The Queen of Relationships

Uuurg, me man..me hungry….me hunt food and woman…me want vagina, me want easy vagina….so easy a caveman could do it.

Easy + Woman = Booty Buddy                                                     Selective + Woman = Possible Commitment

I’ve been mentally far, far away on a small island with just my own delusions and my handy dandy notebook, spending hours and hours trying to figure out Blues Clues. This statement probably makes no sense to you but for me, it doesn’t make much sense either and I have no choice but to blame it on the xanex that raped my senses and my ability to complete a , wait…um…good times. Okay class, since your teacher is under the influence, today I challenge you to read between the lines and look for hidden meanings and unwritten rules. I hope everyone brought their decoder ring, for those of you that are without, one word- Cracker Jacks.

If you look at the formulas above, you probably have an idea where I am going with this. Please cherish these formulas because not only will they bring you closer to understanding the creatures that have the dangle piece but also because it took me years to actually piece these together. Oh yes, years of trial and error. Moving on.

Man goes into market, buys meat, goes home, cooks it, enjoys it=instant gratification

Man goes into woods, spends hours searching for the beast, doesn’t see it, goes home, gets up the next day-does it again, and the next day, the next day, the next day-pretty soon he is committed to finding that one special beast. “I’ll climb the highest mountain until I find it”. Months pass and even though he feels defeated, he pushes forward. He knows that he is fighting for ‘the prize’, the ‘accomplishment’, and even though instant gratification is enjoyable…nothing compares to finding “the one” …the one that all the hunters have been searching for, hunting for, craving for.

So you can hunt…or be hunted. Read the rest of this entry »

Look, I’m not a “Bitter Bitchy Betty”. I’m really not. I always try to see both sides of a relationship and then I form…”the opinion”. I’m not a man hater, a penis hater, a vagina hater…I just try to call it like I see it. With that being said, I had a friend come over today who is in the first stages of puppy love, what I refer to as ‘infatuation’. It’s extremely hard to be completely happy for someone when you see a huge tug boat carrying a red flag. (insert tug boat sound) I know I sometimes come across as a downer but while trying to have a smile on my face, reality has a way of being a buzz kill.

My friend floated into my house on tiny, red hearts and you could see the spark in her eye, being lit by someone she was totally into. After she left, I discussed what I was picking up on about the relationship and I could see it on my sister’s face. Not only was reality a buzz kill, but I was obviously being one myself. I know, I should just go with the flow and let nature take it’s course and I try to refrain from ever saying anything because I do not want to jinx the relationship, nor do I want to upset the person or have them obsess over my own thoughts rather than their own.

So, here’s the juice: My friend got back in touch with a guy she knew years ago. They have been catching up on old times, so to speak. Yes, they might have frolicked in the hay a few times, which I applaud. Hey, at least someone is getting laid. Now, in my opinion, the word ‘relationship’ should not be spoken until a decent amount of time of knowing someone. The topic, being premature, could be a total FAIL. But, it happened in this situation for some reason or another and this is how the conversation went (as I remember her telling it). He says he just got out of a retarded (I added that word) relationship with a girl and he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Now, naturally…women want to be sympathetic to this sort of statement. “Poor baby was wounded, I’ll nurse him back to health and then he’ll be better enough for a relationship with me”. We all do it, I’ve done it. Read the rest of this entry »

Yes, all you old timers are probably *gasping* at this, but hey it’s 2009. My dad craps a pickle every time I tell him “I met him online”. In order to prevent cardiac arrest, I have come up with a new way to drop the news.

Dad says, “Where did you meet this gentleman?”
I SAY

“I pulled his name off of the sex offender list; just kidding…I met him online.”
“I ran into him at the strip club…haha, I just met him online.”
“It said, “For A Good Time Call XXXX”, so I did; oh, I really met him online”
“I bumped into him at a gay night club, oh Dad, I just met him online”
“I met him at a marriage retreat; Okay, I met him online..and his wife!”
“I met him on a herpes dating site, well..kind of..minus the herpes”

So, you see? I try to soften the blow by making it sound off the wall and then when he hears I met them online, there is a small sigh of relief…not a big one, but a sigh none the least. What is so wrong about meeting people online? Why are people so snoodish (no, that’s not a word) when you tell them you met your SO online? Why are us online daters somewhat embarrassed to say, “I met him through the online personals”.

Dad- the way I see it is, I could either be at a bar picking up on drunk, toothless men or I could be in the comfort of my own home, scanning profiles, looking at pictures and picking out the man of my dreams. Why must I wait until I bump into him at some stupid coffee shop? What are the chances of me running into him at my best friends wedding? Duh, my best friend got married five years ago and he wasn’t there. Yes, I know what you say…”If you go looking for something, you will find it”. Great, that’s just the mind set I need. So, what you are saying is I’m going to go look for prince charming and then I will find him. That’s perfect. Let me guess, that’s not what you meant? I love you Dad, but you got to get with the program.

