Shh, Did you hear that? What is it? Oh no, someone just got dumped! Every 2.9884 seconds someones heart gets broken. Um, I basically just made that up. It could happen though, right? All around the world, people are being affected by the ”Oh, Snap I Got Dumped” disease. No city, region, state, or country is immune to the dumping disease. People all over the world are crying in their cheerios right about now. Some are screaming, “Why?”, some are screaming, “What went wrong?”, others are screaming, “What’s wrong with me?”, but most are screaming, “What The #*$&?”. Can you blame them? Who the hell likes to get dumped? Look, it ain’t fun and it sho nuff ain’t pretty. There are probably three things that run through someones mind when they get dumped. 1) how can I get revenge 2)how can I get over it or 3) how can I get them back?
There are several things you can do to try to get your ex back. First of all, why do you want to get back with that punk anyway? I mean, come on, he straight up dumped you to your face and left you crying in your fruit loops. I hate fruit loops. Getting dumped will play silly mind games on you. You will all of a sudden think you can’t live without this person and you seem to fall more in love with them than before. Crazy, uh? You can’t stop thinking about them and you are two seconds away from creating a full blown psychoticobsession. You can’t eat, you barely sleep and you look like hell. Every time the phone rings you, you think it’s them. Every time you get new mail in your “Inbox”, *sigh* it’s not them. All of a sudden you’re world is revolving around this punk, but why? It seems to be more about getting rejected than the feelings for the actual person, not all the time but most of the time. Listen my child, you must make sure you actually want this person back before you start on your “You Will Date Me Or I Will Kill You” journey. Hey, maybe there was a reason the two of you broke up, maybe it was a good reason. You need to do some silly soul searching to figure this out. In the meantime, I’ve outlined a little plan for you to follow err, or not follow.
The “Psychotic” Way To Get Your Ex Back
1.) Tell Him You’re Pregnant: I put this one first because this is my favorite one. Oh, yes it works like a charm, not that I have ever done it but you know, ‘word on the streets’. Look, you can’t just come out and say it at first. You’ve got to do a little beating around the bush. Send him a text and say, “I’m worried, I’ve been really nauseated lately and my nipple tingles”. He will then probably wonder why you are feeling this way. Obviously, he’s not a genius (because he dumped you) so it might take a little bit of time for it to sink in. When he finally has an “AHA” moment, he will so concerned about you being pregnant that he won’t have the time to pimp after other girls. This will buy you a few more months with him. Of course, when he finds out the truth he will think you are a psycho look but at least you got those extra months, right? Those are months you wouldn’t have had if you didn’t tell him you were expecting. It’s a boy!
2.)Start Dating/Doing His Best Friend: Oh yes, this one hits’em where it hurts. There’s nothing like going inside a man’s circle and recycling yourself with his friends. Remember his friend that always flirted with you? Take advantage of it, fool. Remember all the freaky things you did for your man? Well, now he has to imagine you doing the same with his best friend, ouch! What a fabulous mental picture, right? If you really want to rub it in, you can text him and say, “Man, I love your dingy dong” and right after text, “Oops, sorry wrong person”. Works like a charm, so I’ve heard.
3.)Call His New Girlfriend: Girls gotta stick together, right? You would hate to see another girl take something that was yours, right? Oops.. I mean, you would hate to see another girl get treated like you did, right? Try to find out who the new skank is. Find her on the web and shoot her a message. Tell her that you’re glad that he finally found someone but be kind and warn her that he’s really tough to deal with when he’s having a ‘flare up’.
4.)Start A Rumor: This will have him thinking about you in no time, especially when his friends go back and tell him the news. Try to find one person that is in his inner circle and peep a rumor. Tell them that your ex has the dicky did disease, where his belly hung lower than his dicky did. There is no limit to what you can say. You were blessed with creativity, use it! If you can find away into the inner circle, post a bulletin on facebook or myspace. If this doesn’t work, go straight to him and say, “I heard that rumor that you have herpes, do I need to get checked?”. This way he will assume that everyone is talking about him and it will make him insecure and possibly might confide in you. Oh look, more time to spend with the ex! Eat it up!
