The Queen of Relationships

You are in a relationship that is fulfilling  and you feel as if the two of you are perfect for one another, you get along great, you do all sorts of things together, you respect one another, you are somewhat compatible, you make one another happy BUT ….HUGE BUT…you do not have sex: This IS not a romantic relationship THIS IS a FRIENDSHIP!!

Women can only go so long without sex until they start to see their mate as a good guy friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? If you are not bumping nasties with me on a routine basis, you are not going WITH me to a deeper level therefore you will slowly get pushed into the friend zone. Yes, we all need friends  but some of us are looking for someone to take the majority of our heart. There’s three parts to the heart IMO:

Section 1: Family
Section 2: Friends
Section 3: Children in Ethiopia
Section 4: Fuzzy Feelings.

Now, the fuzzy feelings take up the majority of the heart and is reserved for that one special person. This part of the heart is where all the romantic mushiness resides. It’s where love blossoms and it’s where the deep connection blooms. Now, let me explain to you how a ‘deep connection’ is stimulated in a woman. You’re probably thinking that “Section 4″ of the heart can be bought, you are mistaken- my friend. No diamonds, dildos or donuts will do. Disclaimer: The auther of this post is speaking from her own Section 4, not women of America’s Section 4 You want to know how women get and keep that deep, soulful connection? Sex. Yes, sex. Now, how hard is that? Obviously not hard enough.

Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying and get the idea that I am simply saying sex is all we need. We need all that other bullshit like validation, appreciation, understanding, and SEX. You see? I have loads of friends and it’s understood that our friends validate us and appreciate us but we don’t bang our friends. Oh wait, some of us do but then we skate over to the “Friends With Benefits” zone and that’s another post in itself. So, in order for us to differentiate the difference between you and our good friend Bob, you must inject the penis. Disclaimer: These are only the psychotic, demented views of the author Yes, we know that you guys bond by doing stuff with us and sharing those Kodak moments and we have no problem going along with the bonding process, but we need and want intimate, touching, romantic, hard core,  monkey, hanging from the rafters, embarrassing your mother SEX. Okay, it doesn’t HAVE to be wild sex, any penetration will do- as long as it’s not in the booty. I’m sorry but I will lose my deep connection with you if you go deep into my ass.

We laugh together, converse together, play together, cook together, solve problems together…all of these things create a semi-circle around Section 4, if you want to complete the circle..there must be sex. Yes, we know, sex is more of an action to you…it isn’t bonding, unspoken emotions, connecting..it’s just sloppy slam bam thank you mam. It’s just another moment in life where you have to raise your heartbeat, get sweaty and shoot mini you’s. Sorry pal, women don’t see it that way. Think of it this way- the closest you can be to someone (physically) is to be inside someone [The closest you can be to someone (emotionally) is to be inside their Section 4]. Sex is putting the cherry on top of the relationship. We don’t confirm our friendships by banging our same sex friends, do we? “Oh damn, that Cindy was something special, Whew Wee, I can tell we’re going to be GREAT friends…” When women have sex with a man, they are letting you into their world. They are letting you have a piece of them (piece of ass) and their Section 4. Unless their whores, you should consider having sex with a woman something special.

Now, we know you banged the hell out of us in the beginning because it was vagina and you were all excited and twitterpated. We were just as excited as you were, but all of a sudden…DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD and so is your ding dong. All of a sudden, life seems to grab you by the balls and you’re too busy, too stressed, too tired, too hungry, too impotent, too f*cking your secretary. How can you NOT want to bang me? Now, you’ve gone and done it. Women are conditioned to think that every man wants, eats, sleeps and dreams about sex. We are dumbfounded when we stumble upon one that thinks otherwise. First, we research all outside resources to see if and what might be impacting your boner. Then, we do the womanly thing (we all do it) and starting point the boner at ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you are too tired, too hungry, too busy, too stressed, too limp….Let me tell you what a woman thinks when her man does not want to have sex with her:

