The Queen of Relationships

Okay, my lovely readers, gather around the fire…it’s story time. Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a nipple named Nate. Nate wasn’t his perky self because he was battling with being an introvert and was tired of his friends calling him the ‘inverted nipple’…damn, wrong story.

Let’s try this again, people.

Secrets.  Secrets are the silent herpes of the soul. Like herpes, secrets can sometimes be undetectable, hiding underneath the radar- out of sight, out of mind. You can hide them, stuff them, cover them, dilute them, and ignore them. Every now and again,  you will get a secret itch, reminding you that your inner soul is infested with the hidden shame that you choose to hide. Eventually, the silent herpes will manifest and you are likely to have a full-blown outbreak.  Valtrex,  anyone?

Even though Valtrex might subdue the common herp, there’s no magic formula for the hip hop herpes.  Just like herpes, secrets creep and crawl into your inner being, attaching themselves, pulling up a chair, making themselves at home for the rest of eternity (well, your eternity).  And just as herpes is passed from one person to another, generational secrets can be passed down from family to family to you, spreading shame for the mere purpose of avoiding it. Read the rest of this entry »

Uuurg, me man..me hungry….me hunt food and woman…me want vagina, me want easy vagina….so easy a caveman could do it.

Easy + Woman = Booty Buddy                                                     Selective + Woman = Possible Commitment

I’ve been mentally far, far away on a small island with just my own delusions and my handy dandy notebook, spending hours and hours trying to figure out Blues Clues. This statement probably makes no sense to you but for me, it doesn’t make much sense either and I have no choice but to blame it on the xanex that raped my senses and my ability to complete a , wait…um…good times. Okay class, since your teacher is under the influence, today I challenge you to read between the lines and look for hidden meanings and unwritten rules. I hope everyone brought their decoder ring, for those of you that are without, one word- Cracker Jacks.

If you look at the formulas above, you probably have an idea where I am going with this. Please cherish these formulas because not only will they bring you closer to understanding the creatures that have the dangle piece but also because it took me years to actually piece these together. Oh yes, years of trial and error. Moving on.

Man goes into market, buys meat, goes home, cooks it, enjoys it=instant gratification

Man goes into woods, spends hours searching for the beast, doesn’t see it, goes home, gets up the next day-does it again, and the next day, the next day, the next day-pretty soon he is committed to finding that one special beast. “I’ll climb the highest mountain until I find it”. Months pass and even though he feels defeated, he pushes forward. He knows that he is fighting for ‘the prize’, the ‘accomplishment’, and even though instant gratification is enjoyable…nothing compares to finding “the one” …the one that all the hunters have been searching for, hunting for, craving for.

So you can hunt…or be hunted. Read the rest of this entry »

Look, I’m not a “Bitter Bitchy Betty”. I’m really not. I always try to see both sides of a relationship and then I form…”the opinion”. I’m not a man hater, a penis hater, a vagina hater…I just try to call it like I see it. With that being said, I had a friend come over today who is in the first stages of puppy love, what I refer to as ‘infatuation’. It’s extremely hard to be completely happy for someone when you see a huge tug boat carrying a red flag. (insert tug boat sound) I know I sometimes come across as a downer but while trying to have a smile on my face, reality has a way of being a buzz kill.

My friend floated into my house on tiny, red hearts and you could see the spark in her eye, being lit by someone she was totally into. After she left, I discussed what I was picking up on about the relationship and I could see it on my sister’s face. Not only was reality a buzz kill, but I was obviously being one myself. I know, I should just go with the flow and let nature take it’s course and I try to refrain from ever saying anything because I do not want to jinx the relationship, nor do I want to upset the person or have them obsess over my own thoughts rather than their own.

