Happy “Baby Daddy” Day everybody! Yes, it’s that special day where ‘baby daddies’ around the world come together to celebrate the joys of being a father. Okay, so maybe they don’t all come together but I’m pretty sure that most are celebrating, right? So, I just got back from my ‘baby daddy’ house. I actually put together an album of pictures of my son and him for Father’s Day. I know what you’re thinking, I’m a damn sweet baby mamma. Damn straight and damn skippy. Most women would turn their nose up at the idea of giving her ex a Father’s Day present. Look people, the man is going to be in your life for the next 18 years so you might as well make the best of it.
I know, I’m sure (like most relationships) it probably ended pretty shitty (hey, that rhymed) and there might be a little bitterness, maybe a tid bit of resentment. I had my moments of being pissed, I’m human..you know. At one point, I didn’t think I would piss on him if he were on fire. At one point, I wanted to be the fire starter. At one point, I thought I could murder him in his sleep…just slowly put a pillow over his head and watch him squirm as he slowly drifted off into la la land. At one point, I’m out of points but you get the point…I was one pissed off bitch.
If you are in the situation where your ex is the father of your child, the relationship can go one or two ways..good or bad. I mean, I’m sure it can be ‘luke warm’ in the middle sometimes but mostly it’s from one extreme to the other. I gave myself time to be pissed at him, hate him, despise him, throwing imaginary darts at his face and then I got over it…only after I hit bulls eye about a trillion times. *sigh* The good thing about pain is that it doesn’t have to last forever. At one point, the pain can and will pass but it’s up to you to move on. You can dilly dally all day in a big puddle of pain but as Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working for you?”.
You can’t focus anymore on what kind of partner he was. You can’t focus on everything he did wrong in the relationship, there should be a primary focus and that is, “What kind of father is he to my child?”. You are not in the equation anymore, whether you like it or not…You know how they say that romantic relationships take a lot of work, well ‘baby daddy’ relationships take just as much. I mean, you can hit auto pilot and just do what you have to do in order to keep the peace or you can actually swallow your pride and try to have some sort of positive relationship with the dude.
Imagine what a tremendous impact you will have on your child if he/she sees that mommy and daddy get along. Imagine how fulfilling it would be for the two of you to be in the same room together without strangling one another. My son has been blessed with two parents that have learned to get along and keep him as our primary focus. I know I spoke awhile ago about “Baby Mamma Drama” but in honor of all the “baby daddy’s”, I thought I would rehash somethings and give pointers on how to deal with your…..you guess it…baby daddy.
Dealing With Your Ex When A Child Is Involved
No Fighting: The two of you should never argue in front of the child. You have no idea how damaging this is to a little one. Think back to when you were a child, did your parents ever fight? How did you feel when they did? It puts a child in a strange, uncomfortable position. If you must spat, grab your balls and wait until a better time….at least you’ll have time to think about more of what to bitch about! Yes, we did argue in front of him a few times right before we broke up. He would cry and it totally broke my heart. I swore I would never do it again, so listen to me and don’t.
No Bad Talking: The best way to damage your child is to say the following things:
a) Your daddy is a loser.
b)Your daddy doesn’t want you.
c)Your daddy doesn’t love us.
d)Your daddy isn’t coming back.
As if the world isn’t going to have a damaging impact on our children, why must we rush the process? Never ever say things like this to your children. This is something you should say to your friends or family, not your child. Your child is not your friend, they’re not someone you can whatever you are feeling to. I don’t care if his Dad is a bum in the streets, little ones need to know that their daddy loves them and that he thinks the world of them. Hell, even if there isn’t a daddy, they still need to know that they are loved. When you start saying things like this, the child will start to feel worthless and feel as if they aren’t good enough for baby daddy. “He left because I’m worthless” “He doesn’t love me because I’m bad” “He’s not coming back because of me”. No matter what you say, a child will always blame his/herself. If you need to bitch, call a friend…don’t let your child hear you say these things, it’s damaging.
