The Queen of Relationships

Dammit,   it’s raining outside. What a perfect world it would be if wind and rain drops were penis and scrotums.  “Oh look honey, it’s raining dicks and balls again”.  Warning: deep thought coming in 3…2…1… If a scrotum falls from the sky, does it bounce?

Speaking of scrotum, I’m always reading books, blogs or finding questions regarding ‘how to get the guy’.  I’m not just talking about the scrotum you just met at AA that you are really crushing on. Nope, I’m talking about anything and everything that is filed under the topic of “getting the scrotum guy”. Yeah, it could be a dude you just met at Starbucks, it could be a guy that you’ve been dating for months but feel as if he’s lost that loving feeling, it could be your ex-boyfriend that you want to stalk get back,   it could be a dude that you are currently ‘just dating’ who is also ‘just dating’ other women, etc.

So, what’s the magic formula…

Well, for three installments of $29.95, you can join the thousands of other women that have been initiated into the MMPPF!<——-(aka My Magic Potion Posse, Fool!)  I know this shit works  because  not only am I a part of the potion posse, but I’m also the potion president.  Okay, not really…well, sort of.

Here’s a quick news flash: there is no magic potion to get a guy but feel free to still send the dough, mamma needs her hair did.

The magic potion for getting the guy….

I wrote a post awhile back about “How To Get Your Ex Back”…I know what you’re thinking, why did I just waste your time with complete bullshit if there is potion? Well, I’ve got a little bit of magic (regarding getting the guy) but it’s nothing special…just my two cents. Two cents isn’t shit but if you know how to manage the two cents, you just might possibly be one, wealthy, mother fu-hush your mouth. What I am about to tell you, you already know and you probably do it all the time but doing it to the right person, at the right time, using the force (Luke)…just might get you the guy. Shut up and spit it out. Why, I think I will.

Okay, here it goes:

Ignore them.

Yep, that’s pretty much it. If you want to get the guy, there’s no reason to do flips in the air to get his attention, no need to spread your legs and put another pointless notch in your belt, no reason to sit by the phone waiting for him to call, no reason to text him 24/7 pushing him to think you are a psycho, needy nut-hole…yes, ignorance is bliss and you should blissfully ignore the dude. Don’t freak out just yet.

Ignore them.

Okay, maybe “ignoring” is a strong term. I’m not encouraging you to play hard to get, 100%. I’m just encouraging 20%. There is a fine line between playing hard to get and ignoring someone. Maybe the ‘ignore’ term is inappropriate but I do not like the catch phrase, “playing hard to get”. Men will tell you that if you play hard to get, they will soon lose interest and move onto the next floozy. This is true. This is about balance. It’s more less some sort of push and pull technique.

This is not implying that you string him along, stringing someone along implies that you aren’t really interested. If you are interested in someone and you want to keep him interested in you, there needs to be a bit of a challenge. Men love a challenge and honestly, if most don’t have to work for it…it’s easy for them to get bored. Hell, I get bored if catching a guy is too easy. I don’t like to be chased because it freaks me out. Of course, not all women are like this but I was born with an extra ball and a man nipple.

I don’t want to hear about how you don’t want to play games. This “is”dating, this is the ‘dating game’. There will always be some sort of mental battle going on in the midst of dating someone, it’s just how it is.

Here are some ways you can pleasantly ‘ignore’ the ones you are interested in, trying to get back or trying to get to commit. Read the rest of this entry »

Uuurg, me man..me hungry….me hunt food and woman…me want vagina, me want easy vagina….so easy a caveman could do it.

Easy + Woman = Booty Buddy                                                     Selective + Woman = Possible Commitment

I’ve been mentally far, far away on a small island with just my own delusions and my handy dandy notebook, spending hours and hours trying to figure out Blues Clues. This statement probably makes no sense to you but for me, it doesn’t make much sense either and I have no choice but to blame it on the xanex that raped my senses and my ability to complete a , wait…um…good times. Okay class, since your teacher is under the influence, today I challenge you to read between the lines and look for hidden meanings and unwritten rules. I hope everyone brought their decoder ring, for those of you that are without, one word- Cracker Jacks.

If you look at the formulas above, you probably have an idea where I am going with this. Please cherish these formulas because not only will they bring you closer to understanding the creatures that have the dangle piece but also because it took me years to actually piece these together. Oh yes, years of trial and error. Moving on.

Man goes into market, buys meat, goes home, cooks it, enjoys it=instant gratification

Man goes into woods, spends hours searching for the beast, doesn’t see it, goes home, gets up the next day-does it again, and the next day, the next day, the next day-pretty soon he is committed to finding that one special beast. “I’ll climb the highest mountain until I find it”. Months pass and even though he feels defeated, he pushes forward. He knows that he is fighting for ‘the prize’, the ‘accomplishment’, and even though instant gratification is enjoyable…nothing compares to finding “the one” …the one that all the hunters have been searching for, hunting for, craving for.

