The Queen of Relationships

Uuurg, me man..me hungry….me hunt food and woman…me want vagina, me want easy vagina….so easy a caveman could do it.

Easy + Woman = Booty Buddy                                                     Selective + Woman = Possible Commitment

I’ve been mentally far, far away on a small island with just my own delusions and my handy dandy notebook, spending hours and hours trying to figure out Blues Clues. This statement probably makes no sense to you but for me, it doesn’t make much sense either and I have no choice but to blame it on the xanex that raped my senses and my ability to complete a , wait…um…good times. Okay class, since your teacher is under the influence, today I challenge you to read between the lines and look for hidden meanings and unwritten rules. I hope everyone brought their decoder ring, for those of you that are without, one word- Cracker Jacks.

If you look at the formulas above, you probably have an idea where I am going with this. Please cherish these formulas because not only will they bring you closer to understanding the creatures that have the dangle piece but also because it took me years to actually piece these together. Oh yes, years of trial and error. Moving on.

Man goes into market, buys meat, goes home, cooks it, enjoys it=instant gratification

Man goes into woods, spends hours searching for the beast, doesn’t see it, goes home, gets up the next day-does it again, and the next day, the next day, the next day-pretty soon he is committed to finding that one special beast. “I’ll climb the highest mountain until I find it”. Months pass and even though he feels defeated, he pushes forward. He knows that he is fighting for ‘the prize’, the ‘accomplishment’, and even though instant gratification is enjoyable…nothing compares to finding “the one” …the one that all the hunters have been searching for, hunting for, craving for.

So you can hunt…or be hunted. Read the rest of this entry »

Look, I’m not a “Bitter Bitchy Betty”. I’m really not. I always try to see both sides of a relationship and then I form…”the opinion”. I’m not a man hater, a penis hater, a vagina hater…I just try to call it like I see it. With that being said, I had a friend come over today who is in the first stages of puppy love, what I refer to as ‘infatuation’. It’s extremely hard to be completely happy for someone when you see a huge tug boat carrying a red flag. (insert tug boat sound) I know I sometimes come across as a downer but while trying to have a smile on my face, reality has a way of being a buzz kill.

My friend floated into my house on tiny, red hearts and you could see the spark in her eye, being lit by someone she was totally into. After she left, I discussed what I was picking up on about the relationship and I could see it on my sister’s face. Not only was reality a buzz kill, but I was obviously being one myself. I know, I should just go with the flow and let nature take it’s course and I try to refrain from ever saying anything because I do not want to jinx the relationship, nor do I want to upset the person or have them obsess over my own thoughts rather than their own.

So, here’s the juice: My friend got back in touch with a guy she knew years ago. They have been catching up on old times, so to speak. Yes, they might have frolicked in the hay a few times, which I applaud. Hey, at least someone is getting laid. Now, in my opinion, the word ‘relationship’ should not be spoken until a decent amount of time of knowing someone. The topic, being premature, could be a total FAIL. But, it happened in this situation for some reason or another and this is how the conversation went (as I remember her telling it). He says he just got out of a retarded (I added that word) relationship with a girl and he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Now, naturally…women want to be sympathetic to this sort of statement. “Poor baby was wounded, I’ll nurse him back to health and then he’ll be better enough for a relationship with me”. We all do it, I’ve done it. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh me, I remember my “Want” list years ago, well… 2 and a half years ago to be exact. What  happened 2 1/2 years ago? I popped out a baby. Yes, I know…it was quite an experience…stretch marks, constipation, epidural, blood, amniotic sac, FETUS… wait, where was I? Oh yes, my want list: I think it looked a little something like this:

1)Must Love Dogs
2)No Kids
3)Must Love Chicken
4)No Kids
5)Must Love Vibrators
6)No Kids

You get the point, right? Married men and men with children were 100% forbidden, well for me anyways. Silly,uh? What was my reasoning? I didn’t want something who had already..well, been “had”. I didn’t want a ready made family. I didn’t want someone to have to call me “Miss Lindsay”. I didn’t want to deal with a crazy ex-wife. I didn’t want to write out a check for $1000 a month for child support. I didn’t want a constant reminder that my man and some other woman f*cked. I mean, to me, kids were just little f*cking reminders. I know, I should be ashamed of myself but I’m not. I mean, come on, can you blame me? I was a single, independent woman who had no clue about children. They scared me. I would be lying if I said they still don’t scare me a little, just a bit. Anyway, all I know is that one day I woke up and every man on the planet (it seemed) had children. I searched high and low for a man that hadn’t populated. You see, I had this cool idea of never getting married or ever having kids. I was going to be the small town “Angelina Jolie” and adopt Asian babies and wear cool sunglasses. Then, I stumbled on a dude that had no kids, no ex wife and yeehaw, there was gold in them thar hills. Needless to say, we saw, we came and then we conquered and by the time it was all over I was Miss Mommy Lindsay.

