The Queen of Relationships

Uuurg, me man..me hungry….me hunt food and woman…me want vagina, me want easy vagina….so easy a caveman could do it.

Easy + Woman = Booty Buddy                                                     Selective + Woman = Possible Commitment

I’ve been mentally far, far away on a small island with just my own delusions and my handy dandy notebook, spending hours and hours trying to figure out Blues Clues. This statement probably makes no sense to you but for me, it doesn’t make much sense either and I have no choice but to blame it on the xanex that raped my senses and my ability to complete a , wait…um…good times. Okay class, since your teacher is under the influence, today I challenge you to read between the lines and look for hidden meanings and unwritten rules. I hope everyone brought their decoder ring, for those of you that are without, one word- Cracker Jacks.

If you look at the formulas above, you probably have an idea where I am going with this. Please cherish these formulas because not only will they bring you closer to understanding the creatures that have the dangle piece but also because it took me years to actually piece these together. Oh yes, years of trial and error. Moving on.

Man goes into market, buys meat, goes home, cooks it, enjoys it=instant gratification

Man goes into woods, spends hours searching for the beast, doesn’t see it, goes home, gets up the next day-does it again, and the next day, the next day, the next day-pretty soon he is committed to finding that one special beast. “I’ll climb the highest mountain until I find it”. Months pass and even though he feels defeated, he pushes forward. He knows that he is fighting for ‘the prize’, the ‘accomplishment’, and even though instant gratification is enjoyable…nothing compares to finding “the one” …the one that all the hunters have been searching for, hunting for, craving for.

So you can hunt…or be hunted.

Honestly, I’m not real big on the whole hunting thing. I’d rather sit back, watch Wife Swap, paint my toe nails and have the meat eater come to me. Isn’t that how it’s suppose to be anyway? I mean, pushing Adam and Eve aside…(only because I’m not really sure where cave men fit into that picture) when I think about the beginning of time, I see man and woman. I see man running around hunting for food and also, hunting for woman. I imagine several bar fights breaking out due to wanting the pick of the litter. I’m pretty sure women were not running around chasing cave men, giving them a blow job and then slipping them their number. No dammit, we were a prize to be won and we still are…dammit.

While sometimes I am convinced that a man will sleep with anyone, he will not commit to “just” anyone. Of course, he’s going to sleep with you. Why pass up free apple pie? Yes, he might take a bite of your apple pie vagina, and he might come back again for more, and more and more but eventually your apple vagina will lose it’s flavor and then he will start craving carrot cake. If you have allowed the sexual tension in the relationship to take over before the two of you to connect, there will be nothing to keep this man in one spot. See, some of you think that the more he sleeps with you-the more attached he is getting. No. The more he sleeps with you, the more ass he is getting. There is no connection, don’t forget that men have magical powers and most have the ability to bang, bang and bang without any kind of commitment or attachment. *sigh*

So, this is your warning. Do not be surprised when the guy you are chucking goes missing, is “unable to be reached” or “this phone is out of the service area”…actually, he’s just out of your service area. Mmmk. It’s like this: If you like a dude, don’t chuck him. Keep your hormones in check and buy a talking dildo. If you are ‘in the mood’, go knock on your neighbor’s door…I think that’s a fair exchange for the sugar he borrowed last week.