The Queen of Relationships

I know what you are thinking, “Duh, we all know Madonna is a whore”. *cough* I’m not really talking about “THAT” Madonna. No sir, the Madonna I am talking about doesn’t vogue nor does she live in a material world. Through the years, you’ve probably heard all the stories about men trying to bone their partner, getting the popular, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache”. Society has conditioned our minds to believe that all men want sex and women just do it to shut them up. I’m sure there are a few truths to this. Yes, I admit it, I have had sex just to shut someone up. It didn’t work. The more they get the more they want, right? Can you blame them? Needless to say, this isn’t the direction I wanted to go in, excuse me while I do a 180. *superhuman zip zap doodle 180*

Ever heard of women that can’t get sex? Well, I mean, I am sure there’s always someone that’ll do them but I am talking about women not getting sex from their man. GASP! Oh yes Jeana, it happens and it happens a lot. This topic was spawned through deep thinking, chanting and looking back on my own personal situations. Yes, I have personal situations. Wanna hear about them? Pull up a chair. Let me first say, I was hesitant to even write about this because it’s somewhat personal but since most of my readers are out in cyber sexspace, I convinced myself that it was okay. The way I see it is, if all my bitching and moaning helps just one person- my work is done here and I will get my crown in heaven…or whatever is after the after. Hot Dog, anyone?

Let me first start off by saying, deep down- I know I ain’t ugly. I don’t think I’ve gotten hit with the ugly stick. Now, I’m not saying this to come across as conceited because if you knew what kind of shape I was in (regarding this situation) you would notice that conceited is the wrong term, more like beaten down and oppressed. Damn, that seemed kind of sad when I typed that. (I would like to invite every one to my pity party tomorrow at 4:00.) Read the rest of this entry »

Yes, all you old timers are probably *gasping* at this, but hey it’s 2009. My dad craps a pickle every time I tell him “I met him online”. In order to prevent cardiac arrest, I have come up with a new way to drop the news.

Dad says, “Where did you meet this gentleman?”
I SAY

“I pulled his name off of the sex offender list; just kidding…I met him online.”
“I ran into him at the strip club…haha, I just met him online.”
“It said, “For A Good Time Call XXXX”, so I did; oh, I really met him online”
“I bumped into him at a gay night club, oh Dad, I just met him online”
“I met him at a marriage retreat; Okay, I met him online..and his wife!”
“I met him on a herpes dating site, well..kind of..minus the herpes”

So, you see? I try to soften the blow by making it sound off the wall and then when he hears I met them online, there is a small sigh of relief…not a big one, but a sigh none the least. What is so wrong about meeting people online? Why are people so snoodish (no, that’s not a word) when you tell them you met your SO online? Why are us online daters somewhat embarrassed to say, “I met him through the online personals”.

Dad- the way I see it is, I could either be at a bar picking up on drunk, toothless men or I could be in the comfort of my own home, scanning profiles, looking at pictures and picking out the man of my dreams. Why must I wait until I bump into him at some stupid coffee shop? What are the chances of me running into him at my best friends wedding? Duh, my best friend got married five years ago and he wasn’t there. Yes, I know what you say…”If you go looking for something, you will find it”. Great, that’s just the mind set I need. So, what you are saying is I’m going to go look for prince charming and then I will find him. That’s perfect. Let me guess, that’s not what you meant? I love you Dad, but you got to get with the program.

People that shy away from online dating, it’s really due to a lack of knowledge. “But there are a lot of crazy people out there”. Oh really? You know what? You’re right. I run into crazy people every day and I don’t think I”ve seen their face on www.match.com. What are you scared of? How is it different than meeting someone for lunch that you met at a bar? How is it different than meeting someone for coffee, someone that your co-worker set you up with? Mmm? It must be fear of the unknown and not have a personal relationship with your computer. People that do not know there way around the Internet or their computer tend to think that online dating is dangerous, scary, corny and for losers. Honestly, the ones that turn their nose up at it are the ones that are losing out.