So, here’s the juice: My friend got back in touch with a guy she knew years ago. They have been catching up on old times, so to speak. Yes, they might have frolicked in the hay a few times, which I applaud. Hey, at least someone is getting laid. Now, in my opinion, the word ‘relationship’ should not be spoken until a decent amount of time of knowing someone. The topic, being premature, could be a total FAIL. But, it happened in this situation for some reason or another and this is how the conversation went (as I remember her telling it). He says he just got out of a retarded (I added that word) relationship with a girl and he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Now, naturally…women want to be sympathetic to this sort of statement. “Poor baby was wounded, I’ll nurse him back to health and then he’ll be better enough for a relationship with me”. We all do it, I’ve done it. Read the rest of this entry »

Now, I am not one to judge on whether you or ugly or not. Personally, I don’t care what you look like because we are all God’s creatures, right? Yes, I said “creature”- many times, men cheat with just that “a creature”. Let me start over- if you have been boinking, sexting, sending dirty pictures of your roast beef sandwich, dirty e-mails to MY man (not yours), I feel as if I have the right to chew you up and spit you out (judge you). Of course, some women have no idea that a man is in a relationship but 9 times out of 10, the ugly knows the story and just wants her page in the book. Ahhh, a good portion of my life, I have been in relationships involving cheaters and I will not count (because I don’t have enough fingers) how many times I have been cheated on with the uglies.

One would think that if you were going to get cheated on, it would be an obvious ‘upgrade’ to first class, but not so much. Remember the first time you found out there was another woman. You started to imagine what she looked like; long black flowing hair, crystal blue eyes, olive skin tone, a figure to die for and boobs purky enough to bounce a quarter off of. It’s natural for immediate jealousy to set it. “Geez, I totally get why he wanted to be with her, she’s beautiful…f*cking slut”. Then, the day comes…it was one of those days where boredom took over your soul and forced you to start thumbing through Facebook and…what? what’s that? O-M-G, for real? That’s HER? He cheated on me with HER? This is a joke. Are you meaning to tell me I have been duped over a hairy troll? I mean, look at her, she’s practically stepping on her own titties. It looks as if her nose is about to eat her face, “Nice to beak you, I mean meet you”. Can you say MOLE? Mole-e-mole-e-mole-e. Oh shit, is that a hair coming OUT of the mole. Double shit and triple mole. I’m puking now.

If her face looks this bad, me only imagines what her vagina hoo haa looks like. Oh, hello Mr. Roast Beef…mmm, I’m thinking Arby’s.Don’t worry, there’s enough roast for everyone! Read the rest of this entry »

So, is your man always beating down the bedroom door trying to get in to your dildo box? Is he coming home from work like a mad stallion ready to pounce the second he walks in the door? Is your man chasing you around the house with a raging hard on? Don’t you worry your pretty face, there are several things you can do to make his willy go wonk, wonk, wonk. If you are tired of saying, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” or “I think I need to wash my hair” or “I’m just too tired” or “It’s that time of the month”, get on board and start utilizing these steps to make his Willy Wonka sad. Now, I can not be held responsible for the outcome, which will be…viola…no sex. There will be no bitching nor whining after you have done the limp willy deed. Please proceed with caution and please remember, willy’s have feelings to.

Make Pee Pee/Poo Poo:When your man comes home from work, you must make sure he catches you in rare form. “Honey, where are you?”…”I’m in here, dear”. Let him follow your voice all the way to the bathroom, where you will be squatting down on the toilet making a fabulous shadoobie. Or, you could be peeing…better yet, be peeing standing up- this will really freak him out. Men do not want to know that we have bodily functions. They would rather believe that the things just magically disappear. So, letting your man in on your little (or big) shadoobie secret is enough to make willy wonka go wonka wonk.

Past Sexual Relationships: The next time you have one of your “headaches”, go ahead and proceed with the booty making. Now, you must wait for the right moment for this one. Allow him to give oral sex and right in the middle of it, you need to say, “Wow, that was amazing…you did it just as good as Jeremy, if not better”. You must be prepared for a wild, psychotic response. This should do the trick though. Don”t be surprised if you never get sex again, isn’t that what you were going for anyway? Score! So, comparing your man’s sexual performance to others is a quick and easy way to make Mr. Happy not in the mood.

Faking It:I shouldn’t even write about this one because you are probably already doing it. This one requires a little bit of pizazz and Drama 101. Yes, we are talking about faking an orgasm. Now, I’m not talking about the believable fake orgasm. I am talking about the “She’s totally faking it” orgasm. It’s surpasses “When Harry Met Sally”. You will need to scream at the top of your lungs, pull your own hair out, possibly start snorting, twitch, foam at the mouth…you know, the usual. He will be so turned off by your poor attempt (great attempt, in my opinion) at an orgasm that he’d probably rather just masturbate from here on out. Yeehaw! So, faking a obvious, dramatic, psychotic orgasm…ending it with a generic “That was great” (kind of like MORE OVALTINE PLEASE)will make his taliwaker want to run and hide.

