The Queen of Relationships

While trying to snooze last night, my mind kept hovering over the sex topic. Not a bad subject,eh? Mmm,sex..nipples, vagina’s and blueberry muffins. I was thinking about men having sex vs. women having sex. I think men would be content with getting instant wood, sticking it in the muffin, baking it  and rolling over for a nap. He aims, he shoots (literally), he scores, Game Over. wonk wonk wonk. (and the crowd goes wild) Now, take note that I am not putting all men into one category but I am only speaking from “my” majority. Why must sex be so mechanical? Mmm, for some reason it makes me want to do the robot. Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto  I know, you’re getting wood just thinking about it.  I’m just going to cut the crap and get to the point. Some women are easily won by looks, success, fame and/or fortune, me? Well, it doesn’t take much…just a little foreplay. Yes, I am easily pleased or is it easy to please, or pleased to be easy? Oh dammit, you get the point.

Most women do not like sex that is robotic, mechanical, mundane,…you know, same ole shit different day. We don’t like knowing that at 10:00 pm you are going to nudge us with your man parts, hover over us for ten minutes, huffing and panting and then ‘tada’..nap time. Where’s the creativity? Oh hell, I guess this could probably go out to women also. Look people, are you forgetting something? Oh yes, there it is, look in your back pocket…It’s called FOREPLAY. For the love of the muffins, what happened to Mr. Foreplay? Newsflash: You can just jump in a vagina without giving it special attention. You wouldn’t run in a marathon without practicing first? You wouldn’t work out without stretching first? You wouldn’t bake the turkey without preheating, right? You’ve got to preheat the vagina at 350.

If you want a woman to melt in your hands, you have got to give her some foreplay. Please, tease us. Take your time with us, we aren’t going anywhere. Instead of going straight to our muffin, why don’t you play with the blueberries first? Rub us here, a little there, oh don’t forget “that” spot and then slowly make your way down to Muffin Land, by the way, Do you know the muffin man? Well, you can me “King” of the muffins if you take your time with a woman and give her foreplay. Most women, including myself, feel denied if there is no foreplay. Some of us feel used and wonder why you don’t want to take the time to touch us and to make us feel good. Hell, most of us are more aggravated after sex than before because since our ‘needs’ weren’t attended to, we become extremely frustrated.

A man generally doesn’t understand  a woman’s need to relax and get into sex slowly. Most men start out balls to the wall and ready to go, standing to attention. A lot of times, women can not enjoy sex unless they are really relaxed. Giving us foreplay and teasing us will give us all the time in the world to  feel comfortable with you. We won’t feel pressured to “hurry up” and enjoy what we can before you blow your load. We want a man that is going to take his sweet time with us. We want men who aren’t just thinking about getting a nut and taking a nap. (nut, nap, next)

Here’s the problem: Men know that if they stroke it long enough, it will cum. “If you stroke it, it will cum”. On the other hand, women are completely different. Each woman and vagina is different. Some can orgasm with just a penis, some need clitoris stimulation, some need 10 minutes, some need 30, some need vibrators, some need George Clooney. Whatever it is that she needs, you’ve got to scope it out and figure out what works best for the both of you. Please don’t assume that just because your wing wong is in her ting tong that she is satisfied. We want you to touch us, caress us, love on us, kiss us, etc. Memo: Kissing during sex makes it a million times more enjoyable and intimate for us. Also, we hate feeling rushed to climax. If there is any sort of mental “hurry up and come” pressure on our vagina, we will never reach the big O.

I am amazed how most men forget about the little ole clitoris. What is so hard about just tapping it a few times? Correct me if I’m wrong but when a man does not take the time to touch a woman’s hoo ha, she takes it personally and thinks something is wrong with her and her vagina. I mean, it’s not like we are asking you to climb Mount Everest. I read somewhere that 98% of the orgasms women experience are from the result of stimulating the clitoris. Stimulated clitoris=Happy vagina=Happy woman=More nights out with the guys=Happy man. See how that works? Viola!

So, here’s the plan, men. If you are wanting to drive your woman wild and take her vagina down to China town, please her and please her good. The next time the two of you are about to bang, tease her. No, don’t tease her for a minute and then get it on…I mean, seriously, tease her. Caress her, run your fingers down her thighs, touch her female parts, and then start having sex with her. So, right before you hit the big O, pull out and go back to focusing on her. This way you don’t totally lose your erection pleasing her. Put it on your “To Do” list to  make her O. So, tease her, stick it in, tease her some more, make her climax and then go in for the kill (your “O”). Capiche?