People that shy away from online dating, it’s really due to a lack of knowledge. “But there are a lot of crazy people out there”. Oh really? You know what? You’re right. I run into crazy people every day and I don’t think I”ve seen their face on www.match.com. What are you scared of? How is it different than meeting someone for lunch that you met at a bar? How is it different than meeting someone for coffee, someone that your co-worker set you up with? Mmm? It must be fear of the unknown and not have a personal relationship with your computer. People that do not know there way around the Internet or their computer tend to think that online dating is dangerous, scary, corny and for losers. Honestly, the ones that turn their nose up at it are the ones that are losing out.

Dating online has some serious perks. First of all, you don’t have to shit your pants trying to figure out how you are going to approach someone. It’s just with the click of a button. Blind dates are a thing of the past because now you can check out some one’s profile. Some one’s profile can basically tell you everything from their favorite color, to the job, to how much money they make, their beliefs, their likes/dislikes, what they like to do for fun, etc. Honestly, who wants to sit through a dinner date trying to learn all of these questions only to find out that they are all wrong for you. You can bypass all the bullshit and get straight to the juice.If you are worried about meeting someone that’s koo koo, then you must live under a little rock in Egypt. You’re chances of meeting someone koo koo are probably just the same as meeting someone in “reality”, “reality”- isn’t that what you call it?

Honestly, after dating online I’ve become extremely close to finding my “Ideal” man, comparing it to the men I’ve dated before the computer- it’s been way more promising. Now granted, I’ve met a few koo koo’s but I take caution like I would with any serial killer dater. I’m not trying to totally sway your opinion, I’m just throwing mine out there. You can’t really judge online dating unless you’ve done it before. It doesn’t work for everyone but it might just work for you. I’ve got a handful of online dating stories that are funny, dramatic, traumatic, blissful, weird, magical, etc. I’d love for you to share any online dating tips or stories.

ONLINE DATING DOCUMENTARY PEOPLE!

There is a documentary in the making about people who date online. There is a tv series in the works and they are looking for people who have all sorts of stories when it comes to online dating. Of course, you know I’ve already submitted mine because I can’ t keep my damn  mouth shut. So, please bounce over to their website and spill your guts about all your online adventures. Their website is www.meeting-stories.org. Tell’em the Queen sent you.

AWESOME ONLINE DATING BOOKS PEOPLE!

Also, I just read a great book by Cherie Burbach (cool name) about online dating. If you are hesitant about dating online, feel clueless, don’t know where to start: This book is for you. It’s called “Internet Dating is not Like Ordering A Pizza”. I love the title. She totally breaks down online dating into a way that all of us can understand and learn from. She also wrote a previous book called At The Coffee Shop, which if you are EXTREMELY new to online dating, you should read this one first! To learn more about Cherie and to read more of her work, please visit www.TheDifferenceNow.com.

Okay, now that I’ve got that off of my chest- I’mma go stalk the personals. I’m the koo koo online dater that your friends warned you about…MuaHAHAHA!

Last night, I zoned out. Not surprising,eh? I started to think about the past….past relationships. If you knew me and you knew my past, you would know that it was extremely complicated, painful, and onehell of a learning experience. Growing up in an unpleasant environment where my parents literally hated one another, there was no example of real love, commitment, communication to follow. I had to figure it out all on my own…don’t we all? With each relationship, I picked up something new and carried it to the next one….almost 15 years later, I finally grasped the ingredients for a healthy relationship. What have you learned from all of your past relationships? Let me fill you in on what I took from them:

1. Love is never enough:  My definition of love was somewhat demented in the beginning. I don’t really think that I knew what love was for years but when I finally figured it out, it wasn’t enough. I thought love conquered all. I thought love stood the test of time. I though love was enough. It wasn’t. While love is important, other things need to be in line, in balance for a relationship to work out. You can have love but if the relationship lacks compatibility, communication and compromise…it’s destined to be doomed.

2.You can’t really love unless you love yourself: I searched over and again for love. I just wanted to be loved. Over and again, I found myself in the wrong relationships and couldn’t figure out why. I had no idea that the answer I was looking for was with me the entire time. How can you truly, 100% love someone if you don’t love yourself. In order to experience true love, you must experience self-love.

3.Always go with your gut: I denied my gut feeling for years. I would see red flags, one after the other and I would  make excuses..I would ignore them. I didn’t trust my own intuition. I learned how to listen to my own feelings, my own instincts. Most all the times I had gut feelings about a certain relationship, they were right. I learned to be in tune with my intuition. I learned to trust myself. I learned to listen to my gut.

