The Queen of Relationships

Most people aren’t born with ‘pimp’ skills. Most men are completely clueless as to what women want. Most men have no idea what it is that a woman needs. Look, I’m not going to lie, being a woman myself sometimes I am clueless as to what I want and need. Men need to realize that sometimes we are going to be emotional, sometimes we might be bitchy and sometimes we just might not make any sense. The kicker is how men respond to us. Give me a man that even ‘pretends’ that he understands me and I might just fall in love. If you are looking to pick up a woman or looking to keep your current lady, here are a few tips to put in your pocket:

1)”You” Ask Her Out: God gave you balls, use them. Don’t get your friends to do the dirty work for you. Aren’t “you” the one that is interested in her? Getting one of the ‘guys’ to ask a chic out for you only makes you look like a total weenie. Somehow you must find the courage to ask her out. Please don’t let your voice shake when you do it, we don’t want to know that you feel like a scared little second grader. Also, do not text a girl and ask her out, this is bad form. The best ways to ask someone out is in person or over the phone. Don’t be afraid, the worse she can say is “No”. If this happens, I promise you there are a million other girls out there that would love to date you.

2)You Choose The Destination: It’s usually up to the guy to coordinate the date. This is when you will have to figure out where you will go and what you will do. This is where you use your spidey senses. You probably need to talk to her on the phone a bit to get a feel for what she likes. You don’t want to make plans to go to the opera when she hates it. You don’t want to get tickets for the game if she hates sports. Try to get a feel for her personality. It’s okay to ask her what she would like to do but don’t throw it entirely in her court. It’s hard enough to have to find something to wear, get our hair did, get our nails done and then try to get ready. We definitely don’t want to be burdened with trying to figure out the plans for the date. Tip: Do NOT go to the movies for a first date. This is the worst idea ever. How can you get to know someone in a movie theater?

3)Turn Your Cellphone Off: Yes please, put it in your pocket, mmk? If you want to make us feel that we aren’t the center of attention, keep talking on your cellphone during our date. Come on now, that’s just rude and crude. What is so important? Please do not take cellphone calls during your date. Also, please no texting either. It’s probably just a good idea to turn it off completely.

4)Chivalry Is Not Dead, People: This is a great way to get your foot in the door with a woman. Honestly, when a man opens a door for me, I always get warm and fuzzy. My man and I have been dating for over six months and he still opens the car door and other doors for me. If you want to make a good impression on the first date, open all doors. If you are currently dating someone now, start doing this. You might be surprised by her reaction.

5)Talking About Yourself: Yes, we know, you love yourself. That’s great but we really don’t want to hear about it. While you are on your date, keep it to a minimum when you are talking about yourself. I’ve been on several dates where the men would go on and on about this, that and the other. I sometimes wondered if they realized I was even sitting there. Try to engage in conversation. Yes, it’s fine to talk about things going on in your life but we’re not here to talk about you. You are on this date to get to know this particular woman. Well, ask questions…get to know us. Think about some things you want to ask us just in case the crickets start chirping. What are her hobbies? What are her goals? What about her family? Where does she work? Tip: Do not spend a lot of time talking about work, we will begin to think you are a workaholic.

6)Show Her That You’re Funny:  Women love a man that can make them laugh. Ever see those hot girls with ‘not so’ hot men? Well, it’s usually because they are funny or um, they have money. Don’t be so uptight all the time. Show her that you can crack jokes and laugh at yourself. If you find that she is laughing through the date then you are probably scoring some major points. Just be sure that she is laughing with you and not at you. Story of my life.

7)Don’t Compliment Her Too Much: Yes, it’s a must that you tell her she’s pretty. If you start to go on and on about how gorgeous she is, she will freak out and think you are creepy. It’s all about moderation. I’ve been out with dudes that did nothing but compliment me the entire date. Of course, it was flattering at first but then it got really annoying. Look, you’ll never win okay? Whether you compliment us too much or don’t compliment us enough, we are going to probably bitch. I am only speaking for myself. You must find a happy medium.

8)Don’t Kiss On First Date: I know, I’m cheesy but come on. Okay, you can kiss on the first date only if you are 100% sure she is going to kiss you back. Imagine how embarrassing it would be if you went in for the kill and she just gave you a pat on the back. Ouch. You might want to get to know someone a little better before you try to jam your tongue down their throat. Of course, a peck on the cheek is nice and hugs are even better. Don’t rush things, you’ve got all the time in the world.