1. He’s f*cking someone else
2. I’m not good enough
3. I must suck in bed
4. I must have an ugly body and he’s not attracted to me
5. My breasts must look funny, he’s laughing at my vagina
6. My vagina must smell like armpit
7. He’s embarrassed to see me naked, now I”m embarrassed to be naked
8. I guess I just don’t do it for him
9. He’s f*cking someone else
10.He’s just not that into me (I hate this phrase n0w)

Read the rest of this entry »

Oh me, I remember my “Want” list years ago, well… 2 and a half years ago to be exact. What  happened 2 1/2 years ago? I popped out a baby. Yes, I know…it was quite an experience…stretch marks, constipation, epidural, blood, amniotic sac, FETUS… wait, where was I? Oh yes, my want list: I think it looked a little something like this:

1)Must Love Dogs
2)No Kids
3)Must Love Chicken
4)No Kids
5)Must Love Vibrators
6)No Kids

You get the point, right? Married men and men with children were 100% forbidden, well for me anyways. Silly,uh? What was my reasoning? I didn’t want something who had already..well, been “had”. I didn’t want a ready made family. I didn’t want someone to have to call me “Miss Lindsay”. I didn’t want to deal with a crazy ex-wife. I didn’t want to write out a check for $1000 a month for child support. I didn’t want a constant reminder that my man and some other woman f*cked. I mean, to me, kids were just little f*cking reminders. I know, I should be ashamed of myself but I’m not. I mean, come on, can you blame me? I was a single, independent woman who had no clue about children. They scared me. I would be lying if I said they still don’t scare me a little, just a bit. Anyway, all I know is that one day I woke up and every man on the planet (it seemed) had children. I searched high and low for a man that hadn’t populated. You see, I had this cool idea of never getting married or ever having kids. I was going to be the small town “Angelina Jolie” and adopt Asian babies and wear cool sunglasses. Then, I stumbled on a dude that had no kids, no ex wife and yeehaw, there was gold in them thar hills. Needless to say, we saw, we came and then we conquered and by the time it was all over I was Miss Mommy Lindsay.

So, it was a surprise and a beautiful one at that. Dammit, if I knew this mother thing was going to be so cool..I would have started having babies years ago. Ok, not really. Somehow I managed to go from Miss Lindsay to Mommy Lindsay to Single Mommy Lindsay. Funny how that kind of works out. For awhile, I never thought about dating but as months passed I started to wonder what kind of man would want to date a woman who had a little baby? Warning: Here comes random thought: It’s amazing how selective we get once we have children.I stayed single for almost a year or more because I became incredibly picky and choosy. No, I wasn’t looking for a father for my son, he already had one but I was looking for someone that would be a positive influence. Damn, slim pickings. I actually told myself that I would probably never find a compatible partner that would accept me plus my cute little baggage. I prepared myself to be single and decided that I would rather be single than be with someone who didn’t accept my little one. Eventually, I started dating a dude. I find it somewhat comical that he (like all the others I’ve dated) had no children. Am I wrong for thinking “YES!”? Am I wrong for thinking that one kid is all I can handle at the moment?

*Sigh* How do I always manage to crap up my post with complete bullshit before I even get to the damn point? So, this is really my first relationship since the wonk wonk wonk ex. It’s extremely new for me to be dating someone other than my son’s father. I can only imagine how new it is for the dude because he’s never dated anyone with children. Is it okay to say it’s the blind leading the blind? Anywho, moving on to bigger and better balls..err, I mean things. I wanted, for my own therapeutic selfish reasons, to post about issues and tips concerning dating with children.