Dating online has some serious perks. First of all, you don’t have to shit your pants trying to figure out how you are going to approach someone. It’s just with the click of a button. Blind dates are a thing of the past because now you can check out some one’s profile. Some one’s profile can basically tell you everything from their favorite color, to the job, to how much money they make, their beliefs, their likes/dislikes, what they like to do for fun, etc. Honestly, who wants to sit through a dinner date trying to learn all of these questions only to find out that they are all wrong for you. You can bypass all the bullshit and get straight to the juice.If you are worried about meeting someone that’s koo koo, then you must live under a little rock in Egypt. You’re chances of meeting someone koo koo are probably just the same as meeting someone in “reality”, “reality”- isn’t that what you call it?

Honestly, after dating online I’ve become extremely close to finding my “Ideal” man, comparing it to the men I’ve dated before the computer- it’s been way more promising. Now granted, I’ve met a few koo koo’s but I take caution like I would with any serial killer dater. I’m not trying to totally sway your opinion, I’m just throwing mine out there. You can’t really judge online dating unless you’ve done it before. It doesn’t work for everyone but it might just work for you. I’ve got a handful of online dating stories that are funny, dramatic, traumatic, blissful, weird, magical, etc. I’d love for you to share any online dating tips or stories.

ONLINE DATING DOCUMENTARY PEOPLE!

There is a documentary in the making about people who date online. There is a tv series in the works and they are looking for people who have all sorts of stories when it comes to online dating. Of course, you know I’ve already submitted mine because I can’ t keep my damn  mouth shut. So, please bounce over to their website and spill your guts about all your online adventures. Their website is www.meeting-stories.org. Tell’em the Queen sent you.

AWESOME ONLINE DATING BOOKS PEOPLE!

Also, I just read a great book by Cherie Burbach (cool name) about online dating. If you are hesitant about dating online, feel clueless, don’t know where to start: This book is for you. It’s called “Internet Dating is not Like Ordering A Pizza”. I love the title. She totally breaks down online dating into a way that all of us can understand and learn from. She also wrote a previous book called At The Coffee Shop, which if you are EXTREMELY new to online dating, you should read this one first! To learn more about Cherie and to read more of her work, please visit www.TheDifferenceNow.com.

Okay, now that I’ve got that off of my chest- I’mma go stalk the personals. I’m the koo koo online dater that your friends warned you about…MuaHAHAHA!

TODAY IS NATIONAL VAGINA DAY! OKAY, NOT REALLY BUT…………

I’m going to let you in on a little secret of mine. No, I don’t have a talking vagina but I do have a musical one. It definitely takes the term “vibrato” to another level. Yes, I have one talented va-j-j. (Pff, that’s what he said) Considering I am very musical inclined this works out great for me, and on those days I’m feeling somewhat down, I just spread my legs and listen to the latest Top 40. On those not so clean days, you can find me and my vagina singing a duet of “Rubber Ducky”. When I’m feeling happy or excited, my vagina and I blow bubbles. Um, I’m not sure what that had to do with music but err, I just let that one slip. So many women around the world are blessed with talented vaginas. I envy the ones that have talking hoo ha’s. If only I could get my cute, little dildo box to talk to me. I wonder what she would say. What would your vagina say? WWYVS

1. Stop poking fun at me.
2. Quit sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.
3. Can’t touch this. (I’d like to thank M.C. Hammer for making this possible)
4. Who turned out the lights?
5. Okay, who farted?
6. I’m starting to get the feeling we aren’t alone.
7. It really is the inside that counts.
8. You can’t just cum in and out of my life like that.
9. Give me puberty, or give me death!
10.  Whew, I’m stuffed.
11. Clit me with your best shot!
12. I’ve got an asshole for a neighbor.

 Tell me what you think your hoo ha/ding dong have to say!!!

Today’s useless and uninformative post was sponsored and brought to you by No Nonsense Pantyhoes.

You are in a relationship that is fulfilling  and you feel as if the two of you are perfect for one another, you get along great, you do all sorts of things together, you respect one another, you are somewhat compatible, you make one another happy BUT ….HUGE BUT…you do not have sex: This IS not a romantic relationship THIS IS a FRIENDSHIP!!

