The Queen of Relationships

A  friend of mine came over the other day, blabbing on the phone, like most of us women do. She walked in my room, phone glued to ear, and I heard her say, “Oh, you know she’s got some, she’s probably got a collection of them”. She looked at me and said, “Where’s your collection?”. Um, my stamp collection is in the bottom drawer where the curling iron is. “No, your porn collection”. Mmm, let me think if I have a porn collection..:I’m thinking, I’m thinking: Nope, I’m pretty sure I don’t have one. What? The foul “Queen of Relationships” doesn’t have a porn collection? Just because I like to say dick and fuck doesn’t mean I like to watch it on the tv. Needless to say, it was my friend’s birthday and she wanted to get with her man and have a pornish night with ass slapping and titty tweaking, I wasn’t invited. Dammit, I’m such a loser. So, what about this porn stuff? What do I think about porn? Let me tell you my first experience with porn. In college, I had a gay friend whose parents were coming into town to visit. He was afraid his mother would go snooping so he made me hold on to his porn. Well, my roomy and I got the great idea to pop popcorn and watch porn. Pop-porn! I grabbed the bowl of popcorn (because I am a piggy) and got ready to watch the porn. I wasn’t sure what I was suppose to do while I watched porn. Was I suppose to bust out my dildo? Was I going to feel uncomfortable because I was watching it with my girl roomy? Was this going to lead to some girl on girl action? Read the rest of this entry »

I know what you are thinking, “Duh, we all know Madonna is a whore”. *cough* I’m not really talking about “THAT” Madonna. No sir, the Madonna I am talking about doesn’t vogue nor does she live in a material world. Through the years, you’ve probably heard all the stories about men trying to bone their partner, getting the popular, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache”. Society has conditioned our minds to believe that all men want sex and women just do it to shut them up. I’m sure there are a few truths to this. Yes, I admit it, I have had sex just to shut someone up. It didn’t work. The more they get the more they want, right? Can you blame them? Needless to say, this isn’t the direction I wanted to go in, excuse me while I do a 180. *superhuman zip zap doodle 180*

Ever heard of women that can’t get sex? Well, I mean, I am sure there’s always someone that’ll do them but I am talking about women not getting sex from their man. GASP! Oh yes Jeana, it happens and it happens a lot. This topic was spawned through deep thinking, chanting and looking back on my own personal situations. Yes, I have personal situations. Wanna hear about them? Pull up a chair. Let me first say, I was hesitant to even write about this because it’s somewhat personal but since most of my readers are out in cyber sexspace, I convinced myself that it was okay. The way I see it is, if all my bitching and moaning helps just one person- my work is done here and I will get my crown in heaven…or whatever is after the after. Hot Dog, anyone?

Let me first start off by saying, deep down- I know I ain’t ugly. I don’t think I’ve gotten hit with the ugly stick. Now, I’m not saying this to come across as conceited because if you knew what kind of shape I was in (regarding this situation) you would notice that conceited is the wrong term, more like beaten down and oppressed. Damn, that seemed kind of sad when I typed that. (I would like to invite every one to my pity party tomorrow at 4:00.) Read the rest of this entry »

So, is your man always beating down the bedroom door trying to get in to your dildo box? Is he coming home from work like a mad stallion ready to pounce the second he walks in the door? Is your man chasing you around the house with a raging hard on? Don’t you worry your pretty face, there are several things you can do to make his willy go wonk, wonk, wonk. If you are tired of saying, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” or “I think I need to wash my hair” or “I’m just too tired” or “It’s that time of the month”, get on board and start utilizing these steps to make his Willy Wonka sad. Now, I can not be held responsible for the outcome, which will be…viola…no sex. There will be no bitching nor whining after you have done the limp willy deed. Please proceed with caution and please remember, willy’s have feelings to.

Make Pee Pee/Poo Poo:When your man comes home from work, you must make sure he catches you in rare form. “Honey, where are you?”…”I’m in here, dear”. Let him follow your voice all the way to the bathroom, where you will be squatting down on the toilet making a fabulous shadoobie. Or, you could be peeing…better yet, be peeing standing up- this will really freak him out. Men do not want to know that we have bodily functions. They would rather believe that the things just magically disappear. So, letting your man in on your little (or big) shadoobie secret is enough to make willy wonka go wonka wonk.

Past Sexual Relationships: The next time you have one of your “headaches”, go ahead and proceed with the booty making. Now, you must wait for the right moment for this one. Allow him to give oral sex and right in the middle of it, you need to say, “Wow, that was amazing…you did it just as good as Jeremy, if not better”. You must be prepared for a wild, psychotic response. This should do the trick though. Don”t be surprised if you never get sex again, isn’t that what you were going for anyway? Score! So, comparing your man’s sexual performance to others is a quick and easy way to make Mr. Happy not in the mood.