So you can hunt…or be hunted. Read the rest of this entry »

So, is your man always beating down the bedroom door trying to get in to your dildo box? Is he coming home from work like a mad stallion ready to pounce the second he walks in the door? Is your man chasing you around the house with a raging hard on? Don’t you worry your pretty face, there are several things you can do to make his willy go wonk, wonk, wonk. If you are tired of saying, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” or “I think I need to wash my hair” or “I’m just too tired” or “It’s that time of the month”, get on board and start utilizing these steps to make his Willy Wonka sad. Now, I can not be held responsible for the outcome, which will be…viola…no sex. There will be no bitching nor whining after you have done the limp willy deed. Please proceed with caution and please remember, willy’s have feelings to.

Make Pee Pee/Poo Poo:When your man comes home from work, you must make sure he catches you in rare form. “Honey, where are you?”…”I’m in here, dear”. Let him follow your voice all the way to the bathroom, where you will be squatting down on the toilet making a fabulous shadoobie. Or, you could be peeing…better yet, be peeing standing up- this will really freak him out. Men do not want to know that we have bodily functions. They would rather believe that the things just magically disappear. So, letting your man in on your little (or big) shadoobie secret is enough to make willy wonka go wonka wonk.

Past Sexual Relationships: The next time you have one of your “headaches”, go ahead and proceed with the booty making. Now, you must wait for the right moment for this one. Allow him to give oral sex and right in the middle of it, you need to say, “Wow, that was amazing…you did it just as good as Jeremy, if not better”. You must be prepared for a wild, psychotic response. This should do the trick though. Don”t be surprised if you never get sex again, isn’t that what you were going for anyway? Score! So, comparing your man’s sexual performance to others is a quick and easy way to make Mr. Happy not in the mood.

Faking It:I shouldn’t even write about this one because you are probably already doing it. This one requires a little bit of pizazz and Drama 101. Yes, we are talking about faking an orgasm. Now, I’m not talking about the believable fake orgasm. I am talking about the “She’s totally faking it” orgasm. It’s surpasses “When Harry Met Sally”. You will need to scream at the top of your lungs, pull your own hair out, possibly start snorting, twitch, foam at the mouth…you know, the usual. He will be so turned off by your poor attempt (great attempt, in my opinion) at an orgasm that he’d probably rather just masturbate from here on out. Yeehaw! So, faking a obvious, dramatic, psychotic orgasm…ending it with a generic “That was great” (kind of like MORE OVALTINE PLEASE)will make his taliwaker want to run and hide.

Vaginal Flatulence:This is the perfect way to scare the hell out of your man. We all know what vaginal flatulence is, also known as “Queef”. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s just how it is sometimes but if you all of a sudden got a really bad queefing problem, you’re man is more likely to read the newspaper than fill you up. I am not the one to teach “Queefing 101″ but there are many tutorials on the Internet that teach you how to do this on command. It’s a good idea to bump nasties a few times and let a few slip, “Oops, sorry honey” and then work your way up to a “Queef Off”. Look, we need to hurry this one up…I’m getting embarrassed hanging around in this tip. So, letting your man think you have croaking frogs in your vagina will most likely have his ding dong running for the hills.

Bossy Bitch Sex:The last thing your man wants is for you to be “Miss Know-It-All” in the bedroom. What you are going to do is be ‘the guide’ in the bedroom. Next time ya’ll are in the sac, you call all the shots. You will act like you are orchestrating the entire butt session. “Okay, not it’s time for some foreplay”, “I need you to go down slowly on me and then come back up and say Poppernickle” “You’re going to slow” “You’re going to fast” “What do you think you’re doing” “Pull my hair” “Slap my ass” “You’re pulling too hard” “You’re not pulling hard enough” “Who taught you how to ***?” MOVE IT SOLDIER! Okay, maybe the soldier part was a little bit over the top. Now, you will end this Bossy Bitch Sex with “Is it in yet?”. So, being a bossy bitch will put you on the top of his “Not To Do List” in a hurry.

The Corpse: If you haven’t scared him off by now, (what a trooper) this one will not only scare him off but bore him to death. Yes, it involves having sex again but simmer down, we’re almost done. This one is easy as pie. Now, when ya’ll are in the bed together and he starts to feel you up, touching you, caressing you…just lay there. When it starts sticking his tongue in your hoo ha, just lay there. When he mounts you and starts panting, just lay there. If you want to look at your watch a few times, this works also. After you have used so much sexual energy to just…well, lay there…and while he is still panting heavy bust out with a snore. So, playing the dead corpse will definitely put a damper on his idea of sex, again, he would probably just rather masturbate so willy will be happy.

Poor Hygiene:This step/tip does not involve intercourse because by the time he smells your funky ass, he’ll have hauled ass. This one takes a few weeks to work on though but is a win/win. Stop shaving your legs, under your arms and don’t shave your dildo box. You want to make sure you have the wildest Afro on the block. Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with a Macy Gray Afro but the armpit and leg Afro will freak him out. Also, we are going to go against our dentist’s recommendations and skip on the whole brushing our teeth thing. The one thing that will scare a man off though is a stinky tinky winky. Look, I don’t know how to make that happen and I really don’t think I want to talk about it, you can figure that one out on your own. So, looking sloppy, being messy, smelling god awful, being bushy and having an armpit Afro….his Johnson will have no choice but to go to the dark side.