Women can only go so long without sex until they start to see their mate as a good guy friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? If you are not bumping nasties with me on a routine basis, you are not going WITH me to a deeper level therefore you will slowly get pushed into the friend zone. Yes, we all need friends  but some of us are looking for someone to take the majority of our heart. There’s three parts to the heart IMO:

Section 1: Family
Section 2: Friends
Section 3: Children in Ethiopia
Section 4: Fuzzy Feelings.

Now, the fuzzy feelings take up the majority of the heart and is reserved for that one special person. This part of the heart is where all the romantic mushiness resides. It’s where love blossoms and it’s where the deep connection blooms. Now, let me explain to you how a ‘deep connection’ is stimulated in a woman. You’re probably thinking that “Section 4″ of the heart can be bought, you are mistaken- my friend. No diamonds, dildos or donuts will do. Disclaimer: The auther of this post is speaking from her own Section 4, not women of America’s Section 4 You want to know how women get and keep that deep, soulful connection? Sex. Yes, sex. Now, how hard is that? Obviously not hard enough.

Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying and get the idea that I am simply saying sex is all we need. We need all that other bullshit like validation, appreciation, understanding, and SEX. You see? I have loads of friends and it’s understood that our friends validate us and appreciate us but we don’t bang our friends. Oh wait, some of us do but then we skate over to the “Friends With Benefits” zone and that’s another post in itself. So, in order for us to differentiate the difference between you and our good friend Bob, you must inject the penis. Disclaimer: These are only the psychotic, demented views of the author Yes, we know that you guys bond by doing stuff with us and sharing those Kodak moments and we have no problem going along with the bonding process, but we need and want intimate, touching, romantic, hard core,  monkey, hanging from the rafters, embarrassing your mother SEX. Okay, it doesn’t HAVE to be wild sex, any penetration will do- as long as it’s not in the booty. I’m sorry but I will lose my deep connection with you if you go deep into my ass.

We laugh together, converse together, play together, cook together, solve problems together…all of these things create a semi-circle around Section 4, if you want to complete the circle..there must be sex. Yes, we know, sex is more of an action to you…it isn’t bonding, unspoken emotions, connecting..it’s just sloppy slam bam thank you mam. It’s just another moment in life where you have to raise your heartbeat, get sweaty and shoot mini you’s. Sorry pal, women don’t see it that way. Think of it this way- the closest you can be to someone (physically) is to be inside someone [The closest you can be to someone (emotionally) is to be inside their Section 4]. Sex is putting the cherry on top of the relationship. We don’t confirm our friendships by banging our same sex friends, do we? “Oh damn, that Cindy was something special, Whew Wee, I can tell we’re going to be GREAT friends…” When women have sex with a man, they are letting you into their world. They are letting you have a piece of them (piece of ass) and their Section 4. Unless their whores, you should consider having sex with a woman something special.

Now, we know you banged the hell out of us in the beginning because it was vagina and you were all excited and twitterpated. We were just as excited as you were, but all of a sudden…DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD and so is your ding dong. All of a sudden, life seems to grab you by the balls and you’re too busy, too stressed, too tired, too hungry, too impotent, too f*cking your secretary. How can you NOT want to bang me? Now, you’ve gone and done it. Women are conditioned to think that every man wants, eats, sleeps and dreams about sex. We are dumbfounded when we stumble upon one that thinks otherwise. First, we research all outside resources to see if and what might be impacting your boner. Then, we do the womanly thing (we all do it) and starting point the boner at ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you are too tired, too hungry, too busy, too stressed, too limp….Let me tell you what a woman thinks when her man does not want to have sex with her:

1. He’s f*cking someone else
2. I’m not good enough
3. I must suck in bed
4. I must have an ugly body and he’s not attracted to me
5. My breasts must look funny, he’s laughing at my vagina
6. My vagina must smell like armpit
7. He’s embarrassed to see me naked, now I”m embarrassed to be naked
8. I guess I just don’t do it for him
9. He’s f*cking someone else
10.He’s just not that into me (I hate this phrase n0w)

