The Queen of Relationships

Uuurg, me man..me hungry….me hunt food and woman…me want vagina, me want easy vagina….so easy a caveman could do it.

Easy + Woman = Booty Buddy                                                     Selective + Woman = Possible Commitment

I’ve been mentally far, far away on a small island with just my own delusions and my handy dandy notebook, spending hours and hours trying to figure out Blues Clues. This statement probably makes no sense to you but for me, it doesn’t make much sense either and I have no choice but to blame it on the xanex that raped my senses and my ability to complete a , wait…um…good times. Okay class, since your teacher is under the influence, today I challenge you to read between the lines and look for hidden meanings and unwritten rules. I hope everyone brought their decoder ring, for those of you that are without, one word- Cracker Jacks.

If you look at the formulas above, you probably have an idea where I am going with this. Please cherish these formulas because not only will they bring you closer to understanding the creatures that have the dangle piece but also because it took me years to actually piece these together. Oh yes, years of trial and error. Moving on.

Man goes into market, buys meat, goes home, cooks it, enjoys it=instant gratification

Man goes into woods, spends hours searching for the beast, doesn’t see it, goes home, gets up the next day-does it again, and the next day, the next day, the next day-pretty soon he is committed to finding that one special beast. “I’ll climb the highest mountain until I find it”. Months pass and even though he feels defeated, he pushes forward. He knows that he is fighting for ‘the prize’, the ‘accomplishment’, and even though instant gratification is enjoyable…nothing compares to finding “the one” …the one that all the hunters have been searching for, hunting for, craving for.

So you can hunt…or be hunted. Read the rest of this entry »

Look, I’m not a “Bitter Bitchy Betty”. I’m really not. I always try to see both sides of a relationship and then I form…”the opinion”. I’m not a man hater, a penis hater, a vagina hater…I just try to call it like I see it. With that being said, I had a friend come over today who is in the first stages of puppy love, what I refer to as ‘infatuation’. It’s extremely hard to be completely happy for someone when you see a huge tug boat carrying a red flag. (insert tug boat sound) I know I sometimes come across as a downer but while trying to have a smile on my face, reality has a way of being a buzz kill.

My friend floated into my house on tiny, red hearts and you could see the spark in her eye, being lit by someone she was totally into. After she left, I discussed what I was picking up on about the relationship and I could see it on my sister’s face. Not only was reality a buzz kill, but I was obviously being one myself. I know, I should just go with the flow and let nature take it’s course and I try to refrain from ever saying anything because I do not want to jinx the relationship, nor do I want to upset the person or have them obsess over my own thoughts rather than their own.

So, here’s the juice: My friend got back in touch with a guy she knew years ago. They have been catching up on old times, so to speak. Yes, they might have frolicked in the hay a few times, which I applaud. Hey, at least someone is getting laid. Now, in my opinion, the word ‘relationship’ should not be spoken until a decent amount of time of knowing someone. The topic, being premature, could be a total FAIL. But, it happened in this situation for some reason or another and this is how the conversation went (as I remember her telling it). He says he just got out of a retarded (I added that word) relationship with a girl and he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Now, naturally…women want to be sympathetic to this sort of statement. “Poor baby was wounded, I’ll nurse him back to health and then he’ll be better enough for a relationship with me”. We all do it, I’ve done it. Read the rest of this entry »

So, is your man always beating down the bedroom door trying to get in to your dildo box? Is he coming home from work like a mad stallion ready to pounce the second he walks in the door? Is your man chasing you around the house with a raging hard on? Don’t you worry your pretty face, there are several things you can do to make his willy go wonk, wonk, wonk. If you are tired of saying, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” or “I think I need to wash my hair” or “I’m just too tired” or “It’s that time of the month”, get on board and start utilizing these steps to make his Willy Wonka sad. Now, I can not be held responsible for the outcome, which will be…viola…no sex. There will be no bitching nor whining after you have done the limp willy deed. Please proceed with caution and please remember, willy’s have feelings to.

