The Queen of Relationships

So, is your man always beating down the bedroom door trying to get in to your dildo box? Is he coming home from work like a mad stallion ready to pounce the second he walks in the door? Is your man chasing you around the house with a raging hard on? Don’t you worry your pretty face, there are several things you can do to make his willy go wonk, wonk, wonk. If you are tired of saying, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” or “I think I need to wash my hair” or “I’m just too tired” or “It’s that time of the month”, get on board and start utilizing these steps to make his Willy Wonka sad. Now, I can not be held responsible for the outcome, which will be…viola…no sex. There will be no bitching nor whining after you have done the limp willy deed. Please proceed with caution and please remember, willy’s have feelings to.

Make Pee Pee/Poo Poo:When your man comes home from work, you must make sure he catches you in rare form. “Honey, where are you?”…”I’m in here, dear”. Let him follow your voice all the way to the bathroom, where you will be squatting down on the toilet making a fabulous shadoobie. Or, you could be peeing…better yet, be peeing standing up- this will really freak him out. Men do not want to know that we have bodily functions. They would rather believe that the things just magically disappear. So, letting your man in on your little (or big) shadoobie secret is enough to make willy wonka go wonka wonk.

Past Sexual Relationships: The next time you have one of your “headaches”, go ahead and proceed with the booty making. Now, you must wait for the right moment for this one. Allow him to give oral sex and right in the middle of it, you need to say, “Wow, that was amazing…you did it just as good as Jeremy, if not better”. You must be prepared for a wild, psychotic response. This should do the trick though. Don”t be surprised if you never get sex again, isn’t that what you were going for anyway? Score! So, comparing your man’s sexual performance to others is a quick and easy way to make Mr. Happy not in the mood.

Faking It:I shouldn’t even write about this one because you are probably already doing it. This one requires a little bit of pizazz and Drama 101. Yes, we are talking about faking an orgasm. Now, I’m not talking about the believable fake orgasm. I am talking about the “She’s totally faking it” orgasm. It’s surpasses “When Harry Met Sally”. You will need to scream at the top of your lungs, pull your own hair out, possibly start snorting, twitch, foam at the mouth…you know, the usual. He will be so turned off by your poor attempt (great attempt, in my opinion) at an orgasm that he’d probably rather just masturbate from here on out. Yeehaw! So, faking a obvious, dramatic, psychotic orgasm…ending it with a generic “That was great” (kind of like MORE OVALTINE PLEASE)will make his taliwaker want to run and hide.

Vaginal Flatulence:This is the perfect way to scare the hell out of your man. We all know what vaginal flatulence is, also known as “Queef”. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s just how it is sometimes but if you all of a sudden got a really bad queefing problem, you’re man is more likely to read the newspaper than fill you up. I am not the one to teach “Queefing 101″ but there are many tutorials on the Internet that teach you how to do this on command. It’s a good idea to bump nasties a few times and let a few slip, “Oops, sorry honey” and then work your way up to a “Queef Off”. Look, we need to hurry this one up…I’m getting embarrassed hanging around in this tip. So, letting your man think you have croaking frogs in your vagina will most likely have his ding dong running for the hills.

Bossy Bitch Sex:The last thing your man wants is for you to be “Miss Know-It-All” in the bedroom. What you are going to do is be ‘the guide’ in the bedroom. Next time ya’ll are in the sac, you call all the shots. You will act like you are orchestrating the entire butt session. “Okay, not it’s time for some foreplay”, “I need you to go down slowly on me and then come back up and say Poppernickle” “You’re going to slow” “You’re going to fast” “What do you think you’re doing” “Pull my hair” “Slap my ass” “You’re pulling too hard” “You’re not pulling hard enough” “Who taught you how to ***?” MOVE IT SOLDIER! Okay, maybe the soldier part was a little bit over the top. Now, you will end this Bossy Bitch Sex with “Is it in yet?”. So, being a bossy bitch will put you on the top of his “Not To Do List” in a hurry.

The Corpse: If you haven’t scared him off by now, (what a trooper) this one will not only scare him off but bore him to death. Yes, it involves having sex again but simmer down, we’re almost done. This one is easy as pie. Now, when ya’ll are in the bed together and he starts to feel you up, touching you, caressing you…just lay there. When it starts sticking his tongue in your hoo ha, just lay there. When he mounts you and starts panting, just lay there. If you want to look at your watch a few times, this works also. After you have used so much sexual energy to just…well, lay there…and while he is still panting heavy bust out with a snore. So, playing the dead corpse will definitely put a damper on his idea of sex, again, he would probably just rather masturbate so willy will be happy.