4.You can change noone: I was a fixer. I didn’t really see it as trying to change someone at the time. I would always date the dudes with all sorts of problems and I would swoop down to protect, to fix and to change. When  I think about those guys now, none of them ever changed. I realized that I was actually putting so much focus on bettering the other person that it took away from me bettering myself. No matter how much you love someone, people don’t change, unless they want to.

5. Sex can either confirm or complicate a relationship:There were certain relationships where sex either brought us closer together or it just made things really weird. There is an appropiate time for sex. It’s all about timing. It’s what is good for the both of you, not what is good for one or the other. Getting pressured to have sex too soon is a great way to feel resentment and complicate things. Have sex only when you are ready.

6.No one deserves to be abused:It’s typical for most of us to make excuses for an abuser. “I deserved it” “He just is having a bad day” “I should have done this” “I should have done that”. Look, I don’t care how psycho you are, how clumby or forgetful you are, it doesn’t matter what your faults are…no one deserves to be abused. To me, I think mental abuse is the worst kind there is. My first abusive relationship was mental and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I just knew that I felt crazy, questioned my logic and my sanity…it was extremely damaging and it took a number of years for me to figure out that it was mental abuse, took an extra number of years for me to recover. No one deserves to be abused.

7.You teach people how to treat you: All the times I let them get away with abuse…calling me names, cheating on me, hitting me, spitting on me…all of those times I turned the other cheek…I was basically telling them “You can treat me like this and I will stay”. I had no idea this is what I was doing. I thought I was being the bigger person by letting it roll off of my back but now (looking back), I realize that I was teaching them how to treat me. Don’t ever settle for bullshit like this. The first time it happens, you can either walk away or give them one more chance…the second time it happens..you better head your ass to the hills.

8.Doing it for the kids: For some reason, when people have children out of wedlock..they feel as if they have to get married to make it better. I got pregnant without being married. I had a tremendous amount of pressure on me, coming from my father, family members and my own fiance to get married. This is one time I listened to my gut and didn’t do it. I knew one mistake had been  made and there wasn’t a valid reason to make another one. In the end, I was right. The fiance and I didn’t work out and no piece of paper, no “I do”,..nothing could have made us compatible. Marriage doesn’t fix things. It only amplifies. Tying the knot will not make the relationship better if it’s bad, it will only put more strain on the relationship. Do what your heart tells you to do.

9.Growing up and out of love: Sometimes you don’t need a extreme reason to end a relationship. Sometimes people just grow out of each other. I dated a guy for four years and within that four years, I went one way and he went another way. We were young but growing up together. Sometimes couples grow separate ways and what they wanted before is likely to change to something else. It’s okay to just end it because you want different things.

10. Men can’t read minds: This one I’m still battling with but I’m starting to get it. Men don’t get ‘beating around the bush”. I’ve been beating around the bush for years and no one has YET to get it, probably because they just don’t….get it. Hell, sometimes I don’t even get it. If you want a man to know something, tell him-straight up. If you want him to spend time with you, don’t assume and don’t beat the bush. Tell him upfront, otherwise he is not going to have a clue.

These are my top ten learning experiences. Of course, there are several others but I didn’t want to write a novel today. We’ve all learned things from past relationships but the  most important is that you implement what you have learned. You will not get anywhere in your relationships if you do not take something from each one and use it. Your relationships should get better with each one that you are in. What have you learned from your past relationships? How has it affected your current ones?

You are in a relationship that is fulfilling  and you feel as if the two of you are perfect for one another, you get along great, you do all sorts of things together, you respect one another, you are somewhat compatible, you make one another happy BUT ….HUGE BUT…you do not have sex: This IS not a romantic relationship THIS IS a FRIENDSHIP!!

Women can only go so long without sex until they start to see their mate as a good guy friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? If you are not bumping nasties with me on a routine basis, you are not going WITH me to a deeper level therefore you will slowly get pushed into the friend zone. Yes, we all need friends  but some of us are looking for someone to take the majority of our heart. There’s three parts to the heart IMO:

Section 1: Family
Section 2: Friends
Section 3: Children in Ethiopia
Section 4: Fuzzy Feelings.

Now, the fuzzy feelings take up the majority of the heart and is reserved for that one special person. This part of the heart is where all the romantic mushiness resides. It’s where love blossoms and it’s where the deep connection blooms. Now, let me explain to you how a ‘deep connection’ is stimulated in a woman. You’re probably thinking that “Section 4″ of the heart can be bought, you are mistaken- my friend. No diamonds, dildos or donuts will do. Disclaimer: The auther of this post is speaking from her own Section 4, not women of America’s Section 4 You want to know how women get and keep that deep, soulful connection? Sex. Yes, sex. Now, how hard is that? Obviously not hard enough.

Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying and get the idea that I am simply saying sex is all we need. We need all that other bullshit like validation, appreciation, understanding, and SEX. You see? I have loads of friends and it’s understood that our friends validate us and appreciate us but we don’t bang our friends. Oh wait, some of us do but then we skate over to the “Friends With Benefits” zone and that’s another post in itself. So, in order for us to differentiate the difference between you and our good friend Bob, you must inject the penis. Disclaimer: These are only the psychotic, demented views of the author Yes, we know that you guys bond by doing stuff with us and sharing those Kodak moments and we have no problem going along with the bonding process, but we need and want intimate, touching, romantic, hard core,  monkey, hanging from the rafters, embarrassing your mother SEX. Okay, it doesn’t HAVE to be wild sex, any penetration will do- as long as it’s not in the booty. I’m sorry but I will lose my deep connection with you if you go deep into my ass.

We laugh together, converse together, play together, cook together, solve problems together…all of these things create a semi-circle around Section 4, if you want to complete the circle..there must be sex. Yes, we know, sex is more of an action to you…it isn’t bonding, unspoken emotions, connecting..it’s just sloppy slam bam thank you mam. It’s just another moment in life where you have to raise your heartbeat, get sweaty and shoot mini you’s. Sorry pal, women don’t see it that way. Think of it this way- the closest you can be to someone (physically) is to be inside someone [The closest you can be to someone (emotionally) is to be inside their Section 4]. Sex is putting the cherry on top of the relationship. We don’t confirm our friendships by banging our same sex friends, do we? “Oh damn, that Cindy was something special, Whew Wee, I can tell we’re going to be GREAT friends…” When women have sex with a man, they are letting you into their world. They are letting you have a piece of them (piece of ass) and their Section 4. Unless their whores, you should consider having sex with a woman something special.

Now, we know you banged the hell out of us in the beginning because it was vagina and you were all excited and twitterpated. We were just as excited as you were, but all of a sudden…DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD and so is your ding dong. All of a sudden, life seems to grab you by the balls and you’re too busy, too stressed, too tired, too hungry, too impotent, too f*cking your secretary. How can you NOT want to bang me? Now, you’ve gone and done it. Women are conditioned to think that every man wants, eats, sleeps and dreams about sex. We are dumbfounded when we stumble upon one that thinks otherwise. First, we research all outside resources to see if and what might be impacting your boner. Then, we do the womanly thing (we all do it) and starting point the boner at ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you are too tired, too hungry, too busy, too stressed, too limp….Let me tell you what a woman thinks when her man does not want to have sex with her:

1. He’s f*cking someone else
2. I’m not good enough
3. I must suck in bed
4. I must have an ugly body and he’s not attracted to me
5. My breasts must look funny, he’s laughing at my vagina
6. My vagina must smell like armpit
7. He’s embarrassed to see me naked, now I”m embarrassed to be naked
8. I guess I just don’t do it for him
9. He’s f*cking someone else
10.He’s just not that into me (I hate this phrase n0w)

Read the rest of this entry »

Oh me, I remember my “Want” list years ago, well… 2 and a half years ago to be exact. What  happened 2 1/2 years ago? I popped out a baby. Yes, I know…it was quite an experience…stretch marks, constipation, epidural, blood, amniotic sac, FETUS… wait, where was I? Oh yes, my want list: I think it looked a little something like this:

1)Must Love Dogs
2)No Kids
3)Must Love Chicken
4)No Kids
5)Must Love Vibrators
6)No Kids

You get the point, right? Married men and men with children were 100% forbidden, well for me anyways. Silly,uh? What was my reasoning? I didn’t want something who had already..well, been “had”. I didn’t want a ready made family. I didn’t want someone to have to call me “Miss Lindsay”. I didn’t want to deal with a crazy ex-wife. I didn’t want to write out a check for $1000 a month for child support. I didn’t want a constant reminder that my man and some other woman f*cked. I mean, to me, kids were just little f*cking reminders. I know, I should be ashamed of myself but I’m not. I mean, come on, can you blame me? I was a single, independent woman who had no clue about children. They scared me. I would be lying if I said they still don’t scare me a little, just a bit. Anyway, all I know is that one day I woke up and every man on the planet (it seemed) had children. I searched high and low for a man that hadn’t populated. You see, I had this cool idea of never getting married or ever having kids. I was going to be the small town “Angelina Jolie” and adopt Asian babies and wear cool sunglasses. Then, I stumbled on a dude that had no kids, no ex wife and yeehaw, there was gold in them thar hills. Needless to say, we saw, we came and then we conquered and by the time it was all over I was Miss Mommy Lindsay.