Read the rest of this entry »

My lovely people, G’day! Yes, I do apologize..I have been hiding under a small rock. If you can just imagine two big booty cheeks with a rock in the middle, that’s me. I wish I could say that I’ve been vacationing at the Virgin Islands taking away virginity left and right but that isn’t the case. The only excuse that I have is that I have been designing some sort of plan for world peace? Does that work? I’ve been extremely busy and the one thing I love to do jumped on the back burner. Ok, enough with my excuses…this is a long one, you might wanna grab a beer and some nuts…roll that beautiful bean footage!

So, most of you that know me and those of you that don’t either know or don’t know that I have been dating a guy man for the past err, eight months. Holy Moly, that screams commitment. Hold me, I’m scared. I’ve had a few,little,minor major breaking points in the past week due to, what I would call, emotional neglect, not enough sleep, too many supplements, PMS and a partridge in a pear tree. With that being said, I would like to say that there is a difference between someone who neglects on purpose and someone who doesn’ t know they are neglecting. No woman wants to say “Hey there buddy, you are neglecting my feelings, my needs and my vagina”. We would rather give subtle hints and let you figure it out for yourself. We should know by now ( I should know by now) that you men do not know the term subtle. All you know is the term ’blunt’ and I’m not talking about reefer. (Just Say No!)

So, yes, the man and I got into a little cat fight debate. These seldom happen and when they do, it’s not the kind of situation where someone wants to be the winner. Also, I am almost 100%  positive that he thinks I am a loon with psychotic tendencies. I have to admit that I surprised myself. I am not someone that flies off of the handle when the shit has hit the fan. I am not someone who cries at the drop of the hat. I was at the end of my rope, feeling drained, empty and broke.  This is all because he never showed his feelings. He never complimented me, wasn’t very affectionate, didn’t think about sex and sometimes didn’t really converse with me. Some people mentioned that this could be toxic and some form of emotional abuse. I didn’t think that he would do anything on purpose to hurt me, it did feel toxic and it did feel like neglect. I eventually found out that this is his first serious relationship ever. I am cutting him some extreme slack. He didn’t know any better. I told him that I was in good shape before I met him. I was confident, had great self-esteem, was sure of myself..and all of that jazz. Now, I’m not. My confidence is somewhat shaky, I questioned my appearance now, I’m not sure if I have any good jokes left and sometimes my booty jiggles. Why has this happened? I told him I need validation, women need validation. And this is where it baffled me. He said:

“Why do you need me to validate who you are and how you feel about yourself?”
Say what?
Oh, for a second there I thought you said “Waka Waka Waka”

The question stumped me. I looked as if he just had just given me the magic formula to Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Jawbreakers. I was confused and usually “Oh little one with good comebacks” was speechless. I understood the question, I understood what he was saying…it was formulating feelings in my gut that was the problem. I could feel why I needed validation but I couldn’t say it. Why did I need him to feel pretty? Why did I need him to feel accepted? Why was I so confident before and not so much now? Why did I need sex from him? Oh, that one’s easy..I was horny. Why did I need him to hold me, touch me, caress me, fondle me? I love the word fondle. The combination of it all is summed up in one word…validation.

Look, I don’t know why we need validation. I could go without it if I didn’t need it so much, um, that made no sense. So, listen to this: Are you ready? Can someone please give me a drum roll?

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us– in other words, that THEY matter to us. By “mirroring” some one’s feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us. Read the rest of this entry »

While trying to snooze last night, my mind kept hovering over the sex topic. Not a bad subject,eh? Mmm,sex..nipples, vagina’s and blueberry muffins. I was thinking about men having sex vs. women having sex. I think men would be content with getting instant wood, sticking it in the muffin, baking it  and rolling over for a nap. He aims, he shoots (literally), he scores, Game Over. wonk wonk wonk. (and the crowd goes wild) Now, take note that I am not putting all men into one category but I am only speaking from “my” majority. Why must sex be so mechanical? Mmm, for some reason it makes me want to do the robot. Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto  I know, you’re getting wood just thinking about it.  I’m just going to cut the crap and get to the point. Some women are easily won by looks, success, fame and/or fortune, me? Well, it doesn’t take much…just a little foreplay. Yes, I am easily pleased or is it easy to please, or pleased to be easy? Oh dammit, you get the point.