Vaginal Flatulence:This is the perfect way to scare the hell out of your man. We all know what vaginal flatulence is, also known as “Queef”. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s just how it is sometimes but if you all of a sudden got a really bad queefing problem, you’re man is more likely to read the newspaper than fill you up. I am not the one to teach “Queefing 101″ but there are many tutorials on the Internet that teach you how to do this on command. It’s a good idea to bump nasties a few times and let a few slip, “Oops, sorry honey” and then work your way up to a “Queef Off”. Look, we need to hurry this one up…I’m getting embarrassed hanging around in this tip. So, letting your man think you have croaking frogs in your vagina will most likely have his ding dong running for the hills.

Bossy Bitch Sex:The last thing your man wants is for you to be “Miss Know-It-All” in the bedroom. What you are going to do is be ‘the guide’ in the bedroom. Next time ya’ll are in the sac, you call all the shots. You will act like you are orchestrating the entire butt session. “Okay, not it’s time for some foreplay”, “I need you to go down slowly on me and then come back up and say Poppernickle” “You’re going to slow” “You’re going to fast” “What do you think you’re doing” “Pull my hair” “Slap my ass” “You’re pulling too hard” “You’re not pulling hard enough” “Who taught you how to ***?” MOVE IT SOLDIER! Okay, maybe the soldier part was a little bit over the top. Now, you will end this Bossy Bitch Sex with “Is it in yet?”. So, being a bossy bitch will put you on the top of his “Not To Do List” in a hurry.

The Corpse: If you haven’t scared him off by now, (what a trooper) this one will not only scare him off but bore him to death. Yes, it involves having sex again but simmer down, we’re almost done. This one is easy as pie. Now, when ya’ll are in the bed together and he starts to feel you up, touching you, caressing you…just lay there. When it starts sticking his tongue in your hoo ha, just lay there. When he mounts you and starts panting, just lay there. If you want to look at your watch a few times, this works also. After you have used so much sexual energy to just…well, lay there…and while he is still panting heavy bust out with a snore. So, playing the dead corpse will definitely put a damper on his idea of sex, again, he would probably just rather masturbate so willy will be happy.

Poor Hygiene:This step/tip does not involve intercourse because by the time he smells your funky ass, he’ll have hauled ass. This one takes a few weeks to work on though but is a win/win. Stop shaving your legs, under your arms and don’t shave your dildo box. You want to make sure you have the wildest Afro on the block. Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with a Macy Gray Afro but the armpit and leg Afro will freak him out. Also, we are going to go against our dentist’s recommendations and skip on the whole brushing our teeth thing. The one thing that will scare a man off though is a stinky tinky winky. Look, I don’t know how to make that happen and I really don’t think I want to talk about it, you can figure that one out on your own. So, looking sloppy, being messy, smelling god awful, being bushy and having an armpit Afro….his Johnson will have no choice but to go to the dark side.

Say His Name:You’re probably wondering what saying his name is going to do. I didn’t say WHOSE name! This one will will be the big finale. The two of you are getting at it, it’s wild, it’s hot..It’s GIRLS GONE WILD (oops, wrong post) it’s passionate, it’s dramatic, it’s _______ and _______. Wait until he starts huffing and puffing, go in for the fake orgasm, be dramatic, start screaming “Oh yes Oh yes…OMG JEREMY Don’t STOP, Jeremy Don’t Stop” (his name is Bob) I am willing to bet my left nipple that he never wants to have sex with you again. This is a victory, my friend. Not only will you be booty less, you will also be manless. Congratulations!

Warning: This post is for entertainment purposes only. If you really want to dodge having sex with your man THAT bad, then maybe you should find a new man. If you really feel the need to complete any one of these steps, please run to your nearest mental institute, I’ll be waiting for you!

Articles:

10 Things That Turn Off Men
His Biggest Turn-Offs

You are in a relationship that is fulfilling  and you feel as if the two of you are perfect for one another, you get along great, you do all sorts of things together, you respect one another, you are somewhat compatible, you make one another happy BUT ….HUGE BUT…you do not have sex: This IS not a romantic relationship THIS IS a FRIENDSHIP!!

