The Queen of Relationships

My lovely people, G’day! Yes, I do apologize..I have been hiding under a small rock. If you can just imagine two big booty cheeks with a rock in the middle, that’s me. I wish I could say that I’ve been vacationing at the Virgin Islands taking away virginity left and right but that isn’t the case. The only excuse that I have is that I have been designing some sort of plan for world peace? Does that work? I’ve been extremely busy and the one thing I love to do jumped on the back burner. Ok, enough with my excuses…this is a long one, you might wanna grab a beer and some nuts…roll that beautiful bean footage!

So, most of you that know me and those of you that don’t either know or don’t know that I have been dating a guy man for the past err, eight months. Holy Moly, that screams commitment. Hold me, I’m scared. I’ve had a few,little,minor major breaking points in the past week due to, what I would call, emotional neglect, not enough sleep, too many supplements, PMS and a partridge in a pear tree. With that being said, I would like to say that there is a difference between someone who neglects on purpose and someone who doesn’ t know they are neglecting. No woman wants to say “Hey there buddy, you are neglecting my feelings, my needs and my vagina”. We would rather give subtle hints and let you figure it out for yourself. We should know by now ( I should know by now) that you men do not know the term subtle. All you know is the term ’blunt’ and I’m not talking about reefer. (Just Say No!)

So, yes, the man and I got into a little cat fight debate. These seldom happen and when they do, it’s not the kind of situation where someone wants to be the winner. Also, I am almost 100%  positive that he thinks I am a loon with psychotic tendencies. I have to admit that I surprised myself. I am not someone that flies off of the handle when the shit has hit the fan. I am not someone who cries at the drop of the hat. I was at the end of my rope, feeling drained, empty and broke.  This is all because he never showed his feelings. He never complimented me, wasn’t very affectionate, didn’t think about sex and sometimes didn’t really converse with me. Some people mentioned that this could be toxic and some form of emotional abuse. I didn’t think that he would do anything on purpose to hurt me, it did feel toxic and it did feel like neglect. I eventually found out that this is his first serious relationship ever. I am cutting him some extreme slack. He didn’t know any better. I told him that I was in good shape before I met him. I was confident, had great self-esteem, was sure of myself..and all of that jazz. Now, I’m not. My confidence is somewhat shaky, I questioned my appearance now, I’m not sure if I have any good jokes left and sometimes my booty jiggles. Why has this happened? I told him I need validation, women need validation. And this is where it baffled me. He said:

“Why do you need me to validate who you are and how you feel about yourself?”
Say what?
Oh, for a second there I thought you said “Waka Waka Waka”

The question stumped me. I looked as if he just had just given me the magic formula to Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Jawbreakers. I was confused and usually “Oh little one with good comebacks” was speechless. I understood the question, I understood what he was saying…it was formulating feelings in my gut that was the problem. I could feel why I needed validation but I couldn’t say it. Why did I need him to feel pretty? Why did I need him to feel accepted? Why was I so confident before and not so much now? Why did I need sex from him? Oh, that one’s easy..I was horny. Why did I need him to hold me, touch me, caress me, fondle me? I love the word fondle. The combination of it all is summed up in one word…validation.

Look, I don’t know why we need validation. I could go without it if I didn’t need it so much, um, that made no sense. So, listen to this: Are you ready? Can someone please give me a drum roll?

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us– in other words, that THEY matter to us. By “mirroring” some one’s feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us. Read the rest of this entry »

*sigh* Intimacy. Intimacy is both the ability and the choice to be close, loving, and vulnerable, and typically requires well developed emotional awareness to sustain for any length of time. Did you get that part, Willis? It said the choice to be CLOSE, LOVING, and VULNERABLE. Honestly, the word “vulnerable” scares the hoo ha out of me. Who in the hell wants to be vulnerable? I sure as hell don’t.

Growing up, I was in and out of relationships…well, more “in” than “out”. I honestly can say I spent most of my life with “boyfriends”. There was not a single relationship built on complete trust. This is only because I went into every single relationship with a great amount of fear. First of all, I feared being alone and this is why I was in numerous relationships to begin with. Second of all, I feared rejection. I feared being abandoned. I feared being cheated on. I feared love.  All of these factors contributed to my fear of intimacy.