Say His Name:You’re probably wondering what saying his name is going to do. I didn’t say WHOSE name! This one will will be the big finale. The two of you are getting at it, it’s wild, it’s hot..It’s GIRLS GONE WILD (oops, wrong post) it’s passionate, it’s dramatic, it’s _______ and _______. Wait until he starts huffing and puffing, go in for the fake orgasm, be dramatic, start screaming “Oh yes Oh yes…OMG JEREMY Don’t STOP, Jeremy Don’t Stop” (his name is Bob) I am willing to bet my left nipple that he never wants to have sex with you again. This is a victory, my friend. Not only will you be booty less, you will also be manless. Congratulations!

Warning: This post is for entertainment purposes only. If you really want to dodge having sex with your man THAT bad, then maybe you should find a new man. If you really feel the need to complete any one of these steps, please run to your nearest mental institute, I’ll be waiting for you!

Articles:

10 Things That Turn Off Men
His Biggest Turn-Offs

Getting rid of a guy is fairly easy. Most of the time you can just say, “I’m not into you”, or “It’s not you, it’s me”. Sometimes they just don’t get it or maybe you don’t have the courage to face him. It takes a real woman to tell a man  that she doesn’t want to be with him anymore. It’s much easier to go the passive-aggressive route, right? So, if you lack the balls (which I hope you do), you should follow my advice. If you are wanting to come across as an extreme psycho, please follow and use every single one of these steps. Are you excited? You are on your way to becoming a crazy, loony, nutty, wacky, demented and delusional psycho. You go, girl!

*Warning: This post is for entertainment purposes only. If you try to act out any of these tips, please go to your nearest mental hospital*

Day 1:
Call Him As Much As Possible:

Guys love to talk on the phone, right? Um wrong. The last thing a guy wants to do is sit on the phone for hours holding a intellectual conversation with you. Of course, some don’t mind this but they are few and far between. Today you will begin your phone marathon. Be sure to get your fingers ready or better yet, just put him on speed dial. Start calling him the moment you wake up. If he answers, just hold a short conversation with him and let him go. Call back immediately and ask him what he is doing. Eventually, he will start avoiding your calls because you are annoying the hell out of him. You are doing great! Now, it should be going to his voice mail. Leave as many messages as possible.

Examples:

“Hey, just calling to see what you were doing”
“I miss you, baby”
“It’s me again, are you there?”
“Why aren’t you answering the phone?”
“Why aren’t you calling me back?”
“Hey baby, just seeing what you were doing”

Be sure to leave so many messages until his voice mail is full. This will allow others not to be able to get in touch with him or leave him a message and this will irritate the hell out of him. This is something you need to do everyday until the day he dumps you. If you slack at all you might lose the chance of..well, losing him.

Day 2:
Always Question Him:

Before you begin your ‘question’ journey, you must be prepared. Get out a pen and some paper and come up with every aggravating question known to man. Look, you have to be as insecure as possible. If calling him nonstop isn’t enough, you must kick it up a notch. Start questioning him about anything and everything. If he didn’t call you at 12:00 pm like he said he would, question him. If you haven’t seen him since ten minutes ago, ask him where he’s been. If you seem him talking to a girl, ask him, “Who the hell is that bitch?”. Be sure to ask if him if he likes you at least five times a day. If he tries to tell you that he does, tell him that you don’t believe him. Ask him why the two of you don’t have sex more and accuse him of cheating. Ask him if you are pretty and if he tells you that you are say, “Are you sure?”. Ask him to validate the relationship and tell him that you need to know where the two of you stand. Do this at least once a day. Once you have reached the bottom of your ‘question’ list, go back to the top and repeat.

Day 3:
Talk About Your Exes As Much As Possible:

This is a good one. This will literally make him want to pull his hair out. Hey, bald men are hot, right? You need to make sure that you talk about your exes as much as possible. It is extremely important that you compare him to every single boyfriend you have ever had.  Be sure to tell him that all of your boyfriends were psycho and crazy and you were the only one that was sane. Explain to him that even though they were crazy, they still did things that you enjoyed that your boyfriend doesn’t do. Tell him he doesn’t send you flowers like “Bob” did. Tell him that he doesn’t call you all the time like “Danny” did. Next, tell him you wish he were as good in bed as “Tom” was. It’s a must that you tell him that you are still friends with all of your exes and you talk to them on a daily basis and sometimes go out for coffee.

Day 4:
Talk Like A Baby:

It’s probably a good idea to start doing this before day one. You will want to make sure that you talk in a extremely high pitch voice. You also need to make sure it’s whiny as hell. Be sure to whine and drag out the word “baby” every time you say it. You must say “baby” before and after every sentence. You don’t have to talk like like this all the time, just when you are whining but be sure to whine a lot. Besides tone, you also need to talk to him in baby gibberish. Talk to him like as if you were both two years old. This will drive him wild and not in a good way. Try to say, “Does my itty bitty baby want to cuddle uddle wuddle?”. Or say, “Who’s a big boy, you are!” You must make sure that you do all of this in your whiny, high pitch voice..if not, he will not get the full effect. Read the rest of this entry »