You know, (Do you really?) I usually write about issues that are going on in my own life. YES, I HAVE ISSUES, want some? I’d be more than happy to share. Trust me, there’s enough to go around. Man, I would feel like Oprah but instead of “YOU GET A CAR, YOU GET A CAR” it would be “YOU GET AN ISSUE, YOU GET AN ISSUE” (and the crowd goes wild). Tonight, I was doing my usual thinking, you know pondering, in deep thought, ooh the depth. I was thinking of the relationshipI am in now. Strange things have been going down on the home front. Just recently, my  SO seems to have changed somewhat. He doesn’t text as much as he used to, he doesn’t act like he wants to be around me, he’s not affectionate, he doesn’t laugh as much, he doesn’t flirt with me anymore…why does all of this sound so familiar? Holy shit, I feel like I am married. I’m not in Kansas anymore ToTo, the eagle has landed and the honeymoon is over, or is it?

I know what you are thinking. You’ve read over all the things he’s doing and not doing and you are thinking, yes I know you are thinking that there’s another woman. Cheating. Pure Adultery, scarlet letter style. Who  knows. Well, for now, I will let him keep his balls until I find out otherwise. I must admit that he is not 100% to blame. I have jumped into work head first and for a moment there, I forgot he existed. I know, shame on me. Well, now I feel as if I don’t exist to him. I’ve come back around but I’m not sure if he will ever come back. He says he’s just got a lot on his mind. Shit, he has no idea the junk that marinates in my brain. I think non-stop. I am always thinking, I think. I feel shut out. I feel unloved. I feel unpretty. Shame on me for allowing it. I totally accepted the fact that he couldn’t compliment me, that his love language wasn’t “words of affirmation”. I totally accepted that he didn’t want to have sex all the time, that his love language wasn’t “let’s f*ck 24/7″. I totally accepted that he wasn’t that affectionate, that his love language wasn’t physical touch. Now, what I can’t accept is feeling like neither is benefiting from the relationship. I’m not even sure how he benefits from being with me. The whole damn thing has got me shut down which makes me shut up. If anyone can ever get me to shut up, something is wrong, dammit.

I’ve mentioned this to him several times but I’m starting to feel like one of those girls. You know, “those” girls. The whiny chics that always want to know what a guy is feeling. Look, I don’t give a shit what any guy is feeling but when you just stop talking to me and borderline avoiding me, after awhile… I kinda start to notice and damn me for taking it personal. Here’s the thing that everyone needs to understand. You know, how in the beginning of a relationship…it’s all butterflies and semen? You are so head over heels for one another and you try to impress the hell out of each other? You go the extra mile for that person, you engage in good conversation, you laugh, you giggle, you tinkle a little and everything is freaking dandy.Then, *ribbet* it stops. You quit putting on your best face, you quit shaving underneath your arms, you look like a fragglerock down “there”, the relationship begins to become routine and before you know it, you’re bored as hell. Cupcake, anyone?

Soon enough, the relationship is on auto-pilot. It’s the same damn thing every single day. Same song, second verse. You go back to being selfish and you put your partner on the back burner and go on with your life. This is the problem, people. A relationship on auto-pilot, it doesn’t get any more boring than this. Listen to me, you never EVER never ever stop trying in a relationship. Every day when you wake up, you should think, “What can I do today to make my partner happy?”. This is my thinking, I think. You get out what you put into your relationship. If you don’t do shit with or to your relationship, you’re relationship will be boring shit.If you strive to make the other person happy, usually they will return the favor and things will be more enjoyable. But, if you are the only one trying to make the other one happy and it’s not returned, you need to think about finding another one. I’ve spent too many years focusing on making the other person happy with no return policy, I was completely miserable.  Again, a relationship takes continuous effort on both sides.

The honeymoon stage doesn’t have to end. It’s okay to be comfortable in a relationship but you should never feel comfortable enough that you don’t feel as if you have to make some sort of effort. It doesn’t have to be a holiday to send flowers. It doesn’t have to be Valentines Day to send a card. It doesn’t have to be a special event to go out. It doesn’t have to be their birthday to cook dinner. It doesn’t have to be your anniversary to have sex. In a relationship, you should consider everyday a holiday, everyday a special day, everyday another day that you get to spend with the person you love. I want to be loved. I want to be touched. I would like to hear I’m ‘cool’, ‘pretty’, ‘groovy’, ‘irresistiable’, ‘funny’ sometimes. I’m not asking for anyone to compliment me non-stop, just once a month would do it for me. You know, just to let me know that we are still in this together, yes..the validation.

So, these are my words of wisdom tonight, my friends. I am hoping that I can apply it to my own relationship, and can only hope it’s reciprocated. I want my relationship to have passion and meaning. I don’t want to ever have a relationship that gets boring. Boring is what makes people stray, boring seems to make people cheat, boring sometimes breaks people up, boring is just boring as hell. I won’t ramble any longer. Anyway, I’ve got to go…I’ve got a date with dildo and donuts. Two for non-smoking please.