So, it was a surprise and a beautiful one at that. Dammit, if I knew this mother thing was going to be so cool..I would have started having babies years ago. Ok, not really. Somehow I managed to go from Miss Lindsay to Mommy Lindsay to Single Mommy Lindsay. Funny how that kind of works out. For awhile, I never thought about dating but as months passed I started to wonder what kind of man would want to date a woman who had a little baby? Warning: Here comes random thought: It’s amazing how selective we get once we have children.I stayed single for almost a year or more because I became incredibly picky and choosy. No, I wasn’t looking for a father for my son, he already had one but I was looking for someone that would be a positive influence. Damn, slim pickings. I actually told myself that I would probably never find a compatible partner that would accept me plus my cute little baggage. I prepared myself to be single and decided that I would rather be single than be with someone who didn’t accept my little one. Eventually, I started dating a dude. I find it somewhat comical that he (like all the others I’ve dated) had no children. Am I wrong for thinking “YES!”? Am I wrong for thinking that one kid is all I can handle at the moment?

*Sigh* How do I always manage to crap up my post with complete bullshit before I even get to the damn point? So, this is really my first relationship since the wonk wonk wonk ex. It’s extremely new for me to be dating someone other than my son’s father. I can only imagine how new it is for the dude because he’s never dated anyone with children. Is it okay to say it’s the blind leading the blind? Anywho, moving on to bigger and better balls..err, I mean things. I wanted, for my own therapeutic selfish reasons, to post about issues and tips concerning dating with children.

1. Scare Tactics: The quickest way to scare the hell out of someone on a first date is to focus 101% on your children. I know, you’re a proud parent but for some reason, it can easily freak the other person out. Pulling out pictures and talking about how Bobby’s balls just dropped isn’t something someone really wants to hear about in the beginning. I think it’s important to mention that you have children and tis okay to tell the ages/sex/etc but leave it at that. It’s okay to focus on yourself or someone else for five minutes, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Slowly progress into doting on your children. Of course, if the person you are going out with has children also- this whole tip might as well go down the drain.  Read the rest of this entry »

My lovely people, G’day! Yes, I do apologize..I have been hiding under a small rock. If you can just imagine two big booty cheeks with a rock in the middle, that’s me. I wish I could say that I’ve been vacationing at the Virgin Islands taking away virginity left and right but that isn’t the case. The only excuse that I have is that I have been designing some sort of plan for world peace? Does that work? I’ve been extremely busy and the one thing I love to do jumped on the back burner. Ok, enough with my excuses…this is a long one, you might wanna grab a beer and some nuts…roll that beautiful bean footage!

So, most of you that know me and those of you that don’t either know or don’t know that I have been dating a guy man for the past err, eight months. Holy Moly, that screams commitment. Hold me, I’m scared. I’ve had a few,little,minor major breaking points in the past week due to, what I would call, emotional neglect, not enough sleep, too many supplements, PMS and a partridge in a pear tree. With that being said, I would like to say that there is a difference between someone who neglects on purpose and someone who doesn’ t know they are neglecting. No woman wants to say “Hey there buddy, you are neglecting my feelings, my needs and my vagina”. We would rather give subtle hints and let you figure it out for yourself. We should know by now ( I should know by now) that you men do not know the term subtle. All you know is the term ’blunt’ and I’m not talking about reefer. (Just Say No!)

So, yes, the man and I got into a little cat fight debate. These seldom happen and when they do, it’s not the kind of situation where someone wants to be the winner. Also, I am almost 100%  positive that he thinks I am a loon with psychotic tendencies. I have to admit that I surprised myself. I am not someone that flies off of the handle when the shit has hit the fan. I am not someone who cries at the drop of the hat. I was at the end of my rope, feeling drained, empty and broke.  This is all because he never showed his feelings. He never complimented me, wasn’t very affectionate, didn’t think about sex and sometimes didn’t really converse with me. Some people mentioned that this could be toxic and some form of emotional abuse. I didn’t think that he would do anything on purpose to hurt me, it did feel toxic and it did feel like neglect. I eventually found out that this is his first serious relationship ever. I am cutting him some extreme slack. He didn’t know any better. I told him that I was in good shape before I met him. I was confident, had great self-esteem, was sure of myself..and all of that jazz. Now, I’m not. My confidence is somewhat shaky, I questioned my appearance now, I’m not sure if I have any good jokes left and sometimes my booty jiggles. Why has this happened? I told him I need validation, women need validation. And this is where it baffled me. He said:

“Why do you need me to validate who you are and how you feel about yourself?”
Say what?
Oh, for a second there I thought you said “Waka Waka Waka”

The question stumped me. I looked as if he just had just given me the magic formula to Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Jawbreakers. I was confused and usually “Oh little one with good comebacks” was speechless. I understood the question, I understood what he was saying…it was formulating feelings in my gut that was the problem. I could feel why I needed validation but I couldn’t say it. Why did I need him to feel pretty? Why did I need him to feel accepted? Why was I so confident before and not so much now? Why did I need sex from him? Oh, that one’s easy..I was horny. Why did I need him to hold me, touch me, caress me, fondle me? I love the word fondle. The combination of it all is summed up in one word…validation.