5.)Stalk Him: “Out of Sight, Out of Mind”, right? Well, we surely don’t want this to happen. You don’t want your ex to forget about you, now do you? This is why we need to constantly remind him that you exist. Put together your thoughts and formulate a list of places he tends to hang out at. It could be work, the gym, church, his therapist, AA group, chat rooms, networking sites, places to eat, the barber, the post office, etc…I think you get the point. You need to be sure that he sees you at least four times a day. We want him to be reminded of how beautiful you are and what a terrible mistake he made. You don’t have to worry about approaching him and talking to him, just walk by him and smile..this should be enough. Note- If there are days that you are unable to stalk, let flowers and cards take your place.
6.)Call His Family: Calling his family is a great way to get the ‘word’ back to your ex without you ever having to talk to him. Oh, this works great, especially if he’s a “mamma’s boy”. Call his mother and inform her what is going on with the relationship. Tell her that you have no idea what happened but you love her little boy and you only want what’s best for him. Remember, kissing ass will get you brownie points with the mother and the ex. Remind of her of that terrible green bean casserole she cooked for Thanksgiving, tell her how awesome it was and how you would love to get the recipe. Calling the mother is a recipe for success, if you’re lucky she might go back and try to ‘force’ the ex to getting back with you. Who cares if he was forced, at least you will have him back, right?
7.)Have Sex With Him: This is the number one way to get your ex back. I mean, with your smooth moves and great looks…there’s no way he could resist. Jump in bed with him as soon as you get the chance. Don’t worry about the fact that he called you a ‘psycho bitch’ two days early, that’s water under the bridge. Try some new moves on him, act wild and scream his name in capital letters! Bite him, slobber on him and whisper dirty nothings into his ear. You need to make sure your calendar is empty because you need to be available for sex at the drop of a hat.
The “Healthy” Way To Get Your Ex Back
1.) Stay Calm: The last thing you want to do is scream out “Why, dear lawd, why?”. You must stay as calm as possible. Please do not start crying, I know it hurts. Hold it in. You need to come across ‘cool and collected’. If you make a scene and go psychotic, this will only confirm is reasons for breaking up with you. If you are chilled about it, he might just be like “Damn, she took that pretty well..now why did I break up with her?”.
2.)Leave Him Alone: There is no reason to constantly call, text, email, singing telegram your ex. He’s obviously made up his mind and no amount of calling is going to help, only hurt. You need to give him time to mull it over. You never know, he might have second thoughts and you don’t want to ruin your second chance by going psycho on him. Just let him be. Give him his space. Heck, if he does call..don’t answer the phone. Try to wait at least two days before you call him back. You want him to think that your world does not revolve around him. If you are too eager to contact him, he will see this as you being way too available and guys don’t like this.
3.) Find Out The Reasons: Yes, I know, I told you not to scream “Why?” and I meant it. It’s totally uneccessary for you to push the drama button once you’ve been dumped. But, I think you do deserve to know why he has broken up with you. You should probably give it a bit for the intial shock to wear off and then confront him about it. Yes, I know, I said Leave Him Alone and I meant it but this is an important question. As long as you are contacting him to learn the answers to this questions, it’s okay. Don’t get into an arguement with him about the reasons. These are his reasons and his opinions. You need to listen to what he says and see if they are valid are not. Is there a few things about yourself that you possibly need to work on? Are there some things that you did that you would do different the next go around? Having the ‘reasons’ are important, not just for getting back with your ex but for future relationships. If there is something you need to change or work on, get to it! You might not get your ex back in the end, but you will be a better person for it!
4.)Don’t Try To Make Him Jealous: I know, it always feels good to make someone else jealous. Of course, we always think that it’s going to work out in our favor but it usually doesn’t. Sometimes we make them jealous just to see if they still like us or not but sometimes if they see us with someone else, they will assume that we have moved on and they will never turn back.
5.) Returning Items In Timely Manner: If you have any items that belong to your ex, put them to the side so you can give them back to him. Do not even think about burning them, throwing them on the lawn or ripping them up. Also, please refrain from dosing his items with your favorite perfume.
