The Queen of Relationships

Oh me, I remember my “Want” list years ago, well… 2 and a half years ago to be exact. What  happened 2 1/2 years ago? I popped out a baby. Yes, I know…it was quite an experience…stretch marks, constipation, epidural, blood, amniotic sac, FETUS… wait, where was I? Oh yes, my want list: I think it looked a little something like this:

1)Must Love Dogs
2)No Kids
3)Must Love Chicken
4)No Kids
5)Must Love Vibrators
6)No Kids

You get the point, right? Married men and men with children were 100% forbidden, well for me anyways. Silly,uh? What was my reasoning? I didn’t want something who had already..well, been “had”. I didn’t want a ready made family. I didn’t want someone to have to call me “Miss Lindsay”. I didn’t want to deal with a crazy ex-wife. I didn’t want to write out a check for $1000 a month for child support. I didn’t want a constant reminder that my man and some other woman f*cked. I mean, to me, kids were just little f*cking reminders. I know, I should be ashamed of myself but I’m not. I mean, come on, can you blame me? I was a single, independent woman who had no clue about children. They scared me. I would be lying if I said they still don’t scare me a little, just a bit. Anyway, all I know is that one day I woke up and every man on the planet (it seemed) had children. I searched high and low for a man that hadn’t populated. You see, I had this cool idea of never getting married or ever having kids. I was going to be the small town “Angelina Jolie” and adopt Asian babies and wear cool sunglasses. Then, I stumbled on a dude that had no kids, no ex wife and yeehaw, there was gold in them thar hills. Needless to say, we saw, we came and then we conquered and by the time it was all over I was Miss Mommy Lindsay.

So, it was a surprise and a beautiful one at that. Dammit, if I knew this mother thing was going to be so cool..I would have started having babies years ago. Ok, not really. Somehow I managed to go from Miss Lindsay to Mommy Lindsay to Single Mommy Lindsay. Funny how that kind of works out. For awhile, I never thought about dating but as months passed I started to wonder what kind of man would want to date a woman who had a little baby? Warning: Here comes random thought: It’s amazing how selective we get once we have children.I stayed single for almost a year or more because I became incredibly picky and choosy. No, I wasn’t looking for a father for my son, he already had one but I was looking for someone that would be a positive influence. Damn, slim pickings. I actually told myself that I would probably never find a compatible partner that would accept me plus my cute little baggage. I prepared myself to be single and decided that I would rather be single than be with someone who didn’t accept my little one. Eventually, I started dating a dude. I find it somewhat comical that he (like all the others I’ve dated) had no children. Am I wrong for thinking “YES!”? Am I wrong for thinking that one kid is all I can handle at the moment?

*Sigh* How do I always manage to crap up my post with complete bullshit before I even get to the damn point? So, this is really my first relationship since the wonk wonk wonk ex. It’s extremely new for me to be dating someone other than my son’s father. I can only imagine how new it is for the dude because he’s never dated anyone with children. Is it okay to say it’s the blind leading the blind? Anywho, moving on to bigger and better balls..err, I mean things. I wanted, for my own therapeutic selfish reasons, to post about issues and tips concerning dating with children.

1. Scare Tactics: The quickest way to scare the hell out of someone on a first date is to focus 101% on your children. I know, you’re a proud parent but for some reason, it can easily freak the other person out. Pulling out pictures and talking about how Bobby’s balls just dropped isn’t something someone really wants to hear about in the beginning. I think it’s important to mention that you have children and tis okay to tell the ages/sex/etc but leave it at that. It’s okay to focus on yourself or someone else for five minutes, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Slowly progress into doting on your children. Of course, if the person you are going out with has children also- this whole tip might as well go down the drain. 

2. Love My Children Or Die:Don’t shoot the messenger, but another way to scare the shit out of someone (dudes especially) is to tell them that you just want to find someone that will love your child as much as you do. Hey lady, get with the program. I’m sorry but you’re THE mother, I doubt anyone will ever love your little one as much as you do. If some dude told me that in the beginning I would freak because I would feel a tremendous amount of pressure. “Okay, so not only do I have to make this relationship work but now I have to fall in love with his child and show as much love as he does- eeck, pressure”. This isn’t me saying that it’s not possible for another to completely love your child but go easy with the pressure, it makes me nervous and pee a little.