I think it’s very important to understand that “intimacy” and “sex” are two totally different things. I can have sex with a man and not be intimate, in my opinion. You can have sex with every Tom, Dick, or Harry but real  intimacy is something that comes with time. It’s not just having heated sex, someone screaming your name and slapping your ass. It’s more than that, it’s more than this.

I would have to say that  most of my relationships were based on sex and sex alone. There was no common ground. Most of the time the person was 100% wrong for me but that goes back to the fear I had of being alone. Loneliness will make you do outlandish things. My sexuality and soul were not attached. Why would I want to connect the two and risk being rejected or abandoned? Why would I want to put my soul into someone I knew I couldn’t trust?

Today is a new day. The past is nothing but a faded memory and all the fears have fallen elsewhere. I’m no longer afraid of combining my sexuality and soul. I am no longer afraid of being vulnerable. I have come to the conclusion that life is full of risks. You know, sometimes if you don’t take the chance you might miss out on something beautiful. Now, I crave intimacy.

I crave for that special someone, two souls intertwined. Two souls that are connected. The closeness, man I crave the closeness. I need it, I need this. I need someone to be on the same page as me. Someone who is willing to give up their fears and allow themselves to be vulnerable. The wounds of the past have healed and I’m ready for the one thing I use to fear most, intimacy.

Do you fear intimacy? Here are a few things that might help you figure out if you are fearful or not:

1. Lack of affection with loved ones ( I was never affectionate in any of my past relationships, I hated it, especially cuddling)

2. Critical of yourself or others (I wanted to place the blame on other people for relationship problems  when it was really my fault)

3. Feeling angered or discomfort when someone tries to voice their opinions/ thoughts (Hello, me!)

4. Withdrawing when others talk about their talks and feelings (I was lucky, no one wanted to ever talk about their feelings)

5. Trying to protect yourself (Me, again. I had the biggest guard up known to man) Read the rest of this entry »

“It’s not you, it’s me”. I would be lying if I said I’ve heard this over and again. Growing up and getting in and out of relationships, I was usually the one that threw this phrase around. What seems to be a popular phrase seems to formulate into some sort of complicated cop out. A typical response to “It’s not you, it’s me” is “But, why?”. I mean is must have something to do with “me” or we would still be together. People take the easy avenue by pointing fingers on themselves rather in the direction they should go.

Rejection is just part of life. We all have faced some sort of rejection either at work, at school, maybe with friends and in relationships. Relationship rejection is one of the hardest kind of rejection to overcome. I’m not sure why it’s the hardest, maybe because we feel attacked, our personalities, our mannerisms, our flaws,our ways.

Feelings of rejections might stimulate questions like:

What did I do so wrong?
Am I too fat?
Am I not pretty enough?
Why don’t you love me anymore?
Did I talk too much?
Do you still care about me?
Is there any way I can make this work?

When someone rejects you in a relationship you feel as if you are to be blamed. You feel like you are the cause of the end. Sometimes we never take into account that it actually might be the other person, but we can’t help but wonder if we had something to do with it. Well, why all of a sudden did you stop loving me? If you’ve ever asked this question, I”m willing to bet they didn’t just ’stop’ loving you.

Usually people tend to start drifting from another person to prepare themselves for the break up, which is completely disrespectful and unfair. I use to do this as a teenager. I knew that I wanted to break it off but I would give myself about three months to get ready for it so by the time I broke up with them, I was fine to go on about my business. This probably made it even harder on the other person and probably made it hurt even worse. Why? They couldn’t understand how it was so easy for me to break up with them and move on. Little did they know that I had been preparing for months.

It’s somewhat deceptive and very misleading to stay in a relationship when you know you want out. It’s not fair to the other person and you’re selfishness and more concern about your own feelings leave the other feeling empty, insecure and full of questions. They just want to know why. But, you’ve been going through the process for three months that by the time you get to that day, all you can say is “It’s not you, it’s me”.

You are already so over it that you don’t even want to take the time to explain what made you decide this three months earlier. It’s not fair and it’s wrong. A quick way to realize how unacceptable this is, is when someone does it to you. It really puts this into perspective and allows you to learn a great lesson in how to treat people.

