)Treat Dude With Respect: You should do this anyway but def. do it in front of the parents. Be kind to him because the parents are watching your every move. Ask him if he wants something more to drink and get it for him. They will be watching you to see if you will be good enough for their son.

So, whether you are trying to impress or distress…these are just a few tips that you can put in your pocket. It’s not that hard to impress the parents, just be yourself…unless “yourself” is a psychotic look then you might want to seek professional help before the “Big Day”. Tip: Prozac helps.