1. Scare Tactics: The quickest way to scare the hell out of someone on a first date is to focus 101% on your children. I know, you’re a proud parent but for some reason, it can easily freak the other person out. Pulling out pictures and talking about how Bobby’s balls just dropped isn’t something someone really wants to hear about in the beginning. I think it’s important to mention that you have children and tis okay to tell the ages/sex/etc but leave it at that. It’s okay to focus on yourself or someone else for five minutes, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Slowly progress into doting on your children. Of course, if the person you are going out with has children also- this whole tip might as well go down the drain.  Read the rest of this entry »

My lovely people, G’day! Yes, I do apologize..I have been hiding under a small rock. If you can just imagine two big booty cheeks with a rock in the middle, that’s me. I wish I could say that I’ve been vacationing at the Virgin Islands taking away virginity left and right but that isn’t the case. The only excuse that I have is that I have been designing some sort of plan for world peace? Does that work? I’ve been extremely busy and the one thing I love to do jumped on the back burner. Ok, enough with my excuses…this is a long one, you might wanna grab a beer and some nuts…roll that beautiful bean footage!

So, most of you that know me and those of you that don’t either know or don’t know that I have been dating a guy man for the past err, eight months. Holy Moly, that screams commitment. Hold me, I’m scared. I’ve had a few,little,minor major breaking points in the past week due to, what I would call, emotional neglect, not enough sleep, too many supplements, PMS and a partridge in a pear tree. With that being said, I would like to say that there is a difference between someone who neglects on purpose and someone who doesn’ t know they are neglecting. No woman wants to say “Hey there buddy, you are neglecting my feelings, my needs and my vagina”. We would rather give subtle hints and let you figure it out for yourself. We should know by now ( I should know by now) that you men do not know the term subtle. All you know is the term ’blunt’ and I’m not talking about reefer. (Just Say No!)

So, yes, the man and I got into a little cat fight debate. These seldom happen and when they do, it’s not the kind of situation where someone wants to be the winner. Also, I am almost 100%  positive that he thinks I am a loon with psychotic tendencies. I have to admit that I surprised myself. I am not someone that flies off of the handle when the shit has hit the fan. I am not someone who cries at the drop of the hat. I was at the end of my rope, feeling drained, empty and broke.  This is all because he never showed his feelings. He never complimented me, wasn’t very affectionate, didn’t think about sex and sometimes didn’t really converse with me. Some people mentioned that this could be toxic and some form of emotional abuse. I didn’t think that he would do anything on purpose to hurt me, it did feel toxic and it did feel like neglect. I eventually found out that this is his first serious relationship ever. I am cutting him some extreme slack. He didn’t know any better. I told him that I was in good shape before I met him. I was confident, had great self-esteem, was sure of myself..and all of that jazz. Now, I’m not. My confidence is somewhat shaky, I questioned my appearance now, I’m not sure if I have any good jokes left and sometimes my booty jiggles. Why has this happened? I told him I need validation, women need validation. And this is where it baffled me. He said:

“Why do you need me to validate who you are and how you feel about yourself?”
Say what?
Oh, for a second there I thought you said “Waka Waka Waka”

The question stumped me. I looked as if he just had just given me the magic formula to Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Jawbreakers. I was confused and usually “Oh little one with good comebacks” was speechless. I understood the question, I understood what he was saying…it was formulating feelings in my gut that was the problem. I could feel why I needed validation but I couldn’t say it. Why did I need him to feel pretty? Why did I need him to feel accepted? Why was I so confident before and not so much now? Why did I need sex from him? Oh, that one’s easy..I was horny. Why did I need him to hold me, touch me, caress me, fondle me? I love the word fondle. The combination of it all is summed up in one word…validation.

Look, I don’t know why we need validation. I could go without it if I didn’t need it so much, um, that made no sense. So, listen to this: Are you ready? Can someone please give me a drum roll?

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us– in other words, that THEY matter to us. By “mirroring” some one’s feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us. Read the rest of this entry »

You know, I remember my younger years sitting in front of the tube obsessing over Cinderella and her Prince Charming, singing alot to “Someday My Prince Will Come”. I hummed that tune through out most of my dating years. I would seemingly settle for “Mr. In The  Mean Time” AKA “Mr. Right Now” because I had this feeling that Mr. Right was just around the corner. Or should I say, “Mr. Perfect”? It’s been beat and bruised into our subconscious that there is someone perfect out there for us. We are told to never settle for less. We march through our single lives chanting “Do not settle” and “Someday My Prince Will Come” and before you know it, we’re thirty something years old still waiting for him to come skipping around the corner. Well, if we keep waiting he won’t be skipping, Bertha will be pushing him around the corner in a wheel chair. Funny but true.