Look, I don’t know why we need validation. I could go without it if I didn’t need it so much, um, that made no sense. So, listen to this: Are you ready? Can someone please give me a drum roll?

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us– in other words, that THEY matter to us. By “mirroring” some one’s feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us. Read the rest of this entry »

While trying to snooze last night, my mind kept hovering over the sex topic. Not a bad subject,eh? Mmm,sex..nipples, vagina’s and blueberry muffins. I was thinking about men having sex vs. women having sex. I think men would be content with getting instant wood, sticking it in the muffin, baking it  and rolling over for a nap. He aims, he shoots (literally), he scores, Game Over. wonk wonk wonk. (and the crowd goes wild) Now, take note that I am not putting all men into one category but I am only speaking from “my” majority. Why must sex be so mechanical? Mmm, for some reason it makes me want to do the robot. Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto  I know, you’re getting wood just thinking about it.  I’m just going to cut the crap and get to the point. Some women are easily won by looks, success, fame and/or fortune, me? Well, it doesn’t take much…just a little foreplay. Yes, I am easily pleased or is it easy to please, or pleased to be easy? Oh dammit, you get the point.

Most women do not like sex that is robotic, mechanical, mundane,…you know, same ole shit different day. We don’t like knowing that at 10:00 pm you are going to nudge us with your man parts, hover over us for ten minutes, huffing and panting and then ‘tada’..nap time. Where’s the creativity? Oh hell, I guess this could probably go out to women also. Look people, are you forgetting something? Oh yes, there it is, look in your back pocket…It’s called FOREPLAY. For the love of the muffins, what happened to Mr. Foreplay? Newsflash: You can just jump in a vagina without giving it special attention. You wouldn’t run in a marathon without practicing first? You wouldn’t work out without stretching first? You wouldn’t bake the turkey without preheating, right? You’ve got to preheat the vagina at 350.

If you want a woman to melt in your hands, you have got to give her some foreplay. Please, tease us. Take your time with us, we aren’t going anywhere. Instead of going straight to our muffin, why don’t you play with the blueberries first? Rub us here, a little there, oh don’t forget “that” spot and then slowly make your way down to Muffin Land, by the way, Do you know the muffin man? Well, you can me “King” of the muffins if you take your time with a woman and give her foreplay. Most women, including myself, feel denied if there is no foreplay. Some of us feel used and wonder why you don’t want to take the time to touch us and to make us feel good. Hell, most of us are more aggravated after sex than before because since our ‘needs’ weren’t attended to, we become extremely frustrated.

A man generally doesn’t understand  a woman’s need to relax and get into sex slowly. Most men start out balls to the wall and ready to go, standing to attention. A lot of times, women can not enjoy sex unless they are really relaxed. Giving us foreplay and teasing us will give us all the time in the world to  feel comfortable with you. We won’t feel pressured to “hurry up” and enjoy what we can before you blow your load. We want a man that is going to take his sweet time with us. We want men who aren’t just thinking about getting a nut and taking a nap. (nut, nap, next)

Here’s the problem: Men know that if they stroke it long enough, it will cum. “If you stroke it, it will cum”. On the other hand, women are completely different. Each woman and vagina is different. Some can orgasm with just a penis, some need clitoris stimulation, some need 10 minutes, some need 30, some need vibrators, some need George Clooney. Whatever it is that she needs, you’ve got to scope it out and figure out what works best for the both of you. Please don’t assume that just because your wing wong is in her ting tong that she is satisfied. We want you to touch us, caress us, love on us, kiss us, etc. Memo: Kissing during sex makes it a million times more enjoyable and intimate for us. Also, we hate feeling rushed to climax. If there is any sort of mental “hurry up and come” pressure on our vagina, we will never reach the big O.

I am amazed how most men forget about the little ole clitoris. What is so hard about just tapping it a few times? Correct me if I’m wrong but when a man does not take the time to touch a woman’s hoo ha, she takes it personally and thinks something is wrong with her and her vagina. I mean, it’s not like we are asking you to climb Mount Everest. I read somewhere that 98% of the orgasms women experience are from the result of stimulating the clitoris. Stimulated clitoris=Happy vagina=Happy woman=More nights out with the guys=Happy man. See how that works? Viola!

