The Queen of Relationships

Oh me, I remember my “Want” list years ago, well… 2 and a half years ago to be exact. What  happened 2 1/2 years ago? I popped out a baby. Yes, I know…it was quite an experience…stretch marks, constipation, epidural, blood, amniotic sac, FETUS… wait, where was I? Oh yes, my want list: I think it looked a little something like this:

1)Must Love Dogs
2)No Kids
3)Must Love Chicken
4)No Kids
5)Must Love Vibrators
6)No Kids

You get the point, right? Married men and men with children were 100% forbidden, well for me anyways. Silly,uh? What was my reasoning? I didn’t want something who had already..well, been “had”. I didn’t want a ready made family. I didn’t want someone to have to call me “Miss Lindsay”. I didn’t want to deal with a crazy ex-wife. I didn’t want to write out a check for $1000 a month for child support. I didn’t want a constant reminder that my man and some other woman f*cked. I mean, to me, kids were just little f*cking reminders. I know, I should be ashamed of myself but I’m not. I mean, come on, can you blame me? I was a single, independent woman who had no clue about children. They scared me. I would be lying if I said they still don’t scare me a little, just a bit. Anyway, all I know is that one day I woke up and every man on the planet (it seemed) had children. I searched high and low for a man that hadn’t populated. You see, I had this cool idea of never getting married or ever having kids. I was going to be the small town “Angelina Jolie” and adopt Asian babies and wear cool sunglasses. Then, I stumbled on a dude that had no kids, no ex wife and yeehaw, there was gold in them thar hills. Needless to say, we saw, we came and then we conquered and by the time it was all over I was Miss Mommy Lindsay.

So, it was a surprise and a beautiful one at that. Dammit, if I knew this mother thing was going to be so cool..I would have started having babies years ago. Ok, not really. Somehow I managed to go from Miss Lindsay to Mommy Lindsay to Single Mommy Lindsay. Funny how that kind of works out. For awhile, I never thought about dating but as months passed I started to wonder what kind of man would want to date a woman who had a little baby? Warning: Here comes random thought: It’s amazing how selective we get once we have children.I stayed single for almost a year or more because I became incredibly picky and choosy. No, I wasn’t looking for a father for my son, he already had one but I was looking for someone that would be a positive influence. Damn, slim pickings. I actually told myself that I would probably never find a compatible partner that would accept me plus my cute little baggage. I prepared myself to be single and decided that I would rather be single than be with someone who didn’t accept my little one. Eventually, I started dating a dude. I find it somewhat comical that he (like all the others I’ve dated) had no children. Am I wrong for thinking “YES!”? Am I wrong for thinking that one kid is all I can handle at the moment?

*Sigh* How do I always manage to crap up my post with complete bullshit before I even get to the damn point? So, this is really my first relationship since the wonk wonk wonk ex. It’s extremely new for me to be dating someone other than my son’s father. I can only imagine how new it is for the dude because he’s never dated anyone with children. Is it okay to say it’s the blind leading the blind? Anywho, moving on to bigger and better balls..err, I mean things. I wanted, for my own therapeutic selfish reasons, to post about issues and tips concerning dating with children.

1. Scare Tactics: The quickest way to scare the hell out of someone on a first date is to focus 101% on your children. I know, you’re a proud parent but for some reason, it can easily freak the other person out. Pulling out pictures and talking about how Bobby’s balls just dropped isn’t something someone really wants to hear about in the beginning. I think it’s important to mention that you have children and tis okay to tell the ages/sex/etc but leave it at that. It’s okay to focus on yourself or someone else for five minutes, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Slowly progress into doting on your children. Of course, if the person you are going out with has children also- this whole tip might as well go down the drain.  Read the rest of this entry »

My lovely people, G’day! Yes, I do apologize..I have been hiding under a small rock. If you can just imagine two big booty cheeks with a rock in the middle, that’s me. I wish I could say that I’ve been vacationing at the Virgin Islands taking away virginity left and right but that isn’t the case. The only excuse that I have is that I have been designing some sort of plan for world peace? Does that work? I’ve been extremely busy and the one thing I love to do jumped on the back burner. Ok, enough with my excuses…this is a long one, you might wanna grab a beer and some nuts…roll that beautiful bean footage!

