So, is your man always beating down the bedroom door trying to get in to your dildo box? Is he coming home from work like a mad stallion ready to pounce the second he walks in the door? Is your man chasing you around the house with a raging hard on? Don’t you worry your pretty face, there are several things you can do to make his willy go wonk, wonk, wonk. If you are tired of saying, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” or “I think I need to wash my hair” or “I’m just too tired” or “It’s that time of the month”, get on board and start utilizing these steps to make his Willy Wonka sad. Now, I can not be held responsible for the outcome, which will be…viola…no sex. There will be no bitching nor whining after you have done the limp willy deed. Please proceed with caution and please remember, willy’s have feelings to.
Make Pee Pee/Poo Poo:When your man comes home from work, you must make sure he catches you in rare form. “Honey, where are you?”…”I’m in here, dear”. Let him follow your voice all the way to the bathroom, where you will be squatting down on the toilet making a fabulous shadoobie. Or, you could be peeing…better yet, be peeing standing up- this will really freak him out. Men do not want to know that we have bodily functions. They would rather believe that the things just magically disappear. So, letting your man in on your little (or big) shadoobie secret is enough to make willy wonka go wonka wonk.
Past Sexual Relationships: The next time you have one of your “headaches”, go ahead and proceed with the booty making. Now, you must wait for the right moment for this one. Allow him to give oral sex and right in the middle of it, you need to say, “Wow, that was amazing…you did it just as good as Jeremy, if not better”. You must be prepared for a wild, psychotic response. This should do the trick though. Don”t be surprised if you never get sex again, isn’t that what you were going for anyway? Score! So, comparing your man’s sexual performance to others is a quick and easy way to make Mr. Happy not in the mood.
Faking It:I shouldn’t even write about this one because you are probably already doing it. This one requires a little bit of pizazz and Drama 101. Yes, we are talking about faking an orgasm. Now, I’m not talking about the believable fake orgasm. I am talking about the “She’s totally faking it” orgasm. It’s surpasses “When Harry Met Sally”. You will need to scream at the top of your lungs, pull your own hair out, possibly start snorting, twitch, foam at the mouth…you know, the usual. He will be so turned off by your poor attempt (great attempt, in my opinion) at an orgasm that he’d probably rather just masturbate from here on out. Yeehaw! So, faking a obvious, dramatic, psychotic orgasm…ending it with a generic “That was great” (kind of like MORE OVALTINE PLEASE)will make his taliwaker want to run and hide.
Vaginal Flatulence:This is the perfect way to scare the hell out of your man. We all know what vaginal flatulence is, also known as “Queef”. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s just how it is sometimes but if you all of a sudden got a really bad queefing problem, you’re man is more likely to read the newspaper than fill you up. I am not the one to teach “Queefing 101″ but there are many tutorials on the Internet that teach you how to do this on command. It’s a good idea to bump nasties a few times and let a few slip, “Oops, sorry honey” and then work your way up to a “Queef Off”. Look, we need to hurry this one up…I’m getting embarrassed hanging around in this tip. So, letting your man think you have croaking frogs in your vagina will most likely have his ding dong running for the hills.
Bossy Bitch Sex:The last thing your man wants is for you to be “Miss Know-It-All” in the bedroom. What you are going to do is be ‘the guide’ in the bedroom. Next time ya’ll are in the sac, you call all the shots. You will act like you are orchestrating the entire butt session. “Okay, not it’s time for some foreplay”, “I need you to go down slowly on me and then come back up and say Poppernickle” “You’re going to slow” “You’re going to fast” “What do you think you’re doing” “Pull my hair” “Slap my ass” “You’re pulling too hard” “You’re not pulling hard enough” “Who taught you how to ***?” MOVE IT SOLDIER! Okay, maybe the soldier part was a little bit over the top. Now, you will end this Bossy Bitch Sex with “Is it in yet?”. So, being a bossy bitch will put you on the top of his “Not To Do List” in a hurry.
The Corpse: If you haven’t scared him off by now, (what a trooper) this one will not only scare him off but bore him to death. Yes, it involves having sex again but simmer down, we’re almost done. This one is easy as pie. Now, when ya’ll are in the bed together and he starts to feel you up, touching you, caressing you…just lay there. When it starts sticking his tongue in your hoo ha, just lay there. When he mounts you and starts panting, just lay there. If you want to look at your watch a few times, this works also. After you have used so much sexual energy to just…well, lay there…and while he is still panting heavy bust out with a snore. So, playing the dead corpse will definitely put a damper on his idea of sex, again, he would probably just rather masturbate so willy will be happy.
Poor Hygiene:This step/tip does not involve intercourse because by the time he smells your funky ass, he’ll have hauled ass. This one takes a few weeks to work on though but is a win/win. Stop shaving your legs, under your arms and don’t shave your dildo box. You want to make sure you have the wildest Afro on the block. Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with a Macy Gray Afro but the armpit and leg Afro will freak him out. Also, we are going to go against our dentist’s recommendations and skip on the whole brushing our teeth thing. The one thing that will scare a man off though is a stinky tinky winky. Look, I don’t know how to make that happen and I really don’t think I want to talk about it, you can figure that one out on your own. So, looking sloppy, being messy, smelling god awful, being bushy and having an armpit Afro….his Johnson will have no choice but to go to the dark side.
Say His Name:You’re probably wondering what saying his name is going to do. I didn’t say WHOSE name! This one will will be the big finale. The two of you are getting at it, it’s wild, it’s hot..It’s GIRLS GONE WILD (oops, wrong post) it’s passionate, it’s dramatic, it’s _______ and _______. Wait until he starts huffing and puffing, go in for the fake orgasm, be dramatic, start screaming “Oh yes Oh yes…OMG JEREMY Don’t STOP, Jeremy Don’t Stop” (his name is Bob) I am willing to bet my left nipple that he never wants to have sex with you again. This is a victory, my friend. Not only will you be booty less, you will also be manless. Congratulations!
Warning: This post is for entertainment purposes only. If you really want to dodge having sex with your man THAT bad, then maybe you should find a new man. If you really feel the need to complete any one of these steps, please run to your nearest mental institute, I’ll be waiting for you! 
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