Women can only go so long without sex until they start to see their mate as a good guy friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? If you are not bumping nasties with me on a routine basis, you are not going WITH me to a deeper level therefore you will slowly get pushed into the friend zone. Yes, we all need friends  but some of us are looking for someone to take the majority of our heart. There’s three parts to the heart IMO:

Section 1: Family
Section 2: Friends
Section 3: Children in Ethiopia
Section 4: Fuzzy Feelings.

Now, the fuzzy feelings take up the majority of the heart and is reserved for that one special person. This part of the heart is where all the romantic mushiness resides. It’s where love blossoms and it’s where the deep connection blooms. Now, let me explain to you how a ‘deep connection’ is stimulated in a woman. You’re probably thinking that “Section 4″ of the heart can be bought, you are mistaken- my friend. No diamonds, dildos or donuts will do. Disclaimer: The auther of this post is speaking from her own Section 4, not women of America’s Section 4 You want to know how women get and keep that deep, soulful connection? Sex. Yes, sex. Now, how hard is that? Obviously not hard enough.

Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying and get the idea that I am simply saying sex is all we need. We need all that other bullshit like validation, appreciation, understanding, and SEX. You see? I have loads of friends and it’s understood that our friends validate us and appreciate us but we don’t bang our friends. Oh wait, some of us do but then we skate over to the “Friends With Benefits” zone and that’s another post in itself. So, in order for us to differentiate the difference between you and our good friend Bob, you must inject the penis. Disclaimer: These are only the psychotic, demented views of the author Yes, we know that you guys bond by doing stuff with us and sharing those Kodak moments and we have no problem going along with the bonding process, but we need and want intimate, touching, romantic, hard core,  monkey, hanging from the rafters, embarrassing your mother SEX. Okay, it doesn’t HAVE to be wild sex, any penetration will do- as long as it’s not in the booty. I’m sorry but I will lose my deep connection with you if you go deep into my ass.

We laugh together, converse together, play together, cook together, solve problems together…all of these things create a semi-circle around Section 4, if you want to complete the circle..there must be sex. Yes, we know, sex is more of an action to you…it isn’t bonding, unspoken emotions, connecting..it’s just sloppy slam bam thank you mam. It’s just another moment in life where you have to raise your heartbeat, get sweaty and shoot mini you’s. Sorry pal, women don’t see it that way. Think of it this way- the closest you can be to someone (physically) is to be inside someone [The closest you can be to someone (emotionally) is to be inside their Section 4]. Sex is putting the cherry on top of the relationship. We don’t confirm our friendships by banging our same sex friends, do we? “Oh damn, that Cindy was something special, Whew Wee, I can tell we’re going to be GREAT friends…” When women have sex with a man, they are letting you into their world. They are letting you have a piece of them (piece of ass) and their Section 4. Unless their whores, you should consider having sex with a woman something special.

Now, we know you banged the hell out of us in the beginning because it was vagina and you were all excited and twitterpated. We were just as excited as you were, but all of a sudden…DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD and so is your ding dong. All of a sudden, life seems to grab you by the balls and you’re too busy, too stressed, too tired, too hungry, too impotent, too f*cking your secretary. How can you NOT want to bang me? Now, you’ve gone and done it. Women are conditioned to think that every man wants, eats, sleeps and dreams about sex. We are dumbfounded when we stumble upon one that thinks otherwise. First, we research all outside resources to see if and what might be impacting your boner. Then, we do the womanly thing (we all do it) and starting point the boner at ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you are too tired, too hungry, too busy, too stressed, too limp….Let me tell you what a woman thinks when her man does not want to have sex with her:

1. He’s f*cking someone else
2. I’m not good enough
3. I must suck in bed
4. I must have an ugly body and he’s not attracted to me
5. My breasts must look funny, he’s laughing at my vagina
6. My vagina must smell like armpit
7. He’s embarrassed to see me naked, now I”m embarrassed to be naked
8. I guess I just don’t do it for him
9. He’s f*cking someone else
10.He’s just not that into me (I hate this phrase n0w)

Read the rest of this entry »

Oh me, I remember my “Want” list years ago, well… 2 and a half years ago to be exact. What  happened 2 1/2 years ago? I popped out a baby. Yes, I know…it was quite an experience…stretch marks, constipation, epidural, blood, amniotic sac, FETUS… wait, where was I? Oh yes, my want list: I think it looked a little something like this:

1)Must Love Dogs
2)No Kids
3)Must Love Chicken
4)No Kids
5)Must Love Vibrators
6)No Kids

You get the point, right? Married men and men with children were 100% forbidden, well for me anyways. Silly,uh? What was my reasoning? I didn’t want something who had already..well, been “had”. I didn’t want a ready made family. I didn’t want someone to have to call me “Miss Lindsay”. I didn’t want to deal with a crazy ex-wife. I didn’t want to write out a check for $1000 a month for child support. I didn’t want a constant reminder that my man and some other woman f*cked. I mean, to me, kids were just little f*cking reminders. I know, I should be ashamed of myself but I’m not. I mean, come on, can you blame me? I was a single, independent woman who had no clue about children. They scared me. I would be lying if I said they still don’t scare me a little, just a bit. Anyway, all I know is that one day I woke up and every man on the planet (it seemed) had children. I searched high and low for a man that hadn’t populated. You see, I had this cool idea of never getting married or ever having kids. I was going to be the small town “Angelina Jolie” and adopt Asian babies and wear cool sunglasses. Then, I stumbled on a dude that had no kids, no ex wife and yeehaw, there was gold in them thar hills. Needless to say, we saw, we came and then we conquered and by the time it was all over I was Miss Mommy Lindsay.

So, it was a surprise and a beautiful one at that. Dammit, if I knew this mother thing was going to be so cool..I would have started having babies years ago. Ok, not really. Somehow I managed to go from Miss Lindsay to Mommy Lindsay to Single Mommy Lindsay. Funny how that kind of works out. For awhile, I never thought about dating but as months passed I started to wonder what kind of man would want to date a woman who had a little baby? Warning: Here comes random thought: It’s amazing how selective we get once we have children.I stayed single for almost a year or more because I became incredibly picky and choosy. No, I wasn’t looking for a father for my son, he already had one but I was looking for someone that would be a positive influence. Damn, slim pickings. I actually told myself that I would probably never find a compatible partner that would accept me plus my cute little baggage. I prepared myself to be single and decided that I would rather be single than be with someone who didn’t accept my little one. Eventually, I started dating a dude. I find it somewhat comical that he (like all the others I’ve dated) had no children. Am I wrong for thinking “YES!”? Am I wrong for thinking that one kid is all I can handle at the moment?

*Sigh* How do I always manage to crap up my post with complete bullshit before I even get to the damn point? So, this is really my first relationship since the wonk wonk wonk ex. It’s extremely new for me to be dating someone other than my son’s father. I can only imagine how new it is for the dude because he’s never dated anyone with children. Is it okay to say it’s the blind leading the blind? Anywho, moving on to bigger and better balls..err, I mean things. I wanted, for my own therapeutic selfish reasons, to post about issues and tips concerning dating with children.

1. Scare Tactics: The quickest way to scare the hell out of someone on a first date is to focus 101% on your children. I know, you’re a proud parent but for some reason, it can easily freak the other person out. Pulling out pictures and talking about how Bobby’s balls just dropped isn’t something someone really wants to hear about in the beginning. I think it’s important to mention that you have children and tis okay to tell the ages/sex/etc but leave it at that. It’s okay to focus on yourself or someone else for five minutes, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Slowly progress into doting on your children. Of course, if the person you are going out with has children also- this whole tip might as well go down the drain.  Read the rest of this entry »

Happy “Baby Daddy” Day everybody! Yes, it’s that special day where ‘baby daddies’ around the world come together to celebrate the joys of being a father. Okay, so maybe they don’t all come together but I’m pretty sure that most are celebrating, right? So, I just got back from my ‘baby daddy’ house. I actually put together an album of pictures of my son and him for Father’s Day. I know what you’re thinking, I’m a damn sweet baby mamma. Damn straight and damn skippy.  Most women would turn their nose up at the idea of giving her ex a Father’s Day present. Look people, the  man is going to be in your life for the next 18 years so you might as well make the best of it.

I know, I’m sure (like most relationships) it probably ended pretty shitty (hey, that rhymed) and there might be a little bitterness, maybe a tid bit of resentment. I had my moments of being pissed, I’m human..you know. At one point, I didn’t think I would piss on him if he were on fire. At one point, I wanted to be the fire starter. At one point, I thought I could murder him in his sleep…just slowly put a pillow over his head and watch him squirm as he slowly drifted off into la la land. At one point, I’m out of points but you get the point…I was one pissed off bitch.