Make Pee Pee/Poo Poo:When your man comes home from work, you must make sure he catches you in rare form. “Honey, where are you?”…”I’m in here, dear”. Let him follow your voice all the way to the bathroom, where you will be squatting down on the toilet making a fabulous shadoobie. Or, you could be peeing…better yet, be peeing standing up- this will really freak him out. Men do not want to know that we have bodily functions. They would rather believe that the things just magically disappear. So, letting your man in on your little (or big) shadoobie secret is enough to make willy wonka go wonka wonk.

Past Sexual Relationships: The next time you have one of your “headaches”, go ahead and proceed with the booty making. Now, you must wait for the right moment for this one. Allow him to give oral sex and right in the middle of it, you need to say, “Wow, that was amazing…you did it just as good as Jeremy, if not better”. You must be prepared for a wild, psychotic response. This should do the trick though. Don”t be surprised if you never get sex again, isn’t that what you were going for anyway? Score! So, comparing your man’s sexual performance to others is a quick and easy way to make Mr. Happy not in the mood.

Faking It:I shouldn’t even write about this one because you are probably already doing it. This one requires a little bit of pizazz and Drama 101. Yes, we are talking about faking an orgasm. Now, I’m not talking about the believable fake orgasm. I am talking about the “She’s totally faking it” orgasm. It’s surpasses “When Harry Met Sally”. You will need to scream at the top of your lungs, pull your own hair out, possibly start snorting, twitch, foam at the mouth…you know, the usual. He will be so turned off by your poor attempt (great attempt, in my opinion) at an orgasm that he’d probably rather just masturbate from here on out. Yeehaw! So, faking a obvious, dramatic, psychotic orgasm…ending it with a generic “That was great” (kind of like MORE OVALTINE PLEASE)will make his taliwaker want to run and hide.

Vaginal Flatulence:This is the perfect way to scare the hell out of your man. We all know what vaginal flatulence is, also known as “Queef”. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s just how it is sometimes but if you all of a sudden got a really bad queefing problem, you’re man is more likely to read the newspaper than fill you up. I am not the one to teach “Queefing 101″ but there are many tutorials on the Internet that teach you how to do this on command. It’s a good idea to bump nasties a few times and let a few slip, “Oops, sorry honey” and then work your way up to a “Queef Off”. Look, we need to hurry this one up…I’m getting embarrassed hanging around in this tip. So, letting your man think you have croaking frogs in your vagina will most likely have his ding dong running for the hills.

Bossy Bitch Sex:The last thing your man wants is for you to be “Miss Know-It-All” in the bedroom. What you are going to do is be ‘the guide’ in the bedroom. Next time ya’ll are in the sac, you call all the shots. You will act like you are orchestrating the entire butt session. “Okay, not it’s time for some foreplay”, “I need you to go down slowly on me and then come back up and say Poppernickle” “You’re going to slow” “You’re going to fast” “What do you think you’re doing” “Pull my hair” “Slap my ass” “You’re pulling too hard” “You’re not pulling hard enough” “Who taught you how to ***?” MOVE IT SOLDIER! Okay, maybe the soldier part was a little bit over the top. Now, you will end this Bossy Bitch Sex with “Is it in yet?”. So, being a bossy bitch will put you on the top of his “Not To Do List” in a hurry.

The Corpse: If you haven’t scared him off by now, (what a trooper) this one will not only scare him off but bore him to death. Yes, it involves having sex again but simmer down, we’re almost done. This one is easy as pie. Now, when ya’ll are in the bed together and he starts to feel you up, touching you, caressing you…just lay there. When it starts sticking his tongue in your hoo ha, just lay there. When he mounts you and starts panting, just lay there. If you want to look at your watch a few times, this works also. After you have used so much sexual energy to just…well, lay there…and while he is still panting heavy bust out with a snore. So, playing the dead corpse will definitely put a damper on his idea of sex, again, he would probably just rather masturbate so willy will be happy.

Poor Hygiene:This step/tip does not involve intercourse because by the time he smells your funky ass, he’ll have hauled ass. This one takes a few weeks to work on though but is a win/win. Stop shaving your legs, under your arms and don’t shave your dildo box. You want to make sure you have the wildest Afro on the block. Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with a Macy Gray Afro but the armpit and leg Afro will freak him out. Also, we are going to go against our dentist’s recommendations and skip on the whole brushing our teeth thing. The one thing that will scare a man off though is a stinky tinky winky. Look, I don’t know how to make that happen and I really don’t think I want to talk about it, you can figure that one out on your own. So, looking sloppy, being messy, smelling god awful, being bushy and having an armpit Afro….his Johnson will have no choice but to go to the dark side.