9)Keep Your Weenie In Your Pants: The worst thing you could do is try to get into someone’s pants before they are ready. Yes, I know, you are feeling it but is she? Most women have to warm up to men before they sleep with them. Well, not all of them but most. You don’t want to look as if you are some sort of horn ball that hasn’t gotten laid since high school, right? If you are looking for a ‘relationship’, why would you want to sleep with someone so soon anyway? You know if she gives it up you are just going to go to the next person. Why don’t you add some spark to the relationship by allowing tension to build up between the two of you. Please keep your weenie in your pants until the appropriate time. If you can’t seem to keep your weenie in your pocket, maybe you should take matters into your own hands.

10)Call Her The Next Day: Look, I’m not trying to play games here. If you like the girl and she likes you then it’s okay to call her the next day. If she really likes you she is going to be excited to hear from you. On the other hand, if you aren’t sure how the date went..please use the three day rule. You know what I’m talking about. Wait at least three days to call her, okay?

11)Don’t Come Across As Needy: None of us likes a needy man. My ex was really needy and I felt like I had a puppy dog up under me the entire relationship. He always wanted me to tell him this or that. It wouldn’t have been a problem if he didn’t beg for it so much. Even if you are a little needy (which is okay), please don’t show it. It’s pretty much a turn-off to us unless we are co-dependent and that’s another blog in itself.

12)Don’t Call Just To Say Nothing: You stare at the phone for hours trying to get enough courage to pick it up and call us. When you finally do get the courage, we answer and then you have nothing to say. Um, buzz killer. Please do not call us with nothing to say. This is just awkward. I know it sounds cheesy but I always made a list of conversation starters before I talked to a dude. Hey, it works. Whenever things got quiet, I would look at my list and start conversation again. Okay, so I did it in high school.  Yes, it sounds nerdy. Look, if you do this just don’t tell anyone about it. It will be our little secret.

13)Let Her Pick Up The Tab: No, not on the first date silly. Don’t get offended if we want to pick up the tab every now and again. We want to show our independence, at least I do. Once you are in a relationship and feel comfortable with one another, it shouldn’t be a big deal to let us get the tab. On the other hand, don’t expect it to happen all the time and please don’t ever get use to it. It’s just something sweet we like to do but not all the time.

14)Don’t Talk About Other Women: Look, you’re not hanging out with the “boys”. There is no need to go on and on how  good looking ’so and so’ is. I used to date a guy that would stare at girl’s asses as they walked by us in the restaurant. He would also go on to tell me hot they were. This chapped my ass. I found it very disrespectful. If you want to be with those hot women, please go be with them and leave me alone. I, personally, don’t want to hear about it. It’s rude and it’s wrong. Save the ‘babe’ talk for your guy friends.

 15)Don’t Break Dates: If you make a date with a woman, you had better keep it if you don’t want to end up on her “shit list”. There were countless times that I would get ready and sit at home waiting for my date to call and come get me. I am still pissed to admit that some of them never showed up. To top it off, they would call the next day as if nothing
ever happened. Um, hello? It’s called standing someone up. If you are really into a girl, you better think long and hard before you stand her up and break dates with her. It’s one thing to give her a week’s notice but another thing to cancel an hour upon your arrival.

16)Don’t Be Cocky: I know you are hot stuff, we get it..but you don’t need to remind us. This is the biggest turn-off for me. My previous ex was extremely cocky and arrogant. This screamed ‘insecurity” to me. There’s no need to be cocky. Trust me, even if you “ARE” the shit, people will know and you won’t have to tell them. Oh, know that if you are cocky you CAN get a woman but she is probably going to be pretty shallow.

17)Don’t Be A Sloppy Drunk: Ew. None of us want to date a guy that can’t handle his liquor. There’s nothing worse than going out on a date with a drunk. If you like to drink, that’s cool. I know you will probably be nervous but try not to throw too many back. You will end up paying for it with us and in the morning with a hell of a hangover.

