Look, I’m not a “Bitter Bitchy Betty”. I’m really not. I always try to see both sides of a relationship and then I form…”the opinion”. I’m not a man hater, a penis hater, a vagina hater…I just try to call it like I see it. With that being said, I had a friend come over today who is in the first stages of puppy love, what I refer to as ‘infatuation’. It’s extremely hard to be completely happy for someone when you see a huge tug boat carrying a red flag. (insert tug boat sound) I know I sometimes come across as a downer but while trying to have a smile on my face, reality has a way of being a buzz kill.
My friend floated into my house on tiny, red hearts and you could see the spark in her eye, being lit by someone she was totally into. After she left, I discussed what I was picking up on about the relationship and I could see it on my sister’s face. Not only was reality a buzz kill, but I was obviously being one myself. I know, I should just go with the flow and let nature take it’s course and I try to refrain from ever saying anything because I do not want to jinx the relationship, nor do I want to upset the person or have them obsess over my own thoughts rather than their own.
So, here’s the juice: My friend got back in touch with a guy she knew years ago. They have been catching up on old times, so to speak. Yes, they might have frolicked in the hay a few times, which I applaud. Hey, at least someone is getting laid. Now, in my opinion, the word ‘relationship’ should not be spoken until a decent amount of time of knowing someone. The topic, being premature, could be a total FAIL. But, it happened in this situation for some reason or another and this is how the conversation went (as I remember her telling it). He says he just got out of a retarded (I added that word) relationship with a girl and he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Now, naturally…women want to be sympathetic to this sort of statement. “Poor baby was wounded, I’ll nurse him back to health and then he’ll be better enough for a relationship with me”. We all do it, I’ve done it.
He made sure that she knew that he didn’t want to hurt her. Now, when a guy tells me that he doesn’t want to hurt me, what I hear is…”You might begin to see us as something more but I don’t see it that way and let’s go ahead and clear the air and lay it out on the table so you don’t get hurt over it”. Sometimes I don’t really think they are 100% concerned about hurting us, this statement is just a way of them saying, “You are in this more than I am and if I don’t tell you this, I might be bothered with a lot of crazy ‘girl’ drama and I’m not in the mood for that”. So, basically they are giving us a heads up about their expectations…well, there really aren’t any expectations. What men don’t understand is that when they say statements like this, all it does is get our hopes up. This is what they say “I’m not ready for a serious relationship right now”. What I hear is: “I’m not ready for a serious relationship with you”.
Look, I’ve been there. I was with a dude for almost a year that ‘didn’t want a serious relationship’. No, he didn’t want a serious relationship with me but he wanted free booty, cooked meals, a place to sleep and permission to go sleep with whoever else tickled his fancy. Was I not the “Woman of The Year” for sticking it out and standing by my man and waiting until he was ready? No, “Idiot of The Year”. I could still slap that bastard for wasting my time and slap myself even. I mean, could you blame him though? Why would he want to settle down with me when he had all the perks of a relationship without the commitment? He had it extremely easy and I am the one that made it that way. There were really no expectations of him as a boyfriend because there was no relationship. He had all the benefits of a girlfriend while I got the shit end of the stick. Needless to say, he never became ‘ready’ for a serious relationship and not long after I kicked his bony ass to the street…well, looky here…he got into a serious relationship with some whore from Hooters.
I know that people should take time off after a serious relationship and I can’t honestly tell you how long my friend’s “dude” has had but when considering fate, there is no time limit on love. I have heard of people coming out of a drama relationship only to find “the one” months later, get married and ride off into the sunset. If a guy is totally into you, he won’t care that he just came out of a retarded relationship. He won’t care if his mother doesn’t like you. He won’t care that you walk with that limp. If a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you. He won’t put off the chance to snag you because of emotional baggage. Although, there are small amount of situations where maybe this might have some truth to it, the whole “I can’t get into a serious relationship” right now…but most of the time, it’s just a lame excuse for…”I’m not interested”. Check out “Easy Prey: Playing Hard To Get & Being A Floozy”
01/27/10 Being Used For Sex, Booty Call, Dating Tips, Dealing With Players, Friends With Benefits, Getting The Guy, Love or Lust, Relationship Mistakes, Relationship That Are Doomed To Fail, Relationships, Sex 12 Comments
Yup. Yes. Uh huh! Absolutely.
When a guy is ready. Nothing will stand in his way of opening his heart.
If you are not really what he wants for a long term relationship but are good in bed. He will not turn down the good in bed.
sorry it’s true.
By the way Queenie, you don’t sound bitter at all…oh no not at ALL ;o)
remember that it’s all about learning to love the very most important person in the world!
You.
Are YOU ready for a real-lationship with You?
Love Mark
http://MarkShepardSongs.com
You know, Mark…you’re right. “learning to love the very most important person in the world”, correct me if I’m wrong but you’re saying that ‘instead of focusing so much on trying to love someone else, we should be focusing on loving ourselves’? I would think that if we put our primary focus on inner love, then possibly, down the road, real love will blossom from that.
I think when we are so set on making someone love us or loving someone until it hurts, most of the time it doesn’t even have anything to do with that particular person: it’s about us. Who taught us that it was okay to beat ourselves all in the name of love? Okay, enough of this- it’s time to go nurse my inner child. lol
I love the realness of this post. I just got out of situation like this and its been really hard because I gave this guy everything, literally everything, but he didn’t want a a commitment, but he wanted to keep me around. Since he didn’t want a relationship, I tried to break off but he didn’t want to, but then he broke it off. I definitely learned my lesson and would never mess with a dude is “not ready for a relationship.” I completely agree that this a major red flag and when ladies hear it they should run for the hills. My post “Technically, We’re Not Really Together” about this that basically comes to the same conclusion as you. Thanks for this post!
