The Queen of Relationships

I know what you are thinking, “Duh, we all know Madonna is a whore”. *cough* I’m not really talking about “THAT” Madonna. No sir, the Madonna I am talking about doesn’t vogue nor does she live in a material world. Through the years, you’ve probably heard all the stories about men trying to bone their partner, getting the popular, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache”. Society has conditioned our minds to believe that all men want sex and women just do it to shut them up. I’m sure there are a few truths to this. Yes, I admit it, I have had sex just to shut someone up. It didn’t work. The more they get the more they want, right? Can you blame them? Needless to say, this isn’t the direction I wanted to go in, excuse me while I do a 180. *superhuman zip zap doodle 180*

Ever heard of women that can’t get sex? Well, I mean, I am sure there’s always someone that’ll do them but I am talking about women not getting sex from their man. GASP! Oh yes Jeana, it happens and it happens a lot. This topic was spawned through deep thinking, chanting and looking back on my own personal situations. Yes, I have personal situations. Wanna hear about them? Pull up a chair. Let me first say, I was hesitant to even write about this because it’s somewhat personal but since most of my readers are out in cyber sexspace, I convinced myself that it was okay. The way I see it is, if all my bitching and moaning helps just one person- my work is done here and I will get my crown in heaven…or whatever is after the after. Hot Dog, anyone?

Let me first start off by saying, deep down- I know I ain’t ugly. I don’t think I’ve gotten hit with the ugly stick. Now, I’m not saying this to come across as conceited because if you knew what kind of shape I was in (regarding this situation) you would notice that conceited is the wrong term, more like beaten down and oppressed. Damn, that seemed kind of sad when I typed that. (I would like to invite every one to my pity party tomorrow at 4:00.) Read the rest of this entry »

You are in a relationship that is fulfilling  and you feel as if the two of you are perfect for one another, you get along great, you do all sorts of things together, you respect one another, you are somewhat compatible, you make one another happy BUT ….HUGE BUT…you do not have sex: This IS not a romantic relationship THIS IS a FRIENDSHIP!!

Women can only go so long without sex until they start to see their mate as a good guy friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? If you are not bumping nasties with me on a routine basis, you are not going WITH me to a deeper level therefore you will slowly get pushed into the friend zone. Yes, we all need friends  but some of us are looking for someone to take the majority of our heart. There’s three parts to the heart IMO:

Section 1: Family
Section 2: Friends
Section 3: Children in Ethiopia
Section 4: Fuzzy Feelings.

Now, the fuzzy feelings take up the majority of the heart and is reserved for that one special person. This part of the heart is where all the romantic mushiness resides. It’s where love blossoms and it’s where the deep connection blooms. Now, let me explain to you how a ‘deep connection’ is stimulated in a woman. You’re probably thinking that “Section 4″ of the heart can be bought, you are mistaken- my friend. No diamonds, dildos or donuts will do. Disclaimer: The auther of this post is speaking from her own Section 4, not women of America’s Section 4 You want to know how women get and keep that deep, soulful connection? Sex. Yes, sex. Now, how hard is that? Obviously not hard enough.

Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying and get the idea that I am simply saying sex is all we need. We need all that other bullshit like validation, appreciation, understanding, and SEX. You see? I have loads of friends and it’s understood that our friends validate us and appreciate us but we don’t bang our friends. Oh wait, some of us do but then we skate over to the “Friends With Benefits” zone and that’s another post in itself. So, in order for us to differentiate the difference between you and our good friend Bob, you must inject the penis. Disclaimer: These are only the psychotic, demented views of the author Yes, we know that you guys bond by doing stuff with us and sharing those Kodak moments and we have no problem going along with the bonding process, but we need and want intimate, touching, romantic, hard core,  monkey, hanging from the rafters, embarrassing your mother SEX. Okay, it doesn’t HAVE to be wild sex, any penetration will do- as long as it’s not in the booty. I’m sorry but I will lose my deep connection with you if you go deep into my ass.