Faking It:I shouldn’t even write about this one because you are probably already doing it. This one requires a little bit of pizazz and Drama 101. Yes, we are talking about faking an orgasm. Now, I’m not talking about the believable fake orgasm. I am talking about the “She’s totally faking it” orgasm. It’s surpasses “When Harry Met Sally”. You will need to scream at the top of your lungs, pull your own hair out, possibly start snorting, twitch, foam at the mouth…you know, the usual. He will be so turned off by your poor attempt (great attempt, in my opinion) at an orgasm that he’d probably rather just masturbate from here on out. Yeehaw! So, faking a obvious, dramatic, psychotic orgasm…ending it with a generic “That was great” (kind of like MORE OVALTINE PLEASE)will make his taliwaker want to run and hide.

Vaginal Flatulence:This is the perfect way to scare the hell out of your man. We all know what vaginal flatulence is, also known as “Queef”. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s just how it is sometimes but if you all of a sudden got a really bad queefing problem, you’re man is more likely to read the newspaper than fill you up. I am not the one to teach “Queefing 101″ but there are many tutorials on the Internet that teach you how to do this on command. It’s a good idea to bump nasties a few times and let a few slip, “Oops, sorry honey” and then work your way up to a “Queef Off”. Look, we need to hurry this one up…I’m getting embarrassed hanging around in this tip. So, letting your man think you have croaking frogs in your vagina will most likely have his ding dong running for the hills.

Bossy Bitch Sex:The last thing your man wants is for you to be “Miss Know-It-All” in the bedroom. What you are going to do is be ‘the guide’ in the bedroom. Next time ya’ll are in the sac, you call all the shots. You will act like you are orchestrating the entire butt session. “Okay, not it’s time for some foreplay”, “I need you to go down slowly on me and then come back up and say Poppernickle” “You’re going to slow” “You’re going to fast” “What do you think you’re doing” “Pull my hair” “Slap my ass” “You’re pulling too hard” “You’re not pulling hard enough” “Who taught you how to ***?” MOVE IT SOLDIER! Okay, maybe the soldier part was a little bit over the top. Now, you will end this Bossy Bitch Sex with “Is it in yet?”. So, being a bossy bitch will put you on the top of his “Not To Do List” in a hurry.

The Corpse: If you haven’t scared him off by now, (what a trooper) this one will not only scare him off but bore him to death. Yes, it involves having sex again but simmer down, we’re almost done. This one is easy as pie. Now, when ya’ll are in the bed together and he starts to feel you up, touching you, caressing you…just lay there. When it starts sticking his tongue in your hoo ha, just lay there. When he mounts you and starts panting, just lay there. If you want to look at your watch a few times, this works also. After you have used so much sexual energy to just…well, lay there…and while he is still panting heavy bust out with a snore. So, playing the dead corpse will definitely put a damper on his idea of sex, again, he would probably just rather masturbate so willy will be happy.

Poor Hygiene:This step/tip does not involve intercourse because by the time he smells your funky ass, he’ll have hauled ass. This one takes a few weeks to work on though but is a win/win. Stop shaving your legs, under your arms and don’t shave your dildo box. You want to make sure you have the wildest Afro on the block. Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with a Macy Gray Afro but the armpit and leg Afro will freak him out. Also, we are going to go against our dentist’s recommendations and skip on the whole brushing our teeth thing. The one thing that will scare a man off though is a stinky tinky winky. Look, I don’t know how to make that happen and I really don’t think I want to talk about it, you can figure that one out on your own. So, looking sloppy, being messy, smelling god awful, being bushy and having an armpit Afro….his Johnson will have no choice but to go to the dark side.

Say His Name:You’re probably wondering what saying his name is going to do. I didn’t say WHOSE name! This one will will be the big finale. The two of you are getting at it, it’s wild, it’s hot..It’s GIRLS GONE WILD (oops, wrong post) it’s passionate, it’s dramatic, it’s _______ and _______. Wait until he starts huffing and puffing, go in for the fake orgasm, be dramatic, start screaming “Oh yes Oh yes…OMG JEREMY Don’t STOP, Jeremy Don’t Stop” (his name is Bob) I am willing to bet my left nipple that he never wants to have sex with you again. This is a victory, my friend. Not only will you be booty less, you will also be manless. Congratulations!