So, it was a surprise and a beautiful one at that. Dammit, if I knew this mother thing was going to be so cool..I would have started having babies years ago. Ok, not really. Somehow I managed to go from Miss Lindsay to Mommy Lindsay to Single Mommy Lindsay. Funny how that kind of works out. For awhile, I never thought about dating but as months passed I started to wonder what kind of man would want to date a woman who had a little baby? Warning: Here comes random thought: It’s amazing how selective we get once we have children.I stayed single for almost a year or more because I became incredibly picky and choosy. No, I wasn’t looking for a father for my son, he already had one but I was looking for someone that would be a positive influence. Damn, slim pickings. I actually told myself that I would probably never find a compatible partner that would accept me plus my cute little baggage. I prepared myself to be single and decided that I would rather be single than be with someone who didn’t accept my little one. Eventually, I started dating a dude. I find it somewhat comical that he (like all the others I’ve dated) had no children. Am I wrong for thinking “YES!”? Am I wrong for thinking that one kid is all I can handle at the moment?

*Sigh* How do I always manage to crap up my post with complete bullshit before I even get to the damn point? So, this is really my first relationship since the wonk wonk wonk ex. It’s extremely new for me to be dating someone other than my son’s father. I can only imagine how new it is for the dude because he’s never dated anyone with children. Is it okay to say it’s the blind leading the blind? Anywho, moving on to bigger and better balls..err, I mean things. I wanted, for my own therapeutic selfish reasons, to post about issues and tips concerning dating with children.

1. Scare Tactics: The quickest way to scare the hell out of someone on a first date is to focus 101% on your children. I know, you’re a proud parent but for some reason, it can easily freak the other person out. Pulling out pictures and talking about how Bobby’s balls just dropped isn’t something someone really wants to hear about in the beginning. I think it’s important to mention that you have children and tis okay to tell the ages/sex/etc but leave it at that. It’s okay to focus on yourself or someone else for five minutes, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Slowly progress into doting on your children. Of course, if the person you are going out with has children also- this whole tip might as well go down the drain.  Read the rest of this entry »

My lovely people, G’day! Yes, I do apologize..I have been hiding under a small rock. If you can just imagine two big booty cheeks with a rock in the middle, that’s me. I wish I could say that I’ve been vacationing at the Virgin Islands taking away virginity left and right but that isn’t the case. The only excuse that I have is that I have been designing some sort of plan for world peace? Does that work? I’ve been extremely busy and the one thing I love to do jumped on the back burner. Ok, enough with my excuses…this is a long one, you might wanna grab a beer and some nuts…roll that beautiful bean footage!

So, most of you that know me and those of you that don’t either know or don’t know that I have been dating a guy man for the past err, eight months. Holy Moly, that screams commitment. Hold me, I’m scared. I’ve had a few,little,minor major breaking points in the past week due to, what I would call, emotional neglect, not enough sleep, too many supplements, PMS and a partridge in a pear tree. With that being said, I would like to say that there is a difference between someone who neglects on purpose and someone who doesn’ t know they are neglecting. No woman wants to say “Hey there buddy, you are neglecting my feelings, my needs and my vagina”. We would rather give subtle hints and let you figure it out for yourself. We should know by now ( I should know by now) that you men do not know the term subtle. All you know is the term ’blunt’ and I’m not talking about reefer. (Just Say No!)

