The Queen of Relationships

Dammit,   it’s raining outside. What a perfect world it would be if wind and rain drops were penis and scrotums.  “Oh look honey, it’s raining dicks and balls again”.  Warning: deep thought coming in 3…2…1… If a scrotum falls from the sky, does it bounce?

Speaking of scrotum, I’m always reading books, blogs or finding questions regarding ‘how to get the guy’.  I’m not just talking about the scrotum you just met at AA that you are really crushing on. Nope, I’m talking about anything and everything that is filed under the topic of “getting the scrotum guy”. Yeah, it could be a dude you just met at Starbucks, it could be a guy that you’ve been dating for months but feel as if he’s lost that loving feeling, it could be your ex-boyfriend that you want to stalk get back,   it could be a dude that you are currently ‘just dating’ who is also ‘just dating’ other women, etc.

So, what’s the magic formula…

Well, for three installments of $29.95, you can join the thousands of other women that have been initiated into the MMPPF!<——-(aka My Magic Potion Posse, Fool!)  I know this shit works  because  not only am I a part of the potion posse, but I’m also the potion president.  Okay, not really…well, sort of.

Here’s a quick news flash: there is no magic potion to get a guy but feel free to still send the dough, mamma needs her hair did.

The magic potion for getting the guy….

I wrote a post awhile back about “How To Get Your Ex Back”…I know what you’re thinking, why did I just waste your time with complete bullshit if there is potion? Well, I’ve got a little bit of magic (regarding getting the guy) but it’s nothing special…just my two cents. Two cents isn’t shit but if you know how to manage the two cents, you just might possibly be one, wealthy, mother fu-hush your mouth. What I am about to tell you, you already know and you probably do it all the time but doing it to the right person, at the right time, using the force (Luke)…just might get you the guy. Shut up and spit it out. Why, I think I will.

Okay, here it goes:

Ignore them.

Yep, that’s pretty much it. If you want to get the guy, there’s no reason to do flips in the air to get his attention, no need to spread your legs and put another pointless notch in your belt, no reason to sit by the phone waiting for him to call, no reason to text him 24/7 pushing him to think you are a psycho, needy nut-hole…yes, ignorance is bliss and you should blissfully ignore the dude. Don’t freak out just yet.

Ignore them.

Okay, maybe “ignoring” is a strong term. I’m not encouraging you to play hard to get, 100%. I’m just encouraging 20%. There is a fine line between playing hard to get and ignoring someone. Maybe the ‘ignore’ term is inappropriate but I do not like the catch phrase, “playing hard to get”. Men will tell you that if you play hard to get, they will soon lose interest and move onto the next floozy. This is true. This is about balance. It’s more less some sort of push and pull technique.

This is not implying that you string him along, stringing someone along implies that you aren’t really interested. If you are interested in someone and you want to keep him interested in you, there needs to be a bit of a challenge. Men love a challenge and honestly, if most don’t have to work for it…it’s easy for them to get bored. Hell, I get bored if catching a guy is too easy. I don’t like to be chased because it freaks me out. Of course, not all women are like this but I was born with an extra ball and a man nipple.

I don’t want to hear about how you don’t want to play games. This “is”dating, this is the ‘dating game’. There will always be some sort of mental battle going on in the midst of dating someone, it’s just how it is.

Here are some ways you can pleasantly ‘ignore’ the ones you are interested in, trying to get back or trying to get to commit. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh me, I remember my “Want” list years ago, well… 2 and a half years ago to be exact. What  happened 2 1/2 years ago? I popped out a baby. Yes, I know…it was quite an experience…stretch marks, constipation, epidural, blood, amniotic sac, FETUS… wait, where was I? Oh yes, my want list: I think it looked a little something like this:

1)Must Love Dogs
2)No Kids
3)Must Love Chicken
4)No Kids
5)Must Love Vibrators
6)No Kids

You get the point, right? Married men and men with children were 100% forbidden, well for me anyways. Silly,uh? What was my reasoning? I didn’t want something who had already..well, been “had”. I didn’t want a ready made family. I didn’t want someone to have to call me “Miss Lindsay”. I didn’t want to deal with a crazy ex-wife. I didn’t want to write out a check for $1000 a month for child support. I didn’t want a constant reminder that my man and some other woman f*cked. I mean, to me, kids were just little f*cking reminders. I know, I should be ashamed of myself but I’m not. I mean, come on, can you blame me? I was a single, independent woman who had no clue about children. They scared me. I would be lying if I said they still don’t scare me a little, just a bit. Anyway, all I know is that one day I woke up and every man on the planet (it seemed) had children. I searched high and low for a man that hadn’t populated. You see, I had this cool idea of never getting married or ever having kids. I was going to be the small town “Angelina Jolie” and adopt Asian babies and wear cool sunglasses. Then, I stumbled on a dude that had no kids, no ex wife and yeehaw, there was gold in them thar hills. Needless to say, we saw, we came and then we conquered and by the time it was all over I was Miss Mommy Lindsay.