Say His Name:You’re probably wondering what saying his name is going to do. I didn’t say WHOSE name! This one will will be the big finale. The two of you are getting at it, it’s wild, it’s hot..It’s GIRLS GONE WILD (oops, wrong post) it’s passionate, it’s dramatic, it’s _______ and _______. Wait until he starts huffing and puffing, go in for the fake orgasm, be dramatic, start screaming “Oh yes Oh yes…OMG JEREMY Don’t STOP, Jeremy Don’t Stop” (his name is Bob) I am willing to bet my left nipple that he never wants to have sex with you again. This is a victory, my friend. Not only will you be booty less, you will also be manless. Congratulations!

Warning: This post is for entertainment purposes only. If you really want to dodge having sex with your man THAT bad, then maybe you should find a new man. If you really feel the need to complete any one of these steps, please run to your nearest mental institute, I’ll be waiting for you!

Articles:

10 Things That Turn Off Men
His Biggest Turn-Offs

You are in a relationship that is fulfilling  and you feel as if the two of you are perfect for one another, you get along great, you do all sorts of things together, you respect one another, you are somewhat compatible, you make one another happy BUT ….HUGE BUT…you do not have sex: This IS not a romantic relationship THIS IS a FRIENDSHIP!!

Women can only go so long without sex until they start to see their mate as a good guy friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? If you are not bumping nasties with me on a routine basis, you are not going WITH me to a deeper level therefore you will slowly get pushed into the friend zone. Yes, we all need friends  but some of us are looking for someone to take the majority of our heart. There’s three parts to the heart IMO:

Section 1: Family
Section 2: Friends
Section 3: Children in Ethiopia
Section 4: Fuzzy Feelings.

Now, the fuzzy feelings take up the majority of the heart and is reserved for that one special person. This part of the heart is where all the romantic mushiness resides. It’s where love blossoms and it’s where the deep connection blooms. Now, let me explain to you how a ‘deep connection’ is stimulated in a woman. You’re probably thinking that “Section 4″ of the heart can be bought, you are mistaken- my friend. No diamonds, dildos or donuts will do. Disclaimer: The auther of this post is speaking from her own Section 4, not women of America’s Section 4 You want to know how women get and keep that deep, soulful connection? Sex. Yes, sex. Now, how hard is that? Obviously not hard enough.

Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying and get the idea that I am simply saying sex is all we need. We need all that other bullshit like validation, appreciation, understanding, and SEX. You see? I have loads of friends and it’s understood that our friends validate us and appreciate us but we don’t bang our friends. Oh wait, some of us do but then we skate over to the “Friends With Benefits” zone and that’s another post in itself. So, in order for us to differentiate the difference between you and our good friend Bob, you must inject the penis. Disclaimer: These are only the psychotic, demented views of the author Yes, we know that you guys bond by doing stuff with us and sharing those Kodak moments and we have no problem going along with the bonding process, but we need and want intimate, touching, romantic, hard core,  monkey, hanging from the rafters, embarrassing your mother SEX. Okay, it doesn’t HAVE to be wild sex, any penetration will do- as long as it’s not in the booty. I’m sorry but I will lose my deep connection with you if you go deep into my ass.

We laugh together, converse together, play together, cook together, solve problems together…all of these things create a semi-circle around Section 4, if you want to complete the circle..there must be sex. Yes, we know, sex is more of an action to you…it isn’t bonding, unspoken emotions, connecting..it’s just sloppy slam bam thank you mam. It’s just another moment in life where you have to raise your heartbeat, get sweaty and shoot mini you’s. Sorry pal, women don’t see it that way. Think of it this way- the closest you can be to someone (physically) is to be inside someone [The closest you can be to someone (emotionally) is to be inside their Section 4]. Sex is putting the cherry on top of the relationship. We don’t confirm our friendships by banging our same sex friends, do we? “Oh damn, that Cindy was something special, Whew Wee, I can tell we’re going to be GREAT friends…” When women have sex with a man, they are letting you into their world. They are letting you have a piece of them (piece of ass) and their Section 4. Unless their whores, you should consider having sex with a woman something special.