6.)Life Your Life: Yes, it’s hard living your life after you have just been dumped. The world seems to stop but ..you know, it really doesn’t. Don’t stop doing what you love to do. Now’s the time to catch up with friends and your hobbies. Sometimes you lose your identity when you are in a relationship, so now you should take advantage of this time to find out who you are again. Don’t let yourself go, remember to take care of yourself. Give yourself a week or two to grieve at home and then get out of the house. You are going to grieve regardless so you might as well be doing something that you enjoy.
7.) Better Yourself: Think really hard about the relationship you just got out of. What would you have done differently? Would you change anything? Are there a few things about you that you would change? Well, now that you have some free time why don’t you work on some ‘me’ time. Maybe you have some unresolved issues that you need to work on or maybe there are some insecurities that you need to tackle. Hey, there’s no time like the present. Instead of focusing on “him”, focus on yourself, focus on the things that can make “you” better. Think positive!
8.) Move on: I know you are probably thinking, “How is moving on going to get my ex back?”. I really don’t think any man is going to want a woman who allows him to be the total center of her universe. I mean, it’s nice and all but they want to know that you have your own life. If there is any thought of getting back with you in his life, seeing you moving on with yours might just do the trick. Remember- moving on doesn’t mean that you have forgotten about him, it’s just a new phase in your life without him.
So, you are probably wondering, “How in the heck do any of these tips help ME get HIM back, they all seem to focus on ME and not HIM?”. You’re right. Look, if the two of you are meant to be…it will be. First of all, there is nothing you can really do to change his mind or change him, period. Who can you change? Yep, you are the only person that can change you. It’s okay to start focusing on yourself, it’s okay to want to better yourself for the next person. Please don’t sit around and wait for him to come running back to you. You will be wasting valuable time. You need to keep yourself busy. Also, you say you want your ex back..why? Maybe you should do some soul searching and make sure that you really want him. Sometimes rejection plays funny games on us. I used to cry over my ex because he dumped me and I didn’t even like the dude. Give yourself some time to get over the rejection and then come back and ask yourself that question, “Why do I want my ex back?”
P.S.- Comments sho are appreciated!
03/30/09 Dealing With The Ex 38 Comments
You are funny and so brilliant. Your healthy method is the best way to handle a breakup, and your psychotic method is flat-out hysterical (although people have definitely given it a shot).
I’ll have you know that I just about pee’d my pants reading the “Psycotic way.” lol
I like the last part though, and when I do give advice, it’s usually along the lines of the person changing themselves or something about themselves.
I’ve never been dumped, but that’s probably because I have never been a mac daddy, a player, the man etc (hmm I just got depressed!) go figure, but I have seen the effects on those who have been dumped and it’s never pretty. You give good advice here-good job!
Your Psychotic ways were so funny, but unfortunately very accurate in the lengths that some women are willing to go to. I think that many of the healthy ways probably won’t get your ex back, but they will help you grow as person which is much better. After all, you broke up for a reason so it’s probably better to move forward rather than backward.
You missed nothing…Loved every word!!! You had me giggling…Thanks for writing what we all think, want or have done xoxo…
I just stumbled upon your blog via Twitter (malach126). Where were you in August??? Needless to say, you are getting a link on my blog, and I’ll be following… DAILY!!!
And yes, GET YOUR CERTIFICATION!!!!
Steph- I’m so glad we found each other. *sniff* You had me at hello, I mean tweet tweet! Thanks so much for the link, this makes me extremely giddy and I’m so flattered!
The psychotic reasons are hilarious! I love it!
Oh, I’m glad you liked it. lol I try to put a pychotic twist on all my writings. I think we all have a little psycho in us, that’s what makes life so fun, er.. I think. I enjoy reading your blog, many kudos!
Great Blog design – wonderful post! I have done or know of someone who has done all the psychotic ways.
excellent advice that’s very difficult to follow when your in “the thick of dumpsterville”
Thanks so much, I love my new design..I’m so proud of it! I think we all have “those” friends that have done psychotic things. No, I have never done psychotic things in my life, not never (hehe). *sigh* I’m sure there are some things in the past I wish I wouldn’t have done but hey, you live and you learn. You’re right about advice being hard to follow, man, it’s so easy to give it but hard to swallow your own.
When you are on the verge of tears, think of everything wrong with him!
