The Queen of Relationships

Every one please gather ’round and form your chairs into a circle. Therapy session is about to begin so sit back, grab a drink and please refrain from lighting up during the meeting…unless it’s reefer and you feel like sharing. Oh, the first lesson of the day is “Don’t Do Drugs”. The second lesson of the day has a little something to do with relationships. I know, it’s hard for you to believe, right? I know I told you I only think on Tuesdays and Thursdays but today was a special day. I had a tiny, extra brain cell from the previous week that I leeched off of. So, you are all in for a ”Tiny Tim”  treat and I do mean ‘tiny’. God bless us, everyone.

In between brain farts today, I started to think about some of the main reasons relationships end. I mean, we all know the obvious ones like your boyfriend bitch slapping you because you bought the wrong kind of milk, or your husband sticking his winky in someone else’s stinky or you found out your man likes to take it up the rear, ouchie! …those are the obvious.  I wanted to go a ‘tiny’ bit deeper than that and look for some other reasons that people seem to over look. Hell, they might be obvious to you…if they are, just throw me a freaking bone, fancy me and read it anyway for shitz and giggles. Well, minus the shitz…there’s no time for a clean up on aisle 3.

1) Pinky Sware:It’s probably a bad idea to go through a relationship keeping secrets. The constant fear of the other person finding out will eat you alive. Most people save the secrets until right after the honeymoon is over. “Oh honey? One more thing, I used to be a man, babay!”. If you hold all your secrets in and then dump them out later on in the relationship, your partner might walk. I’m not talking about walking to the store, I’m talking about walking out of your life. I’m not saying you need to spill your green beans on the first date because there is a time and place for everything.  If you think that someone is not going to accept you because of some dark details, then they are probably not the person for you. If someone proclaims to love you, they will love you even if you did have a penis before, I think. So, if you see that the relationship is moving in a serious direction, it might be time to sit down and have “Story Time”. Oh and after “Story Time” comes “Show-N-Tell”…my favorite part!

2)Infatuation: Oh, I love this phase, this infatuation phase. This is where you the hormones do the talking and the penis does the walking. For example, let’s say you hate inverted nipples. You end up meeting this hot chic/dude that you fall head over heels for. You totally overlook the nipple part. You keep telling yourself that one day they’ll pop out, just like the thermometer on a turkey during Thanksgiving. Eventually, you get settled into the relationship, get comfortable and cozy. The nipples start to aggravated the hell out of you. They weren’t as cute as they were before. You have been bitten by the infatuation bug. Things are so foggy when you are in this stage. Peni looks ten times bigger, boobs look a million times purkier and nipples definitely do not look inverted. Sometimes, as soon as people snap back to reality, they realize the other person is totally wrong for them and end the relationship and say good-bye to the nipples. Damn nipples.

3)In-Laws: Oh yes, some people have ‘those’ in-laws that seem as if they’ve come from the pit of hell. Most of the time it’s the Mother-In-Laws, but Father-In-Laws? You are not exempt from this topic. Some mother’s just can’t seem to keep their tit in the bra. They seemingly continue to force feed their 30 year old children. They stick their honker into business that isn’ t theirs. They manipulate, control and sometimes throw hissy fits when they don’t get their way. Countless relationships have been ruined by the  SatanHell-In-Laws. Some of you need to grab your balls or your boobs and stand up to your parents. Don’t let them live your life, unless you are comfortable with being treated like a two year old…if that’s the case, isn’t it time for a diaper change? Read the rest of this entry »

 
Yeah, I know. We’ve all heard about the “Dear John” letter. When I think back on high school, I can remember all the break up letters I had written and received.  You would think that break up letters ended with high school but that’s a negative. Break up letters are just as popular now as they were then. Just because we’ve grown into maturing adults doesn’t mean that we still don’t like taking the “easy” way out.

