The Queen of Relationships

Now for a more serious post. You know, I’ve been thinking..I seem to do that every once in awhile. I wasn’t even sure if I should write about this or not. I have this friend who has this burning feeling (no, it’s not chlamydia) that they are being cheated on. What a crappy situation. The feeling of someone cheating on you is something dreadful. I know that feeling all to well. I spent most of my younger years being Inspector Gadget, trying to catch this one and that one cheating on me. I got really good at it, yep. Common sense never slapped me in the face to tell me that I should have left the person the moment I suspected it. You never know though, right? Sometimes we think too much and assume even more. Why would I just want to get rid of someone when I didn’t know for sure? Well, I could always ask but what are the chances of them telling me the truth? Slim to none.

Now, I will go into my Dr. Phil segment. If you have a feeling that someone is cheating on you then there is something wrong with the relationship. No on should have to live in fear of their partner being with someone else. We all need some form of security. If you have gotten to the point where you assume your lover is straying, there must be deeper issues. There must be a smidgen of broken trust somewhere. You don’t just wake up one morning and say, “Hey, I think my wife is cheating on me”. Most of the time, certain incidents lead us to the point of assuming.

I can remember all the things I did to find out if someone was cheating. You can’t imagine how much energy I put into it, how creative I got, it’s somewhat sick now that I think about it. It would have been much easier to get rid of the person and start fresh. Of course, I was always the one to take the more difficult route. This is where I tell you that the most important part of a relationship is communication. If you feel that your partner is cheating, you should sit them down and confront them. Yes, I know. Cheaters do lie.

You will eventually come to a point where you have to decide whether or not you want to stay in the relationship OR you could  take matters into your own hands. I honestly don’t support taking matters into your own hands because you will waste so much of your time and energy on something that might not even ‘be’. But, there are those of us that need that ‘peace’ of mind. You need something tangible, something you can touch and see to put your suspicions to rest. Please do not do anything illegal when investigating your spouse. The last thing you want to do is go to jail and risk getting butt raped.

How To Catch Your Spouse Cheating:

Remain Calm: Right now, you are about to embark on an adventure. It’s kind of like a scavenger hunt that ends in pain, usually but not always. You must go into this thinking and knowing of the possibility. There’s a chance that they might be cheating but there also might be a chance that you are a paranoid skitz. It’s okay, though. Many of us assume our lovers are cheating due to our past, it only comes natural to us sometimes. When you start gathering information on your partner, you must remain calm. You will never be able to get the information you need if you are popping off at the mouth and throwing things up in your lovers face. You don’t want them to know that you even suspect that they are cheating. If they are cheating, this will only allow them to get better at hiding it.

Keep A Log: You want to jot down everything that is going on. Keep a book of this and keep it hidden. Do not get weak and blow up at them explaining to them that you have evidence, not unless you have enough. If you only have a little bit of information, they can easily manipulate you into believing some other story. In your book, you need to log times, dates, activities, moods, bank statements, call logs and so forth. This way you can go back and compare to see if you see a pattern of some sort.

Snoop The Cell Phone: You can find out a lot about someone by looking in their cell phone. I have a friend that can pull up her lover’s cell phone account online and can see everyone he’s talking to. If you are married, then you probably have access to this. Skim through the call log and see if there are any numbers that you don’t recognize. Also, see if there are numbers that have been dialed several times, check incoming and outgoing. Be sure to log numbers that are suspicious to you.

Do you have the password to your lover’s voice mail?  I’m guessing probably not. If they are sneaking around and cheating, they have probably covered all of their bases. But, sometimes they slip up. Be sure to check voice mail messages. Another great thing that people get busted with all the time is text messaging. I’ve known a few people that have gotten caught because of their text messages. They didn’t erase them quick enough before their partner snooped and found them. If someone is cheating, they are probably going to have their phone with them at all times. This is when you have to get sneaky and probably go snooping after they have gone to bed.

Snoop The Bank Statements: If you are married, then you should have access to both of your bank and credit card statements. If your lover is cheating on you and is spending money on their new lover, you should be able to find out through their spending habits. Scan over the statements and see if anything looks unusual. Be sure to look for transactions involving hotels, dining out, or gifts. Again, if they are good they will cover their tracks but once they get comfortable with the other lover, they will eventually start to slip up.

Observe Their Actions: You really need to observe their actions. How are they acting? Probably by now, they are acting somewhat funny or you wouldn’t have suspected that they are cheating. Have they changed their appearance? Have they started working out? Have they changed their diet and have lost weight? Are they coming home late from work? Usually when someone is cheating, they start getting in shape, changing their appearance and so forth. This is because they are trying to impress their new lover, just like they did you in the beginning. Notice if your partner is becoming distant. Also, take notice if they are starting to pick fights with you or are accusing you of cheating. When someone accuses you of cheating, it’s usually the guilty conscious at work.