Most women do not like sex that is robotic, mechanical, mundane,…you know, same ole shit different day. We don’t like knowing that at 10:00 pm you are going to nudge us with your man parts, hover over us for ten minutes, huffing and panting and then ‘tada’..nap time. Where’s the creativity? Oh hell, I guess this could probably go out to women also. Look people, are you forgetting something? Oh yes, there it is, look in your back pocket…It’s called FOREPLAY. For the love of the muffins, what happened to Mr. Foreplay? Newsflash: You can just jump in a vagina without giving it special attention. You wouldn’t run in a marathon without practicing first? You wouldn’t work out without stretching first? You wouldn’t bake the turkey without preheating, right? You’ve got to preheat the vagina at 350.

If you want a woman to melt in your hands, you have got to give her some foreplay. Please, tease us. Take your time with us, we aren’t going anywhere. Instead of going straight to our muffin, why don’t you play with the blueberries first? Rub us here, a little there, oh don’t forget “that” spot and then slowly make your way down to Muffin Land, by the way, Do you know the muffin man? Well, you can me “King” of the muffins if you take your time with a woman and give her foreplay. Most women, including myself, feel denied if there is no foreplay. Some of us feel used and wonder why you don’t want to take the time to touch us and to make us feel good. Hell, most of us are more aggravated after sex than before because since our ‘needs’ weren’t attended to, we become extremely frustrated.

A man generally doesn’t understand  a woman’s need to relax and get into sex slowly. Most men start out balls to the wall and ready to go, standing to attention. A lot of times, women can not enjoy sex unless they are really relaxed. Giving us foreplay and teasing us will give us all the time in the world to  feel comfortable with you. We won’t feel pressured to “hurry up” and enjoy what we can before you blow your load. We want a man that is going to take his sweet time with us. We want men who aren’t just thinking about getting a nut and taking a nap. (nut, nap, next)

Here’s the problem: Men know that if they stroke it long enough, it will cum. “If you stroke it, it will cum”. On the other hand, women are completely different. Each woman and vagina is different. Some can orgasm with just a penis, some need clitoris stimulation, some need 10 minutes, some need 30, some need vibrators, some need George Clooney. Whatever it is that she needs, you’ve got to scope it out and figure out what works best for the both of you. Please don’t assume that just because your wing wong is in her ting tong that she is satisfied. We want you to touch us, caress us, love on us, kiss us, etc. Memo: Kissing during sex makes it a million times more enjoyable and intimate for us. Also, we hate feeling rushed to climax. If there is any sort of mental “hurry up and come” pressure on our vagina, we will never reach the big O.

I am amazed how most men forget about the little ole clitoris. What is so hard about just tapping it a few times? Correct me if I’m wrong but when a man does not take the time to touch a woman’s hoo ha, she takes it personally and thinks something is wrong with her and her vagina. I mean, it’s not like we are asking you to climb Mount Everest. I read somewhere that 98% of the orgasms women experience are from the result of stimulating the clitoris. Stimulated clitoris=Happy vagina=Happy woman=More nights out with the guys=Happy man. See how that works? Viola!

So, here’s the plan, men. If you are wanting to drive your woman wild and take her vagina down to China town, please her and please her good. The next time the two of you are about to bang, tease her. No, don’t tease her for a minute and then get it on…I mean, seriously, tease her. Caress her, run your fingers down her thighs, touch her female parts, and then start having sex with her. So, right before you hit the big O, pull out and go back to focusing on her. This way you don’t totally lose your erection pleasing her. Put it on your “To Do” list to  make her O. So, tease her, stick it in, tease her some more, make her climax and then go in for the kill (your “O”). Capiche?