Most women make their  “To Love List”, you know, the list where they chart what they do and do not want in a partner. We tape it to the bathroom mirror, humming that tune and we sit and wait, and wait, and wait and so on. We sit and wait for that one special person to give us butterflies, that extreme chemistry reaction. When we don’t feel the attraction immediatly we scratch their names off of the list and move on to the next. When he doesn’t wear the name brand shoes we like, we scratch his name off of the list and move on to the next. When he doesn’t have the kind of job we like, we scra-…well, you get my point.

We are all waiting for that perfect day, where the sun is just right, the birds are chirping, there’s a slight breeze and oh, what’s that? Oh my, is that a white horse? Could it be? No, it’s really not…there is no such thing as Prince Charming. Well, at least not in the beginning. I find it possible to find a Prince Charming but that is only after you and him have been together for a bit, know each other, respect one another, compromise, communicate, and love one another. Damn, that’s a lot of work. Hey, love isn’t easy.

My point is, you could be passing up the person of your dreams because you are waiting for, well, the person of your dreams. So what if he comes packaged a little differently? I am not telling you to lower your standards but if you are searching for “Mr. Perfect” you are probably going to be “Ms. Single” for the rest of your life. I’m not really implying that you settle, “settle” is a broad term and has different meanings for different folks. “My” settling would be marrying a man that does drugs, abuses me and cheats on me. THAT is settling to me. Other women’s definition of settling is “If he doesn’t wear a Rolex, drive a beamer, have a six figure income…I’m not interested”.  If that’s the case, sometimes it’s really okay to settle.

Women need to learn to broaden their horizons. Dare to date different. Go out with someone you wouldn’t normally date, give a brother a chance. You might actually be surprised. Don’t think of it as lowering your standards, think of it as a new opportunity to meet more men. Hey, if you scratch off a few “don’t wants” and add them to your “wants” you might be that much closer to finding “Prince Charming” or well, at least his brother.

While trying to snooze last night, my mind kept hovering over the sex topic. Not a bad subject,eh? Mmm,sex..nipples, vagina’s and blueberry muffins. I was thinking about men having sex vs. women having sex. I think men would be content with getting instant wood, sticking it in the muffin, baking it  and rolling over for a nap. He aims, he shoots (literally), he scores, Game Over. wonk wonk wonk. (and the crowd goes wild) Now, take note that I am not putting all men into one category but I am only speaking from “my” majority. Why must sex be so mechanical? Mmm, for some reason it makes me want to do the robot. Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto  I know, you’re getting wood just thinking about it.  I’m just going to cut the crap and get to the point. Some women are easily won by looks, success, fame and/or fortune, me? Well, it doesn’t take much…just a little foreplay. Yes, I am easily pleased or is it easy to please, or pleased to be easy? Oh dammit, you get the point.

Most women do not like sex that is robotic, mechanical, mundane,…you know, same ole shit different day. We don’t like knowing that at 10:00 pm you are going to nudge us with your man parts, hover over us for ten minutes, huffing and panting and then ‘tada’..nap time. Where’s the creativity? Oh hell, I guess this could probably go out to women also. Look people, are you forgetting something? Oh yes, there it is, look in your back pocket…It’s called FOREPLAY. For the love of the muffins, what happened to Mr. Foreplay? Newsflash: You can just jump in a vagina without giving it special attention. You wouldn’t run in a marathon without practicing first? You wouldn’t work out without stretching first? You wouldn’t bake the turkey without preheating, right? You’ve got to preheat the vagina at 350.