So, here’s the plan, men. If you are wanting to drive your woman wild and take her vagina down to China town, please her and please her good. The next time the two of you are about to bang, tease her. No, don’t tease her for a minute and then get it on…I mean, seriously, tease her. Caress her, run your fingers down her thighs, touch her female parts, and then start having sex with her. So, right before you hit the big O, pull out and go back to focusing on her. This way you don’t totally lose your erection pleasing her. Put it on your “To Do” list to  make her O. So, tease her, stick it in, tease her some more, make her climax and then go in for the kill (your “O”). Capiche?

You know, (Do you really?) I usually write about issues that are going on in my own life. YES, I HAVE ISSUES, want some? I’d be more than happy to share. Trust me, there’s enough to go around. Man, I would feel like Oprah but instead of “YOU GET A CAR, YOU GET A CAR” it would be “YOU GET AN ISSUE, YOU GET AN ISSUE” (and the crowd goes wild). Tonight, I was doing my usual thinking, you know pondering, in deep thought, ooh the depth. I was thinking of the relationshipI am in now. Strange things have been going down on the home front. Just recently, my  SO seems to have changed somewhat. He doesn’t text as much as he used to, he doesn’t act like he wants to be around me, he’s not affectionate, he doesn’t laugh as much, he doesn’t flirt with me anymore…why does all of this sound so familiar? Holy shit, I feel like I am married. I’m not in Kansas anymore ToTo, the eagle has landed and the honeymoon is over, or is it?

I know what you are thinking. You’ve read over all the things he’s doing and not doing and you are thinking, yes I know you are thinking that there’s another woman. Cheating. Pure Adultery, scarlet letter style. Who  knows. Well, for now, I will let him keep his balls until I find out otherwise. I must admit that he is not 100% to blame. I have jumped into work head first and for a moment there, I forgot he existed. I know, shame on me. Well, now I feel as if I don’t exist to him. I’ve come back around but I’m not sure if he will ever come back. He says he’s just got a lot on his mind. Shit, he has no idea the junk that marinates in my brain. I think non-stop. I am always thinking, I think. I feel shut out. I feel unloved. I feel unpretty. Shame on me for allowing it. I totally accepted the fact that he couldn’t compliment me, that his love language wasn’t “words of affirmation”. I totally accepted that he didn’t want to have sex all the time, that his love language wasn’t “let’s f*ck 24/7″. I totally accepted that he wasn’t that affectionate, that his love language wasn’t physical touch. Now, what I can’t accept is feeling like neither is benefiting from the relationship. I’m not even sure how he benefits from being with me. The whole damn thing has got me shut down which makes me shut up. If anyone can ever get me to shut up, something is wrong, dammit.

I’ve mentioned this to him several times but I’m starting to feel like one of those girls. You know, “those” girls. The whiny chics that always want to know what a guy is feeling. Look, I don’t give a shit what any guy is feeling but when you just stop talking to me and borderline avoiding me, after awhile… I kinda start to notice and damn me for taking it personal. Here’s the thing that everyone needs to understand. You know, how in the beginning of a relationship…it’s all butterflies and semen? You are so head over heels for one another and you try to impress the hell out of each other? You go the extra mile for that person, you engage in good conversation, you laugh, you giggle, you tinkle a little and everything is freaking dandy.Then, *ribbet* it stops. You quit putting on your best face, you quit shaving underneath your arms, you look like a fragglerock down “there”, the relationship begins to become routine and before you know it, you’re bored as hell. Cupcake, anyone?

Soon enough, the relationship is on auto-pilot. It’s the same damn thing every single day. Same song, second verse. You go back to being selfish and you put your partner on the back burner and go on with your life. This is the problem, people. A relationship on auto-pilot, it doesn’t get any more boring than this. Listen to me, you never EVER never ever stop trying in a relationship. Every day when you wake up, you should think, “What can I do today to make my partner happy?”. This is my thinking, I think. You get out what you put into your relationship. If you don’t do shit with or to your relationship, you’re relationship will be boring shit.If you strive to make the other person happy, usually they will return the favor and things will be more enjoyable. But, if you are the only one trying to make the other one happy and it’s not returned, you need to think about finding another one. I’ve spent too many years focusing on making the other person happy with no return policy, I was completely miserable.  Again, a relationship takes continuous effort on both sides.

The honeymoon stage doesn’t have to end. It’s okay to be comfortable in a relationship but you should never feel comfortable enough that you don’t feel as if you have to make some sort of effort. It doesn’t have to be a holiday to send flowers. It doesn’t have to be Valentines Day to send a card. It doesn’t have to be a special event to go out. It doesn’t have to be their birthday to cook dinner. It doesn’t have to be your anniversary to have sex. In a relationship, you should consider everyday a holiday, everyday a special day, everyday another day that you get to spend with the person you love. I want to be loved. I want to be touched. I would like to hear I’m ‘cool’, ‘pretty’, ‘groovy’, ‘irresistiable’, ‘funny’ sometimes. I’m not asking for anyone to compliment me non-stop, just once a month would do it for me. You know, just to let me know that we are still in this together, yes..the validation.