18)Know When To Move On: Look, even if you are the hottest guy in the world..not everyone is going to like you. I’m sorry. There will be that one woman who turns her nose up at you. Take it like a champ and move on. Please don’t dance in your own pity and pursue us even more. You are wasting your time. If you haven’t gotten our attention by now, you aren’t going to get it. I know, you see it as a challenge, right? Just listen to me when I say it’s not worth your time and she’s not worth your time. There are a million other girls out there that would love to be with you. Instead of wasting your time on this particular one, go swim with all the other fishies in the sea!

19)Please No Stalking: Okay, doing drive-bys were cool, like in 9th grade. They really aren’t hip anymore. Stalking someone is a great way to scare the shit out of a woman and get a pretty little restraining order against your ass. Come on, no one is ever worth stalking. Okay, I lied…I’ve done my fair share of stalking back in the day but I’ll never admit to it. It doesn’t matter if you just starting dating us or if we’ve been in a relationship for months, there shall be no stalking.

20)Be thoughtful: We all love a man who is thoughtful. Of course, you must be thoughtful at the right times. I never enjoyed getting flowers on a first day, I’m not sure why. Why don’t you wait until the relationship gets established before you bring over flowers. My man surprises me with flowers every once in awhile and it make me giddy. Don’t do it too often or it will lose it’s flavor. You don’t want her to get use to getting flowers or little knick knacks. She won’t be able to really appreciate it if you do it every time. Doing thoughtful things is the quickest way to a woman’s heart. You know, like folding clothes, doing the dishes, giving foot massages…stuff like that. It shows us that you took time out of your day to think of us and we love it.

21)Please Wear Boxers: Okay, this is really for my own generation. It’s important to know that I’m not talking about my father’s generation. I dated a guy once. Things started to get hot and heavy, his pants went to the ground and there they were…the “tighty whiteys”. For the love of God, why? Instantly, I was reminded of my father. Ew. Please, if you are about my age then you should wear boxers. Most women do not find ‘tighty whiteys” attractive. I know that they keep your weenie in place but if you know that you are going to go out on a date, please be prepared. Go out and buy yourself some fly boxers.

22)Don’t Bash Ex-Girlfriends: First of all, we really do not care or want to hear about your ex-girlfriends. If you feel the need to talk about them so often we might feel the need to date someone else. Bashing your ex-girlfriend is a great way to throw up a million red flags. There will be a burning question in the back of our mind, “Is his ex girlfriend really that crazy or did he make her that way?”. You see? Nothing positive will come from talking bad about your ex’s. Also, if you bash every single one, we will put two and two together and realize that you are the common denominator. We will only begin to think that YOU were the problem and not them. I don’t care how loony your other girlfriends were, just keep it to yourself. When you get more comfortable in the relationship, it’s okay to discuss certain issues here and there..just refrain from bashing.

23)Don’t Be A Mamma’s Boy: No woman likes a mamma’s boy. I repeat, “NO WOMAN LIKES A MAMA’S BOY”. Come on, it’s time to grow up and quit sucking on the tit. If you have to console with your mother for every decision you make, then you are a mamma’s boy. If you allow to your mother to get in the middle of every relationship you are in, then you are a mamma’s boy. If your mother has ever caused you to break up with someone, then you are a mamma’s boy. Look, I’m just calling it like it is. My ex-fiance broke up with me because of his psycho mother. I had never, in my life, had so much trouble trying to date someone. I had no idea he was still breast feeding. In the end, he told me he couldn’t choose me over his mother. Are you kidding me? Like, this is a joke right? Nope, no joke. If you have got some serious mommy issues, therapy is always an option. Being a mamma’s boy is a quick way to run us off and an even quicker way to ruin a good relationship. It’s called “leave and cleave” baby
.
24)Make Her Feel Safe: There’s just something about a man that makes us feel safe. All of us want to feel safe. I have been in several relationships where I didn’t feel safe. I, honestly, felt like I was the man and I ran the relationship and I hated it. I can’t really understand how you go about making a woman feel safe. It’s something you either have or don’t have. It’s not being a ‘father figure’, it’s being somewhat protective of your woman. It’s shielding us from harm and beating someone’s ass when they pinch our booty. Okay, scratch that..I do not condone violence but you get the point.

