The Queen of Relationships

A  friend of mine came over the other day, blabbing on the phone, like most of us women do. She walked in my room, phone glued to ear, and I heard her say, “Oh, you know she’s got some, she’s probably got a collection of them”. She looked at me and said, “Where’s your collection?”. Um, my stamp collection is in the bottom drawer where the curling iron is. “No, your porn collection”. Mmm, let me think if I have a porn collection..:I’m thinking, I’m thinking: Nope, I’m pretty sure I don’t have one. What? The foul “Queen of Relationships” doesn’t have a porn collection? Just because I like to say dick and fuck doesn’t mean I like to watch it on the tv. Needless to say, it was my friend’s birthday and she wanted to get with her man and have a pornish night with ass slapping and titty tweaking, I wasn’t invited. Dammit, I’m such a loser. So, what about this porn stuff? What do I think about porn? Let me tell you my first experience with porn. In college, I had a gay friend whose parents were coming into town to visit. He was afraid his mother would go snooping so he made me hold on to his porn. Well, my roomy and I got the great idea to pop popcorn and watch porn. Pop-porn! I grabbed the bowl of popcorn (because I am a piggy) and got ready to watch the porn. I wasn’t sure what I was suppose to do while I watched porn. Was I suppose to bust out my dildo? Was I going to feel uncomfortable because I was watching it with my girl roomy? Was this going to lead to some girl on girl action?

The porn came on and there I sat in amazement. Wow, one would only assume that when a gay friend gives you a porn to protect, it is indeed going to be..gay porn. It was very confusing to me. It was two gay Asian guys with some big breasted women all tangled up into one big cluster fuck. Either they are really talented, or we know now who were the champs at Twister. The mood went from “Oh, this is exciting” to “This is freaking hilarious”. So, we ate our popcorn and watched two Asian guys bang one another while slapping some hag’s boobs. Honestly, the popcorn was my favorite part. I have to admit, down the road, I did take part in watching a porn in an attempt to spice up a relationship. I was so distracted by it all that I was forgot that I was suppose to be …um, aroused? It was non-stop, hardcore banging. How could I ever live up to this? Shit, twenty minutes and I’m ready for some ice cream. Who’s with me? I mean, um, I’m a virgin. I don’t see anything wrong with a couple watching porn to get their dinky doo’s wet. But, I am seeing more and more men engage in hardcore porn while masturbating to the beat…bow chicka wown wown. If you are a perfect woman, sorry toots, this post isn’t for you. This one is actually for the real women out there, with real vagina’s and these vagina’s have feelings. It’s no wonder half of the husbands aren’t slipping into bed at night, banging their wives. They just got their rocks off by watching “Tina Tuna” take it up the but with a jack hammer. The eyes are the window to the soul and the more you watch le porn, the more desensitized you become. It will be harder to top the next ‘masturbation session”. Some of you are rolling your eyes, others probably rolling their joints but I’ve seen this happen over and again.

Yes, look at those perfect, perky tits, damn their so bouncy, damn they cost $14,000. It costs money to look that good and some of us don’t have it, no I’m not knocking the fake knockers because I own a pair myself…I’m just trying to illustrate the illusion people are buying into. Fine, go stare at airbrushed, perfect women in the perfect light and then go try to get your dick hard with your wife. I know women whose husbands don’t even screw them, no. This is because they are jacking off on the side to the lovely porn. It’s a fantasy world. My guy friend who got completely desensitized by porn says sometimes he doesn’t even enjoy having sex because he’s so used to seeing the banging beauties on his HDTV. I know, you just think I”m jealous. Well, damn straight, I’m jealous of a fictional character…maybe one day I can star in my own comic strip and have nerds around the world wank off to me. I already know my alias…”The Comic Stripper”. We are all so unique in our own ways. There is no right or wrong way for a vagina to look. I have friends who have one vagina lip that is lower than the other. Yes, they are insecure about it but I am more concerned about them tripping and breaking an arm. I have friends who wish their taco was a little bit pinker in the middle. If you obsess and spank the monkey to these tight, pink, snatches- how do you think you are going to respond when you see a ‘real’ vagina? No, I’m not implying the vagina’s that look like Don King in a head lock (but more power to the bush ladies), I am talking about just an every day vagina that has it’s own unique style. Yes, vagina’s have style. You know, I thought all clits were the same. Silly me. It wasn’t until I saw a clit the size of Texas did I really start to grasp that hoo ha’s are all different.

What was I doing with a Texas clit? Um, it was a personal interview I had to do for the town paper. Um. For those of us who weren’t blessed with the funds to upgrade the boobies, they too come in all shapes and sizes. I have friends that have nipples the size of Ukraine. I have friends that have those perfect, pink nipples that always look so happy and perky. I have some friends who have one boob that is bigger than the other, most of them lean to the right. Why do I know so much about my friends genitalia and private areas? Us bitches talk, show and tell. I mean, no we don’t just whip out our vagina and slap one another in the face with it, but we do talk and compare. “My vagina is bigger than yours” “My vagina can beat your vagina’s ass”. You know, that sort of thing. Limit your porn. Put yourself on a porn diet. Learn to appreciate the real beauty of a woman’s body, her curves, her meat curtains, her double A and double D boobs. We all can’t be perfect when compared to “Tina Tuna” but we can be ‘almost’ perfect through the eyes of someone who loves us. Turn off the tv, quit surfing the web, quit jacking off and meet me in the bedroom. Not you, I’m talking to my man…you go with your partner and I go with mine? I know, that was really confusing. Viva La Vagina’s! We will rise above! God, I’m stupid.