So, these are my words of wisdom tonight, my friends. I am hoping that I can apply it to my own relationship, and can only hope it’s reciprocated. I want my relationship to have passion and meaning. I don’t want to ever have a relationship that gets boring. Boring is what makes people stray, boring seems to make people cheat, boring sometimes breaks people up, boring is just boring as hell. I won’t ramble any longer. Anyway, I’ve got to go…I’ve got a date with dildo and donuts. Two for non-smoking please.

Comments and opinions are always appreciated.

Oh, hello there. Funny meeting you in a place like this. Errr, come here often? No, really. I am finding that it’s not always easy to find intelligent topics on relationships, well…new topics. I try to think about certain situations in my life and apply it to my blog. Hey, that way we all win, I get writing therapy and you get entertained. It’s a “Win-Win”. As I mentioned before, I like to do a little tad bit of research before I start writing a post. I have you know that today when I put on my thinking cap and went to my dear friend “Google”, I found nothing. What the hoo ha! Is it possible that I’ve found a topic that noone cares to write about?

Okay, so I’m lying, there were a few articles concerning my topic but my choices were dealing with children, cell phones, authors and guitars. So, what the hell am I going to write about? Well, the title says it all people. Tone. It’s your voice tone. No, I’m not talking about your ring tone on your new Iphone, I’m not talking about the tone you use when you are writing a book, nor am I talking about the tone you take with your children, yes, it’s the tone you take with one another, you and your significant other. Am I the only one affected by this topic? Dammit, maybe I should have googled “body language”, but what does body language have to do with “voice tone”? Oh, for the love of God, Betsy.

Ok, this is my problem and when I say problem, it’s really a problem. For the past two relationships I have been in including my current one, voice tone has been a real hum dinger for me. Of course, it would help to mention that the tone of my father’s voice stimulates a child hood trigger in previous and current relationships. The tone you take with your partner is extremely important. We all know that it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. You could tell me that you love me but put a dry, sarcastic spin on it, a rude under tone and there you have it…now, I’m offended.

Hell, maybe I am just a pansy. For a second there I thought that, “Hey, the common denominator in these relationships is me, maybe I am the problem. I think back to relationships I had years ago and the different men that I dated and can’t really remember any of them irking me with their voice tone. Granted, I was younger and the responsibilities of the world were not weighing on our shoulders but I can’t remember once (okay, maybe once) where I was actually emotionally affected by the way someone talked to me. Look, I’d rather you just come out and call me a bitch then try to sugar coat is and say “You’re beautiful” with a tone that doesn’t match the words. Are you getting all of this?

I have trouble accepting words that are not voiced in a sensitive and loving tone. Most of the time when my ex spoke to me, it was in this rude, condescending manner- no matter what he was saying. I spent most of my life feeling stupid and beat down. Here’s the kicker, it wasn’t the words he was saying, he was how he was saying it. Just the other day, my current boyfriend, said something to me about talking in public on the cell phone (while I was in the gas station talking to him). Now, doesn’t sound like a big deal, now does it? It wouldn’t have been if he would have have used the tone that he did. It didn’t have to be a big deal but instead I ended up getting my feelings hurt because I felt as if he was treating me and talking to me as if I were a child, it was his tone. Now, let’s look at once sentence and the different variations of tones that can come along with it.

“Please wash the dishes” (Look, bitch, wash the dishes or I will cut you)
“Please wash the dishes” ( Baby, I would really appreciate it if you wash the dishes)
“Please wash the dishes” (What the hell have you been doing all day, being lazy as usual?)
“Please wash the dishes” (I’ve had a long day and can’t find the energy, can you please wash the dishes?)
“Please wash the dishes” (WASH THE F*CKING DISHES)
“Please wash the dishes” (Oh, I can’t wait for you to wash the dishes so I can take you into the back and get nooky.)
“Please was the dishes” (Oh the poor little baby waby didn’t wash the little wittle dishes)

Yes, it’s extremely hard to use this example without you being able to hear my voice but you get the point. Think about that one sentence, “Please wash the dishes”. Now, think of ALL the different tones and ways you could say it. I could do the same with any sentence, even “I love you”. It’s important, in relationships, that you learn to communicate with one another in a positive tone. Most of us do not even know that we are belittling the other with our tone. Some of us say, “that’s just the way I talk”. Well, I’ll call bullshit on that one. If the way you talk is offending others, you might need to pull over and regroup. No one likes to be spoken down to, nor do they appreciate that condescending tone. If you want to have harmony in your relationship, you need to have harmony in your voice tone. I’m not telling you to bust out singing “Ebony and Ivory”, I’m just sayin.