It is the easy way out, right? I mean, you get to take time to collect your thoughts and figure out what you want to say. You would probably forget all the important things if you did it face-to-face. Besides, who wants to see the facial expression of rejection when you tell someone it’s over? There is really no easy way to break up with someone but it sure does lighten the blow if you shoot them an e-mail. Well, at least for you it does. If you grow the balls to do it face-to-face, then bravo. If you are like many others and don’t know how to confront the person or the issue, it’s time for a break up letter. Here are a few tips to get you started!

1. Outline: Boy, sounds like we are back in high school, eh? You really don’t want to start rambling without some sort of direction. Making an outline will make it easier to track your thoughts. I know, it sounds cheesy, bear with me. Here are a few things to put in your outline:
A. Positive things about your partner (ex)
B. Negative things about your partner (ex)
C. Reasons you have for breaking up with partner. (ex)
I would list positive things in the beginning of the letter. The reason you want to list something positive is because you really don’t want this person to take it so hard. You want them to know that they do have good qualities and you recognize that. Second, it’s okay to say something negative. Obviously, they have done some things to upset you and I think it’s okay to let them know how you feel. Third, you should list your reason for breaking up. Sometimes the negative things and the reasons tend to overlap.

Example: You cheated on me (negative); therefore I am breaking up with you. (reason)

2. Say Negative Things, Not Harsh Things: Most of the reasons we break up with people are due to some sort of negativity. It’s okay to express those negative feelings but do it in a harmless way. It’s hard enough that they are losing you. Do not rub it in by bashing them or belittling them.

Harsh Example: You cheated on me, you no good son of a bitch. I hope you get herpes.
Negative Example: I’m hurt  that you cheated on me. Read the rest of this entry »

“It’s Over!”. There’s just something about that phrase that ‘s so stingy. If you are reading this blog, then you have probably just been dumped. Welcome to the club. You are now an Official Dumperee. Did you see it coming? Don’t worry, I didn’t either. I was off in my fairly tale world believing a lie, thinking it would never come to this. Come to what? Being dumped.

I really didn’t see it coming. Of course, I knew that it wasn’t necessarily peaches and crème, but what relationships is, right? We had our ups and downs, possibly more ups than downs. I had faith. The kind of faith that could move mountains. This would be the faith that would save our relationship. I never saw myself with anyone else. As miserable as he made me, he was the one. As miserable as we were, he was the chosen one. Of course, fate didn’t choose him..I think I did that all on my own.

So, this was a first for me, you know, getting dumped. I was always the dumper. As a younger dumper, I got some sort of gratification out of dumping people. I loved the power that came with it. I could dump whomever I wanted and would chuckle as they would wallow in their own pity. They would beg me to take them back, how pathetic they were. How pathetic I am. Now, it’s my turn., being dumped.

There is a strange sense of control that is awarded to the dumper. It’s like they get to make all the moves and call all the shots. They get to decide if the two of you are going to work it out. You are basically left out in the cold with no options but to leave because “It’s Over”. You are the one with the questions and the dumper is the only one who can answer them. But Why? Why did you dump me? What did I do? What went wrong?

If you are a careless dumper like I was, you didn’t care to give any sort of explanation. There really wasn’t  any sort of explanation. You just felt like moving on. Now, I’m the one with the questions and til this day not one of them has been answered. I dig deep within myself to formulate my own answers but it’s not good enough. I search for some sort of meaning and the “why”, but no luck. How dare you dump me and leave me hanging. How dare you get over me so quickly. Or did you?

No, sweetie- they didn’t get over you so quickly. See, we didn’t see it coming. While all the while, the dumpers had been planning this several months ago. They knew it was coming. They allowed themselves to become emotionally unattached and distant from us. The two of you had already really broken up, you just didn’t know it yet. Pretty unfair, right? Yeah, so life isn’t fair.