Comments and opinions are always appreciated.

There has always been a double standard when it comes to men/women and sex. We can deny it all we want but it’s there and it’s not going anywhere. Oh come on, you know what double standard I’m talking about. You know, the one where the man sleeps with a million women and he’s a pimp and the woman sleeps with 30 men and she’s a slut. What is that about?  The more women and man has under his belt (literally) the more heroic he seems to become but if  a woman sleeps with the same amount she’s labeled a whore. There’s no reason to even try to go against the double standard because there’s no use. The only thing you can do is take it for what it is and just go with it.

There’s nothing wrong with having some good, passionate, ‘yeehaw’ sex. There is nothing wrong with being in touch with your sexuality. There certainly isn’t anything wrong with wanting to bump nasties. But ( I know, I hate the “buts”) it must be the right time, the right place and with the right person. Oh  no, I’m not preaching..I’m just telling it like it is. So, is it okay to have sex on the first date? Oh, hell pecker no. If any man tells you that it’s okay he’s either a) lying or b) lying.  If I were a man I wouldn’t want women knowing that “first date sex” isn’t cool, hey..I might miss out on some potential booty.

Men hold women to stricter sexual standards than they do themselves. You know, every one wants to sleep with “Francis The Freak” but no one wants to marry her. When a man falls for someone, he would like to think there was no penis before him. . Men get freaked out by the thought of his woman being with another penis. Hell, I get freaked out when I think about my mate and another vagina. Ew, double ew! I just continue to tell myself that I’m the only vagina he’s ever seen..I mean..errr, I’m a virgin.

I don’t care how much you have in common. I’m not really concerned with how great the two of you get along. I don’t care if he had you at hello. I don’t care if your vagina is spitting venom (ew)…Do Not Sleep With Him. You can not sleep with someone on the first night and expect for them to see you as marriage material call you back. Oh they might call you back but trust me, it’s probably going to be late at night. See “The Booty Call” post!

If you sleep with a man on the first date or too soon, he’s going to wonder how many other people you slept with on the first date. I mean, it’s an honest observation. Really, how many other people have you slept with on the first date? What makes him think that he was the ’special one’ to get it so soon? Oh, you know what the popular line is? “Um, I just want you to know that I don’t do this all the time” or “I don’t want you to think I’m a whore”. Most men chuckle when they hear this. Sorry chic, but he does think you do it all the time and he does think you are a whore. Do you know how many times guys here these lines? No man believes this line. You’d be better off saying, “Yes, I do this all the time and I am a whore and damn proud!”.  Read the rest of this entry »

Booty, Booty, Booty and Booty. One more….booty! Sorry, I just had to get that out. Today class, we will be discussing the term “booty call”. Now, for all you old timers out there, don’t worry..I am going to explain. According to Wikipedia, a “booty call” is a telephone call, other communication, or visitation made with the sole intent of engaging in sex or other forms of sexual release with the person being contacted. Oh, gotta love some sexual releases, eh?

These days it seems to be totally appropriate when two people get together just to have sex with no strings attached. Sometimes problems arise when one of the two doesn’t now that they are actually a booty call. I’m not pointing fingers at the men or the women. Women are just as capable today of having a booty buddy as men are. But (and this is a big but) men handle ‘booty calls’ better than women. A recent study was done claiming that most women that did have ‘booty calls’ did it because they thought that there might be hopes for some sort of long-term relationship. Dummies. Hey, I’m one of those dummies. After it was said and done, they usually ended up feeling used and dirty. Take a bath and wash your parts, please.

So, it plays out like this. You see a hot chic/dude at the bar. You make eye contact all night. You end up downing a bunch of booze and dancing the night away. Before you know it, you’re in the bedroom screaming each others name….wait, did you even catch each other’s name? You bump nasties and it’s over. Congratulations, you just put yourself into the ‘booty call’ category. “Tell them what they’ve won Bob!” The two of you exchange numbers…let the games begin! So, months go by and the two of you are still getting freaky and one of you has the brilliant idea to ask the question, “Are you just using me for sex?”.