Now, we know you banged the hell out of us in the beginning because it was vagina and you were all excited and twitterpated. We were just as excited as you were, but all of a sudden…DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD and so is your ding dong. All of a sudden, life seems to grab you by the balls and you’re too busy, too stressed, too tired, too hungry, too impotent, too f*cking your secretary. How can you NOT want to bang me? Now, you’ve gone and done it. Women are conditioned to think that every man wants, eats, sleeps and dreams about sex. We are dumbfounded when we stumble upon one that thinks otherwise. First, we research all outside resources to see if and what might be impacting your boner. Then, we do the womanly thing (we all do it) and starting point the boner at ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you are too tired, too hungry, too busy, too stressed, too limp….Let me tell you what a woman thinks when her man does not want to have sex with her:

1. He’s f*cking someone else
2. I’m not good enough
3. I must suck in bed
4. I must have an ugly body and he’s not attracted to me
5. My breasts must look funny, he’s laughing at my vagina
6. My vagina must smell like armpit
7. He’s embarrassed to see me naked, now I”m embarrassed to be naked
8. I guess I just don’t do it for him
9. He’s f*cking someone else
10.He’s just not that into me (I hate this phrase n0w)

Read the rest of this entry »

Every one please gather ’round and form your chairs into a circle. Therapy session is about to begin so sit back, grab a drink and please refrain from lighting up during the meeting…unless it’s reefer and you feel like sharing. Oh, the first lesson of the day is “Don’t Do Drugs”. The second lesson of the day has a little something to do with relationships. I know, it’s hard for you to believe, right? I know I told you I only think on Tuesdays and Thursdays but today was a special day. I had a tiny, extra brain cell from the previous week that I leeched off of. So, you are all in for a ”Tiny Tim”  treat and I do mean ‘tiny’. God bless us, everyone.

In between brain farts today, I started to think about some of the main reasons relationships end. I mean, we all know the obvious ones like your boyfriend bitch slapping you because you bought the wrong kind of milk, or your husband sticking his winky in someone else’s stinky or you found out your man likes to take it up the rear, ouchie! …those are the obvious.  I wanted to go a ‘tiny’ bit deeper than that and look for some other reasons that people seem to over look. Hell, they might be obvious to you…if they are, just throw me a freaking bone, fancy me and read it anyway for shitz and giggles. Well, minus the shitz…there’s no time for a clean up on aisle 3.

1) Pinky Sware:It’s probably a bad idea to go through a relationship keeping secrets. The constant fear of the other person finding out will eat you alive. Most people save the secrets until right after the honeymoon is over. “Oh honey? One more thing, I used to be a man, babay!”. If you hold all your secrets in and then dump them out later on in the relationship, your partner might walk. I’m not talking about walking to the store, I’m talking about walking out of your life. I’m not saying you need to spill your green beans on the first date because there is a time and place for everything.  If you think that someone is not going to accept you because of some dark details, then they are probably not the person for you. If someone proclaims to love you, they will love you even if you did have a penis before, I think. So, if you see that the relationship is moving in a serious direction, it might be time to sit down and have “Story Time”. Oh and after “Story Time” comes “Show-N-Tell”…my favorite part!

2)Infatuation: Oh, I love this phase, this infatuation phase. This is where you the hormones do the talking and the penis does the walking. For example, let’s say you hate inverted nipples. You end up meeting this hot chic/dude that you fall head over heels for. You totally overlook the nipple part. You keep telling yourself that one day they’ll pop out, just like the thermometer on a turkey during Thanksgiving. Eventually, you get settled into the relationship, get comfortable and cozy. The nipples start to aggravated the hell out of you. They weren’t as cute as they were before. You have been bitten by the infatuation bug. Things are so foggy when you are in this stage. Peni looks ten times bigger, boobs look a million times purkier and nipples definitely do not look inverted. Sometimes, as soon as people snap back to reality, they realize the other person is totally wrong for them and end the relationship and say good-bye to the nipples. Damn nipples.