So, yes, the man and I got into a little cat fight debate. These seldom happen and when they do, it’s not the kind of situation where someone wants to be the winner. Also, I am almost 100%  positive that he thinks I am a loon with psychotic tendencies. I have to admit that I surprised myself. I am not someone that flies off of the handle when the shit has hit the fan. I am not someone who cries at the drop of the hat. I was at the end of my rope, feeling drained, empty and broke.  This is all because he never showed his feelings. He never complimented me, wasn’t very affectionate, didn’t think about sex and sometimes didn’t really converse with me. Some people mentioned that this could be toxic and some form of emotional abuse. I didn’t think that he would do anything on purpose to hurt me, it did feel toxic and it did feel like neglect. I eventually found out that this is his first serious relationship ever. I am cutting him some extreme slack. He didn’t know any better. I told him that I was in good shape before I met him. I was confident, had great self-esteem, was sure of myself..and all of that jazz. Now, I’m not. My confidence is somewhat shaky, I questioned my appearance now, I’m not sure if I have any good jokes left and sometimes my booty jiggles. Why has this happened? I told him I need validation, women need validation. And this is where it baffled me. He said:

“Why do you need me to validate who you are and how you feel about yourself?”
Say what?
Oh, for a second there I thought you said “Waka Waka Waka”

The question stumped me. I looked as if he just had just given me the magic formula to Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Jawbreakers. I was confused and usually “Oh little one with good comebacks” was speechless. I understood the question, I understood what he was saying…it was formulating feelings in my gut that was the problem. I could feel why I needed validation but I couldn’t say it. Why did I need him to feel pretty? Why did I need him to feel accepted? Why was I so confident before and not so much now? Why did I need sex from him? Oh, that one’s easy..I was horny. Why did I need him to hold me, touch me, caress me, fondle me? I love the word fondle. The combination of it all is summed up in one word…validation.

Look, I don’t know why we need validation. I could go without it if I didn’t need it so much, um, that made no sense. So, listen to this: Are you ready? Can someone please give me a drum roll?

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us– in other words, that THEY matter to us. By “mirroring” some one’s feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us. Read the rest of this entry »

You know, I remember my younger years sitting in front of the tube obsessing over Cinderella and her Prince Charming, singing alot to “Someday My Prince Will Come”. I hummed that tune through out most of my dating years. I would seemingly settle for “Mr. In The  Mean Time” AKA “Mr. Right Now” because I had this feeling that Mr. Right was just around the corner. Or should I say, “Mr. Perfect”? It’s been beat and bruised into our subconscious that there is someone perfect out there for us. We are told to never settle for less. We march through our single lives chanting “Do not settle” and “Someday My Prince Will Come” and before you know it, we’re thirty something years old still waiting for him to come skipping around the corner. Well, if we keep waiting he won’t be skipping, Bertha will be pushing him around the corner in a wheel chair. Funny but true.

Most women make their  “To Love List”, you know, the list where they chart what they do and do not want in a partner. We tape it to the bathroom mirror, humming that tune and we sit and wait, and wait, and wait and so on. We sit and wait for that one special person to give us butterflies, that extreme chemistry reaction. When we don’t feel the attraction immediatly we scratch their names off of the list and move on to the next. When he doesn’t wear the name brand shoes we like, we scratch his name off of the list and move on to the next. When he doesn’t have the kind of job we like, we scra-…well, you get my point.

We are all waiting for that perfect day, where the sun is just right, the birds are chirping, there’s a slight breeze and oh, what’s that? Oh my, is that a white horse? Could it be? No, it’s really not…there is no such thing as Prince Charming. Well, at least not in the beginning. I find it possible to find a Prince Charming but that is only after you and him have been together for a bit, know each other, respect one another, compromise, communicate, and love one another. Damn, that’s a lot of work. Hey, love isn’t easy.

My point is, you could be passing up the person of your dreams because you are waiting for, well, the person of your dreams. So what if he comes packaged a little differently? I am not telling you to lower your standards but if you are searching for “Mr. Perfect” you are probably going to be “Ms. Single” for the rest of your life. I’m not really implying that you settle, “settle” is a broad term and has different meanings for different folks. “My” settling would be marrying a man that does drugs, abuses me and cheats on me. THAT is settling to me. Other women’s definition of settling is “If he doesn’t wear a Rolex, drive a beamer, have a six figure income…I’m not interested”.  If that’s the case, sometimes it’s really okay to settle.

Women need to learn to broaden their horizons. Dare to date different. Go out with someone you wouldn’t normally date, give a brother a chance. You might actually be surprised. Don’t think of it as lowering your standards, think of it as a new opportunity to meet more men. Hey, if you scratch off a few “don’t wants” and add them to your “wants” you might be that much closer to finding “Prince Charming” or well, at least his brother.

