The Queen of Relationships

“It’s Over!”. There’s just something about that phrase that ‘s so stingy. If you are reading this blog, then you have probably just been dumped. Welcome to the club. You are now an Official Dumperee. Did you see it coming? Don’t worry, I didn’t either. I was off in my fairly tale world believing a lie, thinking it would never come to this. Come to what? Being dumped.

I really didn’t see it coming. Of course, I knew that it wasn’t necessarily peaches and crème, but what relationships is, right? We had our ups and downs, possibly more ups than downs. I had faith. The kind of faith that could move mountains. This would be the faith that would save our relationship. I never saw myself with anyone else. As miserable as he made me, he was the one. As miserable as we were, he was the chosen one. Of course, fate didn’t choose him..I think I did that all on my own.

So, this was a first for me, you know, getting dumped. I was always the dumper. As a younger dumper, I got some sort of gratification out of dumping people. I loved the power that came with it. I could dump whomever I wanted and would chuckle as they would wallow in their own pity. They would beg me to take them back, how pathetic they were. How pathetic I am. Now, it’s my turn., being dumped.

There is a strange sense of control that is awarded to the dumper. It’s like they get to make all the moves and call all the shots. They get to decide if the two of you are going to work it out. You are basically left out in the cold with no options but to leave because “It’s Over”. You are the one with the questions and the dumper is the only one who can answer them. But Why? Why did you dump me? What did I do? What went wrong?

If you are a careless dumper like I was, you didn’t care to give any sort of explanation. There really wasn’t  any sort of explanation. You just felt like moving on. Now, I’m the one with the questions and til this day not one of them has been answered. I dig deep within myself to formulate my own answers but it’s not good enough. I search for some sort of meaning and the “why”, but no luck. How dare you dump me and leave me hanging. How dare you get over me so quickly. Or did you?

No, sweetie- they didn’t get over you so quickly. See, we didn’t see it coming. While all the while, the dumpers had been planning this several months ago. They knew it was coming. They allowed themselves to become emotionally unattached and distant from us. The two of you had already really broken up, you just didn’t know it yet. Pretty unfair, right? Yeah, so life isn’t fair.

The dumpers decide way ahead of time that it’s time to end it. Of course, they usually don’t do it tastefully. They slowly start to become unaffectionate with you. This happens so gradually that before you know it, the two of you have gone weeks without sex. Usually you aren’t  that concerned that there is no sex but you are so used to them begging for it and they’ve stopped. They’ve stopped begging. You ask what’s wrong? Why are we not having sex? They blame it on the prozac, saying that  it’s put a damper on the bedroom life.

They knew it wasn’t the Prozac. They knew all along that it was just another step in the plan to getting rid of you. Break away slowly. This way they can basically grieve over the relationship before you are even gone. They can hold you that one last time. They can use you one last time. So, when the time comes. Bam. It’s over for them, but it’s really just getting started for you.

Getting dumped has to be one of the hardest things to go through. Have you ever been dumped by someone that you didn’t like? Then after they dumped you , you wanted them even more? What is that about? What is it about rejection and us lusting after someone who we don’t even like. I didn’t even like him. I was 100% miserable with him but I lived in my own misery and it became life. Then when I got dumped, I was 100% shocked. How could he? Who does he think he is anyway? Oh no, I love him. I need him. There’s nobody else like him.

Rejection plays terrible games on our minds and our souls. It allows our judgment to be clouded. We don’t ourselves to  see things for what they really are. You can easily become obsessive over the break up, wondering what and where it went wrong. You can spend the rest of your life wondering and never really move on. You may never get those questions you need answered. You may never understand why they did it.  Hell, they might not even know why they did it. It’s important that you think about each step that you take afterwords. It could really make you or break you.

The real question is “Did you really want them?”. Were you in a relationship of convenience? Were you in a relationship because it was comfortable? Did you really love them? If you were a match made in heaven, then why did things go so terribly wrong?

It’s so easy to get brain fog after being dumped. All you can remember are the great times you had together. You totally forget the time that they slapped you upside the head and called you fat. The mind is a powerful thing, but rejection is just as powerful. We pine over all the good times. We cry over all the fun memories. Did you really love them or did you just love the idea of it?

Do a little exercise for me. Get out a sheet of paper and draw one line down the middle. Put your ex’s name at the top. On one side of the paper write “bad” and on the other side write “good”. This is a really quick way to learn if you are crying over spilled milk.

Now, in the ‘good’ section, write as much as you can about your ex’s good qualities. Obviously, in the ‘bad’ section, write as much as you can about their bad qualities, flaws and hang ups. After you have done this, compare the two. Are they really worth crying over? Stick the paper up on the fridge, this will be a reminder of every time you want to cry- go look at it.

If their ‘good’ side is longer than their ‘bad’, you are probably still upset because you think they were so right for you. Look, just because you got dumped doesn’t  mean it’s completely over. Yes, I said it. I do not want to give you false hope but sometimes people make mistakes only to find out when it’s too late. But, you know in your gut whether this was a good, meaningful, healthy relationship for you. I knew it.

I knew the relationship was all wrong from the very beginning. There were red flags that I noticed but continued to ignore. I blame most of being dumped on myself because I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get in that sort of relationship, a relationship that was all wrong from start to finish. But, we can not continue to blame ourselves. So, we were all wrong for each other, so what? So, things might have gotten out of hand every now and again? We can’t go back and change the past we can only move forward and press on for the future.

I know the empty feeling you are having. I had it too. I didn’t’t want to eat and I couldn’t sleep. Really, nothing made me happy, I just wanted him back. As bad as he was for me, I wanted the bastard back.
The funny thing is, even though I was living in my fairy tale I knew deep down I wanted to break it off. He just beat me to it and that’s what sucks the most.Sounds like a game was being played, uh? Probably. Life is full of unfair games. We’re human and that’s just how it goes.