Poor Hygiene:This step/tip does not involve intercourse because by the time he smells your funky ass, he’ll have hauled ass. This one takes a few weeks to work on though but is a win/win. Stop shaving your legs, under your arms and don’t shave your dildo box. You want to make sure you have the wildest Afro on the block. Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with a Macy Gray Afro but the armpit and leg Afro will freak him out. Also, we are going to go against our dentist’s recommendations and skip on the whole brushing our teeth thing. The one thing that will scare a man off though is a stinky tinky winky. Look, I don’t know how to make that happen and I really don’t think I want to talk about it, you can figure that one out on your own. So, looking sloppy, being messy, smelling god awful, being bushy and having an armpit Afro….his Johnson will have no choice but to go to the dark side.

Say His Name:You’re probably wondering what saying his name is going to do. I didn’t say WHOSE name! This one will will be the big finale. The two of you are getting at it, it’s wild, it’s hot..It’s GIRLS GONE WILD (oops, wrong post) it’s passionate, it’s dramatic, it’s _______ and _______. Wait until he starts huffing and puffing, go in for the fake orgasm, be dramatic, start screaming “Oh yes Oh yes…OMG JEREMY Don’t STOP, Jeremy Don’t Stop” (his name is Bob) I am willing to bet my left nipple that he never wants to have sex with you again. This is a victory, my friend. Not only will you be booty less, you will also be manless. Congratulations!

Warning: This post is for entertainment purposes only. If you really want to dodge having sex with your man THAT bad, then maybe you should find a new man. If you really feel the need to complete any one of these steps, please run to your nearest mental institute, I’ll be waiting for you!

Articles:

10 Things That Turn Off Men
His Biggest Turn-Offs

No, I do not have a weenie..nor will I ever have a weenie. Let me rephrase that, I will never have a weenie attached to my body and no I do not own a strap on. Where am I going with this? Good question.  Mmm, what IS my point? I’m trying to tell you that just because I lack a schlong, penis, johnson, winky tinky, or taliwacker…doesn’t mean that I don’t know what men do and do not want. I’m sure some people probably think, “How can she possibly know what men are thinking?”. HEY, I KNOW PEOPLE! No really, I’ve dated enough, listened enough and researched enough to know what turns men off. You’ll learn pretty quick that it doesn’t take much. Oh Snap! So, me and my taliwackerless self put together a list of some things that probably make the penis limp.

Men’s Top Ten Turn-Offs

1) Stanky Wanky- Look, I’m putting this as #1 because I feel as if it’s the biggest turn-off for men. Men can’t seem to stomach a stanky wanky. If you are confused as to what a ‘wanky’ is, it’s THE vagina. Get it? Yes, a ‘wanky’ is a woman’s vagina. Please do not even think about stealing my word, I will ban you from the island. So, if your man refuses to lick your wanky, you might want to sniff things out. If he has to go ‘down’ with a clothes pin on his nose, please seek medical help. Sometimes women can’t help a stanky wanky. I’ve read several places that your diet has a lot to do with your wanky smell. “You are what you eat”. I had a friend tell me the other day that every time she eats onions…you guessed it, her wanky smelled like onions and indeed it was stanky, dinner anyone? I knew another woman that had a bad wanky reaction to tomatoes. Personal hygiene is so important. It’s one thing for the wanky to stanky because of issues you can’t help but if you are not washing your wanky…well, shame on you. Tip: It’s been said that Cranberry Juice helps eliminate the wanky odor. Another Tip: Never ask your man to go to Walgreens to buy you a douche.

2)Calorie Counter- Please tell me why women feel the need to count calories in front of men? Please tell me why women feel the need to order a salad every time they go out with a man? Hell, you’re human and human’s gotta eat. Men do not care how many calories are in the melba toast. They do not care if you think it’s going to go to your thighs. Don’t be a picky eater. Look, if a dude takes me out on a date..I’m going to eat my dinner, his dinner and then will probably swallow him whole. I’m just an oinker like that. I’ve never been afraid to eat in front of men. I mean hell, I’m a curvy woman…it’s obvious that I eat. Plus, I’m not going to pass up a pork chop. *smacks lips* What’s for dessert?