You know, (Do you really?) I usually write about issues that are going on in my own life. YES, I HAVE ISSUES, want some? I’d be more than happy to share. Trust me, there’s enough to go around. Man, I would feel like Oprah but instead of “YOU GET A CAR, YOU GET A CAR” it would be “YOU GET AN ISSUE, YOU GET AN ISSUE” (and the crowd goes wild). Tonight, I was doing my usual thinking, you know pondering, in deep thought, ooh the depth. I was thinking of the relationshipI am in now. Strange things have been going down on the home front. Just recently, my  SO seems to have changed somewhat. He doesn’t text as much as he used to, he doesn’t act like he wants to be around me, he’s not affectionate, he doesn’t laugh as much, he doesn’t flirt with me anymore…why does all of this sound so familiar? Holy shit, I feel like I am married. I’m not in Kansas anymore ToTo, the eagle has landed and the honeymoon is over, or is it?

I know what you are thinking. You’ve read over all the things he’s doing and not doing and you are thinking, yes I know you are thinking that there’s another woman. Cheating. Pure Adultery, scarlet letter style. Who  knows. Well, for now, I will let him keep his balls until I find out otherwise. I must admit that he is not 100% to blame. I have jumped into work head first and for a moment there, I forgot he existed. I know, shame on me. Well, now I feel as if I don’t exist to him. I’ve come back around but I’m not sure if he will ever come back. He says he’s just got a lot on his mind. Shit, he has no idea the junk that marinates in my brain. I think non-stop. I am always thinking, I think. I feel shut out. I feel unloved. I feel unpretty. Shame on me for allowing it. I totally accepted the fact that he couldn’t compliment me, that his love language wasn’t “words of affirmation”. I totally accepted that he didn’t want to have sex all the time, that his love language wasn’t “let’s f*ck 24/7″. I totally accepted that he wasn’t that affectionate, that his love language wasn’t physical touch. Now, what I can’t accept is feeling like neither is benefiting from the relationship. I’m not even sure how he benefits from being with me. The whole damn thing has got me shut down which makes me shut up. If anyone can ever get me to shut up, something is wrong, dammit.

I’ve mentioned this to him several times but I’m starting to feel like one of those girls. You know, “those” girls. The whiny chics that always want to know what a guy is feeling. Look, I don’t give a shit what any guy is feeling but when you just stop talking to me and borderline avoiding me, after awhile… I kinda start to notice and damn me for taking it personal. Here’s the thing that everyone needs to understand. You know, how in the beginning of a relationship…it’s all butterflies and semen? You are so head over heels for one another and you try to impress the hell out of each other? You go the extra mile for that person, you engage in good conversation, you laugh, you giggle, you tinkle a little and everything is freaking dandy.Then, *ribbet* it stops. You quit putting on your best face, you quit shaving underneath your arms, you look like a fragglerock down “there”, the relationship begins to become routine and before you know it, you’re bored as hell. Cupcake, anyone?

Soon enough, the relationship is on auto-pilot. It’s the same damn thing every single day. Same song, second verse. You go back to being selfish and you put your partner on the back burner and go on with your life. This is the problem, people. A relationship on auto-pilot, it doesn’t get any more boring than this. Listen to me, you never EVER never ever stop trying in a relationship. Every day when you wake up, you should think, “What can I do today to make my partner happy?”. This is my thinking, I think. You get out what you put into your relationship. If you don’t do shit with or to your relationship, you’re relationship will be boring shit.If you strive to make the other person happy, usually they will return the favor and things will be more enjoyable. But, if you are the only one trying to make the other one happy and it’s not returned, you need to think about finding another one. I’ve spent too many years focusing on making the other person happy with no return policy, I was completely miserable.  Again, a relationship takes continuous effort on both sides.

