The Queen of Relationships

Gather around people, the meeting is about to begin. We want to welcome all of you to NA. For all of you newcomers, please stand up and tell us a little bit about yourself.

“Hello, I’m Lindsay and well, I’m a nagger. It started out small…you know, just here and there…before I knew it I was a full-blown nagger. Someone encouraged me to join Naggers Anonymous and of course, I nagged about it. It’s good to be in good company and to know that I am not alone.”

It is my duty, as the president of NA, to read all incoming mail. This week we have had several rookies who have exclaimed that they have been called out due to their nagging ways. Some rookies were put on relationship probation and others were told to not pass go or collect their petty cash…they got kicked to the curb, the boot, dumped, and rejected. I will not stand for this. It’s time for the naggers of the world to stand up, unite as one and nag like hell!

Dictionary: Nag·ging

Fault-finding; teasing; persistently annoying

Okay, so let me see if I’ve got this right. What you are really trying to say is that I am an annoying, teasing, fault-finding complainer? Geez, please…no need to sugar coat it for me No really, I’m a big girl.  So, in other words…you think I bitch too much.

To all the “Boyfriends” in the world:

A bitch is not born: she is created.

If we make a request and you ignore it, we have the right to bitch
If you act as if you are listening when you are not, we will continue to bitch
If you agree to the request and then go against your word, we will maximize the bitching
If you said you are going to do something, grab your balls and do it like a man…while we bitch
If you don’t want to do the request, tell us or we will bitch… followed by more bitching
If you lie to us about doing the request, be prepared for Queen Bitch

Some of us actually think that you enjoy the bitching because the problem could be solved so easily but no…you would rather take the long road with a bitch behind the wheel.

Illegitimate Bitching Vs. Legit Bitching

I think there are two types of bitching (nagging). There’s the illegitimate bitching and the legit bitching. Sometimes these two can vary depending on who is doing the bitching and who is getting bitch at. Personally, if it’s legit bitching then it’s not bitching…it’s a concern. But, for those of you that would rather sugar coat the real issues and just cover it up with the “She’s just bitching” phrase…have at it.

Illegitimate Bitching (Nagging)

1. Why do you keep eating your boogers?
2. Are you going to keep smacking your food?
3. How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your socks?
4. I hate it when you part your hair on that side!
5. When are you going to mow the lawn?
6. Who is that dude you’ve been hanging out with?
7. Why does your mother keep calling?
8. Why are you always so horny?
9. Are you ever going to do the dishes?
10. I’m tired of picking up after you!
11. Have you taken a shower today?
12. Why didn’t you call me on the way home?
13. Why didn’t you call me on your lunch break?
14. Why didn’t you call me when you were dating a poo?
15. You need to wash your armpits.
16. You play too much golf.
17. You’re damn mother is calling again!
18. Why don’t you just listen to me?
19. Why are you rolling your eyes?
20. And why are you still breathing?

Legit Bitching (Because we are just too legit to quit!)

1. Why don’t you ever touch me?
2. Why don’t you ever tell me how you feel?
3. Why do you stare at other women in front of me?
4. Why do you go out to the clubs without me all the time?
5. Why do you sleep with other women behind my back?
6. Are you still sleeping with other women behind my back?
7. You never want to have sex with me.
8. Why don’t you ever kiss me?
9. When are you going to open up to me?
10. Why do you keep so many secrets?
11. Why are you always lying?
12. Why haven’t you defined the relationship?
13. What are we?
14. Do we have a future together?
15. Am I wasting my time?
16. Why haven’t I met your parents?
17. Why do you act so secretive?
18. Why do you have much time that is unaccounted for?
19. Every time I start a deep conversation, your phone dies?
20. Why is your phone always dying?
21. Why is your phone always on vibrate?
22. Why do you hide your phone when you come over?
23. When are you going to let me in your life?
24. Are you hiding something from me?
25. You never tell me that you love me.
26. Do you even love me?
27. Tell me something sweet. Why don’t you ever compliment me?
28. Does this make me look fat?
29. You think Sally is hotter than me don’t you?
30. Why are you always coming home drunk?
31. Do you have to go to the strip club every weekend?
32. Is this relationship going anywhere? Am I wasting my time?
33. Why are you still breathing?

Read the rest of this entry »

Would you believe me if I told you that I used to be a player? Oh yes, yours truly! I spent so much time in player mode, I mastered the skill. Of course, this isn’t something I’m proud of and don’t talk about often but it was a chunk of my life. Honestly, if you could look inside a player’s mind, you might be surprised at what you will find. They seemingly are the most egotistical people with the most insecurities. They need instant gratification and constant admiration. Being adored by one person isn’t enough, the more people they have wrapped around their finger..the better they feel. Selfishness and insecurities drive people to thrive in player mode. They don’t really think about other people’s feelings because they are only tuned into themselves and their needs. You see why I’m not proud to say I used to be a player? On the surface, players seem to be really ‘wanted’ people but it’s their manipulation that draws others in, it’s not because they are “a good catch”. So, are you wondering if you are involved with a player?

