The Queen of Relationships

Oh snap! You just got dumped. Ouch. Want me to kiss your bo bo? I know it hurts. I know the first question you are asking is, “Why?”…”For the love of God, Why?”. Oh, don’t worry, “It’s not you, it’s me, baby”. It doesn’t matter what they tell us, it will never be good enough. There will never be a good enough explanation for being dumped. I know what it feels like, I’ve been there. There’s something about rejection that leaves the worst taste in my mouth or maybe it was the squash I just ate. Regardless of your sex, age or race, there is no discrimination when it comes to rejection. So, you just got dumped, now what?

Take It Like A Champ: I know, I know what you want to do. You want to pull your hair out and scream to the world, “Whhhhy” (in slow motion of course). Why is the first question we all ask. Don’t expect to get an answer that will give you closure, this usually never happens. They have probably been thinking about dumping you for months, so by the time you pop the “why” question,  they probably won’t have the answer. Even if they did have an answer, it probably wouldn’t satisfy you.

Look, you’ve gone this long without being classified as “psycho”, so don’t go there. Whatever you do, do not go into psycho mode. This would include setting clothes on fire, bawling, screaming profanities, begging them to take you back,etc. I can’t express to you how important it is to keep your cool. Rejection alone is bad enough, there’s no reason to wallow in it. If someone straight up dumps you, why don’t you say, “I was kind of thinking the same thing”.  This way there is some sort of balance to it and you can have them walking away feeling a little rejected themselves. Doesn’t feel too good now, does it?

Grieve Gracefully: You are going to have to accept the fact that it’s over. No more long walks on the beach and no more candle lit dinner. Excuse me while I puke. It’s okay to grieve. Sometimes getting dumped can feel as if someone has died, like a part of you has died. The only difference is is that your other half is still living and you can’t contact them and cry to them to nurse you back to health. You must be careful not to lose yourself in the grieving process. You should allow yourself a certain number of day/weeks to grieve. I give you permission to eat all the ice cream you want. Go ahead and rent all the sappy movies you can. You can do all this knowing that soon, you are going to have to put the ice cream away and take the movies back to the store.

Look, you are going to have all kind of emotions once you get dumped. It’s normal, okay? You probably are going to be a little confused at first. I mean, honestly, why the hell would anyone dump you? You are probably going to back track and try to figure out where you went wrong. You might end up trying to pick the relationship apart looking for clues and signs. Here’s a clue: It’s over. There’s no going back now. So, after confusion comes the hurt, man does it hurt like hell. It feels as if there are a million oompa loompas punching the inside of your stomach and tugging on your heart. This shall pass.

Then comes the obsession, all of a sudden you will feel obsessed about them. You will think of them 24/7 and every little thing reminds you of them. Eventually, you will become delusional. You will forget all of the times they called you fat or the times they told you you just weren’t good enough. Your mind will play funny tricks on you wiping out your bad memories..making it look as if your ex did no wrong. Finally, after all of these emotions, you will probably end up getting pissed.

Mild doses of anger are okay, it’s only natural. I mean, who do they really think they are dumping you, anyway? Once you bypass all of the other emotions you will be left with the anger. It’s how you deal with the anger that is important.

Forget The Phone: Your phone is going to be your worst enemy after being dumped. Every time it rings, you’ll run to answer it, thinking that it’s ‘them’ calling you to tell you they have made a mistake and that they can’t live without you…but it’s just your mother. Sucks, uh? If you don’t need your phone for ‘business’ purposes, I suggest turning it off for a few days. The ringing will only drive you mad and get your hopes up and down and up and down. Don’t obsess about checking your text messages and voice mail, this will only drive you mad. They aren’t going to call and if they do it’s because they forgot to get something from your apartment.

While we’re on the subject of the phone, I’d figure I’d tell a funny story. I found out a guy was cheating on me once and dumped him. He kept calling me and stalking me. This was back in the day when there were answering machines. I decided to record a new message:

“Hi, you have reached “The Queens” answering machine, if you are a cheater press 1, if you are a no good loser press 2, if you are pathetic and afraid of commitment press 3, if you are all of the above and your name is “Bob”, please press 4 and please hang up.” ….ahhh, good times.

Phone-A-Friend: You are going to have weak moments, hey..we’re all human. You are probably going to have your phone in your hand, staring at it..wanting to dial their number. You are probably trying to think of every reason and excuse to call. There is no reason or excuse good enough to make the call. Please save yourself the embarrassment and DO NOT CALL. I know you are already feeling rejected as it is, we don’t want you to feel even more rejected.

This is what you do. Get out a piece of paper and write down all the number of your close friends. Hell, forget the paper and put them into your speed dial. Whenever you get the ‘urge’ and you will…speed dial a friend asap instead of calling the one that dumped you. Yes, you’re friends are probably tired of hearing about it but that’s what friends are for. Tell your friend that you are having a weak moment and have them remind of you of all the reasons you DO NOT need to call and get them to add in a few, “You don’t need them because _________”.