25)Give Her Validation: We’re sorry that we need this but we just can’t help it. Guys can go on in a relationship for months and think that everything is great. Well, it probably is great but we need to know it. We need you to tell us, “Hey, everything is great”. It’s like sitting down with your boss for that six month evaluation. We need to know where you are in the relationship and what you are feeling. Even though you are still with us we still need you to validate that you like us and care about us. I think this is one of the hardest things for men to understand. They don’t understand why they need to mention how great things are going if they are, in fact, going great. We need to know what you are thinking and where we are as a couple in the relationship. If you have been in a relationship for a few months and you like where it is headed, please tell us. Please don’t make us guess or assume. We really hate to sit you down and ask for validation.

26)Do NOT Call A Woman These Names: No matter what you do or how mad you are, do not EVER and I do mean NEVER call a us these names: bitch, slut, psycho or fat. Please refrain from combining the following words such as “fat bitch”, “psycho slut”, “fat psycho” or “fat slut”. These are huge no no words. If you want to come across as a true ass and disrespectful, spit these out. We hate these words. These are the words that we use when we talk about other women behind their backs, we certainly don’t
need you to tell it to our face. These are the four most disrespectful words in our dictionary. I had an ex that use to call me a f’n bitch and I lost all respect for him. I was never a name caller so I never really understood it. I lost a little love for him that day and continued to lose it thereafter. Look, you can call us assholes, butt holes, goofy, retarded, impossible but whatever you do, do not let ‘bitch’, ’slut’, ‘fat’, or ‘psycho’ leave your lips.

27)Satisfy Your Woman: Okay, listen up because this is important. You need to make sure your woman is satisfied. Wouldn’t you rather her fantasize about you rather than the next door neighbor? Give her a reason to fantasize about you and give it to her good. Most of us weren’t born knowing how to please one another, so it’s okay to ask. Don’t feel stupid. Please do not just have sex with us to ‘get’ yours and then get off and go to sleep. This will make us more frustrated than before we even started having sex. We need foreplay. We need to be touched and we need to be caressed. Give us a few minutes to catch up to where you are. I know several men who do not even think about having an orgasm until they know that their woman has. These are mighty men, they definitely know what’s up. It takes two to tango and it isn’t just all about you. Don’t be afraid to try new things in the bedroom. If we are having trouble reaching ‘orgasm status’ then maybe we should do something different.

Don’t be afraid to allow sex toys in the bedroom. Don’t take this personal. It’s a lot easier for you to have an orgasm than it is for us. They now make little vibrators that go around our finger, you won’t even know it’s there. Please know the difference between a dildo and a vibrator. A dildo looks just like a penis and a vibrator looks like a little bullet that..well, vibrates. I could totally see why a man might get offended if a we bring a dildo into the bedroom, there’s really no need for it since we have your lovely penis. There should be no reason that you get offended for us bringing a vibrator along with us. I mean, don’t you want us to enjoy ourselves? Don’t you want to play a part in the big “O”? If you want to be called “The Man Of The Year”, take the time to satisfy us so we can quit daydreaming about the neighbor.Tip: We know that men just see sex (usually) as, well, just having sex…we see is as a chance to ‘connect’ with you and get closer to you. Please don’t deny us of the emotional attachment we crave.

28)We Don’t Care About Your Fantasies: Most of us really don’t care what you fantasize about. We really don’t want to hear it. Yes, we all know, most men dream of being with two girls at a time. We get it okay? Well, it’s not going to happen so keep on dreaming, baby. The question alone is damaging. Do not ever ask us to bring another woman into the bedroom. If you are looking for the quickest way to sabotage your relationship, have a threesome. I promise you that eventually it will break the two of you up. Look, if you want a threesome so bad then would you be against having a threesome with another dude and us? I didn’t think so.

29)Plan A Date Night: After you have been in a relationship for awhile, things begin to get comfortable. You are staying in more because things have settled down. Please don’t let the spark die. Keep that baby going. You need to plan at least one date night a month. This is where we will go out, without the children, and enjoy each other. Tip: A good date night usually ends with hot, passionate sex.

30)Public Displays Of Affection: We don’t want you to jam your tongue down our throats in the middle of the gas station. We don’t want you to grab our butts in the middle of the grocery store. We do, however, enjoy certain forms of public displays of affection. We love it when you grab our hand while we are walking. We love it when you reach over to give us a peck in public. It’s like you are telling the world that you are proud to be with us. If you act distant while we are in public, we are going to assume that something else is up. For all we know, you might have someone else on the side and you are trying to pull us off as your sister. So, grab her hand when you go to public places. Don’t be afraid to put your arm around us, we love it.