1. Is there cell phone always on vibrate?Mmm, sounds fishy. Why are they so worried about the phone ringing. Okay, I must admit- back in the day when I was in player mode..I didn’t have a cell phone. Don’t laugh. This probably made things a lot easier but if a guy came to visit, I never answered the phone when it rang. Why? There was no telling who was on the other end. I didn’t want to get stuck in a conversation with one dude while another dude was visiting. If the person you are seeing is shady with their cell phone, this is a red flag. Of course, my SO always has his phone on silent and I think I’ve seen him answer the phone once or twice through out the relationship…things that make you go mmmm.

2. Do you catch them in little lies? Look, I’m going to be the first to admit that I suck at lying. I never was really good at it. I would more less hold back information rather than lying. If you are dating someone and you catch them in small lies, you must wonder what else they are lying about. If someone takes the time and energy to lie about something small..you better believe they are going to lie about something big. Oh snap!

3. Do they tell you what you want to hear? This was my secret weapon. I knew what they wanted to hear, so I made sure I said it. I spent most of my time stroking their ego which in return made them like me more. If someone is saying the perfect things from day one, look out. Of course, there are a number of people who are really sincere but if you have someone telling you everything you need to hear and you have a gut feeling, always go with your gut. Players spend a lot of time telling victims sweet things, the victims are so taken back, that they get blind sighted.

4. Do they take you out in public? Why would I want to go out in public with you when there is a chance I might run into boy #3? It would be too much of a risk. A player feels more comfortable staying indoors watching a movie because it’s safe. If someone is not taking you out in public, this is a huge red flag. If you ask them to go out with you and they squirm, be sure to run. Read the rest of this entry »

Holy Moses, I think I have figured it out. After doing loads of research and trying different formulas, I think I have come up with the magic formula for remaining single…forever. Forever is a long time though, right? Just imagine it, you won’t ever have to answer to anyone, you’ll have all the free time in the world, you can come and go as you please, you don’t have to worry about picking up dirty underwear off the floor, …hell, you might not even have to cook anymore. Are you excited? I mean really, relationships and dating are so overrated anyway, right?

<comes back to reality> Okay, so who wants to do all of that “til death do us part” gibberish? *raises hand* You know, I don’t know too many people that want to be single forever. Of course, there is a small minority and most of them will be bachelor/bachelorettes til the day that they die, more power to them. But, for most of us, we are all looking for the ying to our yang, the ham to our burger, the meat to our pie, …get it? Mmm, I love meat pies. If you want to remain single forever, I suggest following this list accordingly. If you do not want to remain single, you might want to read the list and see if you can relate.

Talk About Your Biological Clock: We all know it’s ticking. You are having extreme ‘baby fever’ and it’s written all over your ovaries face. If you want to remain single forever, you’ve got to set the alarm on your ‘clock’ to go off every time you go out on a date. Example:

<You’re out to eat with a date at a local diner>

“Mmm, this food is so tasty”,she said.
“I know, I’m so glad we came here,” he said.
“Whoa, do you hear that”, she said.
“No, hear what?”,he said.
“Tick Tock, it’s my biological clock”,she said.
“Check, please”, he said

You must talk about your clock every chance you get and how you’re not getting any younger. You don’t even have to wait for the ‘right’ time to have this discussion. Bring it up on the first date if you like. Yes, the sooner you bring it up the better. While talking about your clock, be sure to mention a few baby names. They need to know that you are serious about this and have mulled it over and planned it accordingly.

Leave Out Medications: The first place, I’m sure, that every man wants to look is the medicine cabinet. Men want to know if you have the ‘crazies’ or not. They want to know what they are getting themselves into. Look, I’m not talking down on mental illnesses. Believe me, I know all about them. It doesn’t matter if you have Bipolar II, Mania, Depression, OCD, General Anxiety, Panic Attacks, PSTD, etc. If you want to remain single forever, you must expose yourself in the first few dates. Be sure to leave your medicine out on the counter so he can see it. Feel free to take them with you on dates and try to pop lithium during conversation. Hey, telling him you’re Bipolar is a great conversation starter, right? If you hear voices, be sure to answer them back during the date.

Have Several Kids:If you want to remain single forever, I suggest you go ahead and get started on this one. Does Octo-mom ring a bell? Letting a man think that you run a small orphanage will send him on his way. You can’t just have three children from the same father, this will not work. You must have several children from different men. Trust me, this works every time. Also, on the first date, you need to explain that you are looking for a father for the children, a care taker. Again, having a small number of children will not work..you must think big!