Get Out Of The House: During  a break-up, it’s normal to not want to leave the house. Hell, you probably don’t even feel like getting off the couch to make pee pee. The walls will eventually close in on you and you will be struck with a toxic dose of cabin fever. It’s okay to stay in and grieve but you can’t do this forever. The quicker you get off your bum and get productive, the sooner you are going to feel better. Get out and start mingling. Go join a networking group or something.

You’ve got to have some sort of hobby. Try to meet up with people that have the same interest as you. Why don’t you join a gym? Go hang out at your local book store and score a cup of coffee. Try to start conversations with people and make new friends. One can never have enough of the right friends! I’m sorry but getting out the house does not give you the ‘okay’ to go ride by your exes house. No stalking, well not unless you have a baseball cap on and you are in your friend’s car. I’m just saying.

Get A Make Over: You’ve sat in the house long enough. You haven’t washed your hair in days. You kind of stink. Your nails are a hot mess, not to mention you have shaved since you got dumped. Snap out of it, silly. Go do something for yourself. Go spend a day at the spa or something. Treat yourself. Go get your hair did, get a massage, a pedicure, a manicure, etc. Take a day all to yourself and set a goal to feel fabulous. I know you are torn up on the inside but there’s no reason to let yourself go. After you give yourself a make over, eventually you’ll feel just as great on the inside as you do on the outside. You go.

Romance A Rebound: Mmm, this might be a touchy subject. People are so quick to jump into another relationship after the other one has failed. This isn’t the brightest idea but sometimes we just can’t resist the temptation. Wouldn’t you want to be with someone for the right reasons? Jumping into a relationship right now would just be to lessen the blow of getting dumped. That’s not really fair to you or the other person. It’s important that you take time off from dating to regroup. How long should you take a break? It really depends on how long the relationship lasted. I think “they” say it’s six months for every year that you dated. I took a year and a half off from dating after my ex and I broke up. We dated for almost two years. There really is no set time, you will know when you are ready.

BUT, this is a huge but…sometimes it might be healthy to have a little rebound. I’m not saying to settle down, not at all. I’m just saying that sometimes connecting with someone shortly after a break-up kind of helps your self-esteem. It lets you
know that you are still capable of reeling them in. It let’s you know that you are still attractive and wanted. Of course, don’t go breaking any hearts while romancing a rebound. Maybe I shouldn’t say “rebound”, maybe I should say “fling”. Make sure you are upfront with the person and make sure that they know you are not interested in anything serious and mean it.

No Make-Up Sex: I know, it sucks. Make-up sex comes AFTER you make up, not before. Do Not, and I repeat…DO NOT have sex with your ex. This is a big no no. Just because they are making a pass at you or are flirting with you doesn’t mean they want to be with you. Well, they might want to just hit it one more time but that’s about it. Please have more respect for yourself. Having sex with your ex will only get your hopes up and it’s pointless.  If they wanted to be with you, they wouldn’t have broken up with you. Do not think with your penis or vagina, think logically. Sleeping with your ex will only leave you feeling dirty and used and even more rejected. Please save your vagina/penis for someone special and don’t give it to someone that is just going to use it and then toss it to the side.

Beware Of The Bottom Of The Bottle: I use to think that the answer to all my problems were at the bottom of a bottle. Imagine having several relationships that went nowhere and turning to the bottle instead of turning to a “Dr. Phil”. You can’t drink away your sorrow. Well, I guess you can but it’s not a good idea. You know what happened to me? I tried to drink all of my heart broken sorrows away. Did it work? Of course it did, until I stopped drinking.
As soon as I quit drinking, every little issue I had ever avoided hit me a million times harder. Your little broken heart will be waiting for you as soon as you sober up. Drinking and driving is a bad idea but drinking and grieving is even worse.

You know that alcohol impairs your judgment. Alcohol + Broken Heart= Bad Combo. If you start getting wasted as soon as you get dumped, you are more likely to think irrational. You are more likely to drunk dail and confess all of your love to your ex, when they don’t want to hear it. You are also more likely to end up in the sack with your ex. It’s not a big deal if you want to go have a drink with  friends but if you are looking to the bottle for a support…it’s not a good idea. Trust me.

Letting Them Go: You can only hold on for so long. I know you will have this little smidgen of hope that they will somehow, someway come running back to you. I’m not saying that this isn’t possible but it’s highly unlikely. Why would you want to be with someone that dumped you anyway? How many people are in the world? Too many to count, right? Go out and find someone better than before. You deserve the best. Be strong, be confident and just let them go. It’s okay to think about the good times but just put it in your memory box, mark it as “over” and move on.