If you are in the situation where your ex is the father of your child, the relationship can go one or two ways..good or bad. I mean, I’m sure it can be ‘luke warm’ in the middle sometimes but mostly it’s from one extreme to the other. I gave myself time to be pissed at him, hate him, despise him, throwing imaginary darts at his face and then I got over it…only after I hit bulls eye about a trillion times. *sigh* The good thing about pain is that it doesn’t have to last forever. At one point, the pain can and will pass but it’s up to you to move on. You can dilly dally all day in a big puddle of pain but as Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working for you?”. Read the rest of this entry »

My lovely people, G’day! Yes, I do apologize..I have been hiding under a small rock. If you can just imagine two big booty cheeks with a rock in the middle, that’s me. I wish I could say that I’ve been vacationing at the Virgin Islands taking away virginity left and right but that isn’t the case. The only excuse that I have is that I have been designing some sort of plan for world peace? Does that work? I’ve been extremely busy and the one thing I love to do jumped on the back burner. Ok, enough with my excuses…this is a long one, you might wanna grab a beer and some nuts…roll that beautiful bean footage!

So, most of you that know me and those of you that don’t either know or don’t know that I have been dating a guy man for the past err, eight months. Holy Moly, that screams commitment. Hold me, I’m scared. I’ve had a few,little,minor major breaking points in the past week due to, what I would call, emotional neglect, not enough sleep, too many supplements, PMS and a partridge in a pear tree. With that being said, I would like to say that there is a difference between someone who neglects on purpose and someone who doesn’ t know they are neglecting. No woman wants to say “Hey there buddy, you are neglecting my feelings, my needs and my vagina”. We would rather give subtle hints and let you figure it out for yourself. We should know by now ( I should know by now) that you men do not know the term subtle. All you know is the term ’blunt’ and I’m not talking about reefer. (Just Say No!)

So, yes, the man and I got into a little cat fight debate. These seldom happen and when they do, it’s not the kind of situation where someone wants to be the winner. Also, I am almost 100%  positive that he thinks I am a loon with psychotic tendencies. I have to admit that I surprised myself. I am not someone that flies off of the handle when the shit has hit the fan. I am not someone who cries at the drop of the hat. I was at the end of my rope, feeling drained, empty and broke.  This is all because he never showed his feelings. He never complimented me, wasn’t very affectionate, didn’t think about sex and sometimes didn’t really converse with me. Some people mentioned that this could be toxic and some form of emotional abuse. I didn’t think that he would do anything on purpose to hurt me, it did feel toxic and it did feel like neglect. I eventually found out that this is his first serious relationship ever. I am cutting him some extreme slack. He didn’t know any better. I told him that I was in good shape before I met him. I was confident, had great self-esteem, was sure of myself..and all of that jazz. Now, I’m not. My confidence is somewhat shaky, I questioned my appearance now, I’m not sure if I have any good jokes left and sometimes my booty jiggles. Why has this happened? I told him I need validation, women need validation. And this is where it baffled me. He said:

“Why do you need me to validate who you are and how you feel about yourself?”
Say what?
Oh, for a second there I thought you said “Waka Waka Waka”

The question stumped me. I looked as if he just had just given me the magic formula to Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Jawbreakers. I was confused and usually “Oh little one with good comebacks” was speechless. I understood the question, I understood what he was saying…it was formulating feelings in my gut that was the problem. I could feel why I needed validation but I couldn’t say it. Why did I need him to feel pretty? Why did I need him to feel accepted? Why was I so confident before and not so much now? Why did I need sex from him? Oh, that one’s easy..I was horny. Why did I need him to hold me, touch me, caress me, fondle me? I love the word fondle. The combination of it all is summed up in one word…validation.

Look, I don’t know why we need validation. I could go without it if I didn’t need it so much, um, that made no sense. So, listen to this: Are you ready? Can someone please give me a drum roll?