3)Ex-Rated- If you want to totally turn off a man, please talk about your exes. Men love it when you go on and on about your previous boyfriends….Not. Out of all the conversation topics in the world, why must we talk about the exes? I mean, hell, if they were so great and worthy to be brought up…why aren’t we still with them? Or, if they were so terrible to us, why are we still talking about them? I’ll admit it, I’ve talked about my exes a few times with my current boyfriend but usually I’m just telling a story. I don’t go on and on about it, or at least I don’t think I do. Do I? If you must tell stories about your exes, wait until the relationship is at the “taken” status. Once the two of you are “Boyfriend/Girlfriend or Man/Woman” and you feel comfortable enough to talk about past relationships, do it. Brining up exes in the beginning of a relationship is a double no no.

4)Make-Up Madness- I’m pretty sure that men are not attracted to Marilyn Mason. I’m not sure why b/c he’s just ’so’ hot. Men like make-up that is natural. Please, if you are wearing base..make sure it matches your skin color. Please don’t have the base line, you’ll only embarrrass yourself and me. If you like to wear gobs of make-up, please save it for when you go work the corner. Trust me, you’re customers are sure to love it but you’re love interest? Not so much. Tip- You may be exempt from this tip only if you are trying to cover up the uglies.

5)Spitters-Back in the old days the question was “Paper or Plastic?”….nowadays it’s “Spit or Swallow?”. Even if they don’t admit it, men are turned off by you spitters. Hey, I’m not pointing any fingers..I don’t much blame you for not wanting to swallow a wad of something that smells like clorox. Sometimes you got to take one for the team. How would you feel if he went down to your wanky and came up and started spitting your goo everywhere? “What… is my GOO not GOO-d enough for you?”. If you want to be a trooper and turn a man on, swallow your pride and swallow the goo. Tip: Just so you know, you can get STD’s from swallowin goo, so you might want to make sure that the goo is not infected before you do the deed.

6)Gold Diggers- “There’s gold in them thar hills”. I have never been a gold digger so I don’t have much experience in this area. All I can tell you is that men DO NOT like gold diggers. I don’t blame them. Who the hell wants to date a woman that is only after his money? Now, if you were after his taliwacker, it might be a different story. If you are a gold digger, you can at least be discrete about it. Don’t pull out your ‘want’ list on the first date. Tip: You should be passionate about a man for who is he and not the size of his penis wallet.

7)Bad Panty Picker- I am going to start a petition to ban granny panties forever. All grandmothers across the country will soon be sporting thongs or going commando. Do not wear granny panties unless you are a granny. Hell, I don’t even think that grannies like wearing granny panties, but it’s the only underwear that will hold their depends and hemroids. If you want to turn a man on, buy sexy thongs and underwear. If you are clueless as to what to buy, take him with you. He’ll love it.

8)Negative Nancy- Negative Nancy is where the word “bitch” derived from. The last thing a man wants is a negative, whiny, bitching girlfriend. If this were the case, they would have just married their mothers. You don’t want to be a constant Debbie Downer. Don’t blab on about how your too fat, how your hair is messed up, how he spends too much time with his friends, how it’s that time of the month, just shut up already. Please bitch to your girlfriends, that’s what they are there for. Men do not get bitching and will never be able to decode your bitchiness, so there’s no reason to even go there.

9) Insecure To The Max- I’ve dated insecure people and it’s hard work. You feel as if you constantly have to reassure them that they are a)good looking b) smart c) funny d) wanted e)sexy ..need I go on? Man, it’s a full-time job. It’s okay to have insecurities, we all have them but don’t let them consume you. Men like confident women, it’s a turn on. Even if you are insecure about who you are, just fake it. Don’t be one of those women who are extremely jealous and insecure, this will make a man run for the hills. Don’t be needy. Men like to know that they are needed but they don’t like knowing that your world revolves around them. They want to know that you can stand on your own two feet. Be confident in who you are!

10) Fantastic Faker- Ohhh oh! Oh yeah baby! Oh my God, Oh no no Ooh! Ladies and gentlemen, you have just witness “The Queen” faking her first blogasm. Yes, we all do it…we’ve all faked orgasms at least once in our life. I’m sure I’ve done it a few times myself, err..I mean, I’m a virgin. Why do we fake orgasms? Because a) the sex is bad b) we want to make the man feel good about himself c) sex for hours hurts and we want it to be over with d)he doesn’t know what he’s doing e) we’re tired and didn’t want sex to begin with f)we’re embarrassed that it takes so long to orgasm that we just fake it and get it over with. Faking an orgasm is a turn off. They might not know it in the beginning but pretty soon they’ll catch on. Men are not stupid, well..not all of them. You are the one missing out when you fake it. Take control over your own orgasms and don’t just leave it up to him for you to recieve pleasure. Don’t fake it, make it happen.

Class dismissed.

P.S.- Comments and opinions are appreciated!