Be Uplifting: Yes, I know you might not like your baby daddy but your child doesn’t have to know that. As far as I’m concerned, it would be great for your child to never even get a hint that you are not on good terms with the baby daddy. Whenever my son starts to say “daddy’ a lot, I go out of my way to call him to let my son speak to him. Whenever he gets home from spending time with his father, I ask him “How was Daddy’s, did you have fun” “What did you and Daddy do?” I do not want my son to think there is anything wrong with his father or that there is anything wrong with spending time with him, calling him or loving him.
No Middle Man: You both are two grown adults and I’m sure you both speak English, there is no need to push your child to be the middle man or the messenger. If you need to tell the ‘baby daddy’ something, pick up the phone and call- it’s not like the fingers are broke. Putting a child in the middle is another way to quickly damage your child. YOU are the grown up, not your child. Allow them to enjoy their childhood and don’t push them into adulthood by making them deal with adult issues. If baby daddy is late with the child support check, don’t bitch about it to your child..call him and bitch. No, call a friend first and bitch so by the time you actually call him you won’t bitch as much. It’s really about being mature…two grown, mature adults.
Good Communication: Like any relationship, there has to be good communication. The older your child gets the tougher things are going to be. Just wait until sex, drugs and rock n roll come into play. You have to be able to really sit down and discuss these issues with your baby daddy. The two of you must be on the same page as far as discipline goes. My son’s father and I do talk about how we discipline. We call each other when we notice our son is doing something new or something funny. Sometimes I feel as if no one will ever love my son as much as me and his father does. It’s good to be able to call him sometimes and talk about the funny things our son does, it’s good to be able to talk to someone that loves him as much as I do.
So, those are just a few tips for “baby daddy” day. Don’t be that psycho woman and be labeled the one that brings the ‘baby mamma drama’. It’s easy to cause drama and to pick fights, it’s more trying to actually put forth effort in the relationship. Try not to be selfish. Try to remember the top priority here…which is your child.
06/21/09 Baby Daddy, Baby Mama Drama, Dealing With The Ex, Fighting Fair, Relationship Mistakes, Relationships 10 Comments
I JUST READ YOUR ARTICLE AND I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW YOU DID A FABULOUS JOB AND DR.PHIL HIMSELF WOULD BE IMPRESSED, I KNOW IT!
YOU HAD A LOT OF GREAT ADVICE AND I’M VERY GLAD I CAME ACROSS YOUR PAGE. MORE POWER TO YA GIRL! AND KEEP DION YA THING! <3 MUCH LOVE <3
,BROOKE
So glad I came across your blog. I will be giving birth to my first child in early Dec and my child’s father and I are no longer together. Keep ‘em coming. I can use all the advice I can get.
~Bridget
One of my dearest friends has such a douchebag of a baby daddy, I’ve never liked that word, however, in his case I’ll make more than an exception.
Talk about a loser!
Long story short, their not together, he broke up with her when she was 8mths pregnant, got someone else pregnant, his baby was born Jan/07, got married Jan/08,had a baby April/08, *go figure*.
I tell you, some men make me consider lesbianism.
So what do you do if the “baby daddys” girlfriend is a big insecure, manipulative, pain in the ass? what do you do if she gets in the way of your and his parenting? here’s my issue: he has my daughter on the weekends, shes almost 2. he wont answer the phone if the girlfriends around because she wont allow it. she says it makes her feel uncomfortable. I’m a good person. Level-headed. I’m no the statistic of a jealous baby mama. What do i do? she makes my life hell.