3)In-Laws: Oh yes, some people have ‘those’ in-laws that seem as if they’ve come from the pit of hell. Most of the time it’s the Mother-In-Laws, but Father-In-Laws? You are not exempt from this topic. Some mother’s just can’t seem to keep their tit in the bra. They seemingly continue to force feed their 30 year old children. They stick their honker into business that isn’ t theirs. They manipulate, control and sometimes throw hissy fits when they don’t get their way. Countless relationships have been ruined by the  SatanHell-In-Laws. Some of you need to grab your balls or your boobs and stand up to your parents. Don’t let them live your life, unless you are comfortable with being treated like a two year old…if that’s the case, isn’t it time for a diaper change? Read the rest of this entry »

Have you ever been in a relationship that just didn’t work? What? Have “I” ever been in a relationship that just didn’t work? Let’s see, there was that one time when I was 15, another time when I was 16, 17, 18 19..get my point? Obviously, since I’m not married and I’m not with the last person I dated…wow, now that I think about it ..every relationship that I”ve ever been in has never worked. Whoa, that was deep.

This isn’t the part where I bitch about how men need to come with a manual. This is actually the part where I bitch about not having a manual for myself. Hello. I wasn’t born ‘knowing’ how to make my relationships work. I’ve learned that it’s a process, you kind of learn as you go. I must throw in the saying, “If I knew then what I knew now”. If I knew then what I knew now, I would probably be happily married, with children and a white picket fence. But, that’s no fun..now is it? The fun part is getting your heart broken and trying to figure out how to glue it back together. 

According to the manual, wait…there is no manual. There is no manual to tell you exactly how ‘your’ relationship should work. Wouldn’t it be great if we all came with our own little manuals? You could just hand it to the person you were about to date so they could understand how you work and function and vice versa. Even though we don’t have manuals, we do have blogs, articles, Dr. Phil  and self-proclaimed queens (such as myself) to help us along.  Wouldn’t it be great if you could see into the future of a relationship to see if it had potential? There would be no wasted time, energy or love on someone. With that being said, we all get into relationships that never seem to work out. The real key is to be able to spot these sort of relationships in the beginning so you can avoid them. It’s better to realize your error in the very beginning than to marry your mistake.

Relationships That Are Doomed To Fail:

1)You are infatuated with your partner: Ahh, isn’t infatuation fun? Remember the butterflies, you couldn’t eat and all you could do was think about that person but you barely even knew them? I know I keep talking about my ex-fiance, I apologize but he is a prime example of …well, everything. Did you know that infatuation can last up to two years. Guess how long me and the ex dated? Oh, humor me. Yes, it was two years. I was infatuated with his success and the fact that he seemed to have his life together. I soon figured out that even though he had his shit together on the outside, the inside was a hot mess.

I’m not saying infatuation is a bad thing, it’s just not the ‘real thing’. It’s normal to be infatuated with someone in the beginning but it usually fades. You need to be able to recognize the difference between infatuation of someone and really liking someone for who they are..flaws and all. If you ignore the flaws and the red flags, you will end up wasting your time on a relationship that is doomed to fail.

2)You see your partner as a role model: You know, I used to date a youth pastor. Yes, I know, am I wrong for that? I knew Daddy would be proud since he was practically a preacher himself. It was so easy to put this dude up on a pedestal. I mean, hello, who wouldn’t look up to him? He had a VIP pass to heaven. There are two reasons you might fall in love with role models:

A) You are spiritually and emotionally empty: Oh, hello me. You think it’s a kawinkydink that I dated a youth pastor? Yes, I was spiritually drained and what a great way to get filled with the holy ghost, right? Things went kind of sour with the whole youth pastor thing. It didn’t help me with spiritual growth and  I think I ended up corrupting him. Picture this: Wednesday night he preaches about “no sex before marriage” to his youth group, then goes home and has sex with me. It felt naughty at first but then I started to feel like a sinner and felt as if I ruined the anointed. Ouch. Read the rest of this entry »