So, most of you that know me and those of you that don’t either know or don’t know that I have been dating a guy man for the past err, eight months. Holy Moly, that screams commitment. Hold me, I’m scared. I’ve had a few,little,minor major breaking points in the past week due to, what I would call, emotional neglect, not enough sleep, too many supplements, PMS and a partridge in a pear tree. With that being said, I would like to say that there is a difference between someone who neglects on purpose and someone who doesn’ t know they are neglecting. No woman wants to say “Hey there buddy, you are neglecting my feelings, my needs and my vagina”. We would rather give subtle hints and let you figure it out for yourself. We should know by now ( I should know by now) that you men do not know the term subtle. All you know is the term ’blunt’ and I’m not talking about reefer. (Just Say No!)

So, yes, the man and I got into a little cat fight debate. These seldom happen and when they do, it’s not the kind of situation where someone wants to be the winner. Also, I am almost 100%  positive that he thinks I am a loon with psychotic tendencies. I have to admit that I surprised myself. I am not someone that flies off of the handle when the shit has hit the fan. I am not someone who cries at the drop of the hat. I was at the end of my rope, feeling drained, empty and broke.  This is all because he never showed his feelings. He never complimented me, wasn’t very affectionate, didn’t think about sex and sometimes didn’t really converse with me. Some people mentioned that this could be toxic and some form of emotional abuse. I didn’t think that he would do anything on purpose to hurt me, it did feel toxic and it did feel like neglect. I eventually found out that this is his first serious relationship ever. I am cutting him some extreme slack. He didn’t know any better. I told him that I was in good shape before I met him. I was confident, had great self-esteem, was sure of myself..and all of that jazz. Now, I’m not. My confidence is somewhat shaky, I questioned my appearance now, I’m not sure if I have any good jokes left and sometimes my booty jiggles. Why has this happened? I told him I need validation, women need validation. And this is where it baffled me. He said:

“Why do you need me to validate who you are and how you feel about yourself?”
Say what?
Oh, for a second there I thought you said “Waka Waka Waka”

The question stumped me. I looked as if he just had just given me the magic formula to Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Jawbreakers. I was confused and usually “Oh little one with good comebacks” was speechless. I understood the question, I understood what he was saying…it was formulating feelings in my gut that was the problem. I could feel why I needed validation but I couldn’t say it. Why did I need him to feel pretty? Why did I need him to feel accepted? Why was I so confident before and not so much now? Why did I need sex from him? Oh, that one’s easy..I was horny. Why did I need him to hold me, touch me, caress me, fondle me? I love the word fondle. The combination of it all is summed up in one word…validation.

Look, I don’t know why we need validation. I could go without it if I didn’t need it so much, um, that made no sense. So, listen to this: Are you ready? Can someone please give me a drum roll?

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us– in other words, that THEY matter to us. By “mirroring” some one’s feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us. Read the rest of this entry »

You know, I remember my younger years sitting in front of the tube obsessing over Cinderella and her Prince Charming, singing alot to “Someday My Prince Will Come”. I hummed that tune through out most of my dating years. I would seemingly settle for “Mr. In The  Mean Time” AKA “Mr. Right Now” because I had this feeling that Mr. Right was just around the corner. Or should I say, “Mr. Perfect”? It’s been beat and bruised into our subconscious that there is someone perfect out there for us. We are told to never settle for less. We march through our single lives chanting “Do not settle” and “Someday My Prince Will Come” and before you know it, we’re thirty something years old still waiting for him to come skipping around the corner. Well, if we keep waiting he won’t be skipping, Bertha will be pushing him around the corner in a wheel chair. Funny but true.

Most women make their  “To Love List”, you know, the list where they chart what they do and do not want in a partner. We tape it to the bathroom mirror, humming that tune and we sit and wait, and wait, and wait and so on. We sit and wait for that one special person to give us butterflies, that extreme chemistry reaction. When we don’t feel the attraction immediatly we scratch their names off of the list and move on to the next. When he doesn’t wear the name brand shoes we like, we scratch his name off of the list and move on to the next. When he doesn’t have the kind of job we like, we scra-…well, you get my point.

We are all waiting for that perfect day, where the sun is just right, the birds are chirping, there’s a slight breeze and oh, what’s that? Oh my, is that a white horse? Could it be? No, it’s really not…there is no such thing as Prince Charming. Well, at least not in the beginning. I find it possible to find a Prince Charming but that is only after you and him have been together for a bit, know each other, respect one another, compromise, communicate, and love one another. Damn, that’s a lot of work. Hey, love isn’t easy.

My point is, you could be passing up the person of your dreams because you are waiting for, well, the person of your dreams. So what if he comes packaged a little differently? I am not telling you to lower your standards but if you are searching for “Mr. Perfect” you are probably going to be “Ms. Single” for the rest of your life. I’m not really implying that you settle, “settle” is a broad term and has different meanings for different folks. “My” settling would be marrying a man that does drugs, abuses me and cheats on me. THAT is settling to me. Other women’s definition of settling is “If he doesn’t wear a Rolex, drive a beamer, have a six figure income…I’m not interested”.  If that’s the case, sometimes it’s really okay to settle.