The fear of rejection can have serious effects on who we are and what we want to become. Where you rejected by your mother or father at an early age? Did you grow up feeling rejected? When you grow up with a fear of rejection, you tend to make choices based on that fear rather than the right choices you need to make. Have you ever stayed in a relationship that was all wrong just because you were afraid of being rejected? Did you do things you normally wouldn’t do because of the fear of rejection?

Some of us do wild things just to avoid rejection but what we don’t notice is that we are probably hurting worse then we would if we were rejected. Again, rejection is a part of life. The sooner you learn how to cope with it and grow from it, the better off you’ll be in the long run.

We all have a choice. We all have a choice in how we decide to deal with rejection. We can harp on it and dwell on it or we can dust off our boots and move on to bigger and better things. Try not to go inward and put blame on yourself. Never put yourself down or be negative because you were rejected. Think of it as someone doing you a favor. If there are certain things you were doing wrong in the relationship, learn from it. Don’t take it with you in the next relationship. Be sure to take time to get over the previous relationship and rejection before you jump into another one.

There are several things that women worry about and fear. It could be bills, being successful, finding the right man or being alone. I honestly don’t think that we were made to be alone. Yes, maybe being single. Think about other cultures in other countries, a lot of the families live together: the mother, father, children, grandparents and maybe even uncles and aunts. To me, this seems to be very healthy and therapeutic. Of course, I’m sure it might possible drive someone mad but overall it’s the core of a true family.

I think life might go a little smoother if you are surrounded by those or that one special person that adores you. You know, to have an awesome support system. The fact that it seems to be healthy to be surrounded by people or even one person possible fuels the fear of being alone. Coming home to an empty house can sometimes stimulate loneliness. But, this shouldn’t make you jump into any sort of relationship. Surrounding yourself with family and friends can fill this void. What am I getting at? Well, I’ll bore you a little with my own personal love history.

This Is A No Yawning Zone!

I had my first boyfriend at 15. He wasn’t right for me. I didn’t really even like him but I loved the feeling of not being “alone”. I dated him two years too long. It was then that I started on my relationship journey. For years, I constantly stayed in relationships, jumping out of one to go to another. It wasn’t until recently I had an “aha” moment and stopped. I was putting more focus and obsessiveness on my relationships than putting myself and priorities first. What could I have possibly been running from?

So, are you a relationship junkie? Are you jumping from one relationship to another? When was the last time you were single? How long were you single? These are a few questions to ask yourself. Are you afraid of being alone? Being alone might seem simple but sometimes there are other issues behind it.

Trust me, there are worst things than being alone!

You Are Always In A Relationship: If you find yourself always in a relationship, you just might be afraid of being alone. But, you know what? There are worse things than being alone and that’s being with the wrong person. It’s better to be alone and be happy than to be with someone and be miserable, but you have to find your happiness.

The Back burner Boy- This is something I used to do when I was younger. I’m not voicing that it’s right but this was just another trick to keep me from having to be alone. I would keep another guy on the back burner. I didn’t exactly call it cheating, there wasn’t anything physical but possibly emotional. So, when things didn’t work out with the initial guy I would go to the back burner guy. I did this in my teenage and early college years. It’s not healthy by any means.

Abusive Relationships- Many of us have been in abusive relationships. Why the hell do we stay in them? Because we get beat down to the point we think nobody else would want us? We are afraid to leave because we are fearful or is it just that we are so comfortable and we are afraid of being alone? Never settle.

The Wrong Person- You know there all kinds of wrong for you. You are even that compatible. You really aren’t even sure that you like this person or could see yourself spending the rest of your life with them. The fear of being alone can land you in a sticky relationship with a person that is completely wrong for you, the sad part is…you know it.

Quick To Get Serious- When I was younger, it seemed that if I went out with someone on a date, I would end up in a serious relationship with them. This isn’t healthy. It goes back to dating the wrong person. I wasn’t very selective with the people I dated I just didn’t want to be alone. Things would get real serious real fast and then, as usual, I would end up in a miserable relationship that pacified my sick comfort craving.

Learning to be alone is extremely healthy. You will never have a good, solid, strong relationship with anyone unless you have learned to be alone. You can’t depend on other people to fill the voids that you have or to bypass the issues you need to deal with. Many people get obsessive about relationships because it takes the focus off of their own issues. If you do this, all you are doing is delaying the healing process. Learn to be alone, learn to be happy and learn to love yourself. Then, someone will truly be able to love you.

Read the rest of this entry »