Warning: This post is for entertainment purposes only. If you really want to dodge having sex with your man THAT bad, then maybe you should find a new man. If you really feel the need to complete any one of these steps, please run to your nearest mental institute, I’ll be waiting for you!

Articles:

10 Things That Turn Off Men
His Biggest Turn-Offs

You are in a relationship that is fulfilling  and you feel as if the two of you are perfect for one another, you get along great, you do all sorts of things together, you respect one another, you are somewhat compatible, you make one another happy BUT ….HUGE BUT…you do not have sex: This IS not a romantic relationship THIS IS a FRIENDSHIP!!

Women can only go so long without sex until they start to see their mate as a good guy friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? If you are not bumping nasties with me on a routine basis, you are not going WITH me to a deeper level therefore you will slowly get pushed into the friend zone. Yes, we all need friends  but some of us are looking for someone to take the majority of our heart. There’s three parts to the heart IMO:

Section 1: Family
Section 2: Friends
Section 3: Children in Ethiopia
Section 4: Fuzzy Feelings.

Now, the fuzzy feelings take up the majority of the heart and is reserved for that one special person. This part of the heart is where all the romantic mushiness resides. It’s where love blossoms and it’s where the deep connection blooms. Now, let me explain to you how a ‘deep connection’ is stimulated in a woman. You’re probably thinking that “Section 4″ of the heart can be bought, you are mistaken- my friend. No diamonds, dildos or donuts will do. Disclaimer: The auther of this post is speaking from her own Section 4, not women of America’s Section 4 You want to know how women get and keep that deep, soulful connection? Sex. Yes, sex. Now, how hard is that? Obviously not hard enough.

Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying and get the idea that I am simply saying sex is all we need. We need all that other bullshit like validation, appreciation, understanding, and SEX. You see? I have loads of friends and it’s understood that our friends validate us and appreciate us but we don’t bang our friends. Oh wait, some of us do but then we skate over to the “Friends With Benefits” zone and that’s another post in itself. So, in order for us to differentiate the difference between you and our good friend Bob, you must inject the penis. Disclaimer: These are only the psychotic, demented views of the author Yes, we know that you guys bond by doing stuff with us and sharing those Kodak moments and we have no problem going along with the bonding process, but we need and want intimate, touching, romantic, hard core,  monkey, hanging from the rafters, embarrassing your mother SEX. Okay, it doesn’t HAVE to be wild sex, any penetration will do- as long as it’s not in the booty. I’m sorry but I will lose my deep connection with you if you go deep into my ass.

We laugh together, converse together, play together, cook together, solve problems together…all of these things create a semi-circle around Section 4, if you want to complete the circle..there must be sex. Yes, we know, sex is more of an action to you…it isn’t bonding, unspoken emotions, connecting..it’s just sloppy slam bam thank you mam. It’s just another moment in life where you have to raise your heartbeat, get sweaty and shoot mini you’s. Sorry pal, women don’t see it that way. Think of it this way- the closest you can be to someone (physically) is to be inside someone [The closest you can be to someone (emotionally) is to be inside their Section 4]. Sex is putting the cherry on top of the relationship. We don’t confirm our friendships by banging our same sex friends, do we? “Oh damn, that Cindy was something special, Whew Wee, I can tell we’re going to be GREAT friends…” When women have sex with a man, they are letting you into their world. They are letting you have a piece of them (piece of ass) and their Section 4. Unless their whores, you should consider having sex with a woman something special.

Now, we know you banged the hell out of us in the beginning because it was vagina and you were all excited and twitterpated. We were just as excited as you were, but all of a sudden…DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD and so is your ding dong. All of a sudden, life seems to grab you by the balls and you’re too busy, too stressed, too tired, too hungry, too impotent, too f*cking your secretary. How can you NOT want to bang me? Now, you’ve gone and done it. Women are conditioned to think that every man wants, eats, sleeps and dreams about sex. We are dumbfounded when we stumble upon one that thinks otherwise. First, we research all outside resources to see if and what might be impacting your boner. Then, we do the womanly thing (we all do it) and starting point the boner at ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you are too tired, too hungry, too busy, too stressed, too limp….Let me tell you what a woman thinks when her man does not want to have sex with her:

1. He’s f*cking someone else
2. I’m not good enough
3. I must suck in bed
4. I must have an ugly body and he’s not attracted to me
5. My breasts must look funny, he’s laughing at my vagina
6. My vagina must smell like armpit
7. He’s embarrassed to see me naked, now I”m embarrassed to be naked
8. I guess I just don’t do it for him
9. He’s f*cking someone else
10.He’s just not that into me (I hate this phrase n0w)

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