You’re probably wondering why a chic is telling you how to ‘get a guy’. Of course, I’m not a dude. Although, there have been many times I’ve dreamed of having a penis but that’s besides the point. It’s all about trial and error, baby. I’ve dated enough guys to know what they like and what they don’t like. These are just a few things that I’ve read about and experienced myself. I’m not saying that I follow all of these because you know, I am a woman. Sometimes we can’t help the things we do,  so just take my advice when I say, “Do as I say, not as I do”.  

The First Date: Well, it’s gotta start somewhere, right? A relationship usually starts to bud and blossom from the first date. Most people can tell if they want to continue dating someone during or after the first date. If you are really crushing on someone, you had better make a good impression. Here are a few things you think about before you go on your first date:


A. Be on time: Please do not make your date wait for an hour while you finish getting ready. This is just rude. Guys hate this. I don’t like it either. When people are always late it makes me feel as if they don’t think my time is important or that they don’t respect it. Being fashionably late is so overrated.

B. Dress Accordingly: It’s a good idea to ask what the plans are for the night/day. The last thing you want to do is wear a ball gown to a football game. You don’t want to be too dolled up while he is just casually dressed. 

C. Please Eat: I don’t know why girls feel the need to ‘pick’ at their food when they go out on dates. You should come out with me on the date. I eat my food, my date’s food and then I eat my date. No joke. Please do not get a salad and push lettuce around with your fork. For Gods sake, eat. It’s natural. Of course, I’m not telling you to stuff your face to the point where you get bloated and feel like a pot belly pig. It’s all about moderation, baby.

D. No Kissy Kissy: I know, call me old fashioned but you probably shouldn’t kiss on the first date. Don’t you want to leave him hanging? Don’t you want to give him something to think about? I think it will only make you even more interesting. Just give him a good ole bear hug and call it a night.

E.Don’t Be So Available: So, you’ve had a few dates and it’s moving in ‘that’ direction. You like him. I know, I know we shouldn’t play games but it’s just the way it goes. Try not to make yourself too available. Believe me, guys love a challenge. People always want something they think they can’t have. You don’t want to come across as too eager by jumping every chance to hang out with him. Take your time, take it slow and take time to spend with your friends. He’ll be there when you get back. Just use the force.

F.Don’t Be A Ding Bat: I’m sorry people but Paris Hilton? So, not cool. The only reason guys ever end up with ding bats is because they are hot and have rocking bodies. What guy wants to date someone who acts dingy? Some people are naturally dingy and I am assuming this is okay. I am basically talking about girls that “play” the ding bat. It’s so not attractive. I would like to think men want a woman who is intelligent and who isn’t afraid to show it.

G.Doing The Dirty: Listen, if you are looking for a husband..you need to keep your legs closed. I know, I know you’re horny but hold off. If you sleep with someone too soon, not only will they lose interest but they will assume that you have slept with everyone else “too” soon. You don’t want to look like a hooker. It’s okay to be sexual and to want sex, you just have to time it right. Most guys that hook-up with women too soon usually right her off as just another notch in their belt. You don’t want to be that notch.Mmmk?

H.Unleashing The Freak: If you are a freak, then you go girl but listen up. Do not let your guy know you are a freak early in the relationship. You must try to hold back. I know, it’s hard. Guys would love to think that he was your first and there were no others before him. Of course, this isn’t realistic. If you unleash the freak too soon, this tells the guy that you have had ‘loads’ of experience. Let him take the lead when you start to head down the freak road. Let him think that he is the one that made you freaky. He doesn’t need to know about Tom, “Dick”, or Harry.

I.No Mention Of Sexual Past: Do you really want to hear about all the girls that he banged? No, you don’t and neither does he. There’s really no reason to talk about your sexual past with a guy you are dating. Eventually, the question will come up about how many people you have slept with. If it’s more than seven, just lie. Am I wrong for telling you to lie? No because he shouldn’t be asking you that question in the first place. What happened in the past is the past there’s no reason to go back. Do you really think he wants to picture the number of people that were ‘there’ before him? Um, no. If you don’t want to lie about it tell him, “Enough to know what I’m doing”. Read the rest of this entry »