Is it really necessary that I barf out an actual guide for catching your cheating partner? No, it’s not necessary but neither is this turban I’m wearing. Look, you and I both know that if you have to go to great links to figure out if someone is cheating on you or not, then it’s probably time to throw in the towel. If you’re like me, throwing in the towel is not an option, there is no towel therefore there is no throwing. Get it? It’s extremely easy to get a little obsessed when searching for clues, codes and hidden agendas. At some point, you need to know where to draw the line. What line? Good point. There is no line, that’s why I was telling you to draw it.
Honestly, when is enough going to be enough? You didn’t find panties in his glove compartment. Not to get off topic but I have never (not even once) ever found a glove in any glove compartment. Moving on. At some point, if you are not finding the information that you think is ‘floating’ out there, maybe the problem isn’t with your partner…maybe you have trust issues. Duh, eh? There are a few of you that are overreacting, several of you are making a mountain out of a mole hill but most of us? Most of us, we know you’re doing shit behind our back and we will catch you, we will hunt you down like the dogs that you are and then you will die. I’m not trying to scare you cheaters out there but um, I know people. The last thing you want to worry about is my involvement with the Barbie Doll Mafia.
Now, where was I? Oh yes, the following topic deserves a drum roll. (I’m just in the mood for a drum roll, let me bask in it please). *drum roll* Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the number one place you are going to find the juice is *another drum roll* the phone. *gasp* “Oh nos, not the phone!” Yes, I said the phone. I know, I know..I’m pretty genius. I will not go into the long, hard man hours it took for me to come up with the hidden formula for cheaters all around the world.
man wants woman + woman wants man + both need communication – the other partner’s finding out + hidden agenda + ½ penis wrinkle + 2 blooming two lips = personal cell phone. Read the rest of this entry »
Now, I am not one to judge on whether you or ugly or not. Personally, I don’t care what you look like because we are all God’s creatures, right? Yes, I said “creature”- many times, men cheat with just that “a creature”. Let me start over- if you have been boinking, sexting, sending dirty pictures of your roast beef sandwich, dirty e-mails to MY man (not yours), I feel as if I have the right to chew you up and spit you out (judge you). Of course, some women have no idea that a man is in a relationship but 9 times out of 10, the ugly knows the story and just wants her page in the book. Ahhh, a good portion of my life, I have been in relationships involving cheaters and I will not count (because I don’t have enough fingers) how many times I have been cheated on with the uglies.
One would think that if you were going to get cheated on, it would be an obvious ‘upgrade’ to first class, but not so much. Remember the first time you found out there was another woman. You started to imagine what she looked like; long black flowing hair, crystal blue eyes, olive skin tone, a figure to die for and boobs purky enough to bounce a quarter off of. It’s natural for immediate jealousy to set it. “Geez, I totally get why he wanted to be with her, she’s beautiful…f*cking slut”. Then, the day comes…it was one of those days where boredom took over your soul and forced you to start thumbing through Facebook and…what? what’s that? O-M-G, for real? That’s HER? He cheated on me with HER? This is a joke. Are you meaning to tell me I have been duped over a hairy troll? I mean, look at her, she’s practically stepping on her own titties. It looks as if her nose is about to eat her face, “Nice to beak you, I mean meet you”. Can you say MOLE? Mole-e-mole-e-mole-e. Oh shit, is that a hair coming OUT of the mole. Double shit and triple mole. I’m puking now.
If her face looks this bad, me only imagines what her vagina hoo haa looks like. Oh, hello Mr. Roast Beef…mmm, I’m thinking Arby’s.Don’t worry, there’s enough roast for everyone! Read the rest of this entry »
Now for a more serious post. You know, I’ve been thinking..I seem to do that every once in awhile. I wasn’t even sure if I should write about this or not. I have this friend who has this burning feeling (no, it’s not chlamydia) that they are being cheated on. What a crappy situation. The feeling of someone cheating on you is something dreadful. I know that feeling all to well. I spent most of my younger years being Inspector Gadget, trying to catch this one and that one cheating on me. I got really good at it, yep. Common sense never slapped me in the face to tell me that I should have left the person the moment I suspected it. You never know though, right? Sometimes we think too much and assume even more. Why would I just want to get rid of someone when I didn’t know for sure? Well, I could always ask but what are the chances of them telling me the truth? Slim to none.
Now, I will go into my Dr. Phil segment. If you have a feeling that someone is cheating on you then there is something wrong with the relationship. No on should have to live in fear of their partner being with someone else. We all need some form of security. If you have gotten to the point where you assume your lover is straying, there must be deeper issues. There must be a smidgen of broken trust somewhere. You don’t just wake up one morning and say, “Hey, I think my wife is cheating on me”. Most of the time, certain incidents lead us to the point of assuming.
I can remember all the things I did to find out if someone was cheating. You can’t imagine how much energy I put into it, how creative I got, it’s somewhat sick now that I think about it. It would have been much easier to get rid of the person and start fresh. Of course, I was always the one to take the more difficult route. This is where I tell you that the most important part of a relationship is communication. If you feel that your partner is cheating, you should sit them down and confront them. Yes, I know. Cheaters do lie.
You will eventually come to a point where you have to decide whether or not you want to stay in the relationship OR you could take matters into your own hands. I honestly don’t support taking matters into your own hands because you will waste so much of your time and energy on something that might not even ‘be’. But, there are those of us that need that ‘peace’ of mind. You need something tangible, something you can touch and see to put your suspicions to rest. Please do not do anything illegal when investigating your spouse. The last thing you want to do is go to jail and risk getting butt raped. Read the rest of this entry »