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us– in other words, that THEY matter to us. By “mirroring” some one’s feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us. Read the rest of this entry »

While trying to snooze last night, my mind kept hovering over the sex topic. Not a bad subject,eh? Mmm,sex..nipples, vagina’s and blueberry muffins. I was thinking about men having sex vs. women having sex. I think men would be content with getting instant wood, sticking it in the muffin, baking it  and rolling over for a nap. He aims, he shoots (literally), he scores, Game Over. wonk wonk wonk. (and the crowd goes wild) Now, take note that I am not putting all men into one category but I am only speaking from “my” majority. Why must sex be so mechanical? Mmm, for some reason it makes me want to do the robot. Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto  I know, you’re getting wood just thinking about it.  I’m just going to cut the crap and get to the point. Some women are easily won by looks, success, fame and/or fortune, me? Well, it doesn’t take much…just a little foreplay. Yes, I am easily pleased or is it easy to please, or pleased to be easy? Oh dammit, you get the point.

Most women do not like sex that is robotic, mechanical, mundane,…you know, same ole shit different day. We don’t like knowing that at 10:00 pm you are going to nudge us with your man parts, hover over us for ten minutes, huffing and panting and then ‘tada’..nap time. Where’s the creativity? Oh hell, I guess this could probably go out to women also. Look people, are you forgetting something? Oh yes, there it is, look in your back pocket…It’s called FOREPLAY. For the love of the muffins, what happened to Mr. Foreplay? Newsflash: You can just jump in a vagina without giving it special attention. You wouldn’t run in a marathon without practicing first? You wouldn’t work out without stretching first? You wouldn’t bake the turkey without preheating, right? You’ve got to preheat the vagina at 350.

If you want a woman to melt in your hands, you have got to give her some foreplay. Please, tease us. Take your time with us, we aren’t going anywhere. Instead of going straight to our muffin, why don’t you play with the blueberries first? Rub us here, a little there, oh don’t forget “that” spot and then slowly make your way down to Muffin Land, by the way, Do you know the muffin man? Well, you can me “King” of the muffins if you take your time with a woman and give her foreplay. Most women, including myself, feel denied if there is no foreplay. Some of us feel used and wonder why you don’t want to take the time to touch us and to make us feel good. Hell, most of us are more aggravated after sex than before because since our ‘needs’ weren’t attended to, we become extremely frustrated.

A man generally doesn’t understand  a woman’s need to relax and get into sex slowly. Most men start out balls to the wall and ready to go, standing to attention. A lot of times, women can not enjoy sex unless they are really relaxed. Giving us foreplay and teasing us will give us all the time in the world to  feel comfortable with you. We won’t feel pressured to “hurry up” and enjoy what we can before you blow your load. We want a man that is going to take his sweet time with us. We want men who aren’t just thinking about getting a nut and taking a nap. (nut, nap, next)

Here’s the problem: Men know that if they stroke it long enough, it will cum. “If you stroke it, it will cum”. On the other hand, women are completely different. Each woman and vagina is different. Some can orgasm with just a penis, some need clitoris stimulation, some need 10 minutes, some need 30, some need vibrators, some need George Clooney. Whatever it is that she needs, you’ve got to scope it out and figure out what works best for the both of you. Please don’t assume that just because your wing wong is in her ting tong that she is satisfied. We want you to touch us, caress us, love on us, kiss us, etc. Memo: Kissing during sex makes it a million times more enjoyable and intimate for us. Also, we hate feeling rushed to climax. If there is any sort of mental “hurry up and come” pressure on our vagina, we will never reach the big O.

I am amazed how most men forget about the little ole clitoris. What is so hard about just tapping it a few times? Correct me if I’m wrong but when a man does not take the time to touch a woman’s hoo ha, she takes it personally and thinks something is wrong with her and her vagina. I mean, it’s not like we are asking you to climb Mount Everest. I read somewhere that 98% of the orgasms women experience are from the result of stimulating the clitoris. Stimulated clitoris=Happy vagina=Happy woman=More nights out with the guys=Happy man. See how that works? Viola!

So, here’s the plan, men. If you are wanting to drive your woman wild and take her vagina down to China town, please her and please her good. The next time the two of you are about to bang, tease her. No, don’t tease her for a minute and then get it on…I mean, seriously, tease her. Caress her, run your fingers down her thighs, touch her female parts, and then start having sex with her. So, right before you hit the big O, pull out and go back to focusing on her. This way you don’t totally lose your erection pleasing her. Put it on your “To Do” list to  make her O. So, tease her, stick it in, tease her some more, make her climax and then go in for the kill (your “O”). Capiche?