31)Whisper Sweet Nothings: No, this isn’t cheesy. Let me just say this much, it takes a real man to whisper sweet nothings into a woman’s ear. It’s not the easiest thing to do but we drool over it. For example, you are in the middle of having sex and you get in our ear and tell us, “You’re so beautiful”. This makes me melt like butter on the stove. I went out on a limb once and asked someone to whisper ’sweet nothings’ to me and they said, “No, I don’t do that”. Ouch. It made me feel that I wasn’t special enough to hear something special. We don’t want this all the time. Plus, it would probably get old and wouldn’t be as special if you did it often. Please, just every once in awhile…whisper something sweet into our ear.

32)Understanding The Monthly Visitor: Yes, we know, you will never understand our monthly visitor. We really don’t expect you to but can you pretend. You must know that we can’t be held responsible for any actions that occur during these two weeks out of the month. Emotions are high and you are probably wanting to call us that one word that you are forbidden to…psycho. Look, we can’t help it. It’s not us, it’s the hormones. The sooner you try to understand, the better off you will be. Please don’t try to fight it, you will only lose. Never try go go against the grain with Aunt Flo. She always wins. Please don’t take things too personal when Aunt Flo comes to visit. We really don’t mean to snap and burst into tears. Sometimes we just can’t help it. As hard as it is, please try to be understanding.

33)Remember Special Occasions: With all the gadgets and technology today, there is no reason why you should forget a holiday or an anniversary. If you don’t have any gadgets, have you ever heard of a calender? It’s pretty cool, it lays out the months and days where you can “plan in advance”. You should try it sometime. Please do not forget our anniversary, our birthday, Valentines day, etc. For most of us, these days are extremely important to us and we feel somewhat ‘unimportant’ when you forget them.

34)Uncontrollable Flagilance: Ew. I know, we are all human. We all have gas, it’s only normal. A huge turn-off for us women is for a guy who thinks he can poot whenever and however. Please don’t be the “pro-pooter”. I used to date a guy that would actually ‘poot’ ON me. Yes people, I said “ON” me. It was the grossest thing ever and it was an extreme turn off. I couldn’t run out the door quick enough. Once you get comfortable in a relationship you can pop a fluffy every once in awhile but in the beginning, you need to keep your ass shut.

35)Cuddle With Us: I probably don’t even have to remind you of this. Most men know that we like to cuddle. We can’t help it, ya’ll are just so soft, cozy and..cuddly. We know what it’s like for you after sex. After you have had an orgasm, we know you are drained and would love to roll over and go to sleep. It’s okay to go to sleep after sex, just make sure we are in your arms when you do.

36)Don’t Be Afraid To Cry: There’s nothing hotter than a man who isn’t afraid to show his feelings. I am not telling you to be a cry baby, okay? I’m just saying that we like to know that you actually ‘feel’ every once in awhile. I used to date a guy that cried all the time. Yes, I thought he was a big titty baby, sorry. I have also dated a man that never shed a tear. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was human. It’s okay to show your feelings. We like it when you show us that you aren’t as ‘hard’ as you try to come across. We enjoy seeing that certain things might ‘touch’ you.  Just please don’t blow snot rockets. Gross!

37)Get Along With Our Family: For most of us, we are very concerned what our friends and family think of you. Please do not walk into our parent’s house cocky, as if you ownt he world. They will pick up on this in a second, mine did. Please be humble and make a good first, second, third and lasting impression. We want our families to believe that we are in good hands. We want our families to believe that we are safe with you. Please avoid picking your nose, cussing like a sailor or slapping our ass when we are around our families.

38)Do Not Judge Our Past: I’m sorry that you weren’t the first guy we ever dated. I’m sorry that we did things in our past that we aren’t proud of. I’m sorry but again, we are all human. Judging anyone in any situation is wrong. If you want to date someone without a past, go date June Cleaver. Have fun with that!

I am finished picking my brain. I hope this has helped you to get inside a woman’s head. Of course, I am only one woman and all women are different. I do, however, find all of these to be true when it comes to women. We are extremely unique characters and you should treat us as so.

P.S.- Comments Are Appreciated!