The honeymoon stage doesn’t have to end. It’s okay to be comfortable in a relationship but you should never feel comfortable enough that you don’t feel as if you have to make some sort of effort. It doesn’t have to be a holiday to send flowers. It doesn’t have to be Valentines Day to send a card. It doesn’t have to be a special event to go out. It doesn’t have to be their birthday to cook dinner. It doesn’t have to be your anniversary to have sex. In a relationship, you should consider everyday a holiday, everyday a special day, everyday another day that you get to spend with the person you love. I want to be loved. I want to be touched. I would like to hear I’m ‘cool’, ‘pretty’, ‘groovy’, ‘irresistiable’, ‘funny’ sometimes. I’m not asking for anyone to compliment me non-stop, just once a month would do it for me. You know, just to let me know that we are still in this together, yes..the validation.

So, these are my words of wisdom tonight, my friends. I am hoping that I can apply it to my own relationship, and can only hope it’s reciprocated. I want my relationship to have passion and meaning. I don’t want to ever have a relationship that gets boring. Boring is what makes people stray, boring seems to make people cheat, boring sometimes breaks people up, boring is just boring as hell. I won’t ramble any longer. Anyway, I’ve got to go…I’ve got a date with dildo and donuts. Two for non-smoking please.

Comments and opinions are always appreciated.

Good Morning, my beautiful readers. You are beautiful, don’t cha know? Not as beautiful as my left pinky toe BUT beautiful nonetheless. It’s a beautiful day today and what a perfect day it is for writing. Okay, so, it’s not really beautiful here…the sun is hidden, the clouds are massive and my armpit won’t stop itching. I am having this insane issue with scratching my armpit, every time I go to scratch, I get tickled and then I chuckle and the process is on continuously repeated. Damn, it’s going to feel great to put deodorant on. Ahh, what a great way to start a Sunday.

First of all, just wanted everyone to know that I am still alive. I haven’t been avoiding my blog purposely. I actually had a little tear roll down my cheek the other day when I thought of my blog. Life has been extremely weird lately and I’ve been crazy busy delving into it with a fork and a slab of butter. I think of you often and wonder if my readers have forgotten me, replaced me or thrown me out like chopped liver. I try to keep my writing steady but it looks as if I am only spitting out one a week. Honestly, it’s all about quality. I would rather write one a week then spit a million different posts at you that were half-assed. Is ‘half-assed’ a word? Mental Note: Ask Webster about “half-assed”.

Now, my lovely people, most of you might not know but when I write something, almost 99% of the time, I research topics before I write.  I like to read about what others have to say about a certain topic, so know that when I write “Top Tens” etc, it’s not based totally on my own opinion. I had someone leave a comment not long ago that told me I needed to start my blog off with, “This is how “I” feel”, or “This is what “I” think. This person was concerned that I was having an impact on the younger generation with my posts and opinions. Wow, am I really that special? What? I have an impact on the children of tomorrow? The comment came after one of my infamous “Top Ten Turn Offs”. I actually think it was the one about what turns off women. Granted, the person who left a comment was a man. Again people, I don’t make this shit up. I mean, I blog my own shit but when it comes to “Top Ten” or “Reasons”, it’s something I’ve really researched. It would be silly to assume that all women think like moi.

With that being said, I just wanted to tell you all that I’m still here and I think of you often. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what you are doing, what you are reading. It helps me to know that we are still all under the same blue sky. Omg, I think that was the cheesiest sentence I have ever written. Okay, folks, I will be spitting out a new post shortly, as soon as I get my panties out of a wad.

So, today is the day people. It’s “the” day, Valentines Day. It’s the one day  where lovers around the world are gazing into one another’s eyes and whispering sweet nothings. Excuse me while I puke, please. *runs to garbage can* Okay, much better. No really, I’ve never been a fan of Valentines Day. The best Valentines I thought I ever had was last year, by myself. You see, I’ve spent most of my life in “convenient” relationships. I was alone and “they” were alone so it only made sense to meet in the middle and be together. It was just convenient. I don’t think any of the past men ever really gave a shit. Would it be wrong to say that I didn’t give a shit either? I know, I’m a scrooge. With that being said, Valentines didn’t mean jack squat to me. I knew I would get chocolate and a card. The chocolate would be consumed in minutes, the card would be pushed to the side and it was just another day….until today. God, I’m so cheesy.