When I hear a friend say that a guy has said “I’m not ready for a relationship right now”, it’s basically saying..”No, I don’t want a relationship with you but I am going to milk this titty for all it’s worth”!
Entering a relationship with the “I’ll nurse him back to health mentality” is the kiss of death. It rarely, ever works. And the whole not wanting to hurt someone thing? If red flags hoisted on gigantic stakes aren’t lodging themselves in your brain when you hear this, I don’t know if there’s anything anyone can do but stand back and pick up the pieces when you realize that he’s the dick everyone but you knew he was.
Ummm… sorry, but I am going to have disagree with this post. It’s too black & white.
Not to give any girl who’s going through this now any false sense of hope, but stop being so fatalistic, okay?! I genuinely wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was in one for 6 years, from 18 to 23. After being emotionally drained and ending for the last time, I needed a serious break from all of it.
Then I met this new girl through a friend. We hit it off and she became really interested in me fairly quickly. I too was attracted to her and was interested into seeing her. What happened though is that I felt overwhelmed and suffocated by her wanting to see me and hang out with me all the time. “Doesn’t she have other friends?!”
So I called it off.
Well, then I began to miss her and every future date I went on I thought of her. So I reached out to her and explained my story. “I’m just not ready for a serious relationship, but if you can be patient with me, I’d like that and we can see where this goes, yeah?”
She agreed and we hung out as friends for about a year and then bam, I saw her flirting with some guy and that’s when I knew I didn’t want her with anyone else but me. So I told her, look, I am ready to take this to the next level.
sooo… here we are today, 3 years together and I couldn’t be happier.
My advice is this… relationships take real time to grow, sometimes the magic of infatuation isn’t always enough. IF you two are having fun and getting along really well, plus connecting emotionally (meaning, you can understand where each other is coming from), then CHILL out and just have fun
. One day he’ll be ready and if you were by his side when that day comes, well then there you go, you’ll score.
If you leave before he’s ready, when he becomes ready, he’ll just find someone else and move on from you. Simple as that.
So, what you are saying is “I’m not ready for a relationship right now but let me go out with other girls and see if I think of you and if I don’t then I still do not want a relationship now but if I do think of you then I’ll come back running into your arms”? Yes, I know that people come out of serious relationships and really are not ready to be in any sort of relationship but being on the female side of the situation, the percentage of guys using this phrase as an excuse is greater than the ones who actually mean it. I don’t think you are getting what I am trying to say. When a girl fancies a dude and she’s really into him and he says he’s not really ready for a serious relationship, believe him. Don’t sit around and wait until ‘you’ think he is ready because that day might not ever come.
I heart you Matt but I’ve heard this line so many times that when girlfriends tell me ‘he’s’ said it, I can’t help but to roll my eyes in the back of my head. I got eyes in the back of my head, shoo.
I agree… what happens is that the longer you wait around and “hang out” with a guy that says hes not ready to commit, the more he begins to lose respect for you. Its hard to be just friends with someone you like and are attracted to, so you usually end up giving in more often then not. I should take my own advice and run for the hills but its unfortunetly very hard when the guy you like keeps calling and wanted to see you. I realized that waiting around for him to be ready to commit is no way to live and eventually it begins to affect you. A clean break it the way to go! Now I just need to be strong enough to so it!!!
Queen, my situation is similar. However, in my case my man just got divorced about 9 months ago, and he says he is confused, because he does love me, but he also knows that for a while he cannot have a serious relationship, because his priority now are the kids and his job. He says he doesn’t want to hurt again, and I even came back and forth with my ex since I met him because of his lack of commitment, so he doesn’t trust me much. Anyway, I do love him, I am ready for a serious relationship with him, and he just told me he isn’t. When I asked him “what does your heart tell you?” he answered “my heart is all over the place”. Do I have a chance? Should I wait for him?
It started as a casual relationship a year ago. It did tell me that he “can’t” get into a serious relationship and that was fine then. Now im just confused about what i really want because yeah the sex is fine, we each have our own thing going on but i have never been in a serious relationship. I really do like him and i feel like we are good friends but if something better comes along meaning a guy that really wants the whole package, i will disappear and give it a go. Its unrealistic to ask the other one to wait for “if they may be a change of relationship status”. Its either you want me or you don’t…simple as that.
This is very true about women, too.
I dated a girl who got close to me very, very quickly. She made me feel like a boyfriend within 3 weeks after we first hooked up. I liked her, so I very casually proposed the idea of us being in a relationship (seemed casual to me, anyway). I said, “I could see myself being your boyfriend.” She said, “Does that mean I’m your girlfriend?” I said, “Sure!”
Later on, she talked about how we “went too fast,” and how she doesn’t like “being too associated with another person,” and how she has “too much baggage from being trapped in other relationships.” She cheated on me, begged me to stay, and then broke up with me because she was “too fucked up to be in a relationship.”
Later, she contacted me just to tell me that it wasn’t her, it was just that she didn’t want to be in a relationship with me.
Both guys and girls like to milk other people for all they can get and make excuses for it. Good people are people who don’t feel comfortable in one-sided relationships.
When she said “I’m too fucked up to be in a relationship”, I would have totally believed her because she sounds extremely fucked. Sounds like she had a little bit of the crazies and then wanted to turn it around and make it as if it were about you, “I just don’t want to be in a relationship with you”. I think you should be thankful, oh yes, because she did you a favor. What a nutcase, watch out for us…we’re everywhere