Have Several Cats:Yes, I know you are a animal lover and that’s great. You need to start rescuing every single cat that you can. Be sure to stock up on loads of kitty litter and food. For some reason, men are extremely hesitant to date someone with a great number of cats. I haven’t done the research as to “why”, it’s just something I’ve heard over and again. Some people (not most) that have a large number of animals tend to trust the animals more than they do people. Okay, I’m not talking about everyone..it’s only a small handful. When you meet for dinner, you must let him know how many cats you have. You must go on and on about “kibbles” and “froo froo” and “dixie”, as if you have nothing else to talk about. You must make it seem that the cats are your life. Please tell him to refer to you as “The Cat Lady”.

Live In The Past:Living in the past will keep you from moving forward with a healthy relationship. You need to always ponder on the bad relationships you have had. You must strive to think about all the negative things that have happened to you. No matter how hard you want to let go, you must not. Living in the past will be painful and you really will not want to trust anyone, must less date someone.

Be A Bitter Betty: You must go on and on to  a man about how crappy life is. You get extra points for talking bad about your exes. Again, you must focus on the negative and forget about the positive. Being positive will not help you to remain single. You must gripe and whine about everyone and everything. Try to gripe about your job and how you hate it. Think about ways to gripe about your friends and how they aggravate you. Every chance you get, complain about how fat you think you are. The more insecure you look, the better.

Spill The Beans: If you are wanting to remain single forever, you must spill the beans on the first few dates. Spilling the beans refers to telling all of your dark and intimate secrets. Secrets include: how many sexual partners you have had, molestation, rape, black mail, abusive parents, abusive relationships, insecurities, fears, etc.  Topics like these usually don’t come up until later on down the road, so if you tell him in the beginning..it will totally freak him out.

There are probably a hundred other tips as to how to stay single forever. I just wanted to touch on a few of them. Being single forever might sound like loads of fun but you must really know what you want before you go into ’sabatoge’ mode. If you don’t want to be single forever, I suggest you study the list and make sure you aren’t do any of these. This list is a sure fine way to keep you single forever! Good Luck!

Good Read: “How To Stay Single Forever”

So, let’s say that your friend is trying to set you up on a date. You are extremely excited and nervous at the same time. You envision the first date going well and cross your fingers that you don’t get broccoli stuck in your teeth. Going out on dates can sometimes be nerve racking. You worry if you will have chemistry. You wonder what the conversation will be about.  You might even be concerned if the other person is even going to like you. All you can really do is be yourself. If things go accordingly, then great. If it doesn’t go so well, then you can just chalk it up as a learning experience. Are you feeling unsure about how your date will go? Are you looking for some dating tips that will help you along the way? Never fear, The Queen is here. (I’m sorry I couldn’t resist)

1)Getting Ready and Being Prepared: First of all, there will be no freaking out about this date. The more worked up you get about the date, the more goofy you will seem. You need to make sure that you have talked to your date and have made arrangements. You should both discuss the time you are meeting, where to meet and where you will be meeting each other. It’s okay to go out and buy yourself a new outfit for the date. Go ahead, you deserve it. Yes, I know, that sounded cheesy.

Always remember that less is more. You definitely don’t want to look like you just stepped out of a rap video. Please try to keep it simple and sexy. From what I hear, guys do not like girls to wear a lot of flashy jewelry. It’s okay to have a few pieces here and there but don’t over do it. Also, go easy on the perfume, you do not want to smell like a Saigon whore. Men should do the same. Try to go easy on the cologne and be sure to pick out a nice outfit suitable for the occasion.

So, where are the two of you going? The man usually decides on this one. If ihe does happen to put the ball in your court, do not respond with “I don’t care” or “I don’t know” or “It doesn’t matter to me”. Show him that you are confident in your decision making and surprise him with a fabulous idea.

2) Timing Is Everything: On the phone, the two of you should have discussed by now and figured out where ya’ll are going and what time you are to meet. Is he picking you up at your house? Are you catching a taxi? Whatever is, just make sure you don’t miscommunicate. Timing is everything on a first date. Have you ever had to wait on someone when you had an appointment or date set? It’s aggravating as hell. Being on time shows more than having the ability to look at a clock and tell time. It shows you have respect for the other person.

Don’t go for the “fashionably late” tip. This is only implemented when going to parties. Being on time shows your date that you are respectful and that you can manage your time. The last thing a guy wants to hear is you apologizing because you had to work on your hair. A woman really doesn’t want to hear you say that you had to watch the last inning of the game. So, look great, be confident and be on time or else you will turn into a pumpkin. Okay, all except that last part.

3) Minding Your Manners: There’s nothing worse than a man or woman who doesn’t mind their manners. Didn’t your mamma teach you manners? Well, not is the time to dust them off and start using them. If men are going to pick the woman up for a date, they need to be sure that they open the car door for the lady. Also, be sure to open all doors going in and out of places. This will score you major brownie points. Who doesn’t love brownies? Read the rest of this entry »