I’ve been dating him for a little over six months. There’s something different about him. I think about him all the time. I can’t stop staring at him when we are together. He’s always doing things for me. He spends so much time with me. He makes me laugh and while we both have things we need to work on (like everyone else)  it just feels so right. It kind of reminds me of O.J. Simpson. “If the glove doesn’t fit, then you must acquit”. Well, the glove fits people! It fits perfectly. Wow, did that make sense? I just pulled that one out of my hoo ha.

Moving on. He came over yesterday to visit me before he went to work. You know, he does that often. He works nights. I kissed him good-bye and already started to miss him. Look people, I can’t help it…I don’t know what’s going on with me. This is not normal. I spent most of the night working on my blog and playing on the computer. He texts me. He tells me that he has hidden my Valentine presents somewhere around the house and at 12:01 he would tell me where they were. Are you kidding me? Like, seriously? I thought it was the cutest thing ever. I started tearing the house apart looking for the goodies.

I told him that I thought he was lying because I watched him all day and didn’t see him hide anything. Yes, I am a stalker. He said, “Oh really?”. Okay, so maybe I didn’t stalk him 24/7 yesterday. I started in the wash room. I looked in all the cabinets, in the trash (hey, you never know), behind the clothes and in the dryer. It was nowhere to be found. He texts me again. “You only have thirty minutes until 12:01, are you going to make it?”. Damn, I felt as if I were looking for a bomb and if I didn’t find it before the clock struck 12:00, we were all going to die. I started looking again. For some reason, I kept thinking that he was lying to me and that when 12:01 finally came around he would laugh and scream, “Suckkkker!!”.

I went into every bedroom and ravished it. Yes, I said ravished. I looked in all of the closets, in all of the cabinets, in the bathroom, underneath the sink, up above, down beneath, you name it. I then got the bright idea that it’s probably not in the house. 19 minutes. I asked him if it was in the house and he said, “No”. SCORE! I’m so bright. I waltzed outside and started on my scavenger hunt. Where the hell could this stuff be? I had no idea what I was looking for. He then proceeded to tell me that it was in a bag and then was placed in another bag, covered up.

I dove into the storage room as if I were searching for a million dollars. I pushed everything to the side, making a mess. 10 more minutes. I looked in the dog food bag, pushing away the kibbles n bits to see if I saw anything. Nothing. I looked in the charcoal bag to see if it was there and nothing. Now, I smelled like dog food and charcoal,  just freaking lovely. 5 more minutes. I had five more minutes and I couldn’t help but think that any moment now “Sucker”, I was going to be called a sucker.

I gave up. I sat down outside for a brief moment to collect my thoughts. Where could it be? I looked everywhere. He text me again. “Go open the front door and then call me”. Dammit, I knew I should have looked in the bushes. I already looked underneath the front door mat and nothing. I must have overlooked it. I turn the porch light on and I’m so excited. I can’t wait to see what it was, it was 12:01. I opened the door and there he was, leaning against the brick..holding gifts. I almost peed myself. He scared the shit out of me and then I was speechless. I’ve never been on cloud nine before but I think this is what it felt like.

Who in the hell does this? Who takes the time to plan something like this out? I have never had anyone do something like this before. It was the sweetest thing. We opened presents and we told each other “Happy V-day”. The gifts he got me were extremely nice and I loved them but I couldn’t get over what he had just done. It’s the little things. It doesn’t matter if you get a crappy box of chocolates or diamonds, it really is the thought that counts. Did I just say that?

I want to apologize in advance for going “cheesy” on you, I really couldn’t help it. I also don’t want to make anyone feel bad because they might be alone for Valentines Day. Honestly, like I said, I’ve been alone for Valentines Day before and I had no problem buying myself chocolate and watching ridiculous “girly” movies. Yes, it’s nice to know that someone loves you on Valentines Day but what’s most important is that you love yourself. Happy V-Day!