The dumpers decide way ahead of time that it’s time to end it. Of course, they usually don’t do it tastefully. They slowly start to become unaffectionate with you. This happens so gradually that before you know it, the two of you have gone weeks without sex. Usually you aren’t  that concerned that there is no sex but you are so used to them begging for it and they’ve stopped. They’ve stopped begging. You ask what’s wrong? Why are we not having sex? They blame it on the prozac, saying that  it’s put a damper on the bedroom life. Read the rest of this entry »

So, he broke up with you…get over it.  Sounds harsh, right? Well, there are two things you can do:

Get over it.
Don’t get over it.

You can dust your boots off and keep on trucking or you can hang on every last word until your fifty. 50? Yes, fifty. Years ago, I knew a man who got dumped by his wife. Did I mention that this was years ago? Til this very day, he talks as if it happened yesterday. It actually happened 15 years ago. 15 years? Yes, 15 years. He hasn’t moved on, he hasn’t remarried…he lives in his own special hell that he created for himself.

I’m not trying to be harsh but realistic. I’ve been there. I’ve had my heart ripped out of my chest and handed to me on a paper plate. He didn’t even have the decency to put it on a gold platter. Bastard. The worse you can do is believe your own lies in that things will work out and he will come running back. Oh, he might be running but it won’t be in your direction. He broke up with you, it’s over…get over it.

Rejection hurts like hell. You are the one that gets to decide where to go from here. Do you wallow in your own misery? Do you get even? Do you spend your days sulking and trying to figure out what you did wrong? Or, do you regroup and move forward? Yes, I know it’s easier said than done. Like I said, I’ve been there. The one thing you have going for you is time. Time is on your side and with time you will be able to look back and laugh at the fact you ever even shed one tear. You can learn from my list as you go over my list of “No No’s”.

No Communication
No Drop Ins
No Drive By’s
No Bashing
No Obsessing
No What-If’s
No Standing Still
No Reunion
No Regrets
No Fairytale

1)No Communication: This is a big No No! The worst thing you can do is try to get in touch with the fool. All forms of communication are a NO. No e-mail, texting, phone calls or snail mail. I know, it sucks. I know you have been sitting by the phone hoping it would ring. It hasn’t, has it? That’s because he doesn’t want to talk to you, don’t worry he didn’t want to talk to me either. But, I just had to torment myself and call him and beg him for an explanation.

God, could I be any more desperate? I don’t think I was even upset about losing him, it was the way he did it and the slap of rejection. Where did this come from? How could he do this? How could he not want ME? Who does he think he is anyway? Pfft, loser. Ever wonder how someone could get over you so quickly? Let me explain.

As I talked about in my earlier blog, when someone breaks up with you they have been preparing for it. By the time they actually break up with you, they are already over it. They selfishly give themselves time to emotionally disconnect from you. This is why it’s so easy for them to move on afterwords because they actually moved on months ago, you just didn’t know about it.

Also, no drunk dialing. This can lead to one embarrassing moment when you wake up in the morning. You need to put a sticky note on your forehead that reminds you NOT to call him. Keep a list of friends next to your phone and call one of them instead. Believe me, it will save you more heartache and pain. The longer you go without talking to him or seeing him, the quicker the pain will subside and you can move on and get over it.

2)No Drop Ins: What is a drop in? So, you know your X goes to work out at the YMCA every Tuesday night. Well, oh dear lord, you just ‘happened’ to be there the same time he was. You think he doesn’t know that you planned this? It’s obvious since you never work out. Yes, I know you’ve lost a little weight during the break up and you think you look hot and you want him to see you. Get over it. He doesn’t care if you look like Jessica Alba, he’s over it. This will only make you look somewhat psycho and that you are so not over it.

I know how it is. In the beginning, I wanted to run into him to. I always had my hair and make-up just perfect. Now, a year later, I am running from seeing him. If I see his truck parked in the parking lot at the grocery store, I go to another one. If you are not tied to this person b/c of children, be thankful that you can break away and be free. Some of us aren’t as lucky.

Read the rest of this entry »