Snoop The Computer: These days, most all affairs having something to do with the computer. It’s easier to be sneaky with e-mail than it is the phone. Is there any way you can get into your spouse’s account? Do you have their e-mail password? Can you figure it out? If you don’t, they will probably end up forgetting to log out of their account so be sure to always check the computer after they have been on it. Do you know of any other accounts they have online? Are they in any type of social network sites? If you have their log in name and password, always be sure to check the activity on these sites. You can also put spy tools on your computer so you can see all of their current activity. This will show what sites they are visiting. I also think there is software where you can read e-mail, keystrokes, etc. Info on Computer Spy Software

Have Them Followed: The easiest way to catch someone cheating is to have someone follow them. I know, it’s a lot harder than it sounds. Having your partner followed can be extremely expensive especially if you are thinking about hiring a private investigator. My advice to you would be to get a friend to do it. There’s no reason why you should be following them yourself, you will only get caught. Remember log in your book where they say they are going, the date, and what time they said they’d be there. This way you can send someone to do a drive by and check up on them. If you want to get straight psycho, then you can put a tracking device on their car. They have software that allows you to place a GPS underneath their car and you can track their whereabouts on the computer. Info On Tracking Device

Get Creative: There are a few creative things that you can do to possibly make them choke. Try to get creative and think of ways to possibly make them confess. One idea is to send them flowers to work from a secret admirer. Make a trip down to the office that day to visit and ask who the flowers are from. You must act like you are really upset and then proceed to say, “Who is she/he?”. Also, go buy a pair of panties/boxers that or either too big or too small for you. Put them somewhere in the bedroom somewhere. When your partner comes home, when ya’ll are in the bedroom together..act as if you have just discovered them and start questioning them. I think you will be able to tell if they are lying or not.

Condom Counting: Yes, this is something I used to do. If you are married, then you might not use condoms. If you do use condoms, after the box is purchased..you must make sure that you keep up with the condom count. This way you can tell if they are sneaking condoms out of the box to go use with someone else.

Smell The Goods: I use to date a guy that was in the flooring business. He would always come home smelling sweaty and was a hot mess. Ew, he stunk. He eventually started coming home with his ‘package’ smelling like Dove. It’s like he was taking a shower or something before he came home. This was a serious red flag for me. Another guy I dated, he started coming home and would jump in the shower. He said that he had just got through with working out. You see? He had just started working out for some reason and then started taking showers. Mmm, another red flag. I had a feeling in my gut that they were cheating and they both were. Also, get intimate with them. Act as if you want to go “down there” and while your down their sniff things out. You know what sex smells like.

Scan Dating Sites: You are probably thinking that no one has the balls to put their picture up on a dating site but you’d be surprised. They probably think that this would be the last place that you would look. Check all the dating sites that you can think of. A few of them are: Yahoo personals, Match.com, eHarmony, Cupid, etc.  If you happen to see them on there. Make up a fake profile and start communicating with them. Try to find out as much information as possible. Be sure to print out all the the e-mails you receive so you can put it in your log book. This way you will have proof when you finally decide to confront this person.

Spoof A Profile: I actually had a friend do this and it was quite comical. There was a guy of that I was kind of seeing that I suspected something was going on. We met on a dating site. My friend made a fake profile and contactedhim,he fell for it. Yes, this is somewhat psychotic but it was also somewhat entertaining. We found out everything we needed to know and then some. You can do this with dating sites, myspace, facebook, etc. Just remember if you go looking for something, you are probably going to find it. I suggest doing this ONLY if you think your partner is cheating. If you do this without the suspicion you are only playing with fire and might find out more than you need to know. Many people love the fact that others think they are attractive so if your lover gets an email from a woman/man (you) on myspace saying that are cute, don’t be surprised if they flirt with them.

Plan A Weekend Getaway: When I was 19, I was dating a guy for several months. He started acting strange and started accusing me of cheating. This was really strange to me because I had never cheated on him.  I planned a weekend getaway to go visit a friend who lived out of town. While I was there, about 2 o’clock in the morning, I started getting a weird feeling. You know, that “gut” feeling. I got in my car and drove two hours back home and went to this guy’s house. When I pulled up, I saw another car there but he was gone. I sat and waited on the front porch for him to get home. Not even 30 minutes later, he pulled up in his white Camaro. He got out with a girl, walked her to her car and kissed her goodnight. I wasn’t surprised but it was good finally knowing the truth. “While the cat’s away the mice will play”

Check Clothing: This is an obvious one. You must start checking your lovers clothes. Try to check for the smell of someone else’s cologne or perfume. Also, check the collar for make-up/lipstick. You will want to check in their pockets before clothes are washed. Many times the cheater might have numbers in their pocket. Of course, if they have taken someone’s number this doesn’t necessarily mean they are cheating but it’s really about their intentions. You also might want to check their body out. A guy I dated once came home with scratches all down his back. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he was wrestling with “Bob” and that’s where they came from. I was so naive at the time that I believed him. Please be sure to check the body for passion marks, scratches, bite marks and carpet burns.

Confronting Your Lover: You shouldn’t confront your lover until you have enough evidence. If you only have a few things to confront them with then they might be able to weasel their way out of it. Please don’t get upset during your ‘investigating’ process and blow your cover. Don’t ever let them know that you are on to them. This will only hurt your case and make them even more sneaky. Also, you need to really think about what you are going to do after you confront them. If you already know that they are cheating, are you going to stay with them? Are you going to give them stipulations? Are you going to make them seek therapy in order to stay with you? Once trust is broken in a relationship, it’s really hard to go back. You will never forget the fact that your lover cheated on you and it will have a huge impact on the relationship.

Again, I hesitated before even making this post. I didn’t want to encourage anyone to go crazy, Inspector Gadget style. I know how it is to feel like something is going on and not being able to put your finger on it. If you have that ‘gut’ feeling, most of the time you are usually right. Remember though, you can’t be right all of the time. Sometimes people get accused of cheating because their partner is terribly insecure. If you are accusing your lover of cheating and they aren’t and never have, you might want to seek out therapy to help improve your securities. The best away to find out if someone is cheating is to ask. You really shouldn’t be miserable in a relationship where you don’t trust your partner. Wouldn’t you rather live a life where you didn’t have to worry about what your partner was doing or who they were doing? In closing, cheating is extremely painful but their is life after cheating. It takes a tremendous amount of time to heal from cheating but it is possible.