Women need to learn to broaden their horizons. Dare to date different. Go out with someone you wouldn’t normally date, give a brother a chance. You might actually be surprised. Don’t think of it as lowering your standards, think of it as a new opportunity to meet more men. Hey, if you scratch off a few “don’t wants” and add them to your “wants” you might be that much closer to finding “Prince Charming” or well, at least his brother.

Oh, my lovely readers…I have not forgotten about you. Your “Queen” has been resting on ‘the throne’ (literally) with a time consuming illness. My little pea brain has been so foggy lately, I couldn’t form a sentence if I wanted to. Alas, I am feeling better and ready to force feed you some new, juicy material.  Disclaimer: The “Queen” can not be held responsible for the following information, errors and lack of humor will all be justified due to being heavily medicated and also the inability to type while restrained in a straight jacket.

Romeo, Romeo..where for art thou, Romeo? No really, where the hell is that bastard? So, you’re waiting for “the one”? Well, go ahead and join the damn club. I’ve been waiting for the “one”, the “two” and the “three”, etc as long as I can remember. When Lawd? When’s gone be my time? How long must I continue to tramp along with “Old Maid” stamped on my forehead? Geez, I’m starting to think that the Scarlet Letter would be much easier, at least everyone would know I was getting some action.

Look, I’m going to go ahead and be honest, I don’t believe in “the one”. I’ve mentioned that in previous posts, I think. I think there are hundreds of people that each of us could possibly be compatible with. I mean, what is it about this whole “the one” bullshit? Tell me this: What if your “the one” accidentally got involved with someone else, doesn’t that throw the whole “the one” theory off? I’m just saying. I know, don’t be upset..it’s hard to swallow the “there is no “the one” pill. Doesn’t it make you feel better though knowing that you aren’t just searching for one person? I mean, who in the hell feels like searching for Waldo anyway? With my theory, you’ll have more of an option, more of a selection..don’t ya think? Hey, it’s just a thought…just a theory.

1)Fall In Love…..With Yourself: Yes, I said it. I spent years searching for the true meaning of love while secretly manifesting self-hatred. How in the hoo ha did I expect myself to fall in love if I didn’t even love myself? If you are searching for a healthy relationship with someone, you must be in love with yourself. Look pal, don’t get loving yourself and narcissism confused. Loving yourself is accepting yourself for who you are. Capiche?

2)Chose Or Be Chosen: You can wonder around the single world as a chooser or as the chosen. Be confident, don’t sit around and wait to be chosen by someone. Don’t be like a little puppy at the pound shop waiting for your new owner to pick you up. You must know what you want, live your life and choose accordingly without settling.

3)Laws Of Attraction: Oh yes, like attracts like. So, what are you looking for in a mate? Honesty? Integrity? Faithfulness? Considerate? You can’t go along boasting about what kind of person you want if you aren’t practicing the same characteristics. You can’t strive to find someone who is positive if you are a negative person. No positive person will want to hang out with you if you are negative. Again, like attracts like.

If love is what you are looking for, love is what you must give. You need to try to be loving in every aspect of your life. Checking out at the grocery store? Compliment the cashier. Just finished eating at a chic restaurant? Leave a good tip. Someone pulls out in front of you? Give them the middle finger, err I mean…smile and wave. It’s all about practicing love. Yes, it sounds cheesy but if like attracts like, you probably know what you need to do.

4)Stay Active: There is no way you are going to meet that special someone if you are stuck inside your house. You must live your life to the fullest and don’t focus so much on meeting someone. Go out into the world and focus on making friends. You never know when a friend will turn into a lover. Live an active lifestyle, be productive, get involved and sooner or later love might sneak it’s way in.

5)Stop Looking: You’ve heard it before, you know, the love birds that say “As soon as I finished looking for someone, he came out of nowhere”. This happens all the time. If you put so much focus on finding someone, you are more likely to settle for anyone. Go on about your business. Don’t make finding someone a priority.

So, that’s it for today folks. I think the key ingredient for finding love is first being emotionally stable and loving yourself. You must go out into the world with confidence as the chooser. Don’t allow yourself to be chosen. You must know what you want and who you want and you must not settle for less. If you are looking for someone with certain characteristics, be sure to mirror these. You know, the laws of attraction. Good luck on your journey and when you find the person of your dreams, ask’em if they have a brother.

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