While trying to snooze last night, my mind kept hovering over the sex topic. Not a bad subject,eh? Mmm,sex..nipples, vagina’s and blueberry muffins. I was thinking about men having sex vs. women having sex. I think men would be content with getting instant wood, sticking it in the muffin, baking it and rolling over for a nap. He aims, he shoots (literally), he scores, Game Over. wonk wonk wonk. (and the crowd goes wild) Now, take note that I am not putting all men into one category but I am only speaking from “my” majority. Why must sex be so mechanical? Mmm, for some reason it makes me want to do the robot. Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto I know, you’re getting wood just thinking about it. I’m just going to cut the crap and get to the point. Some women are easily won by looks, success, fame and/or fortune, me? Well, it doesn’t take much…just a little foreplay. Yes, I am easily pleased or is it easy to please, or pleased to be easy? Oh dammit, you get the point.
Most women do not like sex that is robotic, mechanical, mundane,…you know, same ole shit different day. We don’t like knowing that at 10:00 pm you are going to nudge us with your man parts, hover over us for ten minutes, huffing and panting and then ‘tada’..nap time. Where’s the creativity? Oh hell, I guess this could probably go out to women also. Look people, are you forgetting something? Oh yes, there it is, look in your back pocket…It’s called FOREPLAY. For the love of the muffins, what happened to Mr. Foreplay? Newsflash: You can just jump in a vagina without giving it special attention. You wouldn’t run in a marathon without practicing first? You wouldn’t work out without stretching first? You wouldn’t bake the turkey without preheating, right? You’ve got to preheat the vagina at 350.
If you want a woman to melt in your hands, you have got to give her some foreplay. Please, tease us. Take your time with us, we aren’t going anywhere. Instead of going straight to our muffin, why don’t you play with the blueberries first? Rub us here, a little there, oh don’t forget “that” spot and then slowly make your way down to Muffin Land, by the way, Do you know the muffin man? Well, you can me “King” of the muffins if you take your time with a woman and give her foreplay. Most women, including myself, feel denied if there is no foreplay. Some of us feel used and wonder why you don’t want to take the time to touch us and to make us feel good. Hell, most of us are more aggravated after sex than before because since our ‘needs’ weren’t attended to, we become extremely frustrated.
A man generally doesn’t understand a woman’s need to relax and get into sex slowly. Most men start out balls to the wall and ready to go, standing to attention. A lot of times, women can not enjoy sex unless they are really relaxed. Giving us foreplay and teasing us will give us all the time in the world to feel comfortable with you. We won’t feel pressured to “hurry up” and enjoy what we can before you blow your load. We want a man that is going to take his sweet time with us. We want men who aren’t just thinking about getting a nut and taking a nap. (nut, nap, next)
Here’s the problem: Men know that if they stroke it long enough, it will cum. “If you stroke it, it will cum”. On the other hand, women are completely different. Each woman and vagina is different. Some can orgasm with just a penis, some need clitoris stimulation, some need 10 minutes, some need 30, some need vibrators, some need George Clooney. Whatever it is that she needs, you’ve got to scope it out and figure out what works best for the both of you. Please don’t assume that just because your wing wong is in her ting tong that she is satisfied. We want you to touch us, caress us, love on us, kiss us, etc. Memo: Kissing during sex makes it a million times more enjoyable and intimate for us. Also, we hate feeling rushed to climax. If there is any sort of mental “hurry up and come” pressure on our vagina, we will never reach the big O.
I am amazed how most men forget about the little ole clitoris. What is so hard about just tapping it a few times? Correct me if I’m wrong but when a man does not take the time to touch a woman’s hoo ha, she takes it personally and thinks something is wrong with her and her vagina. I mean, it’s not like we are asking you to climb Mount Everest. I read somewhere that 98% of the orgasms women experience are from the result of stimulating the clitoris. Stimulated clitoris=Happy vagina=Happy woman=More nights out with the guys=Happy man. See how that works? Viola!
So, here’s the plan, men. If you are wanting to drive your woman wild and take her vagina down to China town, please her and please her good. The next time the two of you are about to bang, tease her. No, don’t tease her for a minute and then get it on…I mean, seriously, tease her. Caress her, run your fingers down her thighs, touch her female parts, and then start having sex with her. So, right before you hit the big O, pull out and go back to focusing on her. This way you don’t totally lose your erection pleasing her. Put it on your “To Do” list to make her O. So, tease her, stick it in, tease her some more, make her climax and then go in for the kill (your “O”). Capiche?
Look, I’m not a “Bitter Bitchy Betty”. I’m really not. I always try to see both sides of a relationship and then I form…”the opinion”. I’m not a man hater, a penis hater, a vagina hater…I just try to call it like I see it. With that being said, I had a friend come over today who is in the first stages of puppy love, what I refer to as ‘infatuation’. It’s extremely hard to be completely happy for someone when you see a huge tug boat carrying a red flag. (insert tug boat sound) I know I sometimes come across as a downer but while trying to have a smile on my face, reality has a way of being a buzz kill.