If you want a woman to melt in your hands, you have got to give her some foreplay. Please, tease us. Take your time with us, we aren’t going anywhere. Instead of going straight to our muffin, why don’t you play with the blueberries first? Rub us here, a little there, oh don’t forget “that” spot and then slowly make your way down to Muffin Land, by the way, Do you know the muffin man? Well, you can me “King” of the muffins if you take your time with a woman and give her foreplay. Most women, including myself, feel denied if there is no foreplay. Some of us feel used and wonder why you don’t want to take the time to touch us and to make us feel good. Hell, most of us are more aggravated after sex than before because since our ‘needs’ weren’t attended to, we become extremely frustrated.

A man generally doesn’t understand  a woman’s need to relax and get into sex slowly. Most men start out balls to the wall and ready to go, standing to attention. A lot of times, women can not enjoy sex unless they are really relaxed. Giving us foreplay and teasing us will give us all the time in the world to  feel comfortable with you. We won’t feel pressured to “hurry up” and enjoy what we can before you blow your load. We want a man that is going to take his sweet time with us. We want men who aren’t just thinking about getting a nut and taking a nap. (nut, nap, next)

Here’s the problem: Men know that if they stroke it long enough, it will cum. “If you stroke it, it will cum”. On the other hand, women are completely different. Each woman and vagina is different. Some can orgasm with just a penis, some need clitoris stimulation, some need 10 minutes, some need 30, some need vibrators, some need George Clooney. Whatever it is that she needs, you’ve got to scope it out and figure out what works best for the both of you. Please don’t assume that just because your wing wong is in her ting tong that she is satisfied. We want you to touch us, caress us, love on us, kiss us, etc. Memo: Kissing during sex makes it a million times more enjoyable and intimate for us. Also, we hate feeling rushed to climax. If there is any sort of mental “hurry up and come” pressure on our vagina, we will never reach the big O.

I am amazed how most men forget about the little ole clitoris. What is so hard about just tapping it a few times? Correct me if I’m wrong but when a man does not take the time to touch a woman’s hoo ha, she takes it personally and thinks something is wrong with her and her vagina. I mean, it’s not like we are asking you to climb Mount Everest. I read somewhere that 98% of the orgasms women experience are from the result of stimulating the clitoris. Stimulated clitoris=Happy vagina=Happy woman=More nights out with the guys=Happy man. See how that works? Viola!

So, here’s the plan, men. If you are wanting to drive your woman wild and take her vagina down to China town, please her and please her good. The next time the two of you are about to bang, tease her. No, don’t tease her for a minute and then get it on…I mean, seriously, tease her. Caress her, run your fingers down her thighs, touch her female parts, and then start having sex with her. So, right before you hit the big O, pull out and go back to focusing on her. This way you don’t totally lose your erection pleasing her. Put it on your “To Do” list to  make her O. So, tease her, stick it in, tease her some more, make her climax and then go in for the kill (your “O”). Capiche?

Most people aren’t born with ‘pimp’ skills. Most men are completely clueless as to what women want. Most men have no idea what it is that a woman needs. Look, I’m not going to lie, being a woman myself sometimes I am clueless as to what I want and need. Men need to realize that sometimes we are going to be emotional, sometimes we might be bitchy and sometimes we just might not make any sense. The kicker is how men respond to us. Give me a man that even ‘pretends’ that he understands me and I might just fall in love. If you are looking to pick up a woman or looking to keep your current lady, here are a few tips to put in your pocket:

1)”You” Ask Her Out: God gave you balls, use them. Don’t get your friends to do the dirty work for you. Aren’t “you” the one that is interested in her? Getting one of the ‘guys’ to ask a chic out for you only makes you look like a total weenie. Somehow you must find the courage to ask her out. Please don’t let your voice shake when you do it, we don’t want to know that you feel like a scared little second grader. Also, do not text a girl and ask her out, this is bad form. The best ways to ask someone out is in person or over the phone. Don’t be afraid, the worse she can say is “No”. If this happens, I promise you there are a million other girls out there that would love to date you.