So, it was a surprise and a beautiful one at that. Dammit, if I knew this mother thing was going to be so cool..I would have started having babies years ago. Ok, not really. Somehow I managed to go from Miss Lindsay to Mommy Lindsay to Single Mommy Lindsay. Funny how that kind of works out. For awhile, I never thought about dating but as months passed I started to wonder what kind of man would want to date a woman who had a little baby? Warning: Here comes random thought: It’s amazing how selective we get once we have children.I stayed single for almost a year or more because I became incredibly picky and choosy. No, I wasn’t looking for a father for my son, he already had one but I was looking for someone that would be a positive influence. Damn, slim pickings. I actually told myself that I would probably never find a compatible partner that would accept me plus my cute little baggage. I prepared myself to be single and decided that I would rather be single than be with someone who didn’t accept my little one. Eventually, I started dating a dude. I find it somewhat comical that he (like all the others I’ve dated) had no children. Am I wrong for thinking “YES!”? Am I wrong for thinking that one kid is all I can handle at the moment?

*Sigh* How do I always manage to crap up my post with complete bullshit before I even get to the damn point? So, this is really my first relationship since the wonk wonk wonk ex. It’s extremely new for me to be dating someone other than my son’s father. I can only imagine how new it is for the dude because he’s never dated anyone with children. Is it okay to say it’s the blind leading the blind? Anywho, moving on to bigger and better balls..err, I mean things. I wanted, for my own therapeutic selfish reasons, to post about issues and tips concerning dating with children.

1. Scare Tactics: The quickest way to scare the hell out of someone on a first date is to focus 101% on your children. I know, you’re a proud parent but for some reason, it can easily freak the other person out. Pulling out pictures and talking about how Bobby’s balls just dropped isn’t something someone really wants to hear about in the beginning. I think it’s important to mention that you have children and tis okay to tell the ages/sex/etc but leave it at that. It’s okay to focus on yourself or someone else for five minutes, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Slowly progress into doting on your children. Of course, if the person you are going out with has children also- this whole tip might as well go down the drain.  Read the rest of this entry »

Happy “Baby Daddy” Day everybody! Yes, it’s that special day where ‘baby daddies’ around the world come together to celebrate the joys of being a father. Okay, so maybe they don’t all come together but I’m pretty sure that most are celebrating, right? So, I just got back from my ‘baby daddy’ house. I actually put together an album of pictures of my son and him for Father’s Day. I know what you’re thinking, I’m a damn sweet baby mamma. Damn straight and damn skippy.  Most women would turn their nose up at the idea of giving her ex a Father’s Day present. Look people, the  man is going to be in your life for the next 18 years so you might as well make the best of it.

I know, I’m sure (like most relationships) it probably ended pretty shitty (hey, that rhymed) and there might be a little bitterness, maybe a tid bit of resentment. I had my moments of being pissed, I’m human..you know. At one point, I didn’t think I would piss on him if he were on fire. At one point, I wanted to be the fire starter. At one point, I thought I could murder him in his sleep…just slowly put a pillow over his head and watch him squirm as he slowly drifted off into la la land. At one point, I’m out of points but you get the point…I was one pissed off bitch.

If you are in the situation where your ex is the father of your child, the relationship can go one or two ways..good or bad. I mean, I’m sure it can be ‘luke warm’ in the middle sometimes but mostly it’s from one extreme to the other. I gave myself time to be pissed at him, hate him, despise him, throwing imaginary darts at his face and then I got over it…only after I hit bulls eye about a trillion times. *sigh* The good thing about pain is that it doesn’t have to last forever. At one point, the pain can and will pass but it’s up to you to move on. You can dilly dally all day in a big puddle of pain but as Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working for you?”. Read the rest of this entry »

Shh, Did you hear that? What is it? Oh no, someone just got dumped! Every 2.9884 seconds someones heart gets broken. Um, I basically just made that up. It could happen though, right? All around the world, people are being affected by the ”Oh, Snap I Got Dumped” disease. No city, region, state, or country is immune to the dumping disease. People all over the world are crying in their cheerios right about now. Some are screaming, “Why?”, some are screaming, “What went wrong?”, others are screaming, “What’s wrong with me?”, but most are screaming, “What The #*$&?”. Can you blame them? Who the hell likes to get dumped? Look, it ain’t fun and it sho nuff ain’t pretty. There are probably three things that run through someones mind when they get dumped. 1) how can I get revenge 2)how can I get over it or 3) how can I get them back?