Let’s just cut to the chase here. I don’t want to draw this out any longer than I have to. I’d rather go straight to the juice than pussy foot around. Do you want to know if the person you have been having late night escapades with is using you for sex? Ever wonder if you are just a booty call? Are you trying to turn what began as a booty call into something like …say..a “relationship”? Here are some big clues to help you figure out if you are getting used or not. Don’t cry if you are. You won’t be the first and you definitely won’t be the last. I apologize in advance for being so damn blunt. Read the rest of this entry »

Woman hasn’t seen weenie in weeks. Woman wonders if man still has weenie. Sound familiar? If you are a woman in a “dead sex” relationship, you are not alone, my friend. We always hear about the wife denying the husband of booty. Believe me, I read about it all the time. What about the men that deny the women of booty? What is up with that? I thought we were suppose to be the ones to deny sex. Have the tables turned? I have talked to several men, who all say they would never turn down sex. Okay, there was one who said he turned it down once but that was only because he was sleeping.

What is a woman doing writing a blog about “Why Men Don’t Want Sex”? Good question. I wanted to write a blog on this topic because it seems to be a popular discussion. Honestly, I have no idea why men don’t want sex. I can pretend and act like I know but the real truth can only come from men themselves. There are a lot of ideas out there about what women think about the issue but it’s hard to find what men actually think. I’ve done a lot of research on the topic and thought I would put together some ideas. I’ve looked at it from a woman’s stand point, which seemed to be believable. Then, I looked at it from a man’s stand point and it was extremely hard to swallow. All in all it was pretty entertaining.

Why Men Do Not Have Sex:

1)Sexual Dysfunction: I have no idea what it’s like to have a limp noodle. It has to be embarrassing as hell. I think I would avoid sex at all costs if I couldn’t get my Johnson to function correctly. Viagra, anyone? I use to know a guy that had problems with premature ejaculation. My girlfriends couldn’t even get to first base with him without him going all over himself. Then, there is the minute man. As soon as you are starting to get into the mood, KABOOM, he goes. What is that about? If men are having these sorts of problems, it’s no wonder they hide underneath the bed. I’m sure there are tons and tons of information as to how to fix this sort of problem. The first thing a man should do is communicate to their partner about it. It can be fun tackling issues like these all alone.

2)Sleep Deprived: Well, there was that one dude that said he turned down sex because he was sleeping. I guess having a lack of sleep can tackle your libido in different ways. If you are getting the “Not tonight, I’m tired” ,then he gets a significant amount of sleep and he still tells you that? You can write that one off as an excuse. Read the rest of this entry »

So, you finally met the person of your dreams. You both get along so great it feels like love. You are satisfied physically and emotionally. You are starting to get extremely comfortable around one another. The question is both in the back of your minds and it’s only a matter of time until the question is blurted out. So, how many people have you slept with?

This seems to be a common question that couples ask each other? But why? Most people think that by knowing how many partners they have been with somewhat lets them know what kind of person they are or what kind of person they used to be. There might be a moment of silence after the question is asked. You mind is racing through the numbers. You might think that there have been too many or you might even think that the number is too small.

Is this a question you should answer? Yes, relationships are about communication and honesty but do you really feel like you can be honest about it? I am willing to bed that most people lie about the numbers. Maybe you were a wild child growing up and you made a few mistakes here and there. Hell, you might have even made 82 mistakes. Maybe you feel that you haven’t been with enough people and this might make you look inexperienced. So, how many people have you slept with?

To me, this is a question that moves into dangerous territory. I have heard stories about couples that were planning on getting married. The ring was placed on the finger and the wedding date was already set. The woman decides that she doesn’t want to keep any secrets from her potential husband so she spills the beans. He can’t handle the beans. The one person he thought he wanted to spend the rest of his life with is now a woman that had a promiscuous past. He says that he would never judge her from her past but he does just that. He is having second thoughts on getting married and the wedding is called off.

Women are somewhat different when it comes to numbers. Most women assume that their man has been with several partners. Of course, don’t forget the double-standard we all know and love. What is it? A man has sex with an infinite number of women and he is considered a “pimp” by his friends and society. But and this is a huge “But”, when a woman has sex with a large number of people she is then considered a slut, easy or a hootchie mamma. So, really how many people have you slept with?Is this a question that should be asked? Is this a question that should be answered? In my opinion, definitely not. The last relationship I was in the number of people we slept with never came up. Honestly, I did not want to know how many people he had slept with and I think he felt the same. Whether you slept with 3 people or 100, why would anyone want to know this popular number? Someone that I dated before told me how many people he slept with and all I could think about was him on top of someone else. I couldn’t get the image out of my mind. That number was engraved in my brain and questions started to rise to the surface?

Was I good enough as everyone else?
Is he comparing me to everyone else?

Why would you even want to torment yourself like this? Shouldn’t the past remain in the past? Some say that the past is a predictor the the future? So, just because he was a man whore then is he a man whore now? Not necessarily. People change. The longer he goes without being a man whore his past starts to change. Who knows, maybe he was a man whore in his younger years but straightened up as he got older. Read the rest of this entry »