You are hysterical. I watch my daughters do a combo of the psychotic and the rational, and I tell them to move on – especially since they ex’s say all manner of nasty crap nobody should have to hear. EVER. Remember those things, you won’t want him back.
Oh yes, I remember this one dude that I used to date who was all wrong for me…I finally sat down one day and got out a piece of paper and on one side I wrote “Good” and on the other “Bad”. I then proceeded to write all the good and bad things about him. I think there were like two good things and a million bad. It was a no brainer and you know how I love no brainers!
I think it is every .000976 seconds!
Good ‘healthy’ way. Moving on is the best advice. Someone they come back when you really are truly over them.
It’s so funny to me, b/c sometimes I used to think I really wanted someone after we split and by the time they finally “saw the light”, I didn’t want them anymore. Funny how that works.
Lol, girl! You are too funny with the way you write things out. I’ve definently seen people do some of the psychotic things, though. They seem to work, lol! But my motto is, an ex is an ex for a reason!
Girl you are right. I don’t think I would ever get back with one of my ex’s. I say “Let the past be the past and move forward”. Looking forward to you writing another post on your blog!
That’s awesome! I think I have had a girl try everyone of the Psychotic ways on me. Especially the preggers one. What is up with that???
You know, I’ve never done it but saying your “preggers” is a girls last attempt to keep you after she’s tried everything in the book. It’s sad to see people stoop so low but sometimes it’s their only choice.
Hehe! You really MUST be the queen!!! You had me on your twist on the latter part of your article. Well, I’d have to say it’s totally a good point.
haha, Sorry that I had to sucker you in! Thanks for stopping by!
I remember when [ex] Husband moved out, I kept doing the, “Oh God, I have to get him back… what can I do…” crap. Now that I’m way, way past that? He can’t keep his hands off me LOL When I got to the point that I did not want to get back together with him, he relaxed, and we got to a point in our relationship where we are comfortable. I’m moving forward in my life, independent, and he likes that. And I realize I so don’t need him. Of course that doesn’t mean I can’t have a whole lot of fun with him…
It’s the clingy, psychotic, blubbery, “Oh God my life is over without you…” that really pushes ex’s into becoming permanent exes. And really, you have to look at *why* the relationship ended, and what you need to change before it could ever work out. Because you can’t change them, you can only change you.
A friend of mine recently broke up with his live-in girlfriend. Some of her methods of trying to win him back included:
* Making a pros and cons list of why they should be together and reading it to him. “We both like black cars!”
* Leaving all her stuff at his place months after she moved out.
* Visiting when he’s not there (to “pick up some of her things”) and strategically repositioning photos of her around the apartment so everywhere he goes, there she is.
* Spraying his pillow and bed with her perfume.
It didn’t work.
Stacey- I like the one where girls leave stuff at the dude’s place. I can’t believe she sprayed perfume. Did he think that she had gone completely bonkers? lol
I love this post! How many of us have tried those pathetic tricks only to eventually (hopefully) realize he was the one who was pathetic and didn’t deserve you!
Miss Attitude- I am so guilty of going after someone that really wasn’t even worth a damn. In the end, I finally figured it out and like always he came running back, by then it was too late and I was so over him.
If you really want to win your man back, you need to make a slight modification to Step 2. Instead of waiting 2 days to return a call, you should instead shut down all communicaion for at least 3 weeks. This means: don’t pick up your phone, don’t return his calls, block him on all social networking sites and ignore all his friends as well.
Tip: Most people are not 100% sure of themselves when they break up with someone and have a tendency to second guess their decision. Unfortunately, many of us will chase after our ex’s incessantly which gives them the security of having someone to run back to if their new fling doesn’t work out. Doing the exact opposite, however, will usually force the person to reflect on their decision RIGHT NOW, as opposed to months from now, and can potentially lead them to change their mind.
Imo, this is the best way to not only get someone back as quickly as possible, but to get them back the RIGHT way i.e. where they come to the conclusion on their OWN that you’re the only one they want to be with.
Don’t forget that when something we enjoy purchasing is about to be taken off the market, it quickly becomes the world’s hottest commodity in our eyes. Think Elaine from Seinfeld and her contraceptive sponges.
Jay- You are so right about “Purchasing something that is about to be taken off the market”. We all want what we can’t have.