2)You Choose The Destination: It’s usually up to the guy to coordinate the date. This is when you will have to figure out where you will go and what you will do. This is where you use your spidey senses. You probably need to talk to her on the phone a bit to get a feel for what she likes. You don’t want to make plans to go to the opera when she hates it. You don’t want to get tickets for the game if she hates sports. Try to get a feel for her personality. It’s okay to ask her what she would like to do but don’t throw it entirely in her court. It’s hard enough to have to find something to wear, get our hair did, get our nails done and then try to get ready. We definitely don’t want to be burdened with trying to figure out the plans for the date. Tip: Do NOT go to the movies for a first date. This is the worst idea ever. How can you get to know someone in a movie theater?

3)Turn Your Cellphone Off: Yes please, put it in your pocket, mmk? If you want to make us feel that we aren’t the center of attention, keep talking on your cellphone during our date. Come on now, that’s just rude and crude. What is so important? Please do not take cellphone calls during your date. Also, please no texting either. It’s probably just a good idea to turn it off completely.

4)Chivalry Is Not Dead, People: This is a great way to get your foot in the door with a woman. Honestly, when a man opens a door for me, I always get warm and fuzzy. My man and I have been dating for over six months and he still opens the car door and other doors for me. If you want to make a good impression on the first date, open all doors. If you are currently dating someone now, start doing this. You might be surprised by her reaction.

5)Talking About Yourself: Yes, we know, you love yourself. That’s great but we really don’t want to hear about it. While you are on your date, keep it to a minimum when you are talking about yourself. I’ve been on several dates where the men would go on and on about this, that and the other. I sometimes wondered if they realized I was even sitting there. Try to engage in conversation. Yes, it’s fine to talk about things going on in your life but we’re not here to talk about you. You are on this date to get to know this particular woman. Well, ask questions…get to know us. Think about some things you want to ask us just in case the crickets start chirping. What are her hobbies? What are her goals? What about her family? Where does she work? Tip: Do not spend a lot of time talking about work, we will begin to think you are a workaholic.

6)Show Her That You’re Funny:  Women love a man that can make them laugh. Ever see those hot girls with ‘not so’ hot men? Well, it’s usually because they are funny or um, they have money. Don’t be so uptight all the time. Show her that you can crack jokes and laugh at yourself. If you find that she is laughing through the date then you are probably scoring some major points. Just be sure that she is laughing with you and not at you. Story of my life.

7)Don’t Compliment Her Too Much: Yes, it’s a must that you tell her she’s pretty. If you start to go on and on about how gorgeous she is, she will freak out and think you are creepy. It’s all about moderation. I’ve been out with dudes that did nothing but compliment me the entire date. Of course, it was flattering at first but then it got really annoying. Look, you’ll never win okay? Whether you compliment us too much or don’t compliment us enough, we are going to probably bitch. I am only speaking for myself. You must find a happy medium.

8)Don’t Kiss On First Date: I know, I’m cheesy but come on. Okay, you can kiss on the first date only if you are 100% sure she is going to kiss you back. Imagine how embarrassing it would be if you went in for the kill and she just gave you a pat on the back. Ouch. You might want to get to know someone a little better before you try to jam your tongue down their throat. Of course, a peck on the cheek is nice and hugs are even better. Don’t rush things, you’ve got all the time in the world.

9)Keep Your Weenie In Your Pants: The worst thing you could do is try to get into someone’s pants before they are ready. Yes, I know, you are feeling it but is she? Most women have to warm up to men before they sleep with them. Well, not all of them but most. You don’t want to look as if you are some sort of horn ball that hasn’t gotten laid since high school, right? If you are looking for a ‘relationship’, why would you want to sleep with someone so soon anyway? You know if she gives it up you are just going to go to the next person. Why don’t you add some spark to the relationship by allowing tension to build up between the two of you. Please keep your weenie in your pants until the appropriate time. If you can’t seem to keep your weenie in your pocket, maybe you should take matters into your own hands.

10)Call Her The Next Day: Look, I’m not trying to play games here. If you like the girl and she likes you then it’s okay to call her the next day. If she really likes you she is going to be excited to hear from you. On the other hand, if you aren’t sure how the date went..please use the three day rule. You know what I’m talking about. Wait at least three days to call her, okay? Read the rest of this entry »