We laugh together, converse together, play together, cook together, solve problems together…all of these things create a semi-circle around Section 4, if you want to complete the circle..there must be sex. Yes, we know, sex is more of an action to you…it isn’t bonding, unspoken emotions, connecting..it’s just sloppy slam bam thank you mam. It’s just another moment in life where you have to raise your heartbeat, get sweaty and shoot mini you’s. Sorry pal, women don’t see it that way. Think of it this way- the closest you can be to someone (physically) is to be inside someone [The closest you can be to someone (emotionally) is to be inside their Section 4]. Sex is putting the cherry on top of the relationship. We don’t confirm our friendships by banging our same sex friends, do we? “Oh damn, that Cindy was something special, Whew Wee, I can tell we’re going to be GREAT friends…” When women have sex with a man, they are letting you into their world. They are letting you have a piece of them (piece of ass) and their Section 4. Unless their whores, you should consider having sex with a woman something special.

Now, we know you banged the hell out of us in the beginning because it was vagina and you were all excited and twitterpated. We were just as excited as you were, but all of a sudden…DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD and so is your ding dong. All of a sudden, life seems to grab you by the balls and you’re too busy, too stressed, too tired, too hungry, too impotent, too f*cking your secretary. How can you NOT want to bang me? Now, you’ve gone and done it. Women are conditioned to think that every man wants, eats, sleeps and dreams about sex. We are dumbfounded when we stumble upon one that thinks otherwise. First, we research all outside resources to see if and what might be impacting your boner. Then, we do the womanly thing (we all do it) and starting point the boner at ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you are too tired, too hungry, too busy, too stressed, too limp….Let me tell you what a woman thinks when her man does not want to have sex with her:

1. He’s f*cking someone else
2. I’m not good enough
3. I must suck in bed
4. I must have an ugly body and he’s not attracted to me
5. My breasts must look funny, he’s laughing at my vagina
6. My vagina must smell like armpit
7. He’s embarrassed to see me naked, now I”m embarrassed to be naked
8. I guess I just don’t do it for him
9. He’s f*cking someone else
10.He’s just not that into me (I hate this phrase n0w)

Read the rest of this entry »

Well I’ll be, looks like it’s time to talk about what turns women off. Yeehaw. I have been turned off many a times in my day. Actually, I think I’m been turned off more than I’ve been turned on. What the hell is that all about? Don’t you men read the manuals that we come with? Don’t you know what to say and what not to say? It’s written right there, Chapter 2, page 8. Get with it, people. Us women are simple creatures, it really doesn’t take much to turn us on. Did I just say that? I think I just lied. Okay, so we’re not really that simple but our turn-offs are not as complex as we are. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Just in case you missed the memo, I’m going to shout it from the mountain tops what turns us off. *gets on mountain top Soap Box*

What Turns Women Off 

1) Pooty Wooty:What is it when men and farting? Where the hell does it all come from? I used to date a guy that farted in the tub and popped the bubbles with his teeth. He farted in the morning, he farted at lunch, he farted under the covers and he farted on me. He was a total fart head. Look, it takes a lot to embarrass me. You can pull my pants down in the middle of 3rd and 5th street and I would jiggle my booty for everyone, but if you fart on me…I will blush on myself and run for cover. Women do not sit around and tell jokes and fart like you guys do. Well, most of us don’t. Please keep your gas in your ass. I don’t care how long we’ve dated you, we will never be comfortable smelling, tasting, or hearing your dirty, juicy, wet poots. If you are so proud of farting, please go into the bathroom and fart in a jar and you can share it with “the guys” later on. Women do not like farting. Also, women DO NOT fart…..they fluff. This turn-off stinks to high heaven. *poot* Oops, excuse me. I hate it when they slip.

2)Potty Mouth:Okay, cursing is okay every once in awhile. It’s okay when you stub your toe or when your favorite team lost the game. It’s not okay to say f*ck (all the time) in an ordinary conversation. I used to date a guy that cursed like a sailor. I kept telling him that he had a potty mouth and asked him why the hell he always cursed. “It’s just how I talk”. (*Note- this cursor was also the farter, boy did I have a weenerwinner). These days bad words are just a part of our vocabulary. It seems like it’s not cursing anymore, they are basically just popular adjectives. If you want to get a classy woman, you need to watch your tongue. If you’d like to date someone that has a mouth as bad as you, feel free to drop the F bomb all you want. Class or trash? The decision is all yours.

3)Bushy Sausage:Some people might like this, I’m just speaking for part of my generation. Why must you keep it bushy? If your penis as an afro, please do us all a favor and trim it. We go down there to do business, not to rest our head on your bush and take a nap. Plus, while we are doing our oral deed, we don’t want to have bush in our teeth. Gone are the days that people have bushes, shaved is  in. Get with the program. If you have never shaven before, I recommend renting out a bush hog to tackle your pubic-fro.