Hey The Queen.. The healthy way of leaving him alone #1 is the best way. When me and my ex of a 2 year 2 month relationship broke up what I did was try to keep myself busy so I would not think about him. [hanging out with my friends, working, spending time with the fam, shopping, improving myself (when I said improving myself I meant making myself look better so if we ever bump into each other he would regret it. which he did because we accidentally bumped into each other in the theaters while we are both on a date with someone else), etc.] It helps. I did not call him, or have any contact with him. And 5 and a half months later (i know that is a bit long but so what I had fun without being under his control) he called me and messaged me and basically stalked me just to tell me he wants me back and he wants to be with me and make me his everything. I told him “Back OFF!! You had a chance to be with me before and you threw it away and now you will have to suffer with the fact that you lost something valuable in your life and knowing you can never get it back no matter what.” It felt so good. I got my revenge and at the same time I was able to move on. I am now dating someone new and am happy about the breakup cause after the breakup I realize the relationship was unhealthy and he had a lot of flaws.
Tammy- You are a perfect example of what “TO” do after being dumped. Look inward, better yourself, move foward…they eventually will come back, most of them always do.
Hey, Tammy, very true as you said, why to worry for that person who has dumped us when they does not care for us then we should look forward for new life waiting for us, good one keep going.
This was a great article and worth the read. The one that woked on me from my EX was she told my daughteer I had a small dinky. It took a long time for me to get over that one, and several dates telling me including my new wife the I was fine and the pleasure from dinky was really great.
But for the insecure this works like a champ.
I can’t believe she had the nerve to tell you she had a small winky dinky. We all know that it’s the motion in the ocean, not the size of the boat. Shame on her!
You sure covered the subject completely, not much left to say…Great Post.
yes, this can help to all the guys and ladies out there. the The Queen of Relationships » Blog Archive » How To Get Your Ex Back is helpful to you.
This is all good. But I’m a guy who wants to get my ex back…how do over her back?
Tony, I don’t think getting an ex back varies too much between men and women. Also, it depends on the reason for the break up and the situation surrounding it. If my ex wanted me back, the first thing that I would need to know is that he wanted me back. Sometimes some of us are oblivious to this fact and if we don’t know, we might assume it’s 100% over. Again, each situation is different. I can handle an ex ‘planting the seed’ and letting me know that he is considering trying it again but it depends on how much time has passed since the break up. I could only handle the ’seed’ and not him calling me all the time, trying to convince me, trying to prove to me or showering me with attention and/or gifts. While I’m sure we would all soak this up, it will eventually turn into pity and not wanting to get back with you. Sometimes it’s okay to say “I would like for us to try again” but that’s it, you’ve got to let it go and let nature take it’s course. Anything after this statement might run your chances into the ground. If you have screwed up, broken trust- we need to be left alone to gather thoughts and regroup. There’s nothing you can do in such a short amount of time that will change anything so it’s not worth your time trying. What I mean by this is- getting on one knee and begging, saying you’ve changed, acting desperate, etc. The one thing that sucks about getting your ex back is that it’s not as immediate as you would like. It’s going to be on her time and not yours. If she says she’ll think about it, leave her alone and let her think. If she says no, leave her alone and let her think. She needs time to miss you and remember the good times, but as long as you are constantly there, being a constant reminder- it will push her further away.
Hi
many thanks for that. i think the latter is what i am doing…we no longer work together which helps. basically she broke up with me because she wanted more…the old its not you its me. it was hard because i fell in love with her and got soft and let her walk all over me…that i know now. She comes to me still when things are bad at work and i do what i can to get her back in order. our relationship was a big secret because we worked together, only a few knew. few weeks ago we all went out and her friends joined us too, friends i had met when we were dating. so last week she was out with them and she spent 30mins listening to them talk about me and how such a great guy i am, i knew how she was feeling at this stage but then they said if it was ok that they can still be friends (think she said yes to that wasnt there) so i asked her how did that make you feel when they said that, she said she felt bad…rather the other word she used was guilty! she is very challenging which was something i said to her from the start i like challenge and she is.
[...] wrote a post awhile back about “How To Get Your Ex Back”…I know what you’re thinking, why did I just waste your time with complete bullshit if there [...]