I know what will end this real quick like, do you have an agreement through the courts? When the pompous ass and I broke up, we both got our own attorney’s (of course, we could have agreed outside of court but since he went behind the back- I had no choice but to get my own) and we had a ‘contract/agreement’ written up. Is he court ordered to pay child support? Personally, he needs to man up and grow a nice pair of balls. In our agreement, we are to communicate about our son. In our stipulated judgement, it is documented and signed by both of us that as far as the “General Welfare Of Child” there will be no negative comments regarding the other spouse in front of the child, no discussion of legal proceedings in front of child, prompt attendance & transportation, we are to facilitate communication, we are to provide all contact information if any contact information changes, we are to create a positive environment for the child, we can not relocate our son. There is also something outlined regarding overnight visitors, no one is allowed to live with a ‘partner’ unless they are married. The list goes on. This is something I suggest doing, it will nip all that stupid shit in the bud. There will be many girlfriends come and go but you are going to be there for several years so he needs to get comfortable about communicating with you and needs to stop allowing some outsider to dictate how he uses his balls. It doesn’t matter how nice you are to her, she is jealous so she will respond like it. No matter how nice you are to her, I assume that she will think your intent is not genuine. See what you can do about getting a stipulated judgment then take that shit to trial. <———–okay, don't take it to trial but meet in the middle with the agreement and he'll have no choice but to stick to it.
I had a baby girl 7 months ago. my baby’s father and I dated for a few years however when he found I was pregnant, he went back to ex girlfriend who hates my living soul. I filed for child support at the begining of August 2009 and he made his first payment at the end of January 2010. He filed an appeal but still has to pay what the case worker said until the judge makes his final determination in a few months. This has been a very hard diccult road for me. I blame myself for getting into this situation but I love my daughter. I don’t want her to be messed up but I do not trust his girlfriend with her. He didn’t even come to see her when she was born. How am I supposed to deal with him and her. I am afraid he will try and get custody of her when the judge slaps him with a higher payment than he has now. He makes over $200,000.00 a year. That is not the only difficult problem. I still have feelings for him and I think he still has feelings for me. How would I be able to follow the advice above?
okay Quenn,
I have honestly tried to be nice to my babydaddy.my child is one years old and my babydaddy has had 2 other kids..by 2 other woman in the past 2 years and it is nothin but drama.. these woman live in 2 diffeent states and since this has hapened our relationships as parents has went down the drain. He has not seen my son since november 2009.. i mean i really dont know what to do anymore. He doesnt pay child support and i feel its pointless to take him to cour for child support b/c he works under the tavle for everyone..sometimes i feel my child is better off without him and his 2 other babymommas. i have never experienced this in my life i feel like i should be on jerry springer or something..i havent even told my family about this situation.HELP!
I get your overall gist, that it is both healthy and mature to maintain a cordial relationship with the father of your child for the sake of the child. But not every unwed mother’s situation is so cut and dry. For instance, if dealing with a very immature guy who never wanted to accept responsibility in the first place for his hand in creating the child has been uncooperative from the start—it sets the foundation for a very “rocky” and emotionally strained relationship. Of course, the woman usually realizes she must rise above her emotions and be the bigger person—but where is the line drawn between creating a stable environment for the child that includes a “good guy father” and creating a facade of a relationship with someone who doesn’t deserve to be acknowledged in that way. Personally, I think your advice resonates with women who were in long-term, committed and loving relationships that simply didn’t work out after a child was created. Wherein the lines of communication and mutual respect have already been established. Versus, when dealing with women who become pregnant by men who they weren’t in solid relationships with to begin with. Which brings up the question, of why they would allow themselves to become pregnant to begin with. But things happen. I just don’t want to spend the next 18 years of my child’s life focusing on how to create some “fatherly” image from their father if he never stepped up to the plate. I would much rather focus my energies on being a great mother and hopefully, surrounding them around role models and people who genuinely wanted and loved them from the start.
ik have a question for you … what about baby daddys gf…. im in a perdicament and my babys daddys gf is psycho she chased him out the house with a knife and talks shit to me all the time about me and our daughter and my baby daddy juss wont leave her and i just cant subject my child to a nut case. I dont want my daughter to grow up with out him but i dont want her life in danger either. What can i do to shake her off his tail?
Everything you are saying is so right. I’d like to think I’m a decent individual and I have tried my best when dealing with my baby’s daddy, but girl he never seems to stop create new low’s. He avoids our daughter. They stared each other in the face and he ran away and hide. How do I maintain after that? She is devastated!