4)Stanky Stank: There’s nothing worse than a man that does not take care of himself. Look if you are a bum on the side of the road…you are exempt from this turn-off, but if you aren’t- listen up. Women do not want to smell your stinky pits. Please don’t put your arm around us and kill our brain cells. Women do not like hair in the ears. What are you trying to do? Build a bird nest? Hairs hanging out of the nose is gross. It only makes it look as if any second Tarzan is going to come down swinging on one of your hairs. Shave it, buzz it, pluck it…hell, whatever it takes. I’m sorry but women do not like hairy men. If you have a hairy back, go get it waxed. Please take a bath and wash your balls and for God’s sake, GET THE LINT OUT OF YOUR BELLY BUTTON!

5)Basement Dweller: I know, I know…you don’t have to tell me. You’re trying to save money. Wait, no, you’re trying to pay off your credit card bills. There will never and I do mean NEVER be a good enough excuse for living in your parents basement. (Oh, unless you have a sick parent and you are taking care of them) This is a great way to stay single the rest of your life. Ugh, I’ve dated guys that lived with their parents, some were still blessed with a curfew. If you are over the age of 25, get a real job and get a real roof over your head without your parents underneath it. The  women that date men who are living with their parents are the women who are still  living with theirs. What a cute couple the two of you will make. You two can take turns eating dinner with the parents. How sweet. Get OUT of the house.

6)Pick-Up Disaster:I have on bullet for the person that came up with pick-up lines. Haven’t you realized that we’ve heard every one in the book? Pick-up lines are dripping with cheesiness to the point of making us nauseous. When you drop pick-up lines on women, it only tells us that you weren’t original to come up with something on your own like, “Hi, I’m Bob…what’s your name?” See how easy that was, Bob? If you want to pick-up a few laughs and see a dozen eyes rolled, use your little corny pick-up lines. If you want to make a good first impression, be yourself and say what comes natural. If you can’t think of anything to say, go back to your parents basement. I’ll never forget the guy that used a pick-up line on me, “Nice shoes, wanna f*ck?”

7)Titty Sucker: Yes, I know…what’s so bad about being a titty sucker? Don’t most men like to suck on nipples? Well, of course they do but it’s a little weird when it’s your mother’s tit. It’s called LEAVE AND CLEAVE, dude. Look, it’s been 35 years already, there is no more lactating and no reason to continue to suck. Women DO NOT like the mamma’s boy. We want to be the woman in your life and we don’t want to have to worry about you running to your mother every time something goes wrong. If you are going to suck on titty, it had better be mind.

8)Wondering Eyes: Look, why are you even with us? Oh, because you enjoy being with us? I couldn’t tell considering you have looked at every woman that has passed within the past 20 minutes. Don’t think I don’t notice, I have eyes in the back of my head. You might as well go up and grab her boob. We know you are visual creatures and that’s fine but you need to be a visual creature with respect. Did you get that? Do not talk about how other women are hot in front of us. Do not whistle at women in front of us. Do not stare at women in front of us. If you want those women so badly, go after them and don’t waste our time. If you want to have several nights in the dog house, keep feasting your eyes on others.

9)Kiss-N-Tell:Yes I know, you want to be the “cool guy”. You want your friends to think that you are some kind of pimp. We know and we get it. Sleeping with us and then running and telling everyone is a great way to never get in our pants again. Most women are very to themselves when it comes to their sex life. The last thing we need is you shouting it from the mountain tops. One of our fears is that you will come out looking like the pimp and we will only be labeled a slut. If you want more nooky, I suggest you keep your lips sealed.

10)Negativity: If we wanted to hear sad stories all the time, we would go visit Debbie Downers. Wonk Wonk Wonk. Why would any woman want to be with a man that is full of negativity? We get enough of it living in the world today, we don’t need it from you. Talking bad about others, yourself and life in general is a total turn-off. Women want to be with someone who is positive and that can had meaning to their life. Negativity is contagious and we don’t want to catch it.

*Honorable Mention* 

Cross Dressing- Yes, it’s okay for me to wear your boxers, it is not okay for you to wear my panties. The last thing I want to see is your balls hanging out of my g-string. It’s just not fancy. I don’t care if you tuck or not. If you feel the need to steal my panties, please keep it to yourself. We don’t get it and we really don’t want to know about it.