There are several things you can do to try to get your ex back. First of all, why do you want to get back with that punk anyway? I mean, come on, he straight up dumped you to your face and left you crying in your fruit loops. I hate fruit loops. Getting dumped will play silly mind games on you. You will all of a sudden think you can’t live without this person and you seem to fall more in love with them than before. Crazy, uh? You can’t stop thinking about them and you are two seconds away from creating a full blown psychoticobsession. You can’t eat, you barely sleep and you look like hell. Every time the phone rings you, you think it’s them. Every time you get new mail in your “Inbox”, *sigh* it’s not them. All of a sudden you’re world is revolving around this punk, but why? It seems to be more about getting rejected than the feelings for the actual person, not all the time but most of the time. Listen my child, you must make sure you actually want this person back before you start on your “You Will Date Me Or I Will Kill You” journey. Hey, maybe there was a reason the two of you broke up, maybe it was a good reason. You need to do some silly soul searching to figure this out. In the meantime, I’ve outlined a little plan for you to follow err, or not follow.

 The “Psychotic” Way To Get Your Ex Back

1.) Tell Him You’re Pregnant: I put this one first because this is my favorite one. Oh, yes it works like a charm, not that I have ever done it but you know, ‘word on the streets’. Look, you can’t just come out and say it at first. You’ve got to do a little beating around the bush. Send him a text and say, “I’m worried, I’ve been really nauseated lately and my nipple tingles”. He will then probably wonder why you are feeling this way. Obviously, he’s not a genius (because he dumped you) so it might take a little bit of time for it to sink in. When he finally has an “AHA” moment, he will so concerned about you being pregnant that he won’t have the time to pimp after other girls. This will buy you a few more months with him. Of course, when he finds out the truth he will think you are a psycho look but at least you got those extra months, right? Those are months you wouldn’t have had if you didn’t tell him you were expecting. It’s a boy!

2.)Start Dating/Doing His Best Friend: Oh yes, this one hits’em where it hurts. There’s nothing like going inside a man’s circle and recycling yourself with his friends. Remember his friend that always flirted with you? Take advantage of it, fool. Remember all the freaky things you did for your man? Well, now he has to imagine you doing the same with his best friend, ouch! What a fabulous mental picture, right? If you really want to rub it in, you can text him and say, “Man, I love your dingy dong” and right after text, “Oops, sorry wrong person”. Works like a charm, so I’ve heard.

3.)Call His New Girlfriend: Girls gotta stick together, right? You would hate to see another girl take something that was yours, right? Oops.. I mean, you would hate to see another girl get treated like you did, right? Try to find out who the new skank is. Find her on the web and shoot her a message. Tell her that you’re glad that he finally found someone but be kind and warn her that he’s really tough to deal with when he’s having a ‘flare up’.

4.)Start A Rumor: This will have him thinking about you in no time, especially when his friends go back and tell him the news. Try to find one person that is in his inner circle and peep a rumor. Tell them that your ex has the dicky did disease, where his belly hung lower than his dicky did. There is no limit to what you can say. You were blessed with creativity, use it! If you can find away into the inner circle, post a bulletin on facebook or myspace. If this doesn’t work, go straight to him and say, “I heard that rumor that you have herpes, do I need to get checked?”. This way he will assume that everyone is talking about him and it will make him insecure and possibly might confide in you. Oh look, more time to spend with the ex! Eat it up!

5.)Stalk Him: “Out of Sight, Out of Mind”, right? Well, we surely don’t want this to happen. You don’t want your ex to forget about you, now do you? This is why we need to constantly remind him that you exist. Put together your thoughts and formulate a list of places he tends to hang out at. It could be work, the gym, church, his therapist, AA group, chat rooms, networking sites, places to eat, the barber, the post office, etc…I think you get the point. You need to be sure that he sees you at least four times a day. We want him to be reminded of how beautiful you are and what a terrible mistake he made. You don’t have to worry about approaching him and talking to him, just walk by him and smile..this should be enough. Note- If there are days that you are unable to stalk, let flowers and cards take your place. Read the rest of this entry »