3. Mr. Father: Do not go out searching for a father for your children. This is a terrible reason to match up with someone. Are you even thinking about yourself? I mean, are you trying to find a match for yourself or your children? Oh, I get it…it’s both. Good idea. Why don’t you first seek out someone you are compatible with, go with the flow and see how they measure up?If you have a good judge of character, you’ll be able to tell if they are “dating a woman with children” material..notice I didn’t say “father” material. I doubt dudes are lining around the block to play daddy, I’m just sayin. Yes, the children need to be considered in every relationship you have but you can’t just go out and seek Daddy Warbucks. Scratch that, I give you total permission to find Daddy Warbucks and if you do, tell his brother to um, well..never mind.

4. Meet Your New Daddy:The worst thing you can do is introduce your children to every person you date. Um, can you say confusion? Hell, if you think dating is confusing..imagine what your children will think. I know, you are problaby thinking that every one is THE one, slow down Cletus. Do not introduce your children to THE one, two, three or four until you are in a established, committed relationship. Children get attached, okay? You don’t want your children to grow up and remember how men/women were in and out of their life all the time? Also, please be sensitive if your children are old enough to understand that a dirty divorce just happened. I know, your craving love but you must respect the healing process of your children. Set an amount of time, like 4 months or something and then reconsider, let it marinate, mull it over and then go for the grand introduction. Dammit, why are my posts always so damn long?

5.Soccer,Dance,PTA,Girl Scouts,OH MY: If you are dating someone with children, then they might possibly understand what it’s like to have them, damn I hope they understand. Anyway, you must be sensitive to your partners feelings and their need to want to spend time with you. Don’t go overboard with things. Be sure that your partner is not denied attention due to the children getting it all. Yes, I know it sucks but you must figure out a way to juggle it all. Look, I’m not saying you have to be a magician…just talented. Don’t forget- you are more than just a parent. Parents reading this right now are probably rolling their eyes at me MY CHILDREN ARE EVERYTHING TO ME,…………..AND? My son is everything to me but I know that I have a parent life and a personal life. I try not to deprive either, mmmk?

6. Baby Daddy Checks & Disputes:Oh, isn’t it grand..and isn’t it lovely? Yes, child support, custody, and disputes can get sticky and gooey. Oh, I love it when it’s gooey..oh. Don’t put your partner in the  middle of it. Don’t make them feel as if they need to come up with a solution. It’s okay to lean on them but this is you and your ex’s shindig. It really is between you and the ex and no one else. Yes, every one is entitled to an opinion but ultimately it’s you and the beast ex. Don’t involve your partner in “Baby Daddy/Mamma” drama. Please keep the peace. Please avoid drama. Your mamma always told you to place nice with others, so um..start implementing it..damn I love that word.

7. Mommy’s A Freak: Okay, so if your a freak…great! I mean..really, it really is great…what are you doing later? Hats off to you but your children shouldn’t know you are a freak. WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! Look, I know parents that share personal, intimate details with their children because they are ‘friends’. Even if it’s not about intimate details, keep the adult conversation for the adults. I don’t care if it’s about getting dumped or how you are so passionate about so and so. You just look pretty being the parent and don’t involve the children with your daytime soap life. If you need to bicker, spill beans, cry, scream, cuss, brag..please call a friend not your children.

8.Go To Your Room, Cletus: It’s important to lay out the ground rules. What are they? Hell, I dunno that’s why I was asking you. You and your partner need to sit down and put together some house rules, this way there is no confusion as to what the hell is going on. I don’t have ground rules set as of now but do as I say, not as I do. It’s important that you and your partner talk about forms of discipline and who has the authority to do so.If anyone has set ground rules, please fill me in because I’m not good with making rules..just breaking them. DAMMIT, I’M SUCH A REBEL!

Yes, I thought about going all the way to 10 but I figured I had bored you long enough. Yes, I am giving you a break..just this once. Look, relationships are hard work and relationships with children involved are even harder. Not only do you have to worry about yourself and your partner but you have to worry about little innocent souls in the process. Both you and your mate need to be sensitive to the children’s feelings and situation. Relationships never get to the point where they don’t need work, they can always improve for the better…I was going to say something really deep and touching right about now, but I forgot. Oh look, a bird.